[A/N: Per usual - long time no see! Lovely to see you here. Have a lovely read<3]

Lin's POV
Vanessa was pacing back and forth, pressing her phone against her ear. Every movement of hers was tense, stressed in a way. She was talking to her parents as the night turned to day, her voice soft and somehow calm as she asked them to pick up Sebastian and Tobillo as the sun found its way into the emergency waiting room. She was braver than me, as I was moving my finger back and forth over the call-button, unable to make myself tell my own parents.
Unable to know what to say.
Or do.
Or think.

I swallowed, anxiously looking towards the end of the corridor; where Rue had disappeared just a few hours ago. And we were still oblivious. I was thinking, thinking of what had happened and what could've been if I'd recognised the signs.

Still, I couldn't find the signs.
I hadn't seen anything.
I had nothing to go on.
Absolutely nothing.

I was out of tears, and so was Vanessa. We were a mix of tired red eyes, blinding headaches and jumpy hearts as soon as something happened. The adrenaline was still pumping through our veins. Our heads would turn in panic as soon as we heard an alarm; alarmed it was meant for Rue. Because we never wanted to take another path without her.

Just two panicked parents in the waiting room, just a pair of two someones in the crowd.

"One", I mouthed, and continued - it making me feel a part of something. A part of helping Rue. "Two... Three", counting like I'd continuously done since we came here. It bringing me a feeling that I was somehow bringing her peace from our corner of the hospital. Far away from her; yet so close. "Four... Five... Six", I was counting like Rue's life depended on it; like every number would increase her probability of survival.

I was counting because she couldn't.

"Seven", Vanessa filled me in, as I felt her sitting down next to me, leaning her head against my shoulder - I, returning the favour, as I put my head against hers. We were dependent on each other, holding each other up when it felt impossible. Suddenly, I could feel my shoulder getting wet - more tears - as Vanessa spoke the words we were both thinking.
"I failed h-her", she sobbed, biting her lip. "I-I... I should've seen something, I could've done something-", as I wiped her tears.
"I, too, promised to keep her safe-", I whispered, unable to comfort her nor myself, as the thoughts she spoke had its own representation in my head. I put my arm around her, screaming for the comfort of someone else in this spacious waiting room that somehow felt so claustrophobic. I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep myself from crying.
"V?", though the call for attention was unnecessary as she was already listening to me. "We're here. Rue's here. We did all we could, when we could. And she's in safe hands now-", trying to justify everything, trying to help the thoughts from spiralling further.

Even though this wasn't justifiable.
It would never be justifiable.

"I know, I know... I just feel as if I'm holding my breath, Lin - what if she doesn't make it? Why did she take those pills? What if she'll never see the adoption papers? What if-", she quietly said in a panicking manner before I cut her off, as I was seeing the finished adoption certificate in my mind. It had been on the kitchen counter, in a brown envelope that Vanessa had written Ruth April Eileen Miranda with a calligraphy pen on. Vanessa had picked it up the day before, but we hadn't wanted to give it Rue, because of everything that had happened yesterday. The emotions, even though she'd hopefully gotten excited, would only stack and then fall apart. And she had already been at the peak of panic and then just quiet.
The quiet Rue that none of us knew.
The quiet Rue that had done this.
The quiet Rue that was so unruelike.
"I don't know, I don't... I'm holding my breath too, V-", but before I could say anything else, my phone began to ring - the caller ID spelling Mom.
They must've heard from Vanessa's parents, I thought. They must've heard. Why else would they call this early?
Though, now I had to say the words.
I had no choice.
I put the phone up against my ear, answering - thinking that the last time I was on the phone, it was to 911 with Rue's lifeless body in front of me.
"Hi Mom", I said, forming the words in a happy way; putting on a façade, while Vanessa gave me a worried look.
"Oh, Lin! Hi! Me and your father are just about to head to the airport, I was just going to leave a message. Truly didn't think you'd be up at this hour; did Seb wake you up?", my mom's happy voice asked. They were going to Puerto Rico today. In the midst of all; I'd forgotten.
I took a deep breath, Vanessa looking with unsure eyes at me as I pulled my hands through my hair.
"No, um...", debating every way of saying the next few words in my mind.
Rue tried to kill herself.
Rue tried to commit suicide.
Rue wanted to die.
Rue overdosed.
Rue did... something.
I didn't even want to think it.
I couldn't even form the words.
Vanessa squeezed my hand, nodding towards me. Always there. Always being Vanessa.
I took a deep breath, even though it felt like it didn't fill my lungs with oxygen at all.

"Rue... Rue downed a bottle of her antidepressants this morning"

The words stayed there, as the silence on the line grew louder and louder. I could practically feel my Mom's mindset change; from excitement to the exact opposite.
She was quiet, unable to reply.
I collected whatever was left of my bravery, as I desperately wanted to fill the silence.
"We called 911 the moment she told us. We're at the hospital now. We don't really know what's going on, but that she's being looked after. Seb's with V's parents, and so's Tobi", I managed to utter, on the verge of breaking down - thinking a few words over and over.
No one should have to make this call, them repeating in my mind. No parent, no friend, no sibling. Absolutely no one.
There was quiet. In the background, I could hear my dad asking what's going on?
"Is she okay?", my mom asked, ignoring my dad as the question began to echo in my head. I held tighter onto Vanessa, as I realised the matter of fact.
I don't know, I thought, repeating it over and over like it was a tape, stuck in my mind. I don't know if my daughter is okay. I don't know if my daughter is alive. I don't know.
"We don't know. We hope so. We're just waiting", I replied, somehow containing myself as I moved on from one sentence to the other. On the other side of the line, I could hear my panicked mom putting her hand over the mic, turning to my dad.
Still, I could hear what was being said.

At first, my mother didn't say anything.
She was processing, wondering how to put it.
How to form the words.
Just like I had.

Then the words came.
The sentence I'd avoided to even think about this entire night.

"Rue tried to kill herself"

The words were hanging in the air; unanswered and unbelievable.
It was like a déjà vu from the seconds before, being repeated over and over again.
Her voice was hanging on by a thread, as it was muffled and quieted. My dad was now going through the same change I'd heard my mom going through, as he was trying to process the words - one by one.

And so was I; I hadn't said nor even thought those words yet; I didn't want to utter them. I was doing everything to avoid them because deep within, I didn't believe them. I didn't want them to be true.

But, yet they were.
Too much.
Too true.
Too real.

She unmuffled the mic, directing her next words at me - saying something that hadn't crossed my mind.
Something that I hadn't even reconsidered up until this moment.
Something that I hadn't even thought about was strange.
Something that was speaking against the harshness of reality.

"...she told you?"

And suddenly I was going through the early morning hours, from the V? I did something to the medics reeling her down the corridor.

She's told us.
She never told us anything.
This was different.
It had been a cry for help.
Maybe she hadn't wanted to die?
Maybe-

Then, a doctor calmly walked towards us with a serious look and a file in his hand.
"Yeah, um Mom, I need to hang up - we'll update you and Dad as soon as something happens, okay? Bye-", stopping the call before she could tell me otherwise - but not stopping the reasoning in my mind as I was going from one thought to another.
Both me and Vanessa stood up at the same time, as the doctor nodded toward us and held out his hand.
First she shook his hand, then so did I.
"Hello mrs Miranda, mr Miranda - I'm Dr Henry Aarden. I'm the pediatric emergency physician on call today. I've been taking care of your daughter Ruth and managing her treatment", he locked his eyes at me; only breaking eye contact to do the same with Vanessa's. We were both just nodding and humming along, ignoring how someone else was calling her Ruth and not Rue, as our heart rates were increasingly going faster and faster while feeling panic over the words to come next.

Still, I couldn't leave my own thoughts - finding myself counting in my head again.
One, two...
Maybe the numbers would bring her peace.
That we're counting for her.
What if she didn't want to die?
Three, four...
What if she hadn't been able to stop it?
Five, six...
What if-

Suddenly, he smiled.
"Your daughter is stabilized", and the world around us somehow started moving again. We were no longer a couple of streetlights, choking on the heat - frozen to our feet, ready to leave as the world continued to spin around. Something it hadn't been doing since she told us.
I squeezed Vanessa's hand, as she did the same.
We dared to breath again.
Long, oxygen-filled, breaths.

Rue was okay.
She was going to make it.
Our daughter was alive.

"We needed to pump her stomach, and she got a dose of active charcoal already in the ambulance. She's still unconscious, and in case anything happens we've sedated her for the next couple of hours. Her body is still experiencing some symptoms, but they are constantly getting milder and hopefully, when she wakes up, her body will be completely free from the chemicals", his voice calmly delivering the words that were bringing us peace. Making us calm, letting us lose the tense hold of our surroundings.

Everything was audible again. From the vending machine, to the nurses chatting over the counter and the little child watching Paw Patrol on his grandfather's phone. It was like unveiling the universe I'd once known, one that I'd ignored and forgotten about.

"Can we see her, please?", a question that I couldn't hinder myself from asking, as it had its answer already. Yet, my mind was hoping for another.
Dr Aarden smiled a little, but only to shake his head back and forth.
"I'm afraid not. She's still recovering and being closely monitored due to the hospital's suicide protocol", forming his sentence so diplomatically that I didn't dare to protest.
"Thank you, Doctor Aarden. Truly, thank you", Vanessa said, her voice shaky, as I saw how she was always going to be the professional one - no matter the situation. I nodded along; lost for words as I hugged Vanessa - feeling the urge of having someone to hold on to when we'd been so close at losing someone.
"My pleasure. Still, if you'd come along with me, I'd like to go over a few things with you", he seriously said as he turned around and led the way to a small, quiet, room with a table, which had two chairs on either side. On the table, there was a stack of medical records and documents, along with the yellow RUE-folder.

I could suddenly feel the pressure building up again.
The last time we were in one of these rooms, it was after the kidnapping.
They'd collected us with the good news in the waiting room. Then, they'd come with the bad news - shielded from the things around us - keeping our reactions away from the public.
After everything had gone so wrong.
And they had, yet again, gone that way.

Both me and Vanessa took a chair, and sat down. We were still holding each other's hand. We were determined to not let go; to be there for each other no matter the circumstances.

A nurse knocked on the door, that Dr Aarden just had pushed closed, and opened it slightly as he tried to get Aarden's attention.
"Dr Aarden? I've got Dr Lane for you", he said. I couldn't help but notice that he was quite young, with tattoos all over his arms and his hair up in a bun - the complete opposite of the Doctor sitting right in front of us. He was a man in his 50s, of asian descent, and his hair was cut short with a pair of glasses on his nose.
"Thank you Townes, now, please, get back to the patient. Dr Lane, come in", Dr Aarden said, flipping through the documents before him. Who I assumed to be Dr Lane, walked in. She held her hand out for us to shake it, and so we did. It seemed to be protocol to greet in this way.
"Hello, Mr and Mrs Miranda, I'm Dr Margaux Lane. I'm the psychiatrist on call today", taking her seat. She was in her late twenties, with her reddish brown curly hair collected in a low ponytail and kind eyes observing us.
"So, Mr and Mrs Miranda, even though Ruth is stabilized and that she's probably going to make a full recovery - there are some alarming signs", Dr Aarden stated, holding out a document for us.

That's what I'd been scared of.
The probably.

I was holding my breath again, trying to scan what the document said, as Vanessa took it. The numbers said nothing to me, as I was unable to understand it - and the same blank expression of mine was represented on Vanessa's face.
"While we were examining Rue, we came across that she had a much bigger percentage of the chemicals of Prozac in her blood, than she should have. It can easily be overlooked as a wrong number as it is unusual to get a result like that. However, the same percentage came up when we tested her a second time. We also looked through her earlier medical records, and the last time she was hospitalized - around a month ago - that percentage was also alarmingly high", he took a deep breath, glancing over to Dr Lane, and then taking eye contact with us again. It was like they were avoiding breaking eye contact; something completely opposite of what a normal person would do. It looked like he was hoping for us to connect the dots - yet we were both quiet. We were seeing the puzzle pieces; seeing where they were supposed to go; yet refusing to finish it.

I didn't want it to be true.

Neither did Vanessa.

"In conclusion, we think that Ruth has been overdosing regularly for quite some time, and the possibility is high that she planned the suicide months ahead", he said, the news hitting us like any bad news would. Unexpectedly; yet expected. It felt surreal and unbelievable, something so far from the controlled and organized Rue that I knew.

Yet, they said it was true. And maybe it was.

But, didn't she like us?
Didn't she want to stay?
Didn't she feel like she belonged?
Had she been that unhappy?
Why; why couldn't we see and why hadn't we seen that?

Vanessa squeezed my hand at the same time I squeezed hers.
"Of course we can't be sure yet. I am going to have to evaluate Ruth when she wakes up to see if our theory is correct", Dr Lane said, looking at the two of us. "And, I have a few questions for you too, if that's okay? Of course it's alright if you have to take a moment; we can always do it at a later time", she continued, scanning us as we still hadn't uttered a word. I felt observed, obliged to fall in line and not do anything wrong.

Vanessa was crying now.
I didn't have anything left in me to cry.
I was still connecting the dots.

She had been happy.
She'd called our place her home.
She called Sebastian her little brother.
She'd felt as if she belonged.

With that, my mother's words started echoing in my head again.

She told you?
She told you?

Vanessa hadn't described exactly how; only that Rue had stood in the doorway, holding on to the frame - her legs barely carrying her - as she asked for Vanessa, saying she'd done something.
Usually Rue didn't tell us when she was feeling bad; nor when it got too much.
This was different from the other times.
She had told us.
She had wanted help.
She had asked for Vanessa, who then screamed for me. I'd held her as her limbs had become lifeless, her eyes - so full of life - disappearing before me.

She had told us.

"I...", I began to speak. It was the first word that either of us had spoken since we'd entered the room came from me. The two doctors looked at me, but all I could see was Vanessa crying on my shoulder; and in my mind - the helpless look on Rue's face as she'd become unconscious before my eyes.
"I don't think Rue wanted to die", I bluntly said.
The two doctors seemed to take a deep breath in symbiosis, and I could see how my statement could be the one of any parent who had lost or almost lost a child to suicide.
No parent would ever want that.
Even Vanessa looked up at me, a tired look on her face as she helplessly began to say my name; and I knew I was being complicated and annoying. I knew I should've just accepted the fact that our daughter tried to kill herself. That I wasn't being fair questioning it. That I didn't see it, that I couldn't have done anything to stop it; that I had failed her.
"Lin...", but Dr Aarden cut her off.
But this didn't add up.
It didn't make sense.
She had told us.
She must have wanted to live.
She must have realised what she was doing.
She must have wanted our help.
Because she had told us.
"We understand that it can be hard to comprehend, but the situation is clear, Mr Miranda-", he said calmly, never breaking eye contact.
I narrowed my eyes; feeling the anger build up within me - my blood not far from the boiling point.
The situation is far from clear, I thought, while preparing the statement in my head. This is about my daughter. And she told us.
"No, wait - please, hear me out. I didn't see it before, it was something my mother said on the phone just before you came to the waiting room", I said, pleading my case - having their patience and understanding, but not in the way I wanted. Still, Vanessa had lifted her head - she could sense that I was being serious and gave me a confused look.

"You need to understand; we didn't find Rue. She told us"

The statement hung in the air as I looked from one person to the other. Vanessa turned to me quickly; realising my mind pattern while looking back at the night's events.
"You're right... I was asleep a-and she-she told me, asked for me as she held onto the doorframe and she said that she'd done something - but she wouldn't tell me what had happened... Maybe she didn't want to die and-", Vanessa began to hyperventilate as she started to connect the dots that I hadn't had the chance of telling her about, but Dr Lane cut her off.
"She told you?", just like my Mom had asked over the phone - it was so unlike any situation. But, most of all - it was unlike Rue to do so.
I began to nod, looking from one doctor to the other - no validation of my case in their expressions.
"Yes, she did. And Rue never asks for help", Vanessa said, almost like she was describing the situation to a preschool class. She had calmed herself; it was clear to her now that the situation wasn't clear. Then, she uttered a sentence that I hadn't thought about.
"I don't think she planned it either. The pills could be a routine. She panicked when she was out of them, right Lin?", her eyes found mine, and I understood.

Because that's how we worked - we completed each other in a way that few understood, but that Rue had seen the second she had moved in.

I nodded - turning to the overwhelmed doctors before us.
"Do you see now? This could be a result of her OCD - something she couldn't stop and that she didn't have control over", I continued, still puzzling the pieces in my head as the numerous times Rue went to the bathroom now made sense. How her silent and piano-like behaviour maybe had an explanation. How she'd done things to herself that she never could stop. Not without other people's help.
LIN! LIN! IT'S RUE IT'S-, hearing Vanessa's panicked voice waking me up yet again, CALL 911! Niñita, please...
Dr Lane and Dr Aarden looked at each other, exchanging facial expressions and processing the desperation of the parents on the other side of the table.
"Thank you for the information", Dr Arden said. "We'll consider the possibility of it not being a suicide attempt. But, we cannot be sure until Dr Lane has spoken to Ruth. Ruth will be under suicide watch until we know that she won't hurt herself further", he continued, collecting the documents - getting ready to go.
He was finished here.
They looked unimpressed.
It was clear that they hadn't believed a word we'd said.
Dr Lane observed us, as she stood up.
"And, you need to understand that she might have to stay longer. We already have evidence of self harm and therefore the possibility of this not being a suicide is minimal, Mr and Mrs Miranda. I'll evaluate her as soon as she wakes up, okay?", she said, probably thinking it was the realistic way of seeing the situation. And maybe it was.
But, it wasn't my way of seeing it. However, I nodded as the feeling of being monitored hit harder. Next to me, I heard Vanessa speak up.
"No", she sounded furious and frustrated, as she'd put on her lawyer-confidence. "Rue doesn't trust you. Nor does she trust any other person in this hospital besides me or Lin. She needs to speak to her therapist - whom she trusts - otherwise you won't be able to evaluate her, nor get a word out of her", speaking the truth in a situation where you probably shouldn't do so.
Dr Lane looked surprised, unable to find an answer; but then nodded bluntly. Her face gave a scared impression, like she didn't dare to speak back.
I looked at my lap, feeling a smile on my face. The first in a while. There was nothing coming between Vanessa and the feeling in her gut.
They shook our hands, and left without a word and with hope yet defeat on their faces.
And, so we were left alone in the small room.
They'd left the yellow RUE-folder behind.
"It's like she doesn't matter", Vanessa said quietly, taking it and holding it towards her chest - almost hugging it in a way. "Like her OCD, PTSD or trust issues aren't in the equation. Like she's just going to fall in line when someone asks", she looked at me.
"And we know that that's not going to happen", I said, as Rue's lifeless face flashed before me again. I squeezed her hand, saying I'm proud of you in a gesture, as I continued, "We're going to make her matter, V. You're going to make her matter"

But, it didn't feel better.
We hadn't won.
No outcome was good.
In one way; Rue'd done something with her own will.
In another; her OCD had forced her.
Still; something inside had told her to kill herself.
Nothing was better than the other.
The feeling of emptiness grew larger and larger.
Still here.
Still in this situation.
Still incomplete.
Every emotion poured out of us.
Every thought in the open.
Worried about our daughter; worried about why; the why that would always land on us.
The fact that we hadn't seen anything.
The fact that we hadn't noticed.
The fact that we had failed her.
The fact that we'd always be laying in the bed we'd made.
No matter what.

—————
Hiya all you lovely people!👋
Guess it takes me two months to write a chapter nowadays - however I do hope that you can accept my lame apology consisting of school/work/unmotivated/uninspired/feeling down/etc with this 4000+ word chapter!💓

In the last two months I've gotten a lot of new readers - hello to all of you! I hope you're enjoying this lil fanfic as much as I love writing it😌 Also a big old hi! to the people who's stuck around for so long. I adore you. Thank you💐

So in the last chapter I asked: what are we going to do to celebrate 100k reads?👀 The answer is... a Q&A!🎉 Hit me with your questions about the fic, or with questions for Rue or any of the characters, or with questions for me or whatever you want to ask here:

Q&A - comment and leave your Qs here!
(If you're asking a specific character, state the name in the beginning of the comment please!)

And I'll answer in the next chapter; so you probably got two months to ask stuff😂

Anyhow - what did you think of the chapter? Mixing it up again with the POVs; this time from Lin's perspective! I really enjoyed writing it from his angle so I hope you enjoyed it too! And Rue's looking better, and hopefully she'll get better too... but who knows? (Meee. Ah, not really, I write as I go)🍃

Well, autumn is here and the holidays are approaching. School is still sort of "chill", but with weeks where all essays and assignments are due and then weeks with nothing... so that's fun. As it's my last year of gymnasium/high school I have to write a thesis/university essay to prepare for university. It's going great so far - I think - and I plan on finishing around Christmas time. And hopefully I will be, I'm already 30-40 pages in🍂🍁 Also it's so weird that I'm graduating this summer. Like I ordered my graduation hat a few weeks ago and it's so pretty (can't post it bc it has my full name stitched onto it). And I'm going to have to start to think about what to do next???

Also, stricter restrictions due to COVID-19 came to my region this week. I'm still in school, and hope to stay in school, as my class is the only 3rd years still there because of the practical parts of our program... so it's us, the media 2nd years, and all the 1st years. Very quiet and very weird. I'm just happy to be in school, tbh🤞

Q of the Day: In the troubling times, I wonder - how are you doing?💞
Me? Oh, I'm fine - content with life in a way.

So, thanks for reading and if you liked the chapter - please vote or comment! It makes my day🥰

Have the loveliest of times,
Sincerely,
H

Published: Friday the 13th of November, 2020.