Lin's POV
I glanced at Rue, just after I'd changed from 1776 attire back to my usual clothes, and watched her sit, knees up to her chin, on the couch. Just yawning, shaking as soon as something unexpected happened and then stiffen up.
The bagel I'd gotten her for lunch was almost untouched, as it seemed she'd taken one or two bites. The paper around it had been precisely unwrapped and now folded back together, in the next-to-exact way that it had been before.
She looked so small, as she sat in the corner of the sofa, suddenly twitching and tapping.
Could I blame her? No. I'd forced her outside with no time to prepare. If there was anyone's fault, it was mine.
And I couldn't do anything about the consequences.

Her energy was gone, even though Rue'd slept through the show - didn't even wake up during intermission. Despite her tired eyes, she was now going through her backpack to organise it for the fourth time after I'd told her we were going home. And that was twenty three minutes ago, twenty three minutes that might not have happened if I hadn't pressured her outside.
My heart felt heavy, just the thought of Rue being here had been weighing me down through the show. I was proud that she'd managed, yet blaming myself.
I heard a pair of feet running through the corridor next to our dressing room.
"Lin, you doin' tonight's show too, right?", I heard Thayne's voice saying from the hall, as he stepped through the doorway, smiling.
"Actually, no-", I'd barely begun to speak, before he'd acknowledged Rue, who'd finally put her backpack aside and seemed to be replying to a text. But, as his sudden voice echoed between the walls, her body startled vigorously, leaving her frozen as she realised that Thayne was standing in the doorway.
I could see how she forced on a little smile, but that her hand already had begun to tap again. Only, this time much quicker.
"Rue!", he exclaimed excitedly, running towards her, arms open, just seconds after catching a glimpse of her.
I felt a stone fall on me, seeing the turn of events going by in seconds as I felt the panic kick in.
"Thayne, wait-", cutting him off, I stood up, in an empty action, unable to stop him before he hugged Rue out of pure kindness; unaware of her state.

She sat, paralysed, unable to return the gesture. Staring out into blank space, like a statue.

"I've missed you so much, kiddo!", he rambled on quickly, when suddenly Rue forcibly backed up against the window, going past the frozen state of panic. I put a hand on Thayne's shoulder - who'd already let go of her in confusion - and pushed him aside in the most gentle manner I could as all I wanted to do was reaching her.
The sense of relief as I carefully took her hand was indescribable.
I saw her shoulders go up and down from breathing too heavily, as she stared into the blue, blinking an odd yet even amount, unreachable; looking back and forth between seven secure points in the room. Her pupils dilated, trying to take in all of the world at once.
I felt my heart put on a bit of excess weight.
"Rue? Niñita?", I said, trying to contact her, catching her eye in the midst of the panic. "Nothing's going to happen. I'm right here, okay?", hoping that my words meant something.
Impulsively, I took her hand just as I realised that it was digging into the other one's wrist. Forcibly, I pulled it away from the other one as I was once reminded of how strong she could be; or, to put it correctly, unwillingly determined.

Her eyes were stuck on the doorway, as I heard people coming closer.
Quickly, I turned to Thayne, looking nonplussed behind me, and asked him to close the door. In less than a millisecond my attention was back to Rue, who'd turned to the seven steady points again.
"L-look at me", calmly, I dried one of her tears, looking out for a sign of sudden fall, as I finally got our eyes to meet, hers full of fright, afraid of mine. She suddenly stopped breathing.
And I realised something.
She wasn't seeing me anymore.
She was seeing him.
"It's me, Rue, it's Lin", I said, clarifying something so obvious, yet not at all. Not at this moment, as I could see her realise, processing and then slowly feel her hand stop pulling towards the other, as I said it over and over again.
"Just breathe. Breathe"

Slowly, her rhythm got back to normal, as her muscles began to relax.
My heart rate was up at 180, frightened about what might have happened if I hadn't been around.
Or what might've happened if I hadn't pressured her into coming with me.
I forced on a little smile, hoping that she would return it. Instead, she just put her hands to her face, rapidly wiping her last few tears, trying to hide the evidence of the past minutes.
Going mute.
I bit my lip, anxiously swallowing.
I shouldn't have brought her.
"I'm s-sorry", Rue painfully managed to say, just a second after getting out of her own mind. She was carefully glancing at Thayne, and soon after she uttered those words, Rue's eyes went down to look at her hands, as she was going back to the, new, constant silence.
"No, no, don't be. I'm so sorry, Rue, I-", he responded, sounding puzzled of what he'd just witnessed, as Rue just kept shaking her head, unapproving the things he was trying to say.
I stood up, turning to Thayne, my attention elsewhere as everytime she made a sound or a move, I was there, barely paying attention to what he was telling me.
"Lin, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have-", he began to apologise, but as soon as I heard the words coming out of his mouth, I interrupted him.
"Thayne. You didn't know. There's no way that you could've known", I assured him, a hopeless smile on my face, almost spitting out the words; giving myself a scolding for what I'd done.
He nodded, yet I could see how he was punching himself down for something he couldn't control, when it was I who was to be blamed for it.
"Lin?", Rue quietly asked, almost unnoticeable. Almost like she wished that I wouldn't notice.
"Yeah, mi Niñita?", I immediately answered, turning to her.
"Can we go home now?", hesitantly wondering, looking like she was forcing every muscle in her body to say those words, in a way that she didn't even believe them herself.
Rue wasn't happy, nor sad. Just wanting to get away. Rebelling against her mind. She was scared. I swallowed, trying to hide how scared I was for her, putting on a comforting smile.
"Yeah, yes, of course we can"

The subway-ride homewards was quieter than the one before; Rue didn't utter a word. Just looked down at her fidgeting hands, jumping every time there was a new sound.
At the same time, she was trying to make herself as small as she could, pressing herself towards the backrest. Keeping herself close to me, yet she was so distant.
It was almost like she'd used up her word count for the day, the text already written turning red as she tried to go over the limit, vigorously hitting the backspace by doing whatever routine that came to mind.
Eet, eet, eet.
I sat there, like a shield, trying to protect her from any sudden move or sound, quietly hoping for there to be no fan who'd see me and ask for a pictures.
My arm around her, as she carefully leaned her head against my shoulder - yet refusing to put weight on it.
"Rue? This is our stop", I said, petting her shoulder. She barely reacted, just stood up and followed me, holding my hand as tightly as Sebastian would.
I closed my eyes, begged for her to say something, even if it was just to check if we were hopping off on the right stop.
But, there was nothing.
Nothing.

From the station to the apartment, nothing.
And as soon as she stepped into the apartment, there was nothing. Tobi didn't even bark in her welcoming way, just followed Rue everywhere as she went and fell asleep on the couch.
I saw Tobi jump up, making herself comfortable right by Rue, keeping an eye on her for me as I went to the kitchen. Knowing that her sleep nowadays was neither peaceful nor relaxing, I hurried.

Just a moment later, I put a glass of water on the coffee table, just if she needed it, taking a lock hair that had fallen over face and put it behind her ear.
"I'm sorry, Niñita. I'm so sorry", I whispered, hoping for her not to hear me as I kissed her temple, just wanting her to feel a bit better, painfully aware that I couldn't do a thing than just be around.
And that's what I did.
I sat in the armchair, an earbud in my left ear, my right one free from music so I would hear if something was up; constantly on call. Ready to pick up the pieces for her, because she couldn't do that herself anymore. Even though she liked to think that.
Today, the pieces where my fault.
And there was hundreds of them.
The ones already glued together were, to be frank, broken again.
And it was my fault.

"Mom, thank you so much for picking up Sebastian, the Theater called and I just couldn't leave Rue alone and she didn't want you to come over and then Vanessa called saying that she had to stay and work overtime-", I rambled, holding my smallest child, who only wanted to run away and look for his sister.
My mom smiled, standing in the hallway, cutting my stressed words off.
"No problem, he's a delight to take care of. How is she?", she asked.
"It's bad today", I unwillingly said, knowing that it was me who had put her in this situation. "She's asleep now, though, after everything colliding", I took a deep breath, looking back at the bit of a day, at how I'd forced her outside when she wasn't ready, introducing her to the world she used to know - and now didn't. How I'd broken down during Dear Theodosia, unable to keep a single note. "Right now, I'm neither a good father nor employee-"
"Stop it right there, young man. You are a great father. A great employee. You can't do everything just right, all the time. Si?", my Mom said, holding a little speech - which was very unlike her, it being what my Dad usually provided - as she waited for my answer.
"Si", I replied, completing her statement, to her satisfaction.
"Good. Well, I need to head back", she said, hugging me and Sebastian tightly, fluffing his hair which resulted in a laugh, as she neatly fixed it again.
"Sebastian, say goodbye to Abuela now", I put on my instructive dad-voice smiling at him as he was trying to get away.
"Byeee Abuela", waving his little hand, and I did too.
"Bye!", she told us, closing the door behind her.

"Okay, Sebastian, you have to promise me not to wake up Hermana when I put you down, she's not feeling too well-"
"Why? Is Wue sick again?", he asked, wondering like any child would do, big eyes, trying understand his surroundings.
The R's had been a struggle recently.
The little 'again' almost broke me, as I tried to form a couple of words in order to answer.
"Yeah. So you have to be extra careful around her, okay?"
He gave me a distinct nod, his hair already a mess.
"Okay", my son confirmed, determined, as I slowly put him down.
He quietly wobble-walked over to her on the sofa, petting her arm, as that was the last place she'd gotten sick. He turned back at me, looking for my approval, as I nodded.
"Sebastian, do you want to play trains?", I asked him, squatting down to his level.
"Yeah!", he exclaimed, heading straight to the basket where we had all of the railroad pieces, even though there were already some scattered all over the floor since this morning. Those, of which I'd stepped on thrice since coming back from the theater - it being something that Rue hadn't managed to fix today. He was already headed for the half finished course, holding one piece in each hand, as he connected it so that it would make a turn underneath the sofa with my help.

Soon, the day grew older, and so did the railroad as we connected the start with the end, going full circle, through sofas, on rugs and a bridge over the the river of remote control.
"Time to go to bed, homeboy!", I announced, picking up my unwilling, yet had been yawning since he came home, son.
"I want to test it!", he protested, sounding absolutely devastated.
"You know what? We can try it tomorrow and show it to Rue and Mommy", I said, quietly hoping that he wouldn't start to protest. I wasn't sure if I could handle anything else today, but I might have to.
Sebastian thought about it for a proper while, but seemed to come to a conclusion, looking at Rue, where Tobillo had been lying since we came back, protecting her, and nodded.
"Okay"

After I'd managed to get Sebastian to go to sleep, as I simultaneously checked on Rue every five minutes, I was back in the living room.
She hadn't moved for two hours, finally at peace.
At a ruemarkable peace.
My heart ached, unable to bring myself to wake her up so she'd get something to eat. Even though she hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.
Carefully, I picked her up, as Tobi gave me an annoyed look, a little protective bark coming out of her as I took Rue in my arms. Per usual, I was surprised how little she was, as I carried her to her room, Tobillo following us like little tail, imitating our every step. I put her to bed, duvet over her, almost like I did with Sebastian. The little dog jumped up, made herself comfortable, and snuggled up against Rue's body.

The progress Rue had made until two weeks ago, were all blurred and forgotten. She was set back thousand of miles, all that she'd worked for, gone. It was in no way fixable in a snap, even though she liked to think that.
Today she tried.
I forced.
I left her no choice, pressuring her to do something she actually couldn't.
I was proud, scared, full of love and unable to fix this for her.
"I'm sorry", I whispered, apologising yet again, squishing her hand, kissing her temple. "G'night, Niñita"

The apartment was so quiet. Both kids asleep. I hadn't been home for an evening in so long, doing a show every night in order to skip matinees.

I took out my laptop, opening gmail, beginning what I should've done weeks ago, something that would've prevented one of the things today; starting out happy, slowly crumbling down into monotone pieces of serious information that just couldn't be happily written, nor described.

Hello hello hello everyone!
Lin here. First of all, I'd like to apologise for my absence in the last couple of weeks and, second of all, how fortunate I am to work with all of you, handling the change like champs, especially with the Tonys coming up.

As some of you know, my daughter Rue was hospitalised about two-three weeks ago. We're trying to get back to normality, but it has and is going to take time.

I'll try and be as straight-forward I can, as I'm not allowed to share more than what the case's statement says, so therefore I am basically copy & pasting.

For the last couple of months, Rue has encountered a journalist several times. This journalist has pressured and attacked her throughout the year, and two weeks ago he threatened her to come with him. He held her captive for over 24 hours before the police could locate her and get her out. What happened in those 24 hours is unknown, but Rue came out hurt, both physically and mentally.

What I'm trying to say, is that Rue's mental health has worsened a lot. She has been diagnosed with PTSD in addition to her OCD. She needs constant supervision, which is why I don't do matinees at the moment. Due to a turn of events, I had to bring her with me to the Theater today. If that happens again, which it hopefully won't, please keep this in mind. Right now Rue doesn't know what's best for her. She wants to do everything like it used to be, and right now that's just not possible, as just a little bit of something can - and probably will - be too much. Today was a bundle of little bits too soon, due to my fault of not telling you about Rue.

Thank you for letting me put family first, not only in the last couple of weeks, but this past year. See you at tomorrow night's show.

Lin

And I clicked send.

—————
Heya!
Literally have had this chapter almost done for three weeks, unable to finish Lin's email - just had to figure out what he had to say. And hopefully it was good enough?👀💓

Let's talk this chapter then. Did it a bit different this time, writing it completely from Lin's POV. How'd you like it?😌
Just thought that I had to show Rue from his point of view, plus it was really nice to change it up, actually.

And school started just about three weeks ago, and it started with a bang. Three media-related assignments in one day back, which was a bit daunting - but it's turning out quite well if I do say so myself💐

I had the craziest last weekend. Got offered a job. And I wasn't looking for one, as I already have one. Like, what? Is that even a thing? But, I said yes. Now I just have to figure out what to do. So, nice surprise, very excited bUT being me, also very anxious and worried💁‍♀️🤷‍♀️

On top of that, I've gotten sick. Just a cold, yet when I get a cold I get really sick. So yay. Had time to look over this chapter tho, didn't I?😌🤧
Hopefully going back to school tomorrow though; literally hate missing school. There's this old book series by swedish author Astrid Lindgren, about a girl named Madicken. It's also been filmed and as someone who grew up with Lindgren's films and books, I relate to Madicken on a whole other level when I'm sick bc there's this scene where she's got a concussion and isn't allowed to go on the school trip and just looks at the clock saying "the train's leaving now" and cries.😅

^^ the only picture I found, somehow?? "Nu åker tåget" "means the train's leaving now"🙈

Anywho, to follow that, question of the day;
Which TV shows, films or books did you grow up with and you think shaped you?🍃
Me? Anything to do with Astrid Lindgren. My family never had Disney Chanel or something like that, so I'm raised on the classics, like the works of Astrid Lindgren. Pippi Longstocking, Madicken, Emil in Lönneberga, Lotta on Troublemaker Street, Karlsson on the Roof, Ronja the Robber's daughter, the six Bullerby children, Mio, my Son and The Brothers Lionheart. I know them by heart. And they shaped me and who I am today. So yeah, I've got a lot of things to thank Astrid Lindgren for.

Well, maybe I should wrap this A/N up then?🌻
Thanks for reading, for always being so supportive, and if you liked this lil chapter - leave a like, or a comment, it makes my day☺️

Have a nice day/night,
Sincerely,
H

Published: 10th of September, 2019