[A/N: Heya! A little head's up: this is the first of two parts! Well, right know it is. And I wrote this in two days. Which is rare for me. Very. So hold tight for part two, To find: Home. Enjoy the chap!💐]

Vanessa's POV
We were standing outside the hospital. I was holding her hand, tightly. I didn't want to lose her again. I watched for any routines or signs of panic. She wasn't standing on any cracks on the pavement, she was blinking and tapping rhythmically but breathing normally.

It was better than other days. And at least that's a plus, I told myself.

I just wanted this to go well. So many things had already gone wrong. And she deserved good. She was going home. She was going to be where she felt like she belonged.
"Rue, Niñita? Promise to tell me if it's too much. Okay?", I said, facing her. She hadn't been outside in a rather long time, and there was a lot of things going on around her. People running late, cars honking, ambulances passing, people talking. It was unpredictable, and she was not very fond of the unknown.
"I'm okay, V", she said quietly, with a warm undertone in her voice. She sounded almost happy. And that little spark of joy warmed me too.

After a few minutes of waiting, Lin pulled up with the car, waving from the driver's seat. It had only taken five minutes, just as he'd promised Rue five minutes earlier. She took a deep breath. This was the last step. She could finally come home.

Dr Noma and Dr Arden had followed us out, watching her every step. It didn't seem to bother her. If something, it was calming her.
I carefully let go of her hand, so that I could take her bag and put it in the trunk, as I nodded towards Lin.
"Mom, mom!", I heard Sebastian shouted happily from his child car seat. My heart filled with joy. I opened the door to the back, where I was faced with a very excited one-and-a-half-year-old.
"Hi, little man! Mom missed you too!", I said, stretching out to kiss his forehead. He giggled, laughing with excitement. He loved car rides. This was no exception.

I looked back at Rue, knowing that Lin had taken over from me, as he had gotten out of the car when I let go of her hand. We had switched almost automatically. The two of them were standing right next to the car, him holding her dotted backpack.
But, he wasn't holding her hand.
Instead, Rue was hugging dr Noma. She was hugging someone. Someone that wasn't me or Lin.
"Thank you", I heard her say quietly and genuinely.
I felt tears building up in my eyes.
She was talking.
She was standing.
She was living.
And there was a long way ahead of her.
But she was Rue.
And she was ready.
"No, no, thank you. See you next week, Rue", Dr Noma said, smiling calmly.
They let go, and Rue turned to Dr Aarden.
"Thank you for letting me go home", she told him, with a grateful look on her face.
"You earned it, Rue. You don't have to say thank you to anyone. Follow your scheme. Tell your parents when it gets hard again. Okay?", words of wisdom of which I knew she already knew - she had written them down in a little notebook which she brought to therapy.
"Okay", she said. There was even a smile on her face. Suddenly another voice joined in, out of breath and excited.
"Hey, Rue!", the paramedic, Malakai, shouted calmly as he came walking quickly, so that he wouldn't startle her. "Heard you were going home today!", and so her smile grew even bigger.
She was really going home today.
Even I had a hard time realising the truth.
But really it felt like we were taking this big leap that may set her back a few steps.
"Just wanted to say goodbye. I hate to see one of my favourite patients go, but you've ended up in my ambulance twice now, Rue. So can you please try to keep our promise that we made yesterday? To try and stay out of my ambulance, or any ambulance, for the foreseeable future? To try and get better?", his kind eyes, looking out for her. His simple request warmed my heart. He had come to visit her a few days ago, wanting to check on her. And then he had come back again yesterday after she woke up from the sedation. They had talked a lot, and it seemed to have cheered her up a little.
"I promise I'll try", she told him.
My heart melted.
"Shake on it?", he asked, holding out his hand.
I was crying now, a smile plastered on my face.
She took his hand, shaking it firmly.
She knew.
She had decided.
She was doing this.
"Well then, let's go!", Lin announced, with a touched look. She hadn't said that much in a long time. In a very long time. But, now she was seeing the light at the end of a very long tunnel. And she was ready. Ready to try.
I quickly wiped the tears off of my face, as Rue turned around towards me, smiling. She was going home to where she belonged.
Rue began to walk towards me, aiming for the backseat, where she always sat when we were four in the car.
"Wait Rue, I'll sit here, and you'll sit in the front. Alright?", I said, the worry already turned on. She hadn't been in the backseat since the journalist. She had barely set foot in a car. Lin and I had planned the homecoming in detail - and so I would sit in the back so she would feel safe.
"It's fine, I'll sit here", she said, sure of herself, yet with a hint of fear in her eyes. I wasn't convinced.
"No, no, you don't have to, Niñita", I said.
"Yes, I do", she replied. She had already made up her mind. And there was nothing stopping her. Because this was her trying. It was all or nothing. Some people may call her stubborn, some determined. I hadn't decided yet. I just admired her. And trusted her; because I knew she would speak up if something was going on.
"Okay, Rue-Rue. Okay", I nodded towards her.
She tapped her thigh, blinked and hopped in.
As she closed the door, I faced the doctors to say goodbye.
"Thank you", I stated, in unison with Lin. "We can't say it too many times. Truly, thank you"
"Don't thank us. Thank her", Dr Noma said, nodding towards Rue who was playing with Sebastian in the back. "She's a fighter"
"Yes, she is", Lin said.
She always has been.

Rue's POV
I leant my head against the window, carefully waving goodbye to the people who had looked out for me. Who had let me go home. Who had believed me. Who had been so nice even though I wasn't nice to myself.
Even though what I had done to myself was horrible.
They had given me a chance.
A second one.
And I was taking it.

And so, I was already counting, mouthing the numbers, to prevent anything from happening. I was building up a defender wall, ready with every technique I knew.

"Rue-Rue?", Lin said, from the driver's seat, about to check on me even though we were only two or three blocks down the road from the hospital.
"Hm?", I replied, wondering what he wanted with a simple articulation, as I quickly turned my head before I realised what I was doing.
I caught myself off guard.
The view changed.
I couldn't hear what Lin said.
I was in the right backseat, like I had been then.
And he was sitting in front of me instead of Lin. The journalist. His sharp face, ragged day old stubble, bad haircut, hoodie, blood shattered eyes. To others, he might have looked like a normal taxi driver - only a little worn out, as if he hadn't gotten enough sleep. Until they saw his eyes. They were kind at first, until he looked one straight in the eye and locked them in place so you wouldn't dare to look away.
Vanessa wasn't in her seat. Sebastian was gone. I skipped for air, as I was trying to breath normally at the same time, looking around in panic.
Tap. Tap.
It was an order. And so I did it. Changing my counting, resetting it to zero as I started to tap.
From afar, I could hear Lin asking me a question. And then asking it again, when I didn't answer.
I couldn't even hear the question.
"Yeah", I said, agreeing with whatever I was supposed to agree with so that it would seem like I was here when I actually wasn't.
I didn't want this.
Not today.
I was going home today.
I didn't want to ruin it.
I looked around, turning my head from side to side. It wasn't changing. A memory that I'd worked so hard for it to disappear. The memory of him; perfectly embedded in my mind, brought forward when I least expected him. It was like a weight falling on me, as if gravity was working harder than it should be. Stuck in my seat, unable to move as I was slowly being pressed down.

It's not real, I told myself. It's not real.
I promised them. I said I'd be fine. I said I could handle it. This is not real. Just count. Just breathe. Breathe, Rue.

Suddenly he looked at me in pure disgust, and I stiffened up, paralysed from fear. The rational  way of thinking was thrown out the window at that very moment. The fear embossed my entire body.

It was all too real. Too much. Too scary.

And so, I was back there.
No going back.
Back in that seat, in the speeding taxi cab that braked so hard that I'd hit my head in the shotgun's seat.
Back where I'd blacked out from panic.
Back where it all went wrong.
Back with him.
I pressed myself further away, into the corner of the seat and the door.

Get it together. You're ruining it. You have to get home. You promised.
It wasn't me anymore.

My breath was getting heavier. Suddenly it felt like someone was pressing me down. Like I was being slowly strapped down, trapped underneath something bigger than me. I started to shake from my muscles tensing up, locked in position, exhausted at this point.
It was a blur around me. Nothing sharp except him.

Yet, my mind couldn't handle the change from piano to forte. But him. It only got clearer, more frightening and much more real.

Somehow, I could hear Sebastian laughing, singing along to whatever was playing on the radio. I could hear Lin, asking me again, sounding more worried. Then, I heard Vanessa say something.
I didn't answer this time.
I couldn't, because I wouldn't dare to do it.

I didn't know how much time had passed.
If it had been a few seconds, or if it had been a minute or more. It just all went by too quickly.
I had no idea.
All I knew was that I was stuck in my seat.
Nowhere to go.
Nothing to do.
Stuck.
Just stuck.
There was nothing I could do.

Except something I didn't want.
Scratch your arms.
I panicked.
My arms were getting heavier.
Aching for them to ache.
Just waiting for my fingers to dig into the old wounds, under the bandages.
Make them bleed.
It wasn't rational; it never was.
The rationality was long gone.
I couldn't even see it.
It was just the way my mind and body worked.
I flew away from the situation by doing other things; by occupying myself with routines.
And sometimes they would hurt.
It would hurt like h*ll.
At the same time as it was a relief; an escape from my made up reality.

And right know it felt like the only rational thing to do, as if it was the only way to get out of the flashback.

Scratch your left wrist. Then the right. It has to hurt. It is the only way.
I swallowed, fighting the urge as the world was creeping in on me. There was still him, the journalist, in front of me. He wouldn't leave if I didn't follow the command.
And I was still frozen.

I could feel my hand getting closer to my arm. It felt unstoppable.
But, I had to stop.
I had to try.
Don't tell.
Do not tell them.
I was on the verge of tears, holding on for dear life as I forced myself not to do the very thing that I wanted. That I so badly wanted.
I couldn't breath.
I couldn't get air.
I couldn't-
Don't you dare.
I have to try.
I promised them.
I promised myself.
"V? V? Lin?", my voice, filled with fear, desperately said, trying to come across to them. My voice was broken from the first tears that had started to fall down from my eyes. It was as if I didn't know where they were, I couldn't wrap my mind around it. They weren't here. But they were. They said something. I didn't hear what.
"I-I, I don't think I can, I... I...You have to st-stop, p-pull... pull over, I... I..."
I felt the car move sideways, quickly.
They already knew.
They were prepared.
Don't say it.
Do not say it.
"I th-th-think... think... I'm...", I wept, gasping for air, not sure about where I was going with the sentence as I was forcing it out, word by word.
"I think I'm going to hurt myself, I... I think I might, I... I will... I can't, I can't get out...He... He's going to...", defying the routine as I ran out of air, skipping for more, unsuccessfully. Tapping constantly.
My surroundings were moving, as if I was a child who had fallen asleep on the way home from somewhere. Only I wasn't sleeping.
I could hear them, their words, saying things I couldn't understand. Like we were speaking two different languages.
I was shaking harder now.
From restricting myself.
From holding back.
I almost felt sick from the effort.
Sick from trying.

And then, as I lifted my head, I saw him again. Looking down at me.
Punching me.
Pressing me down.
Keeping me from living.
It was over. I knew that. I knew I couldn't stop myself from that very fragment in time.
"I... I...", I managed to get out of my mouth.
Now, I was only waiting for the darkness.
The nothingness.
I knew that that was the next step.
Where I didn't see him.
Where it was quiet.
But it was getting louder.
It was almost unbearable.
In the midst of it all, the car must have stopped. I flew forward a little, the seatbelt catching me.

Scratch your wrist and it will all be fine.
Scratch your wrist, Rue.
Scratch your wrist.
SCRATCH IT.

Someone took my arms in a tight grip, holding them far away from each other as I still fought to do the thing I wanted. Kicking and screaming.

Then, the world came back.
And I could see again.

I realised it was Vanessa.
I could see her. Her eyes, her mouth, her nose.
Her face worried, slightly panicked, saying things I couldn't hear.
They took me in their arms and lifted me out onto the concrete.
Out of that very dark and lonely place.
"It's... I-I, I'm...", unable to form a sentence, almost feeling nauseous from the exhaustion.
Vanessa held me tightly.
Lin looked me in the eyes, even though I was blinking so hard that it might as well have been a stop motion movie.
His mouth saying things that I couldn't understand.
But, I could see that his mouth formed a shhh. And it made me feel at ease. It was so familiar.
Still, I had to tell myself it was Lin.
It was Vanessa.
They were here.
And that he wasn't there anymore.
That he was gone.
And that I didn't have to do it anymore.

"It's okay, you're okay", Vanessa whispered calmly. It took a second for me to realise that I could hear her. That I was out of my bubble. That I was out of there. "We're okay, Rue-Rue"
My breath was still heavy as my body tried to adjust back to normal, as my mind was looking for a viable apology. Even though I wasn't supposed to say sorry anymore.
"I-I.. I th-thought I c-c-could do it, I-", my words fragmented and quiet. "It... It's just so... s-so...", unable to continue to tell them. To tell the truth.
"-scary?", Lin said, with his kind eyes looking at me while he wiped my tears. It wasn't a big, fancy word. It was a normal one.
And it sort of made me feel normal.
I nodded, letting out a cry as I realised the state of the situation. I could no longer sit in the right back seat of a car. I couldn't do anything anymore.
"Hey, hey... Rue?", Lin said, asking for my attention. "I know it's scary. Probably much scarier than I can ever understand. And you know what? You made it this far. And I am so proud of you", he continued, as I looked at him in desperation. "Because you told us before you did anything. You told us, Niñita. Don't you see? You are a fighter. You always will be. And right now you just need us to help you. And we will be here. And that's okay. Okay?"
I nodded.
"Okay"
And maybe it would be okay.
Maybe.

———
Hello, hello, hello!
A chap for you all. The first part of the homecoming (as for now). Filled with joy and hope, just as well as fear and panic. A little mix. Hopefully you liked it!🎉

So what's happened in my life? Not much, honestly. Just school. The final stretch. Assignment on assignment, test on test. But, I graduate in literally three weeks. Since when did that happen? I feel like you've followed me on here through the years... I started writing this while I was fourteen, in eighth grade. Since then I've graduated from high school, had two jobs, turned nineteen and am about to graduate from gymnasium. Also a pandemic happened, and is still happening. A little crazy. Five years😅

So, it's no wonder that I'm thinking about how to end this fan fiction. I've never really had a plan. But, I feel like we are getting towards the end. And that's fine. But don't worry, I'll probably just start writing a sequel, filled with little snippets of Rue's life. I can't really let her go. What do you think about that?👀😌

But right now, my focus is here. And I hope you're up for the ride! Just remember I'm terribly unstable when it comes to writing - so it might take a few months or a few years💓

Update on my wellbeing - I am feeling better. I think. Maybe I was fed up with everything, got some sort of seasonal depression which only got worse with the COVID situation, distance learning and lack of social life. And I guess a lot of people have felt that way during this past year, so hopefully I'm not alone💐

I also believe that the fact that I am graduating affects me both positively and negatively. I am excited to be finished. I am also terrified of leaving one of the things that have been stable in my life - learning. I am excited of what's to come. I am also terrified of what's to come. Like yay, I'm an adult now... Still, it's sad to graduate during a pandemic. And to everyone who is graduating this year, or did last year: I feel you💓

In Sweden, a typical graduation or "student" is having a prom weeks before, then champagne breakfast at your classmate's house, running out from your school to music while wearing fancy clothes and your personally engraved student hats, your parents and relatives and friends standing in the schoolyard with a placard of an old picture of you with your name on it, getting roses, cards and teddy bears hung around your neck, to then jump on the back of a truck with your classmates and dance, drink and scream to music as they drive you around town along with 30 other trucks. To then come home to a party which every friend, family friend and member, far-relative and neighbours come to, eat some good food and open presents and then go to a party at your classmate's house. It'll be a weird student for me. I'll get to run out, but my parents won't be there. No back of a truck. We'll walk to a park instead. Go home. Fewer guests than it typically would be. Just weird. But that's okay. I'm still excited💓

Well then...
Q of the day: how do you celebrate a graduation in your country, typically?👀

I truly hoped you liked this chapter. If you did, please leave a vote and comment if you feel like it💐

Sincerely,
H

Published: 15th of May, 2021