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0 1 : w i l d v i x e n

cause darling i'm a nightmare dressed like a day dream.

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LOVE is like a rainbow, breathtakingly beautiful but transient and illusional.

I grimaced at the sudden and unexpected thought that fluttered through my mind upon seeing the lines of blue and tangerine slither through the pesky afternoon sky with blips of sunlight streaming in from behind the scattering billowy clouds. A rainbow, splitting across the wild blue yonder, arced into the heavens above, spewing its chaotic colours on the stippled canvas of the somber sky.

The rain had ceased a while ago but the air was still heavy, rife with the pungent smell of earth. The petrichor that once soothed my soul with its sweet pleasant smell, merely reminded me of storms and silences today.

Unfastening the silk scarf from around my neck, my eyes returning from the window to the spreadsheet on my computer screen, I rolled my head to the side, the sore tired muscles of my neck protesting under the movement. The start of the calendar was always tough, piled with constant meetings and late hours, however the past week at the The J. M Group Headquarters had been particularly hectic. With the next 5 year general meeting edging near, it meant we had little time to spare.

A glance at my weekly organiser confirmed what I already knew. The week was going to be packed and the jet lag from my impromptu weekend trip was not going to help. A dull pulse throbbed behind my eyes, growing painful and eager for relief. I cursed under my breath, rubbing my temples painfully. There were still three more important reports that begged my attention.

There was no time to waste.

What had started off as a small enterprise in Dada Jaan's palatial house in the town of Faisalabad was today a sprawling multinational conglomerate. And today, nothing made me prouder than sitting in his seat and watching this company scale new heights and reach the pinnacle of success.

The day dragged on painfully slow, and when I stared up at the clock, I realised I had missed lunch again. It was late in the afternoon, a little past five, but the weather outside seemed to have cleared and the sun was now shining in all its glory, filling my office cabin with an envious light.

My office, a stark contrast to my house, was decorated in the banal tones of contemporary dark browns and grey: sleek teak tables, lacquered desks with gold hardware and regal purple carpets that matched the colour of our logo. An exquisite oil painting from my grandfather's private art collection hung between the two shelves of neatly kept books, awards and expensive decoration pieces, some antique and some new. There was an understated charm and elegance to this place, because my grandfather truly epitomised the principle of power to be in the understatements.

Despite the diversified interest of our family business, all offices and factories under the J.M portfolio followed the same pattern. Simple yet efficacious spaces, with little show of the immense wealth that our family had amassed over the years.

Ever since Shanzae ventured into politics, my father invited my sister and I to take a seat on the board. Whether it was a way to consolidate power and maintain a majority stake within the company or a late realisation that women in the 21st century were fully capable of running and handling multimillion dollar conglomerates — I wasn't sure.

When grandfather presided over the board, my uncle and father would come together to keep a unified front. But after the sudden death of my uncle and with the rapidly deteriorating health of Dada Jaan, my father took over as the chairman of the board, while Dada Jaan continued to serve as the honorary President. Along with my siblings, my cousins, Zaroon and Shahzad, too are a part of the board with a substantial shareholding. But ever since Ibrahim Taya's death, the two shifted bases to New York and had not concerned themselves with the everyday running of the business. In their absence, their deputies and lawyers represented their interests during the board meetings. But recently, rumours in the office halls were abuzz with speculation that the brothers were planning a return and would be attending the upcoming general meeting.

An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, the thought itself setting my veins on fire.

The phone on my desk rang, jarring me out of the virtual black hole I had immersed myself into. "Alina, I told you I do not wish to be disturbed today."

"Good day to you too," the chirpy voice of my childhood friend and manager Alina sang from the other side. Her overenthusiastic greeting pierced through my head. Had she not been my friend and the most reliable employee for the past three years, I would have probably hung up on her. But before I could act, she continued, "And this is just to inform you that I might have spotted your sister and niece on their way up to your office." Oh crap. "And mind you, she does not look—"

"Lee-Lee!" The heavy wooden door of my cabin suddenly flung wide open without warning and a very excited Aly barged right through. The little girl raced across the room and jumped right into my arms. Her little hands wound around my neck engulfing me in the warmest of hugs. I almost leapt out of my chair, scooping Aly into my arms and spinning her around, "Lee-Lee, I missed you!" She squealed, her honey nectar voice sweetening up the entire room.

"Oh I missed you too, Aly!" I squeezed her tiny little frame. She still smelt like a little baby, all sweet and innocent, "In fact I was about to visit you tonight. I bought you something."

"Really?" Excitement alighted her gaze and she quickly leaned in to place a sloppy kiss on my cheek. At almost four years old, Alisha was the most adorable little girl I had ever met. Despite her deep amber eyes and pert little features, that eerily resembled her father, there was something about her that was so uncharacteristically Shanzae. Every time I looked at her, I couldn't help but see a little version of my sister in that sweet chubby little face.

"Yup. I got you a gift—"

"From?" Shanzae cleared her throat from behind us. Dressed in an oversized neon sweater and fitted black pants, her hair netted smoothly into a chignon, she looked distinctly at variance from her usual decorous demeanour. Being under the constant public eye meant Shanzae had to be very careful with her appearances. Her publicist and stylists worked tediously to put forward a very carefully engineered image of her in the media. So to see her in her element, relaxed and homely, was a welcome change. "From where, Layla? Where were you over the weekend?"

I stiffened at her tone. Aly's big round eyes oscillated between her mother and me, her expressions sobering at the tension dispelling within the room. "I had gone out. I already informed mom." I replied curtly, swiftly shifting my attention back to Aly. The corner of her mouth slid upwards, returning the small smile I had passed her, her tiny fingers still pressed into my cheeks.

"Cut the crap already. You merely told mom you'd be busy over the weekend." A flare of irritation cut through her otherwise collected features as she spoke in clear tones, making no efforts to hide her annoyance. "You never told her you'd be flying out." She finished, disapproval underscoring each syllable.

"How did you know I was away?"

"It doesn't take a scientist to figure out." She collapsed on the couch across my desk with a tired sigh and then looked at me wearily. "The plane was under your service the entire weekend." She said softly, her dark granite eyes lambert under the setting sun.

My shoulders sagged slightly, of course she knew, "If you knew I had the plane, it wouldn't have taken a scientist to track down my location as well."

"I did no such thing. I'm not trying to spy on you Layla." A dangerous edge bled into her voice. "But I need to know where you were?"

I sighed, looking towards Aly whose eyebrows were puckered together in confusion at the sudden shift in my mood. Despite all the love and regard I had for Shanzae, right now I wanted this conversation as much as I wanted to bathe in a vat of acid.

"Where were you Layla?" Her voice might have dropped to a whisper, but it did not lose its acrid timbre. It wasn't hard to guess she was fighting to keep her patience in check.

"Mommy! Don't fight with Lee-Lee!" Aly suddenly interjected, throwing her hands into the air, her expressions rivalling the frown on her mother's face. "Are you sad Lee-lee?" Her pudgy little fingers pressed into my face and she looked at me with such softness in her gaze, that I felt my heart melt with all the warmth I had for this little cupcake. She watched me for a long moment, her big round eyes drowned with concern.

If there was someone who inspired a change in me, it was Aly. Sometimes it felt like Aly was the only one who truly understood me.

I shook my head, before leaning in to press a kiss on both of her chubby cheeks. "I'm not sad, Aly. And mommy and I aren't fighting, you know mommy likes to scold everyone."

Aly giggled, her laugh lightening up everything around her, "She scolds me too. She gets so angry," she stretched her arms out, trying to put into perspective the magnitude of Shanzae's displeasure, "when I eat her ice cream."

"That's not very nice Shanzae." I turned to Shanzae with a shake of my head, who sat watching us with a bored expression.

"Miss Alisha Aliyaar Chaudhry, you need to stop ganging up on me with daddy and Layla." Shanzae smiled slightly and Aly giggled mischievously. "Why don't you go out? Ellie will get you something to eat." Ellie was Aly's British caretaker and nanny.

"But I came to meet Lee-Lee." She pouted and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Aly there is ice cream in the pantry. And if you're nice, then maybe Alina can show you the new play area we're having built."

"A new play area?" Aly's eyes twinkled with excitement and with one quick leap she pushed herself out of my arms and ran towards the door.

"A new play area?"

"I thought it would be a good idea for working mothers. I remember how difficult it was for you when Aly was younger."

Shanzae pushed her lips together in a straight line, but she looked happy at my initiative. "It's an excellent and thoughtful idea. I'm sure the employees will love it."

"They are all very excited about it. Especially since there has been such a rise in pregnancies after the Covid lockdown." Shanzae smiled slightly, a soft blush rising up her face.

"I don't blame them. There was nothing better to do."

I laughed at her statement, "Well, I'm sure Aly is glad the pandemic didn't result in her losing half her inheritance." I took my seat beside Shanzae. "Anyways, how was your trip to Italy?"

"Pretty Peachy. I'm so glad we went. Aliyaar could really use some days off. He is so overworked." She sounded concerned, but I couldn't blame her. Ever since Aliyaar Bhai became the chief minister, their lives had completely changed. His new role meant he had little time to spare. Shanzae's life took a drastic turn as well. She was no longer hidden away in the shadows of the night, but was instead shining like a star on a dark winter's evening. However despite everything, they always made time for each other and Aly.

Together they shared a love that could drown oceans and silence the storms.

I sometimes wondered if love like their's actually existed. A bound so pure, so powerful. A relationship so encompassing yet so empowering. One look and you could tell how truely, madly and deeply in love they were with each other. Their souls and eyes spoke more than their words ever could. And perhaps when you're so in love, you don't really need words. The reassuring presence, the caress of a glance and the intimacy of a touch are enough to leave you with the warm fuzzy feeling, the feeling of being loved. The feeling of being wanted.

I had once felt those emotions. Felt them all.

It was a beautiful feeling.

Like crimson fireworks decorating the night sky, like a blossoming rose blooming to its fullness or a cold soothing breeze on a hot summer's day. The feeling sucked you in like a storm and then left you drowning.

Helpless and broken.

It had been a little over four years and yet the bitterness of my past was still fresh on my tongue. I could taste it. I could feel it. In every breath, in every sigh, in every pore of my being. And everytime I thought of it, I wanted nothing more than to burn him to ashes. The fire he ignited within me still roared through my blood, promising nothing but darkness and sweet destruction.

But smouldering embers no longer scared me and fires could no longer burn me. I had wrapped myself in the ashes of my past.

"Layla?" Shanzae's touch jolted me back from my thoughts. "You zoned out there. Is everything alright?" Her voice dripped with concern and a pang of guilt sliced through my chest.

"Nothing. I'm overworked too. The General Meeting is near and —"

"And you decided to take an impromptu trip, without feeling the need to inform anyone." Her calm voice belied her anger and disapproval. "Where were you over the weekend?"

I sighed resignedly, there was no way Shanzae was letting this go. Not when this was my third time in two month. "I flew to Tokyo."

"Tokyo? Whatever for?"

"Disneyland." I rolled my eyes, the sarcasm not missed by her shrewd watchful eyes. "I just went to get my mind off work. Shopping, spas, food, clubs. The usual shabang." I tried to sound casual, trying to shrug my weekend escapades under the rug, but the deep lines on Shanzae's forehead confirmed this conversation was nowhere near its end.

"Layla, you need to get a grip on your life. You can't just waste it away partying. Do you have any idea how worried mom was?"

I tried to smile, trying to ignore her irritation with me. And I could see her point, she raised a valid concern, but I was too far gone to actually care. "I took security with me. Alina knew all the details. And I told mom I'd be away for the weekend."

"That still doesn't excuse such rash and immature behaviour. You can't keep doing that. Such an irresponsible attitude is unacceptable." She stared at me annoyingly.

"Accept my apologies but I can't be the good girl you all want me to be." My voice dipped, dangerously riding thin on frustration and anger. "I know this is the life you wanted and I'm sorry you couldn't have it. But at least you found happiness. Now let me find mine. I'm not going to stay locked up in this golden cage."

"Partying, shopping and jet setting aren't going to find you happiness. I want you to find happiness. Real happiness Layla."

"And I'm happy. Very happy. My work and lifestyle give me happiness." I stood up and retrieved a neat envelope from my desk. "Here read this." Returning to the couch, I held the envelope out for her. "I received it this morning."

Growing up, Shanzae and I had little in common and the landscape of our relationship had remained jagged and frayed until her marriage. Shanzae was the rebellious little girl, who wanted nothing to do with the world she was born in and the unending privilege it got her. In contrast, I was my mom's favourite child. Easy and carefree. Dressing up and playing the role of a social butterfly, a part my family expected of me, wasn't something that bothered me in the least.

There was silence for a while, before Shanzae slowly looked up, her eyes lighting with an irrepressible emotion. "Wow! You've been nominated for the best emerging businesswoman of the year award by the Chamber of Commerce. This is great news." Her eyes shone and I could sense the excitement on her face.

I slumped on the seat next to her. "I graduated from Stanford, I run a multi million dollar company. I've been featured in Forbes and now I am being awarded by the Government of Pakistan. Are these reasons not enough for you all to be proud of me? Or are you still going to hold my partying and shopping against me?"

Shanzae's expressions softened at my resentful outburst. She was still angry with me, but having spent the last few years as a public figure meant she had perfected the art of concealing her sharp intelligence and true feelings underneath the facade of a sickly sweet smile.

"Layla! We're all happy for you and your achievements." I did not miss the soft voiced admonition in her tone, "And you have no idea how proud we all are of you. Mom, Dad, Aliyaar and I. We're all very proud of you. But you can't just keep disappearing like this. Your wild lifestyle does nothing for your image."

"I don't disappear, I go on vacations." I stood my ground. Shanzae opened her mouth to argue, but I raised my eyebrows as high as I could. "Mini vacations."

Shanzae rubbed her temples trying to put up a calm countenance, but little did she know I could see through her veneer. "The press is having a field day because of you. Every other day there are pictures of you partying, attending red carpets and dancing with your friends at their parties and weddings. Just last week, there was an Instagram post of you titled 'Wild Vixen'." Her brows drew together in annoyance. "And honestly I could care less, but we hail from a political family, there is an image to upkeep. They are like bloody vultures waiting to tear you apart."

There was a moment of silence. Unhinging silence, granting us both a moment to reflect.

"You've changed." Shanzae's shoulders sagged at the accusation, but I knew she knew it was the truth. My sister had fought for her freedom. She had fought for her independence. She had fought for her place in society. But today she had fallen prey to the very chains she had struggled to free herself from.

She was the reason our very conservative family had allowed me to go to Stanford to pursue my degree. Her taking over the reins of the party and reestablishing it as the most powerful force in the political arena, was probably the single most important reason my grandfather had allowed me to step into the corporate world and take up my role as the COO of the J. M. Group. But today as she spoke, I felt the chains of society curl around her neck and strangle the very idea she fought for.

"I haven't changed. It makes me happy that you get to live the life I didn't. That you get to make the choices I couldn't. I was forced into this life, but I wanted you to have a choice. But I'm scared, Layla. I don't want people to hurt you. Or you to get hurt. It's just— I'm worried for you." She stared at me for a while, her unhinging gaze lingering on my face for a little too long.

Her face was blank, but her piercing gaze swept over me with such unbridled rawness, I couldn't help but feel that in that moment she understood me. Completely.

"You don't have to worry for me Shanzae. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. You really don't have to worry." I took her hand into mine, offering whatever little comfort or assurance I could give her.

"Why didn't you tell anyone you'd be in Tokyo for the weekend?" On her face, disappointment braided with sympathy. My impulsive behaviour had gravely upset her, but I knew behind her phony expression was a heart that bled with care and concern for me.

I looked at her and sighed "Because I didn't feel like telling anyone. I just wanted some time alone, without having to worry about everything." I spoke the truth. At least the partial truth.

Shanzae angled her head, watching me for a moment before she spoke in a rather careful tone, "Just because you're financially independent, it does not mean you don't have a responsibility towards your family. You still have to answer to your parents."

I wanted to protest. But her words did not seem ludicrous. She was right and her opinion just and widely pragmatic.

But the truth lay heavy on my chest. I hadn't left, because I had needed a vacation. I had left because I wanted to escape my past. Shanzae was carefully cataloguing my expression. No matter how much I pretended I could no longer conceal my thoughts. She could see through my bones.

I took a deep breath, the sound hissing like water on hot rocks. "What was the date on Saturday?" I asked quietly.

Thick silence stretched between us. Sullen and heavy. Realisation dawned upon Shanzae, quick and brutal. And her head collapsed into the palms of her hands, guilt stealing her every thought.

"I'm so sorry. So very sorry."

I shrugged, "It's not your fault. But do you understand my need to be away? Away from Lal Mahal. Away from every little thing that reminded me of him."

Expressions passed across her face, but I could not read them, before she shook her head, dismissing my reasoning with a sweep of her chin. Her eyes blazed and I could feel anger searing her belly. I could catch the faintest flicker of disappointment in her eyes. Strong women didn't cry over weak men.

"Layla, how long will you continue punishing yourself over something that happened so long ago? You don't deserve this. He didn't deserve you." Her voice was as sharp, cutting and firm like a stone wall.

"I'm not punishing myself. And I'm over it." I tried to say, but I cringed at how weak and pathetic I must have sounded. "Truly. But some days are harder than the others. All these years and yet it feels like yesterday. And the anger and frustration still gnaws at my insides. Like a waft of poison, slowly choking me."

"It pains me to see you like this." She cried out in frustration.

My face hardened and I reigned over my emotions, "I'm fine. I don't need your sympathies."

"And I'm not giving you my sympathies." Her voice was resonant and clear like summer's morning. "This is the first time in years I've heard you talk about him. And I know you're the strongest girl I know. But I want you to move on. Find your happiness. You deserve better." Her tone was coaxing like our mother.

"It seems like you've been talking to mom a lot lately." I chuckled sardonically.

Taking a deep breath, she stared at the window, her unbridled thoughts floating on her face. Behind us, the sun burned away the last shreds of cloud. "We've had conversations." She spoke carefully, almost tentatively, her words hanging, "A few of them actually."

"I knew it. The last conversation I had with her was her very subtly reminding me that you were happily married with a child by the time you blew your 25th birthday candles."

Shanzae groaned, admittedly repulsed with where this conversation was headed. "Everyone has their own timeline for achieving things. Just because I was married and had Aly when I was twenty four, doesn't mean you have to too. My life and circumstances were so different to yours."

I tilted my head, my lips narrowing in tired frustration. "Exactly. I wish our society understood that women do not come with an expiration date."

Shanzae was silent for a while. Then she spoke unsurely, "I think she is scared. You're too closed off to the idea of a new prospective relationship. People have been sending proposals. In fact, some of them have been very good matches. But you've turned them all down."

A strange feeling rose up my chest. I closed my eyes, wanting a moment away from her eagle-like eyes. "I'm not averse to the idea." I looked up and found her smiling, hopeful. "But I just haven't found anyone worth my time. At least not yet."

She leaned forward and clasped my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, "But how would you find one if you don't keep an open mind."

"I promise I'll think about it next time I meet someone worth a shot." I nodded and Shanzae smiled. Her lips curled into a wide crescent.

"Lee-lee!" Just then Aly barged in through the door, her hands filled with chocolates. "I love coming to your office." She stomped towards us, balancing all the candy in her small arms.

"You do?" I dropped on my hunches and I was on eye level with her. "Well I love coming to your house."

"Will you come to our house? Mommy said I could show you all the clothes I got from Italy." Her eyes sparkled hopefully. "I even got a dress just like yours."

"Ah! That reminds me," Shanzae suddenly interrupted us, "I actually came here to invite you for a dinner party we're hosting at our house this weekend."

"A dinner party? Whatever for?" I sat back up on my seat, with Aly climbing into my lap. Throwing all the candy on the couch, she snuggled into me, her little body snug around my torso.

"Just a networking night really. The elections are next year. We need to start gathering support and funds."

My fingers combed through Aly's hair, a luscious mob of dark black curls, while her head rested against my shoulder, "Who is attending?"

"The usual. Politicians, businessmen, industrialists, Media moguls." Shanzae sounded bored. Ever since her childhood, Shanzae had had a strict aversion to social gatherings. But suddenly, her face shifted and she turned to me with excitement bubbling in her eyes. "Who knows, you might find someone there." Shanzae wriggled her brows suggestively.

"Oh man!" I left out a scared laugh. "Then it would be one night to remember. Won't it be, Aly?"

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Until next time, keep me in your prayers!

Namkeen 🥀