"Cars, we're sticking to Skype-", I said to his face on a screen, walking around somewhere in New York, as I was feeling absolutely drained of energy. I'd gotten quite used to being at home all day long. Every little thing I did was exhausting, and yet I didn't do lots.

I would be organising; then reorganising. I would check on anything that popped up in my head. I would tap. And then tap again.

And beside all of that, I had school. All of my work that I had to do was sent to me with email, and my new mentor, mr Sawyer, would call me every day to help me with all of the home work I had. Apparently there are teachers who want to help kids to a better future, like mr Sawyer.

But, most of all, I was home alone. I felt believed in again.

"...I'm outside yours, Rue. I desire human contact", Carson said, cutting me off.
I grinned a little, hoping that at least he'll notice a bit of appreciation. Deep inside, I really desired human contact too.
"Okay, um, I'll open up", I said, feeling as I didn't really have a choice in this - walking towards the hallway, opening up the door.
"Hello!", the brightly smiling Carson exclaimed, hanging up on Skype. "I just couldn't stand seeing you through the Skype all the time", hugging me.
"Hi Cars", I giggled a little. "You honestly caught me off guard there", tapping my thigh.
Suddenly Tobi came walking from my room - she must've woken up when I left her side.
"Tobi!", Carson excitedly yelled, as Tobi got totally over the moon from seeing him again - belly rub after belly rub.
When he stood up again, he gave me a serious look.
"I brought Monopoly", he announced.
"Oh, it's about to get serious"

"Gimme my money", Carson said, extremely happy about the fact that I'd managed to step on his most expensive hotel.
"Here ya go", I laughed, calmly collecting all of my money - the last in my pocket.
"Aaand I'm the winner!", he exclaimed, starting some kind of winning dance.
When he finished, he fell down, face-front, on the couch - right next to me and my tired self.
"I'm just as bad as a winner as I am a bad loser", he stated, petting Tobi.
"I know, Cars", giggling.
He looked under the tv table, where all the movies were stacked. I followed his lead, eyeing the wide range of films.
"Ah my god, let's watch Mamma Mia!", I exclaimed, quickly grabbing the film and standing up - a bit too quickly, making the world wobble.
"Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey or?", Carson asked, looking at me - upside down, on his back, legs over the back of the couch.
I rolled my eyes, putting in the DVD as I quickly pressed play.
"I have a dream, a song to sing...", I began, matching my voice with Sophie's.
"To help me coOOOPE with anything", Carson blasted through in falsetto, voice crack after voice crack.

Suddenly Vanessa was looking at our crazy dancing, singing and laughing in the living room. Currently we were doing a freestyle routine to Dancing Queen, in exact motion, while almost scream singing to the classic 70's tune.
"What is even going on here?", she exclaimed, with the most confused look on her face. "Mamma Mia, obviously", she mumbled, looking at the screen to us - as we now where replicating the the dance on the pier. "Do we even own this movie, Rue?", and we were back to confused.
"Apparently, and I can't believe I've never seen it in the movie shelf before!", I shouted back to her, just as loud so she could hear.
She looked at me, laughing as she spoke to Tobi, who seemed completely clueless.
"Yeah, whatcha sister doin', huh?"
Confused and clueless as the tiny dog was, she tilted her head and wagged her tail.

About an hour later Sebastian came strolling into the living room as the outro music began to play. He'd been on a play date with a girl, Miriam, from kindergarten.
Me and Carson turned our heads back, looking at Vanessa who looked at us with a little bright smile.
"Did we embarrass you, Seb?", but honestly, the question was actually for Vanessa. The one year old crossed his arm in a protest towards me, giggling.
"You're embarrassing, Hermana!", he exclaimed at me. Though, both me and Vanessa were positive that he did not know what embarrassing was. A word, he was yet to make acquaintance with. At the moment, he was repeating what every one was saying - making it into actually understandable sentences.
"You singing, dancing and being absolute weirdos - I must say that seeing Miriam's dad's face was hilarious", she said, not even exaggerating a bit.
Carson and I cracked a laugh, pausing the film as we started to put the Monopoly back in the box.
"Oh, and Carson, do you want to stay for dinner?", Vanessa asked as she made her way over to her and Lin's bedroom. "It's probably gon' be takeout, what do we say about Chinese?"
"I'm sold, either way", Carson replied, brightly smiling. "Just need to cancel a posh dinner regarding My Future with Dad", he gave us a short laugh, as he shook the topic off his shoulders.
It did not go well, as Vanessa looked as confused as something extraordinary out of this ordinary world.
"I want to drop out, he wants me at snob school and then at Harvard", Cars explained, making it a bit clearer. "And, finally I actually have a reason to cancel one of those stiff meetings"
It was quiet for a moment, as I let my guardian process the information.
"Well, we're absolutely delighted to be your excuse"
I think she'd come to a close, that Carson's Dad was a hypocrite.

Carson stood on the fire escape, vigorously speaking to his Dad.
"I never get used to Carson's openness", Vanessa told me, laughing, as I organised the film into its right place in the stacks.
"Yep. Me neither. I get new info every time we're talking", I replied, putting Mamma Mia between Madagascar and Mean Girls. "By the way, how was work today?", I asked, remarking the tired look on her face.
"Good. Finished a case, started a new one - per usual. Why?"
"You look tired", I shrugged my shoulders, picking up Tobi in my arms - where she sat rather comfortably and in such a majestic way I couldn't help but giggle at her. Then, a sudden bad thought entered my mind.
Maybe it's your fault that she's exhausted? Maybe you're the source? Tap until it's just enough.
"Is it my fault?", I asked, my breath rather shaky as I tapped my thigh. All the thoughts and the stereotypes of what I imagined would be.
"Rue. No. You don't even make a sound - quiet as a mouse...", she said, reassuring me of something I wasn't sure of. "But, seriously though, niñita, you look knackered?"
I quickly found a way to steer away from the topic of me. I didn't like the way that every conversation always end up being about me.
"Nah, just couldn't sleep", I kissed Tobi's nose, as I put her down next to Sebastian and his trains.
"Also, Lin told me to say to you that you should call him?", Vanessa told me, making it sound like one big old word.
"That's the most complicated way to say something ever", I pointed out, as I picked up my phone from my back pocket, dialling Lin on FaceTime.
"Hello hello hello, niñita!", Lin emerged in his Alexander shirt, all his hair out and about.
"Hi, hi, hi", I said, as I collected my math homework from my room, flicking the lights 23 times. He didn't seem to mind.
"It's currently intermission, oh and apropos, I'm officially inviting you to go to the White House with the cast in a week's time", saying it like he was casually sliding into my DMs, sounding so nonchalant.
"Huh?", I confusedly looked at him through the screen, as I carried my school work out of the drawer, where I'd hidden it from myself. Burying it, honestly.
"Well, I cannot not let you meet the President", he blabbered on.
I didn't quite catch up with him.
"Okay?", I questionably conformed. Lin beamed at me.
"She said okay, Jon!", Lin shouted to Jonathan out in the corridor next to him.
"Told ya so!", I heard being called back, a bit muffled.
"Okay, niñita, he does not know the whole story, because there's a catch. At least for you", Lin said as he lowered his voice to a calming volume. "They don't know about your OCD, amirite?"
Oh, that's what this is about.
I nodded in a distracted way.
"And, at some point you have to tell them, amirite?"
It sounded more and more like a tweet coming from him, but I knew he was freestyling.
On the spot.
"It's your move, Rue. Just, it'll be easier for you", he kept going.
I feared this. I tapped this.
I didn't want to do it just because I wanted to go to the White House.
I blinked, and blinked, and blinked.
"Sure", I shrugged my shoulders, trying to sound as neutral as possible.
He looked at me like it was too good to be true.
"Rue?"
"Please, I said sure. I can't think, so personally I recall that I can't make decisions", I shrugged my shoulders again, dropping my notebooks on my carpet.
"Rue, stop..."
I could see Cars coming back from the fire escape, making it my escape.
"Oh, um, Carson's back, gotta go!", I remarked, speaking quickly.
"Wait-"
And I hung up.
I felt bad. I'm not like this.
Not like this at all.
Tap. Tap & count & blink & twitch & scratch.
Carson looked at me, from head to toe, as I sat cross legged on the floor with my math homework all spread out.
I was holding all of my thoughts back, as he sat down next to me.
"I wanna marry the math!", he suddenly sang, all Gaga-like.
"I wanna murder the math", I muttered, as I began to literally murder my wrist with little, teeny tiny, scratches.
When Carson spoke, everything sounded so clear. I focused away from the vibrating phone in my back pocket as Lin kept calling me, yet I refused to answer. To be honest, I'd literally done the math already. I needed to tell more people.

I looked up at the ceiling, the light-in-the-dark stars I'd put up after an impulse-purchase a few weeks ago, when I was out in the blue. Thinking about everything. I had already gone up to organise my clothes two times in the past two hours. I couldn't sleep. Again.
I thought, I thought and I thought.
My door suddenly opened, the light stretching from A to Z.
I looked up, towards the light source where Lin stood, leaning against the wall.
"Rue, don't you hang up on me like that again", he said, with a somewhat worried look on his face, a little smile. He'd called Vanessa before, just to check with her if I was okay.
I turned around and stared at the wall, not wanting to face him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it such a mess for you and V, and all and everybody", just rambling as I stumbled over all the words I could find.
Three days with all of the cast; everyone judging me.
Lin sighed. I felt useless.
Cause what if everyone saw?
How could this all get so messy, so quickly?
What if everyone knew?
I began to rub my fingernails across my neck, a nervous tick I'd developed just a few days ago.
It looked like I was just scratching something itchy, when really, I was hurting.
Would they like what they saw?
He began to say something, yet I cut him off.
"OCD. Organising, chaotic & depressed. That's what they'll think of me", I said, every sort of scenario popping up in my head.
Or would they hate it too?
"They won't label you, Ruby. You don't have to tell them, 'Kay?", he replied, being distant but just; there. I knew he thought he was too pushy, Vanessa thought she was too pushy, what if everyone suddenly thought they were too pushy when pushing me outside my comfort zone.
I can't keep running away from what's true.
"Yes; I do have to. I'm past that part"

I couldn't sleep. At all. The thoughts biting me in the back of my head.

Lin didn't leave me until he thought I was asleep, when he thought I was calm.
A bit calmer than before; after lots of talking.

Yet, I was so tired. Awfully tired.

I counted the stars in the ceiling, hoping for it to be a substitute for counting sheep.

At four a.m I got out of bed, going to the bathroom to get my meds. Just so I wouldn't be anxious - just so I could sleep. Just so I wouldn't be in their way. One or two, I just wanted to have a good night's sleep.
I popped them out of the package, precisely lying them out on the basin counter.
I filled a glass of water, taking them easily - without hesitation.

"Rue?", a voice, belonging to Vanessa, broke the silence of my surroundings, as I closed the door behind me after switching the light on and off 23 times. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just had to pee", bluntly lying in her face.
"Well, G'night then", she grinned, moving towards Sebastian's room with a glass of Agua. I smiled back, even though it was barely visible in the dark room.
"Goodnight"
I hope.

———
Hi 👋
Firstly, I'm sorry - I'm an absolute useless writer. Trying to write during National Tests times, is an impossible quest. I've been stressed while trying to perform as good as possible🤯
So I've had Swedish, physics, social studies, German and English. It's awfully exhausting😶
Had a breakdown last weekend. Felt shit about every bit, as I try to be perfect both in and outside of school.
Hopefully it'll be okay in the end🤷‍♀️

Secondly, Rue isn't at her best. She's going forward, yet backwards.
What did you think of Lin, and what he said? Do you think he's being pushy?👀

Also - Carson. Carson's just lovely, isn't he? Let's all hate on his dad, though.

I turned 16 by the way! It was exciting, went to see Lady Bird with my fam, and just had a nice lil day🎉
(And yes, I looooove Mamma Mia, so therefore Rue loves Mamma Mia)

I love writing this. I hope you can see that💓

Have the best of days,
C

Published: 29th of April, 2018.