[A/N: So I wrote this in like five days? What's happened? Is me from four years ago back? Anyhow - hope you enjoy the chap!💐]

It was a Friday afternoon, three days later. It had been an uneventful few days. In a good way, I suppose. I hadn't scratched up my arms again, even though I was fully off the medication that they had given me in the beginning of the hospital stay. Which, to be honest, had made me come off as abstinent, which I wasn't fond of. I had switched to a new antidepressant, and so, I was on a strict schedule to not start taking more of them. I wasn't exactly sure if it was going to work, but being completely off medication wasn't working either. It just made my mind the worst it's ever been. And I, my mind and body, probably wouldn't be working if that would be the case. I tried that at the hospital. It just led to them sedating me, as I panicked.

I reluctantly swallowed the pill with water, under Vanessa's supervision. I knew it was for my own good, but it had now become a worry that what happened last time would happen again.
"Done", I announced, taking a bite of the apple that I had promised them I'd eat.
Blink.
I did.
At the same time I had to remind myself that the antidepressants wouldn't make the worries go away completely - only make them less worrisome, more manageable and something I could question, maybe even ignore.
I took another bite, against the instructions from my mind.
"Good", she said, nodding at me.

Stop eating.
I stopped eating the apple, putting it down.

I was standing next to Vanessa in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island as we were completing a list for tomorrow's surprise celebration.
"So, wake up at 7, wake Lin at 8 and have breakfast as we watch the Tony nominees at 8:30?", Vanessa repeated, going through the timetable on her phone that probably was made more for me than for her.
She was interrupted a little here and there by Sebastian, whom was sitting and playing with trains on the floor. This time it his impression of a train whistle. I giggled.
"Sounds good", I confirmed, blinking to make sure that I had memorized it. I answered Sebastian's train whistle with my own, leaving him very happy with himself.
"And we'll have Luis and Luz and my parents ready on Skype...", she started, but it instantly made my stomach knot up.

Not because they were going to be talking to us through Skype, but that they weren't going to be here. They were supposed to be here for the Tony Nominations. They were supposed to be here, and if they weren't here, it wasn't going to be because of me.

"No, invite them over", I said, even though my mind was already protesting. "They should be here. It'll be fun to see them again", the words true yet shakily frightening.
"You sure?", Vanessa asked me, a little worried.
"I'm sure", I said, decidedly, ignoring the spiralling thoughts, because I knew they were irrational. On some level, at least. I even put on a smile. "I can do it"
To my own surprise, I actually sounded confident. And I knew she was scared that I was rushing it, like I always was. But I knew my own ability.
She smiled.
"Okay, let's do that then", she concluded. "I'll go call them-", but at the same time, the doorbell rang, making me jump a little.
The sound immediately set off a reaction within me.
No one was supposed to come by today. We hadn't ordered food, Lin wouldn't be home until later and he wouldn't have forgotten his keys. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. This wasn't the plan.
Start tapping.
23 times.
"I'll take that. Might be Ms Nunez who needs help with something", Vanessa quickly stated while smiling at me in a reassuring way, and walked away. I heard her open the door, telling Tobi to stay and not run out into the hall, to then start greeting whoever was standing there. I couldn't hear who it was, but that the exchange between them and Vanessa was happy. It somehow made it easier, as I held on tight to the kitchen island top.

"Rue?", I heard Vanessa say a minute later, asking for me to come to the door, but all I could see was the endless possibilities of why not to.
It might be the foster system coming to take you away.
Tap and it won't be.
Of course they're going to leave you.
Tap. Come on, tap. Tap!
Don't go.
Don't.
It might be someone you know and they'll see you like this and realise you're not worth it and that you're a freak and they'll hate you.
They'll leave you too.
Don't go.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
23 times.
Again.
Don't you dare.
What if it's someone you know?
What if they'll see you?
They'll hate you.
You're not worth the trouble.
You're not worth anything.
I stood, frozen.
I couldn't.
I didn't like this.
Come on, be rational, I thought to myself.
Yet, this was life.
The doorbell rings every once in a while.
It happens
It's life.

"Rue-Rue?", Vanessa's voice asked for me again, a little more wondrous and worrisome than before.

This was life.
And I was being irrational.
I was worth something.
I belonged here.
It could be anyone; they could be happy to see me. It could be good news. It could be something I wouldn't want to miss out on.

I took a step, realising how much I was going to have to pay for this later.
I took another, focused.
Then, I took a deep breath as I stepped through the doorway and in to the hallway.
"Sorry, I...", I began when I looked up, but I instantly stopped.

There he stood.
Carson.

"Hi", I said, baffled.
See? It was good, I tried to think to myself.
It was just Carson.
Not so "just".
One of the nicest people I knew.
My best friend.
And he was smiling.
God, how I had missed him.
"Hey", he replied. "Can Rue come out and play?", the question aimed more for me than for Vanessa as he held up two ice teas from Tua's café.
I instantly felt my shoulders being weighed down by every possible thing that could go wrong. So, I looked at Vanessa. She nodded, giving me permission to go outside without the presence of her or Lin.
She believed I could.
It was going to be scary, I knew that.
But, it was going to be worth it.
I was ready.
And so, before my mind had managed to lock me in a corner, I answered.

"Yeah. Yeah, I can"

While, I, at the same time, realised what I had to tell him.
And what that might cost me.
You're going to lose him.
He's going to hate you.
He's not going to want to be your friend anymore.
If you tell him.
Don't.
I have to.
It's for the best.
It'll be done.
Don't you dare.
I made a promise.
And friends don't lie.

We were sitting on the grass in J. Hood Wright Park, the one I'd come to together with Vanessa and Lin in the past few days. It was lively there, yet calm and small enough for me to be comfortable. The walk there had been talkative, even if I had been really focused on not doing anything wrong and debating whether I should tell him or not.
"Oh my god, I should've brought Gideon and Odd!", Carson exclaimed, referring to the family next to us who were playing catch with their dog. "They would've loved it here. How come we've never been to this park before?", he excitedly asked me.
I shook my shoulders, looking around. A father was playing with his two daughters in the playground, a young couple were eating ice cream and an old lady, who was sitting on a park bench facing the George Washington Bridge, was feeding the birds. There were things happening everywhere, and yet, here I sat. Coping. Managing. Doing it.
"Because I always used to go to another park with Tobi. You know, where I met you?", I replied, still baffled with how calm I was being outside on my own without Lin or Vanessa for the first time in months.
Tap.
"Yeah, I guess you're right", Carson said, sipping his ice tea without a care in the world.

I tapped 23 times.
Just to be sure nothing bad was going to happen.

"And to be honest, right now I'm not brave enough to go elsewhere", the words slipping out of my mouth before I had thought them over.
I had thought that, because I had been on mute for so long, I wouldn't know how to tell him, or how to steer the conversation in that direction.
Yet, somehow, I had managed to at least form some sort of introduction.
He looked right at me.
"That's alright. I like it here. Cheers!", he said, just acknowledging it, dunking our ice teas together.
I giggled a little.
It was mainly an act of nervousness.
Took a deep breath.
Don't you dare.
Tap 23 times.
Blink simultaneously.
Or he'll hate you.
"Okay, so... should I catch you up to speed then? Like I promised", I asked him the daunting question that had hung over me since I had seen him in the doorway. I wasn't going to break a promise, however back-breaking, difficult or terrifying it was not to break it.

Blink or he'll think you're a freak.
You did try and kill yourself.
He won't like you anymore after you tell him.
So don't.
Blink, tap, twitch, count.

"If you want to", Carson said diplomatically, half jokingly but mostly serious.
He was tip toeing already. He didn't want to, I could tell, but he did. That's what I despised - other's feeling guilt because of me. Others having to act a certain way because of me.
It made the weight on my shoulders even heavier.
"Yeah", I said, tapping and counting for my dear life. "My OCD got really bad. Like, the worst it's ever been", which was something he already knew.

Don't.

I swallowed as I obsessively started to count everything that would come to mind.

1, 2, 3, 4...

How was I going to tell him this next part?

5, 6, 7, 9, 10...

But, before I could overthink it, I began, breaking through the wall of instructions in my mind.

Don't you dare.

"I don't really know how to say this, like...", I began, a little shaky.

What are you doing? He'll hate you, he won't want to be with you, he-

"I... I overdosed on my antidepressants. Like, continuously. It sort of tipped over the edge like three weeks ago and I just thought that if I took them, if I took more and more until it felt just right, that I wouldn't be in the way anymore. So, um. I ended up downing two bottles before I even knew it one night. I was there but I wasn't really there, like... It's not like I wanted to die, but still. Like, technically, I tried to kill myself", I got quiet, losing the little amount of confidence I had earlier by each word that I put out, making certain words appear more often. I didn't dare to look at him, so I stared at the ground, counting my way through it, tapping and blinking simultaneously.
11, 12, 14, 15, 16...
"I know it sounds a bit weird, sorry", I added instantly as I got a feeling that I had to say sorry for myself. I put up a wall of defence, locking myself in my own bubble.
17, 18, 19, 20...
I sat still, almost like a statue.
He's going to hate you because you told him.
He was quiet, too. Which, in some way, was surprising, considering that talking was a genuine part of Carson's personality.
For some reason I'd expected an outburst, or a lecture.
See? He despises you.
But, he was just quiet.
Why did you tell him?
21, 22, 23. 23.
This is your fault.
I didn't know whether to go on, or just let the quiet become a pause and eventually a stop in the conversation. Instead, I restarted the counting because I had reached 23.
Everything is your fault.
Yet, I could only imagine what was going on in his mind. And I couldn't help but to think that he didn't like me anymore. That I was annoying, strange, dramatic and crazy. That he was going to hate me. It might as well be true.

He hates you.
Who would want to be friends with you?
Tap. Tap. Tap.

And I tapped, tapped and tapped as I awaited his reply. It was excruciating, because at that point I could only imagine him leaving me.
It felt like ages, but it probably only took him a minute to find the right words.

"Okay", Carson began, a little disarrayed.
You've lost him.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that", taking a deep breath, clearly looking for the right thing to say. With that, I finally let myself breath out of relief. I had been holding my breath, restraining my lungs, without myself knowing that I was actually doing it.
"And Rue, it's not weird, it's just a little hard to take in. But, now that I'm past the processing part, I just want you to know that I am always here for you, okay?", his words were genuine and warm.
Suddenly, I could feel a tear running down my left cheek. And then two ran down the other.
"Shit", Carson exclaimed, sounding worried. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-", his voice full of regret, and I could feel that his view of me had changed.
Look what you did.
He won't see you like he used to.
Irrational. I'm not the same person I used to be. Not even near.
Blink.
I shook my head, opposing his apology.
"I don't know why I'm crying", I said, my voice shaky and quiet. "I... I guess I'm just relieved?", I whispered, looking up at Carson carefully. At the same time, I was trying to keep up the counting in my head. His smile was back on again, looking at me kindly but tentatively.
"Can I give you a hug?", he asked, as I had been sitting the furthest away from him I could without it being weird.
I unexpectedly yet expectedly nodded, sobbing.
As he put his arms around me, I stayed stiff and on guard, but at least I knew it was Carson and not somebody else, and that I was in J. Hood Wright Park and not somewhere else. For once, I was in the moment. And for once, the embrace actually made me feel at ease, something that I hadn't let anyone but Vanessa or Lin made me feel since the kidnapping.
"I've missed you, Cars", I said as he let go a mere second later.
"I've missed you too, silly"
He was still him.
He didn't pity me; he would never do that.
I tried pushing my irrational way of thinking to the side, and instead I tried to be right then and there.

I was just being silly.
And that was alright.

We smiled at each other sadly.
But, it wasn't sad, not really.
I tried wiping my tears away, but only more came running.
"So, how's school?", I asked forcefully, as if I hadn't just told him about my deepest secrets. In hindsight, I was just trying to distract myself from my crying as I started hearing the noises from my surroundings even louder. The sounds of cars driving a block away, the kids on the playground, a group of teenagers playing loud music, a football being thrown around.
It wasn't something that made me feel comfortable, but for a change it wasn't unsettling. It was almost nice to hear people around me, to witness the life of others. It sort of made me feel more lifelike, more part of the world. All in all, the park had become manageable.
Still, I jumped a little when the football swooshed right by me.
"Rue, you're crying-", Carson opposed my question, keeping his distance, just like I wanted him too.
I shook my head.
"I'm fine", I said, wiping my tears, as I started giggling about the emotional mess I'd made. In some way I was, and in others I wasn't. "How's school?", I repeated, hoping he would start speaking so that I could focus on him rather than everything that was happening around me. And mainly, distract me from my spiralling mind because of the things happening around me.
He scoffed, rolling his eyes.
"Same-same, silly. We go there, we learn, we go home. Not that it pleases my Dad", Carson said, shrugging his shoulders. "But, as long as I get straight A's, he'll be fine", touching on the subject briefly.
"You shouldn't force yourself to do well in school because of your Dad", I told him hesitantly in between two sets of tapping. I took over by blinking because a guy that had started shouting made me anxious.
"I know. But if that makes him even a little bit more accepting; I will", he replied, sipping the last of his ice tea until there were only cubes of ice left. "And, I need the grades if I want to become a doctor. And the straight A's also make it more likely for him to pay for med school", he added, laughing.
I joined, as always fascinated about how he seemed to always have known his destiny; how he never seemed to let anyone stop him from getting there. Not even when his Dad threw him out for being gay.
"Sounds like a plan", I concluded, nodding at him. He seemed to remember something.
"And, oh my god, prom's coming up!", he excitedly announced, his enthusiasm contagious. "You should see how Stella and Parker are acting - they're planning on asking their respective crushes at the same time. While putting on a flash mob, in absolute Glee style. And they're going to film it! Very amusing, if I do say so myself", he scoffed, looking at me. "I sort of want them to say no? Just for the reactions y'know..."
I burst out laughing.
"What?! Carson, you're evil!", I exclaimed, face-palming.
He just laughed.
"Come on, it would be hilarious!", he protested.
To my disliking, I was starting to find the evil scenario quite amusing too.
"No!", I protested again, but I broke down as he raised his left eyebrow, looking right through my disguise. "Okay. A little. Just a little!", I caved as I blinked simultaneously.
He nodded greatly, happy with himself.
I looked down and overlooked my hand tapping the mug I was holding.
I was on another set of 23.
I realised, that It was like no time had passed. Like I hadn't shut him out. Like I only saw him yesterday.
"And Dom's been asking about you too...", Carson said, implying something.
My heart fluttered.
I instantly looked up.
"He has?", I tried asking it calmly, but it probably came out rather eagerly.
"Hah, I knew it!", Carson exclaimed, happy with himself, which instantly made me unsure of what he'd said or meant. Maybe he only said it to get my reaction.
"Has he been asking about me?", I asked, calmly and probably for too seriously this time, but with a confused face.
Carson looked at me with genuine eyes.
"Of course he has, silly!", but before Carson could finish whatever he had to say, there was a high crashing noise, making me jump and my heart flutter - and not in a good way. Though, it made me stop crying.
I instantly stood up and involuntarily put my arms around myself, as if I was trying to protect myself from whatever it was that had made that sound. Suddenly, everything was so loud. Like the water had tipped over the edge of my glass. I flinched as a little girl squealed going down the slide. I twitched as the group playing football were shouting at each other to pass. I jumped as the guy that I'd heard shouting earlier shouted for people to come help. I could hear the music from a local car repair shop thrice as loud as it should've been. My head turned from side to side, as I turned myself around to look for where the sound was coming from. Yet, I couldn't find it. The unknown made me even more anxious.
This is your fault.
Just mere milliseconds later I heard sirens approaching and the knot in my stomach grew bigger. And so, the thoughts got louder as they repeated over themselves.

You did this.
Tap.
You did this.
Blink.
You did this.
Scratch.

Without hesitation, I did everything but the last routine. I refused to do it. I had promised I would try not to. Yet, the desperation to feel how right and correct it would feel just grew.
I didn't know how long I had been gone before I heard Carson tell me something.
"Rue? It was a car that crashed", he explained, standing before me, holding both of our ice teas. His finished, mine half-full. "Over there, by the bodega", he pointed, and I instantly looked over. The car was demolished, having crashed into a fire hydrant. The chauffeur was unconscious, blood running from his head. Next to it, the shouty guy was trying to open the door and help her out, as the ambulance arrived. The sirens were ringing in my ears, the lights blinding me.

It's your fault.
Carson saw you.
He saw you like this.
Tap. Blink. Twitch.
Scratch your arms.
The thoughts didn't make sense - they never did - but I could feel how they broke me down into little pieces.
It's your fault.

"I think I should go home", I said, my voice shaky as I somehow put the words together into a sentence, my jaw clenched and my body completely frozen in place.
"I'll walk with you", Carson told me. I turned around, and began to walk back the way we had walked here. Carson quickly caught up with me, walking next to me, and then a little in front of me. He took the lead, his actions indicating what to do next. Maybe it was because I couldn't think for myself in this state. When he turned left, I did too. And when I stopped because of a sound or a routine, he waited for me.
But, most of all, he didn't keep quiet.
Instead, he kept the conversation going, like it would if I hadn't reacted the way I did. I hummed whenever I could, and replied with a single yes or no when I dared to. To be honest, I couldn't really pay attention or remember what he was saying. Yet, the further away we got from the park, and the closer we got to home, the more comfortable I got.

"Dom definitely likes you!", Carson repeated for the second time as we stood outside the door to my apartment, because he knew I hadn't fully noticed it the first time. It was such an everyday-phrase, something that made me feel a little better. "And I'm positively jealous", he said, making me smile a little. I was an inch away from my safe space, and so I could let myself listen.
Start blinking. Dominic won't like you when Carson tells him about this. It's only a matter of time.
I looked down at my hands while I was fiddling with the keys. All I wanted was to come inside. Where it was safe, because this was exhausting.
Scratch your arms.
"I don't think he does", I said, seeing how my left hand was going up my right arm, touching the bandages beneath my sweater.
On the verge.
It left me with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I did not want to do that.
They were almost healed.
"Gosh, just text him!", Carson exclaimed.
"I already have", I said quietly, trying to prove the point that Dom didn't like me.
"Text him again!", he opposed my reply, taking on the role as my personal relationship counsellor. I shook my shoulders in reply, avoiding the conversation.
"Sorry we couldn't hang out for longer", I apologised, blinking hysterically at this instant to avoid scratching my arms. Especially in front of Carson.
"No, I always have fun when I'm with you. Even if it's only for a short time. I think we should reinstate our Tuesdays at Tua's. But maybe not at Tua's. We can start with the park?", he ignored my apology, just continuing in the way he always would have.
No. Look at today. That won't work.
Irrational. I'm home. I made it. It'll work itself out. I can do Tuesdays with Carson.
In my mind I heard Sepi saying, "It gets better", and forced myself to believe it because I knew I had to work for it.
"Yeah, okay", I confirmed, and he beamed at me.
"See you on Tuesday?", he asked.
Don't you dare.
I nodded.
"See you on Tuesday", I repeated his question as an answer.
"Goodbye then!", he said, as he swiftly started walking down the stairs, waving at me.
"Bye!", I said, trying to match his excitement as I shakingly and desperately began unlocking and locking the door 7 times.

"Hi, I'm back!", I announced with all the power I had left as I entered. I heard Vanessa's footsteps walk towards me, as I started unlocking and locking the door 7 times from the inside.
"I can do that for you", she said, taking over leaving a feeling of relief within me. She locked it. I leaned against the wall and slid down, as if my legs were giving up. "Rue?", Vanessa asked worriedly, and sat down next to me, putting her arm around me.
"I failed", I said quietly, as I was blinking and tapping, my mind overloading.
"How?", Vanessa asked me as I let my head fall on her shoulder.
"I couldn't stay", I whispered, my voice breaking as I scrunched my eyes together, feeling the tears coming up.
"Oh, Niñita. That's not failing. That's improving", her voice soft as she explained it. "Knowing your limits is a good thing"
My sobbing was quiet as I let her hold me.
"It didn't feel like a good thing", I concluded, blinking in sets of 23.
"You'll see that it was", Vanessa told me reassuringly, kissing the top of my head. Then, she reached for a letter on the side table by the entrance. "Speaking of good things, this arrived today"
She took a deep breath, looking at the letter.
"It's to let you know that the Lovell's settled. They won't be fostering any longer. They're not allowed to contact you. Ansel Lovell plead guilty and got jail because he had turned 18. Warren Lovell will go to juvie. And they'll pay you for the damages. So will the foster system for putting you in their home", Vanessa said. "All because of the video you showed us"
I didn't smile.
I stopped crying.
I just felt relief.
It was done.
I wouldn't have to face them again.
All because of Lin and Vanessa.
Tiredly, I looked up at Vanessa.
She looked at me.
There were relief in her eyes, too.
"No, it's thanks to you and Lin"

—————
Well, hello there!👋
Even more good news in this chapter. Carson's fully back, the Lovell's got what they deserved, and Dominic definitely likes Rue. Also - I rather enjoyed writing this. This fanfic is honestly my happy place, like I just love writing about Rue. And so, I hope you liked the chapter too! Any theories or wishes about what'll happen next, maybe?👀💕

Furthermore, I feel like I have to address this: I know very little about the American justice system. So, therefore, I just hope that my rather ~simple~ attempt to describe what happened to the Lovell's, and especially Ansel, was acceptable. In my mind Rue couldn't and didn't want to take part in the process because of her mental health. Hopefully that's okay with all of you!😌

I'm well by the way - I feel like this year, I'm going to focus on me and do things that I want to do. Like, writing this. And playing the sims. And watching movies. And going to the gym because I want to. And go to a museum. And work a few times a week. And not stress with the courses I'm taking. And try to ask friends to hang out more. And not try to overexplain so much. And photograph more. And bake more! Just put myself first really, which sounds so corny but I never really do that💐

So it's September, almost October. And I never really miss summer, but this year I do. It's almost making me feel sad as the temperature drops and the leaves turn yellow, red, orange and brown. And this used to be my favourite season! Maybe I just have to switch to my Autumn/Winter wardrobe and I'll realise why I love the autumn again🍂🍁

Some very good things that I've seen lately: Dune and season 3 of Sex Education. Phenomenal. I mean it, grab your nearest computer and see SE. And go see Dune in theaters! I also watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix last night for the first time in years and realised how much I love HP. I actually wrote a HP fanfic when I was 12/13 and I just had to revisit it. And tbh, I really like the plot?😅
It's very much about the mind and the emotions we feel (I already knew my favourite theme, you guys!), as the story is about a girl named Juni Murphy, a Sethiquew. She's like a Metamorphmagus, only that she can literally feel others emotions and thoughts, and if she wants to, change them. Sethiquews are looked down upon and disliked in the Wizard Community, because of a wizard, who's last name was Sethiquew, who abused his powers a long time ago. But, Dumbledore has made sure that Juni can be at Hogwarts. During her fourth year at Hogwarts, she gets to know what real friendship is, as the rise of Voldemort becomes clearer and she joins Dumbledore's Army...
It needs some shaping, but I honestly think that maybe I should rewrite it, and publish it on here?👀 (After I finish this, obvi!)

Q of the Day: If you've ever written fanfiction, what was your first one about?📚
Me? Harry Potter 👓⚡️

If you liked the chap, please leave a vote or a comment, it makes my day!☀️

Have the loveliest of days,
H

Published: 22nd of September, 2021.