[A/N: A little heads up - this is a long chapter! Get yourself something to snack on and maybe a cosy drink, and get ready to read!☕️]

Rue's POV
"So, let's start. Rue? Do you want to share anything with the group?", Dr Noma asked me two days later in group therapy. The exciting conversations between the people who already knew each other stopped, and the attention turned to me.
It was my third time there. I still didn't know anyone, but I'd tried to learn their names. I think a girl named Marie was bipolar. And the boy right next to her, Xander, had an anxiety disorder. From what I'd noticed, they seemed to be together. A guy a little older than me, Mateo, was the only one who had OCD, that I knew of. He was quiet, like me. The first few times I hadn't dared to say anything, and had sat with my head bowed, counting, blinking and tapping. Today, I'd looked up, and I was determined to listen to what the others were saying. Dr Noma had even asked me beforehand if I wanted to say something. Somehow, I'd said yes, defying the screaming no's in my mind.

Tap 23 times.

No reason, but I did it anyway as I simultaneously took a deep breath.
"Hi! Um... I... I'm Rue, OCD", I tentatively began, trying to mimic what the others had said the last few times, my gaze flickering between the other group members, trying to avoid their eyes. "I... I went to the park two days ago", I quietly told them, almost tasting the words in the new environment.
Blink 23 times or they'll think you're a freak.
A freak? I thought, protesting and questioning my obsessions. Is this rational? No. The people here are like me. We're not freaks. Drop it. Spiralling back on my own thoughts, but I was already blinking.
Just in case.
"I... I haven't chosen to go outside in a very long time... and it was actually quite nice", gaining a little confidence, still scared to look at the other members of the group. "I even played catch with my dog", I started smiling a little, feeling proud of myself even though I wasn't supposed to. Dr Noma smiled back at me, nodding in an uplifting way, clearing every doubt my mind could possibly come up with.
"That's good, Rue! Going outside can be hard. I think a lot of you can relate to that", she began, only to look at the girl with black hair two seats from me who had put her hand up. She hadn't spoken a whole lot, but she hadn't been quiet either.
"Sepi?", the girl nodded. "Go"
"Hey! I'm Sepi, and I've got OCD too", she began, sounding way more confident than me while looking at everyone only to stop and nod towards me with a smile on her face. I immediately woke up from the fact that there was one more person than Mateo in the group with what I had.
Someone like me.
"It mostly renounces around a fear of intentionally or unintentionally hurting someone, like making them sick or getting sick myself so that ends in a lot of checking", she said, keeping her eyes locked on me. "And it really comes in waves for me. So I know what it's like not going outside for a while. The park is a good spot though. Then you can build it up from there", she concluded.
The reply and advice was so simple, yet so effective. It warmed me, and I returned her smile shyly, nodding lightly. Only to immediately look back at my fiddling hands, overwhelmed by the situation.

It was a strange feeling to know that people who I barely knew were going to know me, my OCD and my deepest, darkest, secrets. It almost felt like betrayal to talk about it aloud, like I was unfaithful to my own mind's standards. On the other hand, they were telling their stories. So, in that sense, I wasn't breaking too many rules.
Start tapping again to make up for what you said.

I listened carefully to what the others had to say, while keeping myself busy. I was doing everything my mind could come up with. Just so I could listen, for once.

To my surprise, it felt nice. I had been so nervous the few first times that I'd forgotten to listen closely, to take it in. Most of us were quiet personas, I could tell. A few were more outgoing. Everyone was telling everybody else something about their week this time. One guy, who's name I still hadn't learned, talked about celebrating his sister's birthday. A new girl there, Anna, said that she'd had gone two days without a panic attack. We all clapped and cheered for that. I understood that Marie, the bipolar girl, was in a low, but that it wasn't as bad as many other lows she had been in before. Mateo said that he had gotten takeout from McDonald's for the first time in years, and that it had been good, but also that he had gotten really worried afterwards and had to clean and wash himself. I suddenly started nodding at him because I understood. Before I knew it, I was also saying something.
"I know! I call it payback time. Because I know that whilst I'm in the situation, whilst I'm pushing the boundaries, that I will have to pay for it later", I was surprised by my own voice, surprised that I dared to speak again, surprised by it's light excitement and happy tone.
Twitch because you spoke when you weren't supposed to speak.
His face lit up.
I didn't twitch.
It didn't feel needed; it didn't seem like a rational thing to do.
He seemed happy.
"Right?", he excitedly replied, almost making me jump a little. Though, I wasn't scared, just unprepared. "Though, I call him Brian. Brian the Brain meddler. I can literally feel him making plans the second I do something I'm not supposed to do", he said, saying the most he had done in all of the past sessions.
"Like, god, Brian, can you stop?", rolling his eyes dramatically. It was the first joke I had heard in this room, one that resulted in everybody laughing. Mateo actually looked sort of happy with himself, as he sat in his chair stiffly, trying not to touch anything around him. Which was understandable, as I'd seen him clean his chair before and after every group therapy session.
"Why Brian?", Xander asked, giggling.
"Never liked the name", Mateo answered, shrugging his shoulders while stating what was so obvious to him, but what others could only wonder. "Feels like a middle aged man who would complain about every single thing in his life, that everyone in the neighbourhood just hates", he continued, painting a picture of his Brian. As I imagined Brian, it almost made me giggle. Mateo's Brian was the personification of a mind with OCD.
"Fitting", Sepi said, laughing. Even Jane, who hadn't said a thing in any of the sessions, giggled a little.
I think almost everyone in there saw their Brian, and recognised him. Everyone in there had their own version of a Brian. And I thought to myself, that maybe everyone had one. It just maybe wasn't as prominent as our Brian.
Maybe I should name my Brian too?
"Well then, guys, let's end on a good note like this one. If you want a fruit, or something like a coffee or tea, before you leave, the table is over there. See you next week!", Dr Noma said cheerfully, making me look at the clock above the door out to the corridor.
Somehow, an hour had passed. It had felt like nothing. Maybe I'd actually had fun. Everyone stood up and collected their things, and so I did the same thing, even though I only had my jean jacket with me. Dr Noma approached me, smiling.
"Good job today, Rue", she said. It justified breaking the rules even further. I smiled. Maybe I wouldn't have to face Brian later.
And maybe I won't call my OCD anything.
"Thanks", I said, proud of myself. "See you tomorrow then?", I asked, double checking the schedule even though I knew it by heart.
"See you tomorrow", she replied, nodding towards me as she waved at everyone and walked out the door.

I started tapping again, as the safe space had been emptied and opened up. My secret was now theirs, and theirs mine, and they could tell anyone about it. A risk I was still debating whether it was worth the risk.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
I looked around, debating whether I was supposed to stay here before Vanessa was going to pick me, or if I was going to wait in the lobby by the entrance like last week. I saw Sepi standing by the snack table, talking to Mateo. I was intrigued to go and say hi, but I figured it might be better to just go and wait by myself. Yet, before I turned around, Sepi saw me and started waving at me to come over.
6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11...
"Rue, come here!", she called, excitedly inviting me. I walked over, carefully, counting the steps carefully and swiftly avoiding the cracks between the floor boards. "So, Dr Noma doesn't say this, but there are chocolate chip cookies too. Individually packaged, of course", she added, in response to the fact that I had given Mateo a confused look. She was holding one out to me, and I took it before I could think about it.
12, 13, 14, 15...
"Thanks", I told her. "And hi, Sepi and Mateo?"
"Hi", she replied cheerfully. "Right, so I'm Sepi, Sepideh if you wanna be my parents, and this is Mateo. Welcome to the... gang?", she said sarcastically. She didn't seem too comfortable talking to a new person like me, but she did seem to act like I would; in the way that she put on a character.
16, 17, 18, 19, 20...
"Gee, thanks", I said, smiling a little. I still hadn't opened my individually packaged cookie. Neither had either one of them.
"So. Um. What type or types are you?", she asked tentatively, only to leave me with a puzzled face. Mateo cut in.
"Yep, we're talking types of OCD. Well, I'm the afraid-of-germs type", he said, kindly helping me out. "Which is what everyone thinks about when they hear OCD. Like yes, I do wash my hands a lot", his sarcasm loud and clear. "But I do get waves of other obsessions and compulsions sometimes too"
It felt weird to talk about it so casually.
But, on the other hand; that's what we knew about each other.
So what else were we going to talk about?
21, 22, 23.
23.
That's right.
"I... I don't really know what I am. I... I am afraid that people will leave or die or disappear or hate me if I don't do something correctly, like tapping or blinking or organising or checki...", I looked at Mateo. "Well you get it. What's your verdict?"
"I mean we're all mixed. But I think you're mainly an afraid-of-causing-other-people-harm type", Sepi said, her black eyes thoughtful as she told me. "Like me. And I'm also a little like Mateo. I'm also afraid-of-causing-myself-harm. Basically, I'm really terrified of getting sick. And getting other people sick", she concluded, laughing a little to mask the awkwardness of the situation. I noticed that none of us had eaten the cookies. Mateo's phone got a notification, and he checked it quickly.
"Sorry, gotta go, my brother's here. Nice to meet you, Rue", he said, already walking quickly towards the door. "See you next week!", waving his hand at us, as we did too.

There was a quiet pause.

It lasted a little too long.
It got to the awkward stage.
I didn't know what to say.
It was just such a weird scene.
Sepi took a deep breath.
"Are you taking the train home?", Sepi hesitatingly asked, but before I could answer she answered the question herself. "Sorry - of course you're not", her face a little embarrassed.
"No, um, you're right, Vanessa's picking me up", I said, instantly feeling a need to explain myself. "My Mom", the simple word meaning so much that I caught myself off-guard.
Tap.
I did.
"My adoptive Mom", explaining it again.
Now she must think that I'm weird, I thought to myself.
TAP.
"Oh, nice! Getting picked up sounds like a dream right now", not even mentioning my messy way of talking. "I'm trying to relearn to go places by myself at the moment. Public transport training it is for me", she said, quite casually.
"Gotcha", I commented, fascinated by how far she had come. "When... when were you diagnosed?", begging for the fact that it wasn't a too personal question.
I mean, what do you talk about after group therapy? There's only so much that I knew about this person.
She didn't even blink.
I did, though. 23 times. A good amount. I started the set again, counting.
"When I was... eleven?", she even seemed unsure, shrugging her shoulders.
"It got worse with age, because the older I got, the more I knew, and the more I could worry about. I ended up in hospital after drinking hand disinfectant because I thought I had to clean my insides after eating something that I thought was going to make me sick", her voice was light, yet serious, while talking about the memory.
"That only made me sicker, of course. At first, the hospital staff actually thought I was an alcoholic because after waking up - I tried to find the nearest disinfectant because there were sick people at the hospital and I didn't want to get sick. I mean, I could've been an alcoholic 11-year-old. I just wasn't", she continued, her eyes looking like they were in a far away place. She exhaled. "I haven't really told anyone that"
I felt her words in my heart.
"I haven't really talked to anyone outside my family or hospital staff in a month", I said. "And I haven't told anyone else how I got diagnosed or how bad it is either. So today was a first", letting the words flow because it somehow felt okay and safe to speak to her because she knew how it was. "So it's okay", nodding at her.
And so, I took a deep breath too.
Blinked a little.
"I got the diagnosis in January. Vanessa and Lin, my adoptive parents, noticed that something was up and took me to Dr Noma, and I refused to believe them because I've always been like this, like it's normal for me. I had a really hard time accepting it and really it has only gotten worse since", I stopped, debating whether I was going to tell her what had happened lately.
Don't say it.
She'll hate you.
She'll think you're weird.
Is this rational?
No.
She told me what she'd been through.
She'll understand, if anything.
But-
I pushed away my spiralling mind, swallowed and said it without overthinking it.
"I downed two bottles of my antidepressants last month because I thought it was going to fix me so that Lin and Vanessa and Sebastian, my little adoptive brother, wouldn't leave me", I somehow managed to get the sentence out in one piece, my voice shaky.
She took my hand.
"I get that", she said, squeezing my hand. "It gets better", smiling a little at me.
The affirming sentence left a familiar feeling, a sense that someone else, this very person, knew what I was feeling. What I was going through. That she had been there.

It was warming.
Two people, standing still and holding hands; just acknowledging each other.
Two people who hadn't known each other an hour earlier.
In the words of Anne of Green Gables, maybe we were kindred spirits.
I had never met anyone that was like me, nor someone who just got me.
It didn't even cross my mind to do anything to prevent something.
It just felt safe at that very moment.

"Thanks", I said, not really knowing how to reply. She nodded, taking up the cookie, fiddling with the plastic packaging. She held it up in front of me, looking at it with pure focus.
"The annoying thing is that these are actually really good chocolate chip cookies", she sounded almost disappointed in herself as she put it back in the jar. "Maybe next week", shrugging her shoulders, only to look down at her fiddling hands.

Blink.
The muffled instruction was still so prominent.
I did.

At the same time, I got an idea.
"If I eat mine and you'll see that I'm fine, will you eat yours?", I held up mine, suggesting it in a way that Lin or Vanessa would suggest things to me when I was worrying. Somehow, I was mirroring them. Then, I hesitated.
"Sorry if that was weird I just know that it works for me", blurting out the sentence as I instantly got insecure.
"No, no, that actually sounds okay", the uncertainty in her voice was shining through, so recognisable from the other side.
I unwrapped the cookie from the plastic.
I took a bite.
She looked at me.
I smiled a little and swallowed.
Waited a few seconds.
"And... I'm fine", I announced. "And you weren't joking, this is a really good cookie"
She seemed to be counting, putting the cons and pros to the test. When she hit a certain number, she covered her hands in hand sanitizer, took up the cookie, unwrapped it and took a bite as quickly as she possibly could.
"Right?", she said, a nudge happier than a few seconds ago. For the first I realised how it was for someone else to see me struggle and then, on a few occasions, feel better after a little bit of help.

On the other hand, how was I so calm with talking to this new person? How was I doing so well?, I thought to myself, almost in awe of my own ability to socialize.

I looked at the clock on the wall behind her.
"I... I gotta go, Vanessa will be outside in a minute", I told her, a little stressed. I usually liked to wait by the entrance so I could go outside just when Vanessa pulled up.
"I'll go with you", she said, throwing the plastic in the trash can and sanitizing her hands again, before walking with me through the door.
Out into the corridor, into the elevator, out of the elevator because I said I didn't like elevators since they are unsafe, down the stairs, to the lobby and out the turning doors. Something, a simple route, that to people who didn't have OCD would've taken much less time than it did for us. They wouldn't have thought about it twice.
But for us?
We were taking turns of avoiding the cracks in the floor, tapping the doorway, asking whether I'm still fine and not starting to feel sick, blinking, touching a handle a certain amounts of times, counting the steps, looking for any signs of sickness - the routines never ending.

We didn't talk, only walked next to each other - following each other's lead and waiting for the other.

As I spotted Vanessa in the car, I picked up the pace. Her car was going to be like a safe haven for me, away from the crowded hospital corridors, stairs and lobby. We stopped outside, knowing we were headed in separate directions.
There was a quiet that was waiting to be broken.
"Well, good luck taking the train", I said, smiling a little. It had been nice to walk with someone this time.
"Good luck on going outside", Sepi said, smiling back. We didn't hug, only waved as we turned away from each other. I walked to the car and opened the door.
"Hi Rue-Rue!", Vanessa said, greeting me. "How was it?", stating the standard check-up question.
"It was good!", I said, excitedly yet quietly, as I sat down in the front seat. I was still avoiding the right seat in the back.
"Who was that?", she asked, unable to hide her curious tone as she started the car and began driving home.
"Um, we're in the same group, her name's Sepi", I replied. "She's nice", which could be considered an understatement. She had been more than nice. "She has OCD too, and then there's a boy named Mateo with it too"

It slipped into the conversation so easily, while still feeling wondrous about how I, after an hour, knew two people who, in one way or another, were like me.

"That's great!", Vanessa told me, beaming at me as we stopped by a red light. "Speaking of friends, have you been talking to Carson lately?", she asked, as she turned right at the intersection when the lights turned green.
"He called yesterday, asking how you were? He also wanted you to have a peach ice tea from him, so...", she continued, nodding towards the bag from my favourite cafe, Tua's. I swallowed, thinking of the phone I'd turned off and stashed away in my nightstand's drawer, as I took up the ice tea.

No decorations. Good.

"I haven't really, but tell him thanks", I said, thinking that I might get away with it by telling a white lie. I sipped the tea.
It was still as good as it had been the last time, which was the day of the kidnapping. I hadn't gone back there since then. At least it hadn't ruined that for me. At least he hadn't ruined that for me.
"Why?", she asked, a little concerned. Probably more worried than she let herself sound like.
I blinked a few times, thinking over my choices. And then I did it again; I decided not to overthink.
"I don't want him to know", I told her, taking the sincere and honest route. "People just wouldn't stop texting and I... I didn't wanna tell them and so I just stopped and let my phone's battery run out guess", rambling to explain my actions.
"Rue...", she began to say.
"I know", I cut her off, looking out onto the street filled with cars, bikes and people, trying to make her stop asking further questions. "I know", I said again, exhausted with myself. There was so much to do and so many things not to do.
"Carson knows you. He's a great friend. When you feel ready, talk to him", Vanessa said, somehow giving advice while also making a kind remark. We drove past a park on my side. The people walking there seemed so free, so content with life. I couldn't help but long for that to be me some day.

A little while later, Vanessa asked me something else.
"What about Via then? I haven't heard about her in a while", sneaking in more questions on the subject of friends.
"I... I don't know", I began to say, looking back at our friendship. "I don't know why we stopped talking. She... she didn't talk to me after I broke down in school back in March. And maybe I was ashamed to talk to her", the words just pouring out, for some reason. "When I got back, she just stared at me across the haul", I stated, playing the memory over in my head. She had been sitting with Guy the Guy, her boyfriend. Just staring at me, as I stated back.
"I guess she just got new friends while I was gone and that's okay", justifying my own feelings and actions as I shrugged my shoulders.
"Well, maybe she was scared to talk to you too?", Vanessa asked, checking the blind spot before making a turn. I shrugged my shoulders, again as I tried to avoid the subject.
"High school's hard, I know. But please, Rue-Rue, talk to your friends. You can't cut people off the minute they get too close. What if you had done that with us?"
I avoided her gaze that was flickering between the traffic and me.
"I know", I replied. "And I sort of did cut you off too", continuing before I had even debated it in my head. "I stopped talking to you so that I wouldn't bother you"
You did it to yourself.
Blink. Tap. Twitch. Count.
Before she could say anything else, I suggested something.
"I'll text them today if you'll stop asking me questions", I offered, a little as a joke, but I was completely serious. "I just don't want to talk about me and my mind any more", telling the honest truth.
Vanessa nodded, accepting my offer.
"Okay", she confirmed, and I made a mental note to charge my phone and reply to a few texts, at least. I switched directions and changed the subject to do so.
"How's that case going then? The one between that lab and those lab workers that took all the progress and opened a new lab?", I blurted out. Vanessa almost seemed surprised at the detailed question, but even though I had been in a low spot, I had overheard this case a few times.
"Oh god. Well, the first guy is too pissed to..."

Later, after dinner, my phone was fully charged. I didn't have too many new messages since the last time I checked, so it wasn't too stressful. I anxiously looked over at my desk that had a post it on it, saying Reply to Cars and Via (at least).
I looked up at the wall above my nightstand.
There, the adoption certificate hung.
I belong here, I thought to myself. I am not a burden.
I clicked on Carson and I's conversation.
I had stopped replying to him a month ago.
A week or two before I tried to kill myself.
When I was put on mute.
Now I had just been avoiding it.
Count and tap.
I began.
The last text was from yesterday.

>> How are you, my ruemarkable friend?

Still as kind as Carson had always been. He never wanted to make me feel small or lesser than I was, even though he knew that something was up.

<< Hey Cars👋 Sorry I've been a little off lately. I haven't been well, which you probably suspected. I'm feeling better now though❤️ Tell hi to Dom, Stella and Parker from me!👋

I decided to send it.
He already knew about the kidnapping, since I had been with him right before.
I hadn't told him about the overdose.
I looked back on today.
It had gone so well with new people.
I had made new friends.
So why wouldn't I manage Carson?

<< I'll tell you more when I have the chance to actually talk to you❤️

I pressed send. It felt like I was reliving and relearning something that I had been so used to doing before - talking, texting, chatting. And to be honest, it was scary to do it again.
To unmute. To start over. To get back.

Then, I decided to quickly read the text from Via - to just be done with it and check it off the list.

>> Hi Rue! I haven't seen you in school so I just wanted to say that I hope you're okay❤️

It was surprisingly normal to read a text from her. It wasn't weird, at least. Even though the last text before that was from back in March, before my breakdown.

<< Hey Via! I haven't been well but I'm feeling better atm❤️ Thanks for checking in! How are you?☺️

I quickly pressed send.
Blink 23 times.
Then, I thought that it sounded a little short.
She deserved more.

<< I'm sorry it got weird after that day in March, I just didn't really know what to say.

And before I knew it, she had replied.

>> Good to know you're feeling better👍 I'm good too😌 And I know, I didn't really know what to say either🤷‍♀️

<< Well at least we're on the same page😂

Then, the light conversation it took a turn.

>> Sorry if I might be completely wrong but do you have OCD?

The question was rather blunt. Harmless, if anything. Still, it made me feel uneasy.
Blink 23 times or she'll tell everyone.
Ir didn't seem okay to ask something that out of the blue. She couldn't know. She wasn't supposed to know.
Tap tap tap.
How does one answer that?

<< Yeah, I do. It's okay if that throws you off. It sorta makes me a lot to handle. So it's okay if you don't wanna be friends with me, just so you know.

I instantly replied, already feeling as if I had to explain myself. Which, indeed, resulted in overexplaining.

>> No, no. I was just worried about you. Say hi in school next time and I'll introduce you to Guy❤️

Instant relief.

<< ❤️

This was why I didn't like texting.
It leaves one hanging, and then the outcome can be bad or good. It was much more stressful than talking in real life. You can't see their faces, their body language, their plan on what to say next.

Still, I had rekindled two friendships today.

So, while I was in this flow of checking off things to do, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in a month. There were several messages from a Dominic Moreau-Fletcher.
I looked through them.
Most of them were 3 am thoughts.
Three of them were How are you?s.
Two were Are you okay?s.
One were Miss you at school.
The last one was a Hope you're okay.
It made my heart race, feeling warm inside. A smile came out of nowhere.
And so, it struck me; I had actually missed this. I had missed them, and they had missed me.

And Dom had missed me too.
Dom.

Before I knew it, I had typed a reply.

<< Hey Dom! Sorry I haven't been replying to your three am thoughts. Reading them back all in all was very fascinating, to say the least. From here on now, I promise to write back as quickly as I can. Also, I'm okay. Thanks for looking out for me.

Hesitantly, I added a heart.

<< ❤️

And so, my heart raced even faster.
In an attempt to try and calm myself down, I put down the phone and took up my copy of Pride and Prejudice.
Another thought struck me, that maybe I was going to try and finish it today.
To rekindle and move on.
To make progress.
To get better.
To check another thing off the list.
In a good way.

An hour later, sitting in my pyjamas and just as I finished reading the very last sentence, the notification bell rang.
Facebook.
In hopes that it was from Dom, I attacked the phone, making me feel a little silly.
But it wasn't.
Instead it was from someone else.
Someone new.
A friend request from a certain Sepideh Amiri.
I couldn't help but smile.
I had made at least one new friend.
And I had talked to my old friends.
And I was really, really, proud of myself.

—————
Heya! 👋
How are you guys? Long time no see. Summer's ending and autumns coming - but at least I have a treat in form of this chapter for all of you💕

Per usual, it takes me a long long time to write a chapter. Especially when there's much to be said in a chapter. This one was very much centred around coming to terms with yourself and managing friends. Can you tell I'm trying to tie the loose ends of this story together so that we can get a little closer towards the end haha?😌

It was actually a very fun chapter to write. New characters, old characters, and really celebrate that Rue's getting better! Until the very end I was undecided whether to make Via mean or kind... hopefully you're happy with my decision! And gosh, I've missed writing Carson!☀️ Also, this chap had a little less focus on Vanessa and Lin. Hope that's okay with you all!💞

Q of the Day: Which side character are you most excited to hear more from in the future? Carson, Via, Dom, Sepi, Mateo?👀🥰
Me? Well, Carson, clearly. I've missed him a little too much💐

So my math and science classes have started and to be honest, they are rather boring. Just gotta get through them, I suppose. In other news, I've started working "more" part time in the little children's clothing store I work at!🎉 Which means I get a really good study/work balance actually☺️

Hopefully you liked the chapter and if you did, please leave a comment or a vote - it means the world to me! 🌍

Have the loveliest of days now,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 11th of September, 2021