[READ THE A/N THERE'S A VERY EXCITING LITTLE THING FOR Y'ALL TO DO]

I looked down on the sheet of paper on my lap, wondering how this was something my psychiatrist was able to come up with.
In fact, there was 4 sheets of paper. A good number.
A chart of my compulsions, which she'd so precisely had called them.
It had been a month of seeing Dr. Noma every other week now, and I was still doubting her - which she just knew.
The trigging thoughts in the back of my head, always telling me that she wanted to hurt me.
Every compulsion had its own column. I was supposed to fill them in with a line each time I did it for one day each week.
I'd been quiet through the session after she gave me them.
I was still quiet.
"You'll understand why soon, Rue. Push the thoughts aside, debate if you have to do it. Like we went through earlier. Okay?", she softly said, so psychiatristry precise. I nodded. "And y'know, I'm free on Wednesdays too, so you can drop in after school too, just text me an hour before-", informing about what she always informed me about.
I cut her off.
Do you really think she wants you to get better? What if she just wants to hurt Vanessa? Or Lin? Or Sebastian?
Tap your thigh 23 times.
"How many people have you helped?", I shakingly asked, questioning my thoughts - like she told me too.
I was tapping.
Again. Restart. Do it in the perfect pattern.
She didn't look surprised at all, just smiled for a bit.
"I can't even think of a number - a lot of people"
Her honest answer made me feel a bit safer around in the clean, cosy and quiet room with the beautiful view over a park I didn't know the name of.
I glanced on the clock on the wall.
"It's 4:30", I exclaimed, as it tick tocked to the time I had to be out of here.
"Yeah, I know. We'll have to finish for today, then. Have a good week, Rue. Don't forget your assignment", she simply reminded me. I nodded approximately 7 times. "See ya next Friday!", I picked up my backpack, swinging it over my right shoulder.
When you get out of here, check if everything's there. Otherwise you'll die.
"See you!", I tried to sound as excited as she did, but failed terribly.
In the somewhat sterile looking waiting room, I opened my backpack, folding the piece of paper as precisely as I could, making the edges perfectly touch each other, and then checking the order of things.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven times.
If Whizzer would have been the one deciding whether if I needed a psychiatrist or not, he wouldn't have doubted at all, like with Jason.
Check again.

As I made up a plan of how I was going to walk out of the building, which was located rather close to my school - which worried me, since I couldn't imagine anyone knowing I went here every Friday, Vanessa came in through the door.
"Oh, hi V!", I said, smiling towards her, awkwardly rearranging my backpack again.
Or she'll die, Rue. Do it.
She'd patiently wait for me to finish.
"Sorry", I said, putting my backpack on. "So, I overheard that Luis & Luz are seeing the show tonight?", I added, as we gently would step down the stairs.
The thing that I'd been worried about all day, unsure if I had heard right or not.
"Yeah!", she kindly confirmed my statement. "Luis loves the show a bit too much, and so does Luz...", Vanessa said, giggling, then turning to me with a smile.
"They also really wanna meet you", she broke the glass of the little window I'd started to imagine after I realised that this was the reason.
I began to worry.
I'd said 'hi' on FaceTime. They didn't seem to hate me back then.
What if they won't like me in person?
Touch every wall 4 times.
What if they think I'm weird?
That I'm a freak?
Suddenly the much too familiar picture of my family was in my head, all so clear.
Blink 256 times and they won't die.
As I seemingly tried to control my breathing to sounding as if it was normal, I started to tap my thigh - telling myself that if I did so, everything would go perfectly fine.
"Rue...", Vanessa kindly and warmly said, popping my bubble from the outside world in the most gentle way possible. "I know you're worried, but don't, alright?", she put her arm around my side, pulling me into a small hug as we strolled down the streets of New York.
"They already love you, Niñita"
In some way, that comforted me in some way.
I didn't step on any cracks on the sidewalk.
"How's Seb then?", I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from myself & my problems, referring to my little brother who was sick.
Vanessa sighed empathetically.
"Yeah, the little bud is better than this morning. The thing about one-and-a-half-year-olds are that they can't tell you when they aren't feeling well... it just so happens", she said, shrugging her shoulders, letting out a laugh. "Apparently there's something going around at daycare, so at least we know what's going on", Vanessa said, relieved.
I cheered.
"You staying with him tonight or?", I asked, thinking of how sad Seb had looked this morning when me & Lin left.
"Yep, I had an emergency client so Lin took over at lunch time, so we're switching kiddos at the Theater", Vanessa easily answered, giggling. I smiled at her.
I was quite surprised at what she'd said. Switching kiddos. I really was a part of a family, for once.
Hopefully it would stay this way.
Blink; it'll do.
As we walked by a coffee shop, I'd watch the people inside - sipping their coffee, talking to their friend, being on their phone.
I looked at V.
She glanced at me, with that knowing face expression.
We we're thinking exactly the same thing.
"Should we get Lin coffee?", Vanessa curiously asked.
In unison, we answered the rhetoric question we both knew the correct answer to - as we nodded, and cracked a laugh.
"We should get Lin coffee"

As I easily ran up the stairs of the Theater, my head floating up in the clouds as I actually was debating whether to tap the bricks in the walls after a rather nice walk with Vanessa.
A cycle in my head began.
Do I have to tap the wall?
Yes, otherwise Sebastian will die.
Logically, no.
Locking my hand in a fist, forcing my fingers to not move.
Do I have to tap that brick, that wall?
Yes, or Sebastian will get even sicker. And die.
I started to tap, disappointed in myself as I panicked from not obeying from the start.
You're so weak, Rue. So weak. Tap.

Despite my running, so was Vanessa already in Lin & Jon's dressing room.
So, when I casually sneaked inside I did slide Lin's two travel cups in front of him, like someone sliding into DMs.
"Niñita, you're a lifesaver!", he happily exclaimed, already taking his first sip of the cup that said Alexander, which I'd told the barista was the name. The other one said Lin. I think the barista had been suspecting something.
He almost spit out his coffee when he noticed it, high-fiving me as I jumped up to sit on his desk.
"Hello!", I gladly, yet nervously, said, looking over at Luz & Luis who had been talking to Lin as I'd secretly tip toed inside.
My worries that were destined for this moment, was gone by the wind as they both greeted me with the biggest smiles and 'hello, hello, hello'-s ever. Now, I could see why Lin said that a lot.
"Oh my god, get in here!", Luis said, pulling me into the biggest bear hug of a lifetime.
I smiled.
As he let go, another millisecond went by and I had Luz's arms around mine.

I couldn't help but wonder if they'd been waiting for this moment.
I just couldn't imagine that.
Lin emerged by drinking his beloved coffee, Vanessa watching us while having one eye at Sebastian, and two new people, Luis & Luz, that I could call family. Like a cliché.

Little Seb coughed, and I sadly smiled at him - making the smile stand out to make Sebastian happy - as Vanessa held him, worriedly looking at the small boy in her arms.
"Anyways, we gotta go - Homeboy needs sleep", she said, making Seb wave his hand by holding his wrist. "Bye!", trying to sound excited to make everything a bit better for him.
I waved back at him.
"Bye!", grinning, making my hamster cheeks appear out of the blue - Jonathan awwwing at us from his chair, as they left the room.

I turned back to them again, and my nerves were back.
"So... hi", I awkwardly uttered.
Tap the mirror behind.
Tap - tap, tapping on the glass.
I looked up at them, the thoughts in my head fighting on a battlefield just like in Yorktown. Truly, I hoped that the redcoats would wave their red flag soon.
Can you see the panic inside?
I'm making you uneasy, aren't I?
"And here we are, it's my sixteenth time here and I haven't been this proud since opening night", Luis warmly said to Lin, who were a bit overwhelmed and embarrassed by his Dad's excitement.
I was tapping, not even thinking about it.
"And still we got lost walking around backstage!", Luz added, laughing.
"Same! I think I find a new corner every day or so", agreeing with them.
And simple as that, a conversation began.
In the back of my head, the thought kept on going - am I making them uneasy?

After the show, Lin's parents were all over their son, complementing each and every little thing - which I found adorable.
Before the show, they'd been all over me, interviewing and wanting to found out every fact I had in store.
The dreamy feeling of the night hadn't brushed off, and if times are hard for dreamers, so aren't they hard for me as I blinked 74 times per minute for every seventh minute that passed.

Suddenly Pippa poked my shoulder, only to make me turn around from curiosity.
I was met by her almond eyes, filming with her phone.
"What?", I excitedly questioned, giving her phone an actual confused look.
"Daveed is completely out on the sofa - he's been going on redbull's for the past hour and we can't wake him up so we're gonna balance things on him until he wakes up", talking in a rapid speed, eager to go and annoy Daveed who would be so unaware of it.
She paused to do something on her phone.
"And I just so happen to take over the Hamilton Snapchat today!", she exclaimed, very happy with herself.
She took my arm, and we ran through the corridors until we could see about seven people, crowding around Daveed, all quietly laughing while shushing themselves.
"Ant starts!", Oak announced.
Ant started to look around the room, making a dash for the laundry basket, and placed it on Daveed's side.

When Thayne decided that the eighth item would be a plant that he ran to the other side of the Theater to get, and totally nailing the placement on Daveed - on the shoulder, making it lean onto the sofa - I couldn't stop my quiet self from bursting into laughter.

A banana, the remote control and his Pop!FUNKO collection later, Pippa told me to go get something.
Searching from every side of the room, I came across his Lafayette boots that were thrown on the floor. Sprinting to get them, and quietly laughing at the ridiculous moment I was in. Grabbing them to just a second after balancing a pair of boots on his arm.
"Yes!", I cheered, happy that I managed to make it. "Oak, your go!", I shrieked, making him suddenly realise that it was his turn. We watched him look around the room, until Oak's eyes landed on the one thing that had crossed all our minds.
"That's what I'm talking about! He's getting the chair, people, he is getting the CHAIR!", Anthony announced the Anthony way, as Oak lifted the chair over his head.
Suddenly Daveed began to move away from the position he'd had for the past 15 minutes of us focusing.
"Shit", Alysha whispered.
We all froze.
Petrified, we glanced over at him, wishing that he wouldn't wake up.
Keeping our mouths shut, we watched him sleep his way through the Pop!Funko's falling off.

It all went quiet again. We sighed in such relief. We wanted to see that share on him.

I ran up to him, and putting the little figurines on him again - very gently.
I turned around to Oak, nodding.
The coast was clear.
He carefully balanced it on Daveed, making it lean against the sofa but having all of its weigh on the Broadway actor that still was wearing his Thomas Jefferson coat.
"Oh my gosh there's a chair on him! A f*cking chair!", Jazz said next to me, as we'd both fallen to the ground by the extreme amount of pure weirdness.
Touch the floor 23 times 7.
Pippa was down there with us, completely emerged by the moment and snapchatting every second of it.
"We need some decorations!", Thayne squealed, getting the somewhat old flowers from a beautiful vase that was placed in the corridor outside.
Thayne started to take them out, laying them all out on the sleeping Thomas Jefferson. It looked like Daveed had been digging his way through a garbage dump.
As lightning would strike, Daveed's eyes flickered open.
A silence spread across the cast, like someone had cast the spell of Silencio.
The confused face was priceless.
"What the heck did you do?"

-----
Heya!🌺
You happy with me? 2700 words! Woop woop 🙌
A bit of a hap chap, Rue meeting Luis & Luz and fluff with V, and then fun with the cast!
It's also full of references, Falsettos, Dodie, Waitress, 21 Chump Street...

also listen to 6/10 by dodie bc I think that song basically defines Rue. Amirite?👀

This past week has been so eventful, but most of all - we hit 25k reads! WHAT?!
That's halfway to fifty, which is absolute madness!😱
To celebrate this, I thought I could say hi. bc, I've been quite secretive about me.

So - there you have it, my face!🌈
(it's after my school graduation thingy, so I look rather fancy. I spend most of my time in a totoro onesie while writing)
Anyways, I'm Hedda - weird Swedish name - and I could not in any way imagine that people would read my little fanfic, that I'd get 25k reads at any point in the future!💓
Therefore, thank you all for your endless support that makes me smile each and every day.
When I got 1k, I was speechless. And y'all keep blowing my mind *cyber hugs to all of you*💕

2nd celebration surprise; you are all going to create a new character (like Via & Carson), so comment your idea and discuss with others🙌💐
Maybe, a name, personality, how they look...
This is because I'm looking for a new friend to Rue!🌻
Comment every request you have!

Other eventful thing this week: I got an allergic reaction. FUN, right?
I decided to eat some seeds in a salad and apparently my body wasn't agreeing with me so I had to chew 10 flippin pills.
(I didn't know I was allergic to them - I thought it was only nuts)
UGHHHH🙁

Question for lé day;
Why do you like Rue?🐝🐝
Me? Oh, she's my precious character I once made up in my head that came to life. Basically my child. I like her a lot🍃

Leave a vote/comment if you liked this chapter, it all makes my day!🌵

Have the best of days;
Sincerely,
C
( H )

Published: 8th of July, 2017