[This chapter contains triggering scenes. They aren't deeply written, but they do touch the subject. Please don't read if you're easily triggered]
[And yes. I am back]

The time that passed there on the dirty bathroom floor felt like hours - all because of the war going on inside of my head, punching me with doubts about the bacteria that might have gotten on me by now, about what might've happen and how much of an obstacle in life I must be.
Via kept on talking with me, without response.
After a few minutes she somewhat convinced the almost blacked out me to go outside.
I just followed her through the corridor, knowing how empty they were.
It took a while.
I refused to make any faux pases, because of the constant fear in the back in my head.

As soon as I stepped outside the cold weather hit me like a new thought hit me every millisecond.
I looked down, seeing the grey ground were teeny tiny bits of new green grass sticking up from between the road stones. My shaking knees convinced me that I'd kept on shaking through every change, even if I didn't recall that myself.
I slid down the brick wall, looking out over the yard as it silently began to rain, as I'd unnoticeable begun to shut down.
I could barely hear Via anymore.
Completely apart from the real world, I was unplugged once again.

A few minutes past - 4 to be precise, because all I could do was count.
I counted the times I blinked, how many breaths I took in a minute, counting the math problems I couldn't seem to solve before and know were so clear, and I counted the amount of taps that hit the ground in the perfect rhythm.
It's your fault. Punish yourself. Your fault.
As Lin suddenly was squatted down in front of me, the tapping got significantly faster because of a worry of him dying as I could see the tip of his favourite shoes - since the only way I glanced was the ground.
There was too much going on.
Tap tap tap tap.
At this point, I was lost inside my maze of thoughts. The feeling of something that I'd done wrong kept creeping up in the back of my head.
Vanessa might die if you don't tap. Seb too. And Lin. Tap. Scratch.
I knew I was crying.
I knew that I was tapping with my left hand - and scratching my left wrist with my right hand.
I knew that Via was right next to me.
And I knew that Lin was here.
I looked up at him.
His eyes narrowing into mine, just as worried as ever.
He seemed to be speaking, but I couldn't quite catch it. I couldn't catch anything swooshing past or around me.
"Help", I said with a scratchy, shaky, voice. "I c-can't stop it"
Scratch your wrist.
Make it bleed again.
You've let him down.
His mouth moved, forming words that I, once again wasn't able to hear. He turned to Via, telling her something. She started to walk away, head down, and sometimes she would look back at me. The closer she got to the school, the faster she walked. Like she wanted to get away from me. Because now she knew how much of a f*ck up I really was.

Lin turned to me again, saying something. By now, he realised that I didn't listen. That I couldn't listen.
I began to worry that I might've gone deaf - for real. And that my hearing aid suddenly stopped working.
I felt nauseous. Everything was echoing back at me, shaking.
Was I about to die? It felt like I was dying.
Hurt yourself then.
I looked down at my hand forcing itself to scratch the other wrist, shaking my head as I whispored that small, yet so effective word.
"No, no, no, no, no, no..."
I think Lin got the hint, because he grabbed my arm - and didn't let me go. Even though I tried to get away.
You need to scratch. Just make it bleed.
The sound was back.
"Rue? Let's get you to the car. Let's go home", he softly said. He snappad me out of it.
I nodded. Feeling my tears rolling down my cheeks.
Just like that I snapped back into my state of nothingness.
How could a control freak like me suddenly lose control?
Because as a matter of fact, I snapped into pure darkness as I lost sense of reality.

My eyes flickered open, and I seemed to lie against a soft surface.
My heart rate wasn't going at 120 anymore.
I could see the car radio connected to an iPhone, and the windscreen wipers going from left to right in a perfect rhythm, to keep the glass see-through because of raindrops hitting it every millisecond.
The car I knew by heart didn't seem to be moving.

After a few seconds I awoke fully, and I began to look from side to side as the thought of what had just happened got to my mind.
My breathing quickly got heavy.
"Shhh. Rue. Chill out. Relax. There's nothing to be worried about. You're fine, I promise. You just passed it", Lin quickly assured me, with a look of relief on his face.
I looked at him. Feeling sorry.
The car door was open, and he was squatting down next to me, outside and drenched by the rain which was pouring down. He looked at me with a concerned look, hugging me tightly.
"You alright?", he asked me.
He didn't have an umbrella, nor did he wear a coat - but Lin didn't seem to care, as the hug embraced me.
He was like a wet dog - a wet Tobillo after having a walk in the rain.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to actually breath as the oxygen still didn't seem to settle down in my lungs.
Either way, I nodded.
"Good", he let go of me, giving me a worried eyebrow lift, and closing the door as he ran around the car to sit down on the driver's side.
My head hurt from being at all the places today.
"Still good?", Lin asked for an update, about 4 seconds after the first one.
I shrugged my shoulders. Closing my eyes. Trying to breath again.
"The last time I passed out was the first time I met you. Déjà vu. Sorry", I apologised, like always.
"Shh. Niñita. Shhhhh", he reminded me.
He never pressured me into talking about it. It, the it that was me & my thoughts.
I looked down on my fidgeting hands, as Lin started driving.

The haunting thought that triggered it all still found home in the back of my head.
Something happened. You caused it. Blame yourself. Punish yourself. Blink 256 times. If you miss one - you're dead.
"Did something happen? With my last foster family? Did I do something?", I blurted out, whispering and my voice cracking.
Yeah you did.
Tap. Tap. Tap. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8...
It was like the penny fell down for Lin.
"Oh. Niñita. We - we're pressing charges against them. You know that we've been talking about it, right?"
My first instinct was to nod.
I knew the conversation, they'd told me about it a few months ago.
Back then - I was okay with it.
Yet, the news hit me like the bullet hit Hamilton.
I didn't die, obviously.
The panic hit. The thoughts, the reminders of the past.
More or less, I got surprised.
I started worrying again.
I knew that we've talked about it before.
It really was my fault. Everything would always be my fault.
I began to blink, tap and twitch in the matter of a moment.
All I ever do is run. Run from my problems by my routines.
"Oh. Okay. It really, properly, is my fault", I said - still trying to control my breathing as the pain in my abdomen got through.
Ansel's punches left bruises. This wasn't an exception.
I hadn't thought of it earlier. I squeaked of pain.
It's all your fault, Rue. You deserve the pain. He did things to you. Things you deserved.
"Rue?", Lin asked, out of the blue, as I squinted my eyes closed by any little movement, trying to ignore the pain. Which didn't go so well, because I kept groaning quietly as soon as I moved. He glanced at me, looking at the back of my neck as I stared out into the busy streets of New York.
"Just ignore it. I'm fine, promise", I stated silently, breathing heavily from a mixture of worries and pain.
I could feel him lifting his right eyebrow at me.
"Don't promise. Friends don't lie, Rue", he said, one eye on the road - one eye on me. Most eyes on me, to be honest.
I took a deep breath, trying to defend his actions as I just wanted Lin's eyes off of me.
"I just got punched in my stomach. Nothing more, nothin' less", I whispered, memories flashing in front of me.
I turn myself inside out when I'm vulnerable.
There's nothing else I dislike as much as when  people see me vulnerable.
"Who?", Lin wondered. There wasn't an option to not reply, but I didn't.
Lin saw me like that - a worry, vulnerable mess - a bit too often.
"But it's alright. I'm managing. I'm used to it", I said, trying to explain myself, even though the memories of punching and touch felt closer than ever.
"Who?", Lin asked, yet again.
I looked further out of the window.
"I-I'm managing", I repeated, completely lying to myself.
Just like that, and I was sobbing again.
He pulled over to the nearest parking spot.
"No. No, Niñita, obviously you're not. You're still shaking", he hugged me, and when he pulled away he stared into my frightened eyes. "Who?"
Lie.
I couldn't lie anymore.
"Ansel. From m-my last foster family"
Scratch.

A flash of memories swooshed through my mind. The batch of memories of Ansel's raspy voice, not listening to mine saying no, as my weak body would give up; becoming his marionette.

I began to rub my nails against my very soar skin on my wrist, twitching. He grabbed my hand again, to stop me from hurting myself.
It just feels so oddly good to hurt.
"You're not going back to school until he's out", Lin furiously, yet calmly, told me, with such hate in his eyes that I'd never seen before.

Another flash of memories. The few things that I'd pressed into the back of my mind by things that I did to forget, suddenly got back to me; all by the crazy events of this day.

My eyes were probably red from crying by now.
"No, no, it's okay, I'm fine...", I weeped.

Ansel's face laughing as he and his friends would kick me, laying on the floor during that last night at their house.

"Clearly - you're not", Lin smiled kindly at me, gently moving my hair out of my face.
"...please don't press charges", I blurted out.
He sighed.
"He won't be anywhere near you, Rueby", Lin assured me.
I shook my head, looking down on my lap where my fingers kept fidgeting.

My heart was beating out of my chest.
Ansel's body, crushing mine as I would cry through the night. Nor did I scream, nor did I fight him. His marionette.
The thoughts wasn't going to leave me.
Saying goodbye and leaving the house and place where it all happened didn't make them leave.
The memories of a previous foster home was never going to leave me either.
Ansel's voice, telling me to do things as he would hurt me.
"Ruthleigh. Don't you dare to tell anyone, if you do - you're as good as dead"
And he left me on the bed. And I repressed the incidents to the hidden part of my mind, letting the worries and routines take over my life to forget about it.

"Rue?", he tentatively asked, like he was trying to make contact with my unattached mind. He looked at me, with a gentle look on his face filled with worries.
I shook my head one more time, still feeling the  excruciating pain.
I knew that I was shaking.
Like tomorrow never would come, my breathing just shut down, making me gasp for air in the middle of sobbing.
Somehow, the feeling of faint hit me once again under this short span of time.
I knew that my calmness had turned into madness by the second that the thoughts got back.
"I-I'm sorry", I said, opening the door and walking out into the pelting rain, running into the mob of busy people walking on the sidewalk.
The raindrops mixing with my teardrops as I walked in a fast speed, always making sure I never stepped on a crack in the stone.
I needed the air.
I couldn't let Lin see me like this.
A full on breakdown.

Wiping the millions of tears away, as I would panic about missing a number of times I tapped each lamppost.
Lin's voice kept shouting for me, but I didn't stop.
Suddenly his hand took a grip around my shoulder, stopping me.
"Rue, please, stop. Talk to me"
He almost sounded devastated, looking at me with those kind, caring, eyes that I knew so well - the ones that I trusted with my life.
His and Vanessa's eyes was in that group. The group of people that I always trusted.
Flashbacks hitting me, making me shiver by the thought.
Tap. Tap and you won't die.
"H-he, he u-used me, alright!?", I exploded, shouting at one of the few people in my life that cared.
You're as good as dead, Ruthleigh.
I didn't have to explain it more. He didn't question it.
I didn't want to say rape. The word would make the incident, or incidents, so much more real.
If I cried a lot before - it wasn't like this. This was like a river, running down my cheeks.
Lin let me cry, leaning into him as I gave up. He held me, letting me weep silently while people kept walking past us, ignoring us completely.
In the middle of the rain on a grey February day, he understood.
My dad understood.

-----
Hellooo!💐
Okay; I definitely have some explaining to do.
I haven't updated for a month and a week. Oops.😅

And I have no other explanation but school. The pressure is high atm - and I put more pressure on myself every day👌
Basically - I know that I can get into any school I want. My merit points are 327,5. Maximum is 340. And I know I'll have more than 330 at the end of this term... it's just that I'm a Hermione Granger. A pure Hermione🗺
So yeah; I have the speaking part of the National Tests in about two weeks, so that's nerve wrecking ALSO I'M SEEING BOOK OF MORMON IN STOCKHOLM IN LESS THAN A WEEK I'M SO EXCITED🎉🎉

Oh well - it all made it quite hard to get into Rue's head again. So writing this took a while. + I'm currently on autumn holidays! So here ya go, 2700 words... 🍂🍁

Also; tons of references in this chap. A certain Stranger Things one will hopefully get noticed. I loooove Stranger Things. The new series was so good. Anybody else?🌻

One secret after another unfolds in this chapter, secrets that have haunted Rue for quite the while.
Did she do right? By telling Lin?👀
She's been through a lot.
How do you genuinely feel about it though? 🤷🏼‍♀️

So; Rue's gotten a few nicknames by now😂
No one barely calls her Ruth anymore...
So:
Question of lé day:
Which nickname/name is your favourite?📌
Ruth
Ruthleigh (yes; I'm hating on this one. mainly because of Ansel. can we all just hate Ansel in the comment field?)
Rue
Ruthie
Rueby
Ruemarkable
Niñita

(and feel free to add more in the comments, cuz I might've forgotten some💓)

Have the best of days. Feel free to vote and comment💞

Sincerely,
C

Published: 1st of November, 2017