That next day, I was up at 5. With barely a minute of sleep, I sat up. Sweat running down my forehead as I tried to catch my breath, feeling as if something was stuck in my throat - making me unable to breath.
My panic grew instantly, not only by the traumatising pictures that had haunted me through the night, but also because I couldn't stop fidgeting.
All I could hear was my heart beat increasing, and me gasping for air.
One gasp, one tenth of air. One gasp, and a flashback swooshed past my mind.

The many times Ansel pressed me against the wall, leaving bruises on my back and arms because of his tight grip and nails digging into my skin, as I would tap through it all and repress reality away from me.
I could feel his fists hitting me, all over again.

I gasped, making me sound like I was screaming under water. Like water was stuck in my throat, making me feel stuck as everything went by in slow motion in front of me.
I couldn't breath.
Tap, you idiot. Tap and you won't die.
The seconds passed even slower than before.

When I didn't finish in time, mr Lovell threw me on to the glass cupboard, the smashed glass cutting threw my arm which scattered it.

By now, I pressed myself against the wall; somehow getting comfort from it.

I think I was screaming. I really didn't want to. It was like I was stuck in a nightmare, stuck where I was and I couldn't get out. Like an impossible escape room in my mind.

My head pointed downwards, as my right hand was placed right on the middle of my chest as I would tap at the speed of my pulse.
I glanced from the lamp, to the ceiling, to the wardrobe, to the door, to the palm of my left hand that my fingers kept tapping and back.
Lamp, ceiling, wardrobe, door & palm.
I quickly renamed the spots to look in my head to keep myself counting and focused.
1, 2, 3, 4 & 5.
Five. It must be seven. Or 4. I can't take any of them away.
I added the rug. And the picture of myself, Vanessa & Lin, smiling our hearts out on New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve, the year before, Warren holding me down in the early hours of the 24 hours that were meant to celebrate the year that was passed. Instead, I was alone; jumpy from the fireworks, until they came. Pulling my hair, punishing me, as I felt Ansel's eyes staring at me, feeling them burn on the back of my head. I felt so small, the house felt so big. And I counted my way through it.

Just like now. The house felt so big and I felt so small.
Like my horrifying gasps and tries for breath, I was stuck in a routine.
As I looked at the wardrobe, someone cut my line, making me start over.
Just like lightning, the lights flicked, and I could see everything so clear.

Suddenly Vanessa faced me.
"Shhhh", she said, hectic as she seemed to panic at the sight of me. "Rue. Rue. Look at me. Look. Focus...", and she went quiet for a brief second. "Count with me. Start over whenever you want to, just count with me"
Trying to get as much oxygen as I could before
"O-okay", my voice, sounding like a whisper from someone who hadn't spoken in years, cracked.
She grabbed my arms, flipping the wrists upwards to do a quick check.
"One", Vanessa looked up, looking a bit revealed, as she waited for me to answer.
"One", I breathed.
"Two", she nodded towards me, as my head was pointed towards her, but my eyes going from side to side, from point 1 to 7.
"Rue. Two"
I let my eyes go from non-stop to still.
"Two", I echoed.

I became an echo for quite the while.
I don't know how many times I forced myself to start, and how Vanessa actually was determined to stick around.
She hugged me, so delicately, so tight just to make sure I was doing alright and that I was there - breathing, and aware of reality - not the thoughts in my mind. I kept weeping, crying in a subtle and panicky way - calmer than before.
"Y-you... you've got to up my dose. T-this, this ain't normal, I... I can't do this anymore", I mumbled, barely getting the words out there. "I'm just in your w-way..."
Thousands and thousands of thoughts and solutions from different perspectives was floating and popping around in my head, as all I wanted to do was tap.
"I can't do this", I put words into the only thing I wanted during this moment.
"Rue, come back to sleep now", Vanessa calmly told me. She squeezed me tight, holding me for a few more minutes until my crying had gone a bit more silent.

I tentatively nodded, after trying to come up with an answer. The sweat on my back hadn't dried, so my oversized t-shirt would stick to my skin.
I let my head fall on the pillow with the mint green slip, just as the other parts of the bedding.
I hadn't realised how tired I was up until this moment.
"Wh-Why are you up so early?", I wondered, remembering that it was past 5 in the morning.
She smiled.
"I have a case outside the city today, so I've got a train to catch", she replied, standing up.
I remembered, so therefore I decided to nod, almost unnoticeably.
"Promise me to take it easy today, Niñita"
I glanced away, staring into the wall.
I couldn't promise. The thoughts were down at the moment, just like when an app crashed - when you overwhelm the app with different commands, how it gets overheated and shuts itself.
Like me right now, I was completely shut down. And I didn't know when the commands might come back.
"Promise me, Rue", she said, a bit more strict.
I nodded. Just so much so Vanessa could notice. I didn't want her to worry.
She kissed my forehead.
"G'night, Niñita"

Lin's POV
I locked the door behind me, eyeing the weirdly quiet apartment. Could Rue still be asleep?
I walked over to the kitchen, where I'd placed a bright yellow sticky note on the table. The sticky notes meant for Rue, just so she'd feel comfortable and wouldn't worry.

Niñita!
I'm off with Sebastian on the school run.
(Dropping him off at kindergarten)
Stay here. I'll be back in half an hour or so. Don't you worry, child.
Lin-o & Seb-o

It hadn't moved a bit, and Rue's usual "okay" confirmation wasn't written on it - so no, she couldn't be up.
Yet, I couldn't be too sure with her - so I made my way over to her room, pushing the door open in a careful way.
It creaked, per usual.
Although - she did seem to be asleep.
I grinned, making a virtual sticky note in my head to wake her up in half an hour.

Right as I sat down with my computer and plugged in my headphones, my phone would start to ring with a big V lighting up the screen, and her smiling so bright on the picture behind.
To stop her from hearing the far too embarrassing drunken voicemail, I picked up - mostly because I hadn't talked to her since five in the morning that day.
"'Ello", I said, loud and clear.
"Hey", she replied, as the wind seemed to make the sound crack.
"You in a rush?", I asked as I opened a new tab, full of documents concerning Moana lyrics.
"Nah, it's just pouring down", Vanessa was talking in such a quick way, like she was trying to get over with the small talk.
"Skip the small talk, what is it?"
She didn't giggle at my assumption like she usually did, because being married to your best friend meant that you could always figure out what the other one actually meant or wanted.
The weird sound of wind swooshing past in the background stopped. She must've walked inside to avoid the rain.
"Rue. It's bad today", Vanessa uttered.
I could instantly feel the cold hitting me, how I always seemed to feel when getting news about something that wasn't good.
I started running my hands through my hair, trying to come to a conclusion - which only was yesterday. Yesterday and how I had pressured her to tell me.
"Shit. How bad?", I managed to say.
"Worse than before. She was, I don't know, screaming raucously, like she didn't want to actually scream... and completely unable to switch off the routines. Like she was stuck", Vanessa started to explain. "It looked like she hadn't slept a second. So; do not wake her up", she continued, worried and caring, per usual.
"Yeah. How are you then?", I asked, because everyone needs to be asked that.
"Stressed. I've got so much work to do. And this client, man, he's so rude-", I could almost see her rolling her eyes. "I just wanna finish Rue's case. I don't want her to be this scared. It's heartbreaking to see. I'm constantly worried about her. This morning, she just kept asking for us to up her dose-"
That's when my heart broke.
As I would run the hands through my somewhat tangled morning hair, the stone in my stomach grew bigger, weighing me down.
"She feels that she's in our way, Lin. That she's the problem"
Vanessa sounded devastated.
So did I.
"I... V, I just, it's my fault. I pressured her to tell me, why the h*ll did I do that-", I rambled. "I just want her to not be scared, for once. And all I do is make it worse-", but Vanessa quickly cut me off.
"And I feel that way too. We both know what they did to her, but-", and we finish each other's sentences.
"But we don't have any proof...", I said, looking down on my lap, where Tobi had placed her head, looking up at me with those puppy eyes.
That's when I decided to glance towards the direction of Rue's room, as the paranoid feeling hit me.
And there she was, standing in the doorway, looking down on her feet.
"Oh, Niñita. Hey there", I said, quickly switching my somewhat distressed face, to a warm smile. I was happy to at least see her up and going.
"Bye, V. Love ya", I whispered, and pressing hang up just the millisecond after I heard the whispering response back.
"Lava ya too, Lin", impersonating the most recent song that Sebastian had been obsessed with, Someone to Lava, and with that the line was gone, and I placed my phone on the table.
Rue looked at me with a broken smile, like she didn't want to show what really was going on. Though, the sleep deprivation shone through, as her eyes still seemed red and had bags under them.
"Rue...", I could already see her fingers tapping the wall behind her.
"I know. I'll do better next time, I-I promise...", sitting down in the corner of the sofa, furthest away from me.
All I could think of was what she'd told me yesterday.
About
I sighed.
"I don't want you to do better, Niñita. I want you to get better"
Rue looked down at her lap, as she would tap. She didn't utter a word.
She felt, to me; somehow detached.
As a parent - what are you supposed to do in those moments?
"...how are you? For real, Rue. No shiny lies. Pour your heart out"
Everyone needs a how are you? at times. Especially Rue.
She seemed to be debating whether to answer or not - which I was used to by now. All there was is patience.
I'm willing to wait for it.

After quite the while, Rue took a deep breath, staring away from me - avoiding eye contact in every way possible.
"Y'know, when you think about something, and it starts this circle of thoughts without ending? And it all just builds up 'til it pops, and you're left, feeling like you're about to pass out...", she said, carefully choosing each word to fit the topic. "Like when you find yourself being really, really, nervous about something and when it's over - you're basically emotionally drained, because all of your energy went into worrying about everything"
My plastered smile faded. I'd started it this time.
I stood up to only squat down in front of her, looking directly at her; just wishing for her to lay her eyes on mine. My daughter.
"But the worst thing is - it's all in my head"
She glanced at me. This far too small, fourteen year old, girl who'd passed out in the crowd that day. Who knows what would've happened to her if we hadn't spotted her.
"-And you know what? We're all in our head's at times. You're just a little more than others. And that's all right - because we love you either way, Niñita"
Rue looked down again, yet I could see her smiling weakly - almost so I couldn't see it.
I took her hand, squeezed it tightly and said;
"V & I aren't going anywhere"

Vanessa was making tea, just a few minutes before the clock stroke twelve, as she'd just got back with the train.
"Big decision. John Lemmon or Guava Cadabra or Midsummer night's dream?", Vanessa asked me, completely serious about the topic.
"Tea names are bomb. Guava Cadabra. Definitely", I said, chuckling, as I would sip a little of my coffee - a great idea at midnight.
"You're gonna regret that coffee, Lin", she said, sitting down, right next to me, with the big tea cup in her hand, as the tea bag soaked in it.
"Yep", a new voice agreed, the voice that sounded perfectly like Rue.
I shook my head in a stubborn way, looking towards Rue, who quietly had turned up in the kitchen.
She looked down at her hands - fiddling, and sooner or later, she put her phone with the screen lit up, in front us.
"Evidence"

———
Merry Christmas 🎄
(to all who celebrates it💓)
Even though I did yesterday, because that's what we do here in 🇸🇪
Hopefully you've had a great day, surrounded by family and friends - at least that you've smiled a little☺️

And - I'm so sorry. I just haven't had time to write because of school. It's been far too stressful - but here you go, my Christmas present to you; a chapter with 2500 words!💓
I couldn't help but leave y'all hanging at the end🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh well, it is what it is. At least I'm happy with my grades, and this term I've had quite a nice time, a lot of smiling - feeling more happy with my social life to be honest🌻

Rue. My character - the character I'm so proud of. A year ago, more than a year ago, I started this fanfic - hoping for someone to at least give it a go.
You decided to follow Rue through her battle.
And you did it. All of you. You gave my writing a chance.
Thank you💐

Question of lé day;
What's your favourite holiday?👀
Me? Christmas bc family and Midsummer💓

Have the best of times,
Sincerely,
C

Published: 25th of December, 2017