[TWELVE THOUSAND. WHAT]
I looked around in the hallway, as I distinctly stared at my shoes while tied them, still doing the usual morning routine - but I stopped in the doorway as I placed my hand on the handle.
Lin had left early for an interview about ten minutes ago, after me convincing him that I could head to school by myself, which took a while. Especially since the journalist event at the theater. Yesterday, he'd been stressed because he had to rush to rehearsals - and dropped me off at school in a hurry, which just made me feel like a bother.
Vanessa always left earlier than us, with Sebastian.
But, in all of that shoe tieing - something happened. My mind had accelerated since I'd taken my first step outside the apartment. My worry levels were on top, falling down the bottom of the worry hole - somewhere I couldn't get out of. Not anymore.
What if you forget to tap the fridge 57 times? What if you didn't close it properly? What if everything will go bad and Lin, V & Seb will die because you made the food go bad?
I took another step, turning around to close the door. My breath went seemingly heavier.
Did you reorganise your bookcase enough? Go and do that four times.
Suddenly everything in the world except the things I had to do didn't matter.
I couldn't go outside, because if I did someone would die.
I didn't feel alive.
In a matter of seconds, I'd turned around - made a dash through the door and smashed it closed.
I practically attacked the fridge.
In a blur - in a time that I didn't comprehend - I completed it, all in full on fright.

When I was doing the same thing again, I knew there was no way I was stepping outside that door. It was all too scary in the outside world. Everything, especially everything, could go wrong.
As I frantically tapped on everything in the living room - running from side to side, a routine formed - as I called myself in as sick. Tobillo was barking at me, following my every step.
Not that I was sick. This was to prevent others from fading away.

Lin's POV
I looked from left to right, and then quickly ran over the street after the weird taxi driver, who'd been rambling on in what seemed like forever, and then he'd dropped me off a block away. In the mid of rehearsals I'd realised that I'd forgotten the Moana notebook at home, which I desperately needed so Pippa and Chris could look over it.
Walking up the few stairs, to then unlock my door and a certain Tobillo bark - she didn't even jump up on me today, the welcome gesture that was a daily routine.
I suspiciously threw off my shoes, as she didn't run towards me. What was she barking at?
As I walked through the corridor, my backpack slipped over my shoulder, I noticed that Rue's shoes still stood in their spot - as neat and perfect as always.
This made me raise an eyebrow, and my walking got seemingly faster.
If Tobillo hadn't been barking, I hadn't noticed them. I shrugged my shoulders, trying to brush it off as I grabbed the scribbly sheet music and my messy notebook - but then, heading towards Tobi. Maybe Rue was wearing her other ones, I tried to assure myself - still, I knew what this could mean.
I couldn't leave home without a belly rub, not in a million years.
I peaked my head inside the kitchen, seeing the pup barking at something - and as my worst scenario got true - Rue was there, in an even worse session than I'd seen her in before.
I started going over the things in my head, her OCD hadn't been getting better - if it was something, it was worse.
"...Rue?", I asked, and when she didn't respond I walked towards her, seeing her panicky running from every corner of the kitchen. She tapped on the counter, and then reorganised the order of food magazines."Niñita?"
I dropped my things and in a matter of seconds, I was by her side, taking a steady breath as I held her. Not only did I hold her tight for comfort, but for safeness too. My Niñita.
My eyes narrowed into her's, which were red from crying and still rolling from one side to another, in a hyped and frightened way.
She seemed to be shaking, her breath as quick and short as someone who'd been running for a few miles - but it was scared breathing.
"I-I... I'm s-sorry", her light, regretting, way of talking made my heart shatter into 525.600 pieces.
"Shhh. It's not your fault", her heart's still racing as a butterfly's wings, a frightened bunny, lost in the woods. I let her bury her head in my hoodie, embracing her.
Soon, she would try to get away, in such a robotic way. Why? To do something she thought she had to do.
"No, breathe instead", and when she finally had gone back to not shake, I asked the next question. "Did it get too much?"
I think I'd never gotten such a genuine, short, nod from someone ever.
"How long has this been going on?", referring to the fact that she was at home, alone.
Her jumpy self tapped on the kitchen counter behind her.
It really looked like she'd given up.
"...Two days"
I kept my emotions inside, the ones that were blaming myself. Did I do something wrong?
In her face, you could see that Rue was in pain. Not in physical pain - mental pain.
My Niñita.
My beloved, shattered, Niñita.

When I finally got her to sit down on the couch, after I'd been forcibly removing her from the kitchen, holding her tight.
After the conversation with Dr. Noma, and a few calls to her, I'd noticed that there were to options; to help her do it, or to distract her from it.
Today, distract was the deal. She was too wired to do the routines, that they wouldn't stop.
"Just sit down. Watch Tangled", I said, smiling a bit, to make her feel good. She weakly smiled, after I'd let her go. Tobi jumped up beside her, placing her head on
"I'm s-sorry, I just couldn't go outside", she spoke.
"That's okay", I assured her. The opening credits started, Flynn Rider being Flynn Rider. "I've just gotta call Tommy Kail the Snail...", I said, fumbling with my phone. I looked over at her, the hand tapping on the seat, nodding - her eyes blinking. But, she wasn't stuck in the evil circle - not for the moment. "Tobillo", I pointed two fingers on the dog, then back at my eyes. "Stay", I told the curious, loyal, dog by my daughter's side.

As I got off the phone with Tommy, I'd paced down and up the corridor a few times - hesitating as I'd almost mentioned her OCD to him. I know she didn't want them to know, and I would let her take her time.
I peaked my head inside the living room again, watching Rue being in her state of mind as I saw her hands rearranging the things on the table in front of her, and sighed.
Things hadn't been getting better at all. It was two weeks since the first meeting at Dr. Noma's office. Two weeks since she'd gotten pills for it, and, as far as I know, things shouldn't have gotten worse.
When I suddenly glanced over at the medicine cabinet, I realised something.
Every morning, Rue said she'd taken them.
I'd, We'd, believed her. I wanted to believe her.
But - in all honesty - she hadn't been going outside for two whole days, because she got worried. That wasn't the best of signs.
This was the worst state she'd been in since we'd met her.
Suspiciously, I walked over to the cabinet, and opened it. There, the little bottle of pills stood.
I picked it up, inspecting every side of it. It was still sealed close as when the doctor had handed it to her.
I closed my eyes, feeling the disappointment fill me as I let out a sad sigh. I had really trusted her.
As I opened it, and just to be sure, I counted them.
75. Just as it said on the package.
Blinded by the feeling of something I'd done wrong, I'd let it go this far, I grabbed the box and walked towards the living room.
"Rue?", I said, quite strict - yet kind.
"Huh?", I got back, and I placed the box in front of her.
"What is this?"

Rue's POV
His words was so kind, meant for a good cause - but I could see the disappointment in his eyes.
I'd let them down. By far.
The many pills in front of me, something that I'd for so long avoided - I'd tried to forget about their existence.
I didn't say a thing, looking at the messy pile of pills in front of me, right next to the box. The fact of the messiness was unbearable.
Organise them. Or he'll die.
Not now, I thought. He'll see right through me.
Do you want him to die?
"Niñita, it's been two weeks", he said, sitting down beside me, looking at my blinking eyes.
All of my routines combined to prevent myself from doing one thing.

I looked back on when Dr. Noma had handed it to me, overflowing by smiling, and telling me that it would help. Me? Convincing myself that she wanted to hurt me. That I wasn't sick. That I didn't need them.

"After all that's been going on, you lied?", Lin said, accusing me of everything.
I stared at the pile. Pill over pill, in an unorganised way, stressing me. I started breathing heavier. "We need to be able to trust you, Rue-Rue, and right now, that's not an option"
I blinked more frantically as ever. I didn't understand.
Reorganise them. Do it.
"...I'm not sick?", I questioned, my voice weak.
Lin sighed.
REORGANISE THEM. OTHERWISE HE'LL DIE.
"Rue, please", he almost begged. I couldn't focus on anything not including the pills. "You need to accep..."
Suddenly, nothing else mattered. I couldn't stand it anymore. My heart raced.

My hands attacked the pills, working faster than ever before. Panicking.
This quieted Lin.
I failed to hide it. I failed so badly.
I smashed down the bottle of pills on the table carefully.
With that, tears started falling down my cheeks, dropping onto my thighs.
I'd let them down. I had let everyone down.
You failed to hide it. You failed.
"I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to-", yet, Lin cut me off, by putting my rough hair behind my ear, wiping my tears.
"Niñita. I know you didn't. Shh"
With that, he hugged me.
I was sick.
Finally, I could admit that to myself.

-----
Hello, 'ello💓 & Happy Easter 🐣
Ending this on a somewhat good note?
I was supposed to be translating parts of this chapter from my Swedish short story I wrote in school, which was the foundation for this fanfic - but guess who forgot it at school?? *face palms*

First of all - y'all happy for Rue?? Finally doing what's right. I am, indeed. Been wanting to write this chapter since I started it🎉

And as a matter of fact, it's the Easter holidays! I finished my ham tee! I'm going to a convention! And I haven't got a lot of homework! 💐
(also new doctor who BUT GUESS WHO'S STUCK IN NOTHING WITHOUT WIFI. yES. ME)
Although, last week we had to write a story in Swedish. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO WRITE STUFF IN YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE WHEN YOU WRITE 2000+ WORDS IN ENGLISH A WEEK. but, hey, I did it🙈

Questions for lè day;
How are you doing?🎈
Me? Good. I think so, at least. Bit stressed. Realised that I'm the worst in social situations. Like, I'm the boring friend who don't know how to act around people. Felt bad about myself. But, aside from that - happy💓

Thank you so much for reading, by the way! If you liked, or loved, this chapter - please consider giving it a vote💗
Or a comment of feedback/critique. Everything's appreciated🌼

Have the loveliest of days,
Sincerely,
C

Published: 15th of April