The touristy day of Valentine's had left me with great memories, and a few bruises from falling down a couple of stairs in the evening when stopping to pet Gideon and forgetting there was a big staircase in stone in front of me.
Like you do, I fell.
I lost the grip of Odd's leash. He, being a curious puppy scared and anxious of the world, just like me, stayed by Gideon's side.
My bleeding legs wasn't something I'd liked seeing.
My brain had begun to freak.
What if the wounds'll get infected? And you'll get sick from some other bacteria? And make Carson sick? And Vanessa? And Lin? And Seb?
As my breathing got heavier, I only found one stressing solution for this.
I began to tap.
Frantically as ever.
I must've fallen on some glass, because this hurt a ton. My jeans had been cut through.
It'll get infected.
Blinking, like there was no tomorrow.
Not because it hurt, because I was afraid someone else would get hurt because of me.
Carson, being the soon-to-be-med-student he was, casually started to dig deep in my backpack that he knew contained every little thing that may be needed.
A first aid kit was one of them.
He just started to put me back together, with disinfectant and plasters.
While I was telling him to stop because I didn't want him to be bothered with the weak girl who was two years younger than him.

When he just ignored me, I began to apologise.
He kept plastering my bleeding, open, wounds back together like it was the easiest thing ever.
You're in the way. Tap. Tap til it feels just right.

Soon, he was to be done.
"You alright?", he gently asked.
I took a deep breath.
"Yeah-", I nodded. "Sorry"
"You apologise a lot, my friend", he giggled, sitting down next to me.
I finished tapping.
Tap again.
He looked down at my hand.
"You know, don't you?", I asked him, just out of the blue because of a feeling he outshone.
That he knew.
I didn't want him to know.
Gideon laid his head on my lap. I would pet him, the fluffy grey fluff making me somewhat comfortable in this situation.
"That you have OCD? Yeah", Carson said, shrugging his shoulders, smiling at me as we looked out on the darkening day.
I sighed. Feeling like actual shit.
Half for not telling him - that he had to find out by himself, half for that I'd failed so badly at hiding.
"Sorry", I breathed.
All my hiding, for nothing.
Why did I always have be so afraid?
Scratch your wrists just so it'll bleed. Punish yourself for not telling him yourself.
He grinned at me.
"It's alright - you're just as ruemarkable as ever"
The assuring words that he spoke, making me feel allowed to smile even though I was punishing myself by scratching my wrist in a rather discrete and quiet way. I did not want him to notice it.
It was enough that Lin & Vanessa knew. And Thayne for that matter.
And the silence wasn't awkward - it was a comfortable, a knowing, silence.
We sat there.
And then we talked.
I scratched a little extra. My nails breaking through my thin skin.
We were just rambling about everything.
All was well.

When I got back, I was met by Vanessa and Lin curled up on the couch binge watching Netflix.
Lin turned his head to me, from a big old smile to a confused and a worried look on my face.
My tights were ripped to the fullest and covered by some blood.
The actual wounds were covered by bandaids.
"What the heck did you do?", he said in a worried, yet calm, way as he quickly stood up in order to walk towards me.
"Seriously, Lin, you need to chill. I just fell down some stairs in Riverside Park", I quickly told him, laughing. He lifted his right eyebrow.
"I'm alright. All pieces are puzzles back together with plasters", I smiled, squatting down to Tobi who had been jumping up and down on me for the last few seconds. As I began to pet her, the happy tail would wag just from the appreciation of me being back home.
I quietly ignored the pain of the soon-to-be bruises that would occur as I moved and walked.
Vanessa finally cracked a laugh from the serious silence, and Lin began to chuckle too.
"Oh my god, Rue. You just got rid of the cast, and now you've fallen down stairs?", Vanessa rhetorically asked, giggling at my actions.
"Don't even ask", I rolled my eyes.
"My unfortunate ruby", Lin said, looking at me with a small grin. "Rueby", he repeated, as he would define something in the Urban Dictionary.
I smiled.
I'm definitely a series of unfortunate events.
"What's with all the nicknames?", I giggly questioned, as I stood up again.
Tap your thigh. 23 times. Then repeat 4 times.
"You deserve all the nicknames, mi niñita"

"Via!", I shouted at my friend from across the corridor.
She quickly turned to me, with a big grin plastered on her face. Not even the Monday morning would ruin her mood.
"How did it go with Guy the Guy?", I mischievously asked.
After following her daily updates of happenings with Guy the guy, I couldn't help but be excited by this in the tired morning.
She secretly hid her face behind her books.
"Viaaaaa", I begged. "You're in speech and debate, speak up", I laughed at her somewhat silly behaviour.
"Good", she said quietly, smiling.
"Great?", I asked. She nodded.
"Amazing?", she nodded again.
"Yay!", I cheered.
Even though she was meant to join me and Carson's sightseeing tour, and that I'd been a bit worried about it being my fault, I was happy for her.
I mean, she might've been annoyed or mad at me and because of that cancelled.
Now I was just really worried about her changing.
Changing into another Via that won't like me anymore.
That'll hate me and this mess that I am.

With that, someone shoved me into a locker in a rough way.
The fist was thrown right into my stomach, an extreme wave of pane would run through my body.
It took five seconds until I could catch my breath.
"You happy now, Ruthleigh?"
The only nickname that I purely hated.
His raspy, whispering, voice making me frightened by the second.
Nobody else would have heard him except me.
I watched the back of the person who'd done it walk away from me.
What had happened?
Was something my fault?
It must be your fault.
Tap.
Via helped me up, ranting about how big of an idiot Ansel was.
The bell rang. My breathing escalated.
I couldn't do this math test. Not now.
Tap tap tap tap.
I walked into the silence of a math class.
My new teacher since the beginning of the term, my history and now pre calc teacher.
I loved his classes.
I couldn't screw this test up. Carson had helped me tons.

Did you lock the door when you left?
Opened and closed your locker 4 times?
What if you forgot to organise your backpack?
Blink 256 times.
Did you really count that right?
Recount.
Tap. Tap again.
My hand would shakily write down the answer to the first equation.
Hold your breath.
Count.
30 seconds.
You can't do any maths, Rue.
Did you stop counting the blinks?
Redo.
I can't do this.
Did I do something?
It must be my fault.
I deserve all the punches.
I wrote down the next answer.
The panic inside accelerated in such a speed.
I took a deep breath.
I cannot do this.
You have to do this. Do you wanna let Carson down? Vanessa? Lin?
I can't. I can't.
My frantically tapping fingers was making it almost unimaginable to write.
This is all your fault. Go punish yourself.
I stood up, grabbed my not even half done test and ran to the counter, handing it in.

I found myself in the bathroom.
I was panicking.
Right before walking in, I'd seen Via down the corridor as she had this period free, since she always had speech & debate in the morning.
I really hoped she didn't see me crying.
I looked myself in the mirror.
My red eyes were staring back at me.
They were blinking - out of control.
I wasn't in control.
I was too worried.
Wash your hands. Or someone will get sick.
I precisely did that, as I quietly said:
"I'm not supposed to do this, I cannot add another routine...", talking to nobody else but myself.
Suddenly the door opened, and a Via with worried eyes and a wondering look came inside to the typical, disgusting, school bathroom where I was hiding.
Nevertheless, my hiding was never too reliable.
"Ey, Rue, you alright?", she asked right before actually stepping in, just as any casual question.
I couldn't bear myself to answer.
My tears were pouring down, making me unable to see nor speak, as I had to gasp for air every other second.
Her face suddenly turned very worried, as she almost began to look surprised - like she didn't know what to do.
Despite not feeling entirely clean, I forced myself not to wash them again.
Did my own feelings succeed? No.
I began to scrub every inch of my hands full of germs that maybe would make someone else ill and that it was going to be my fault.
Scrubbed the problems away.
"What's going on?", Via questioned as she glanced at the horrid sight that was me. Soon, she was to be standing by my side. I didn't look at her for a moment, as I was overwhelmed by my worries.
I knew I wasn't supposed to add a new routine.
"Can you please tell me what's happening?", she asked me another time, so lost on the subject. She put her hand on my shoulder.
I knew that a new routine could happen. That it was alright, according to Dr. Noma. That it was completely normal. But since when have I been normal?
"Rue, please sit down, just calm down!", she sounded devastated. I eyed her for the first time, after I'd had my hands cleaned precisely 4 times.
I couldn't care less about the dirty floor full of bacteria until it crossed my mind that it would make me sick, and then make everyone around me sick.
Maybe they'll die and it'll be your fault.
I shook my head.
My tears were pouring down like two waterfalls.
Scratch your wrist. Someone will die if you don't. Come on, do it then!
Via really began to panic at this point.
Yet, I could not worry about it - the worry of something that I did not know was taking up all of the place in my mind.
"Rue? Please! Tell me what to do!", she demanded in pure confusion and fright. "Should I call someone? Rue!? Should I call Vanessa?-", I cut her off directly.
"No, I don't wanna bother her, please don't-"
"-Lin then? Please, Rue...", Via rambled on as I continued to shake my head to make my disagreement clear. "Wait! I think have his number..."
Suddenly she went quiet, put her phone right next to her ear with such a worried look - constantly keeping an eye on me as I was forcing myself to lean against the wall instead of sitting down. I was scratching my wrist - which by now was bleeding, and weeping in my corner of the world.
"Hello?..."

Her voice echoed in my head.
The only thought in my mind at this moment was the fact that I was bothering Lin.
I let go of my body, letting myself sit down as I weeped.
Via sat beside me, putting her arm on my shoulders.
"I don't know what's going on, but I do know that you feel unwell and that I'll be right here"

-----
Hello hello hello🍁
*reads that in the most Lin way possible*
BAHAHAHA yeS drama.
*reads that the same way* 🤷🏼‍♀️

Okay, but to be fair: I didn't really know in which direction this chapter was going💫
But, then thought at this thing that y'all don't know yet😌

A little bit of Carson - who's prob my dream friend? - who's just being Carson. Thoughts?

Then - Via comes in. You're definitely going to see more of Guy the guy. And had a lil thought of her character turning ignorant and mean? Then thought: nope. Not today🗺
What do you think of Via's actions in this particular chapter? Is she a good friend? Is her character any good? Should she stay kind or turn mean?🙈

And Rue! She ain't feeling any good at the moment. She's "turning back"...  to how she's been before. Yes, something has happened. What could it be?👀

Anyways - been quite a few weeks. Had a sleepover with school on an island after canoeing there 🛶
It was quite chilly🌊
But funnnnn💐
IT IS SO AUTUMNAL RN IM V HAPPY🍂

Aaand I'm stressed - two tests per week from now on - so if I'm slow at updating, that's why🌈

Question for lé day;
A song that you love?🍁
Me? "Green Light" - Lorde 🍃

I hoped you had an amazing day, and that you enjoyed this chapter - and if you did, please consider leaving a vote and comment!💓

Sincerely,
C

Published: 26th of September, 2017.