Chapter Nine
"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness."
- Ellen Goodman
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Dedicated to; KitkitMkb & nutty_nuts...
I hope this is the kind of 'fluff' you both wanted... ;)
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It was early in the evening when Manju heard the noisy engine of Suman's car come to stop outside the main door, she sighed in relief at the end of the tortures suspense and waited impatiently for the girl to walk in her room before dashing into the very same room and closing the door behind her.
"Mami, I will just change and come," Suman told her in a hurry, thinking that the menu of the dinner must be the reason why she was being hurried.
"That's not the problem, look, Suman, this box came for you," Manju said with a suspicious glare.
"What's this, Mami?" she asked looking down at the box she was being handed.
"How would I know? Why don't you open it yourself? I didn't look inside," Mami told her as she continued to linger around in an attempt to satisfy her curiosity.
After not finding any sender name on the box, with a frown Suman ripped off the gift wrap and opened it, only to find the note inside it. Ignoring what was inside the box, she picked up the note and a smile made its way to her lips as soon as she realized it was his writing.
'I have never seen you wearing a saree, so...'
That was all it said, shaking her head Suman smiled and the sight of her smiling so fondly while looking down at the note made Manju creep behind her and read what was written, not finding the name of the sender, she couldn't help but glare in skepticism at the girl who continued to smile bashfully as she looked down at the few words written on the note she had been holding for too long to it to be meaningless.
Without minding the woman standing next to her, Suman tenderly placed the note aside and pulled out the Gray and Rose Quartz net saree with pearl and crystal embroidered borders. It was classy and elegant, as always, he had chosen something beautiful for her to wear. He always had an eye for these things, the reason why she used to take him with her for shopping back then. It was him who used to choose clothes for her to wear at weddings, parties, or any event she used to attend with her family.
"Who has sent you this saree?" Manju asked with a glare, eyeing the saree enviously, making her snap her out of her fond memories.
"Mami, you remember, my best friend whom I used to shop with in high school?" She asked with a smile, knowing too well how envious and irritated Manju had always been of her whenever she had gotten praised for her selection of attire during the family events she had attended in her teens.
"Yeah, how can I forget that friend of yours," Manju muttered, remembering all the times when the transformation of the Jhalli - tomboyish niece of her husband had overshadowed her beautiful and feminine daughter. Suman had gathered a lot of attention by potential grooms and their mothers while wearing those beautiful dresses that she had gone to buy with that highly fashionable friend she had in high school.
"Shivani," she muttered the name bitterly, making Suman bit her lips to suppress a laugh, reminded of the female name she had given Shravan during high school because he feared of being teased for being good at shopping for girl's attire. Back then, despite how many times she had assured him that his would-be girlfriend and one day his wife would appreciate him for it, he still had chosen to hide it and the reason why no one apart from her knew about his talent in the perfect selection and having an eye for the most beautiful female attire one could find.
Not wanting to know anything more, Manju walked out of her room while muttered to herself whatnot. As soon as the door closed, her phone rang, she smiled at the timing, as if he somehow knew she was alone. Already knowing who it was, she picked up with a wide smile.
"Hi, Shivani," she said cheekily.
"Sumo, it's me," Shravan told her, frowning at her confusing him with someone else.
"I know, that's why I said, hi 'Shivani'," she said chuckling.
"Shivani?" He asked out loud before rolling his eyes, catching up, "really, Sumo?" he asked, annoyed, making her laugh out loud.
"You have to admit that I had chosen the perfect name for you back then," she said with a wide smile.
"Shut up," he muttered, covering his embarrassment, and even though she couldn't see him, she knew the tips of ears were red as they always were whenever he felt embarrassed or shy.
"Anyway, a saree?" She asked, changing the topic.
"Yes," he whispered back, unsure.
"Can we meet today?" she asked seriously, suddenly melancholic, unable to hold back the overwhelming feeling of gratitude she felt towards him for caring for her, for having him back in her life, but to him, the gravity in her voice only confirmed his fears of her returning his gift - one more thing she was going to reject, one more attempt of his gone wrong...
"In an hour?" He gave in with a heavy heart, saddened by the rejection he knew was coming his way.
"Later then," she ended the call in hurry, making him sigh and sulk at the thought of her politely returning his gift, contemplating if there was a way to avoid it but at the same time forcing him to not feel disappointed and disheartened if she did...
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She walked in the park with a wide smile, her eyes shining and face flushed with excitement. She spotted his tall silhouette soon enough, standing quietly with his back to her, he was busy in admiring the sun disappearing into the horizon while it painted the sky in shades of pink and warm orange as its farewell gift.
"Hey," she called him out as soon as she came to stand by his side, beaming at him as she looked up at him.
"Hey," he replied with a sigh as he looked back at her before averting eyes, anxious about what he thought was to come.
"Were you waiting for long?" She asked, realizing that her coming late to must be the reason why he was avoiding meeting her eyes.
"No," he replied quickly, shaking his head.
"Then? What happened?" She asked him with a frown, confused at the sudden silent treatment.
"You are going to return it, right?" He asked with a grimace, his eyes showing his disappointment.
"What? No. Why would you think so?" She asked confusedly, perplexed at his conclusion.
"Because you always do that, you never accept anything, not without a fight," he muttered with a scowl, his arms wrapped around his chest in a defensive manner, making her smile at his unneeded sulking.
"Okay, okay, I won't do it this time," she told him with a smile, making him turn to look at her for the first time, skepticism still visible in his eyes. The innocence in his gesture rivaling one of a child's made she laughed out loud and stand on her tiptoes to ruffle his hair as he tried to bat her hand away from his hair, crying out in protest as he laughed along with her.
"You know that you didn't have to, right?" She said when they both calmed down, smiles still present on their faces.
"Please, Sumo, don't start. It's just a saree," he pleaded, thinking that it must be her self-respect that was stopping her from accepting his gift in the same way she kept refusing his help of any kind.
"Okay," she gave in, and to lighten the mood she continued, "how did you find one so soon? Is selling saree a side business of yours?" She asked with a teasing tone in her voice.
"You remember that a few days ago I had gone to Agra? I had bought it then, but I couldn't give it to you because I didn't want to offend you," he told her quietly with an awkward shrug.
"Offend?" She asked confused, tilting her head to the side and look at him with a frown.
"Ever since that day, there is a line between us, it has always been there, but I had not realized it but now that I know, I don't want to overstep it. You're being independent, and it seems like the self-respect of yours has become an invisible wall between us," he said with hesitation, hoping the selection of his words and the timing he had chosen to talk about it wouldn't offend her greatly.
But he knew he messed up when he noticed the confused smile on her face being wiped away and being replaced with a grim expression. Closing his eyes, he sighed heavily, bothered by a distance between them that wasn't there when they were younger. He sighed in defeat, tired of being terrified of breaking the fragile relationship they had been trying hard to fortify, and before she could respond, he hurriedly continued;
"And while I do want that wall gone, I just don't want to cross the line laid by you, nor I want to offend you. And I would have done that by giving you a gift that you would refuse to accept which in return would have hurt me. And you know I can no longer handle the pain and rejection as well I used to. But at the same times, I could no longer keep that gift hidden in my closet, waiting for the day to come when I know you wouldn't reject it," he told her, hesitating as he revealed her the struggle going in between his heart, the cynic mind of his and the fear of rejecting that has been consuming him since - what to him seemed ages.
"I wish things were as simple as they were back then," he whispered with a heavy sigh.
The words held more meaning to it than he was letting on, she could for once understand the unsaid; his silent mourns and longing for the Sumo she used to be, the one he was used to, for what they used to be. His need to end his tiring wait, yet still facing the uncertainty his past and fears have inflicted upon him. He was already hiding the latter he had been preserving for years, but he no longer wanted to hide or hold back anything anymore.
But his longing and yearning for the old days, for her old self, was futile, she thought with sorrow because she could no longer go back to the person she used to be, she didn't want to. No longer she could be that demanding, no longer she could think that she had any right over him and everything that belonged to him; from his time, his unconditional devotion, to the unquestionable adoration, no longer she could pretend as if he had any obligation to help her out, to shower her with his undivided attention, affectionate gestures. She didn't want to go back to the times when he used to save his pocket money to only spend it by treating her with snacks, buying her favorite chocolate, or an expensive dress. She had never thought about it back then, never analyzed it because it seemed the most natural thing between them, but now she wasn't that girl anymore who would be on the taking side without feeling uncomfortable, without seeing herself as someone inconsiderate and callous...
It had taken her months and years to realize how unfair she had been to him, and she had tortured herself, pondering and analyzing everything that had happened between them to come to the conclusion that it was because she had thought it to be her right as if she owned him, he was hers and that's why she could demand from him anything; his time, attention, affection, anything he had to give as her devoted person, her only person. Back then between them, everything used to be so easy, natural as breathing that she had never given it a thought. But now she knew better, over the years she had changed and the life she had been living without him had taught her many things, made her realize his importance, hope and yearn for the chance to have him back in her life so that she could treat him better, to give back what she received, to cherish him as he always should have been...
"Shravan, I do appreciate everything you do, everything you are, you know that, right? I know you mean well, but I just can't be that Suman that I used to be anymore. I can't," she told him with a heavy sigh, shaking her head but when he looked at her with a frown, questions and longing visible in his eyes, she continued;
"You know what happened to her?" she asked him with a melancholic smile before continuing; "She was so used to your help that when you were gone, she felt as if she was invalid, incapable to do anything without you, she was lost and only then she had realized how much she depended on you, how much she had taken you for granted. It took her years to learn how to move around, how to get something done without you because you were no longer there to shield her from the heavy rain by holding an umbrella over her as you yourself stood in the cold rain wetting you," she whispered with misty eyes, remembering the countless times he had done something for her so selflessly with a smile, so naturally and so effortlessly that the importance of the gesture was overlooked by her and only when he wasn't there that she had realized what he was to her.
"Only when you were no longer there she had realized how heavy and cold the rain could be and then she had to learn to protect herself on her own and help herself. Your absence made her realize many things and forced her to acknowledge every taunt she had been ignoring for years, every flaw that she had overlooked, changing her into the person you have now before you," she told him quietly, with tears slipping from her eyes and a bearly visible smile.
"And I am never going to do anything that she did to you. I don't want you to feel as if I am using you or taking you for granted and I will never," she said with determination, revealing him her fear of losing him once again and the promise she had made to herself whenever she had thought of meeting him again.
"I will never," she promised more to herself than him, reminded of the cold and lonely nights she had pleaded all the higher powers for one more chance to have him back in her life so she could make him stay forever by treating him better, by cherishing him as he had deserved. From the past decade, she had been obsessing over the idea of making him stay so much that it had become a part of her...
"But still I don't get it," he told her as he looked at her with a confused frown, not fully aware of the potential of the promise she had just made to him.
"What all of that has anything to do with me giving you a gift or even helping you? For God's sake, you don't even let me pay for your coffee," he whined sweetly, finally letting out something that had been bothering him for months.
"You spending money on me, helping me makes me feel uncomfortable, Shravan. It makes me feel as if I am using you and taking you for granted as I had done back then," she whispered with regret and guilt audible in her voice.
She had been consumed by those two emotions for the past decade. The regret and guilt she had been feeling from the past decade had tortured her, changed her, and had become an integral part of her persona. She had let it change her into the girl she was now. Along with Mami's constant reminders of how ungratefully she had been acting, how much she owes people around her, and the memories of their time together haunting her, taunting her, she had become someone who rigidly and firmly stood by her beliefs and ideology she had cultivated into her. Uncompromising when it came to her self-respect, responsible, self-efficient, never letting anyone do anything for her. It now had become her habit she couldn't let go of, a part of her she couldn't ignore, not for anyone, not even for him...
"Suman Tiwari since when money has become an issue between us? Money had never been an issue between us," he said, sighing in frustration as he closed his eyes.
"There are so many other issues, do we really need one more?" He asked her, exasperated.
"There used to be no walls, no limits, no hesitation between us back then, why it is there now? Why now everything seems so fragile and breakable between us, Sumo?" He asked her quietly as he looked at her with the vulnerability that he had hidden well, finally letting down the wall that he had been keeping up between them.
"I know I have brought the past between us many times to taunt you but never have I thought that you will take it in the way you are. Sometimes I have felt used and taken for granted because of some of your actions, your lake of response, emotionally not monetary. Never. So, please, can you drop it?" He requested earnestly.
"Shravan, I can't. I really can't..." she whispered helplessly with a sigh.
"Why?" He asked intensely, sensing something in her voice he had never before, the defeated expression on her face breaking his heart.
"I don't know if it would change your perspective or if it would make the things worse but I had promised myself that I will become someone who won't need anyone else to help her out, someone who is stronger and self-sufficient so there is no trace of the past Sumo in me. I promised myself that I will do whatever I can to not let you feel that the relationship between is one-sided, I will never make you feel as if I don't care about you, about what you think, what you feel, because I do, Shravan, I always have, even back then. I had never been able to show you, but I always had," she whispered, her voice cracking in the middle, eyes misty as she blinked hard and looked away from him to hide away her tears.
"You know, as much as I may have complained about that Sumo, over the years, I have missed her greatly. She was my support system during the times when I wanted to escape and a distraction when I needed one. My person to go-to because somehow without me telling her, she used to become everything I needed. Someone I used to lean on, someone who heard me out, someone who gave me the needed strength to fight back or she just kept me busy with her nonsense talks," he said with a chuckle, sighing in longing before continuing;
"I always complain about her immature side but she was much more than that..." he told her quietly, wiping away the tears that kept slipping away her eyes as she looked at him in shock, amazed at the way he saw her past self, making him smile softly at the dazed expression on her face as he gently tucked her hair behind her ears.
"You and I both have to forgive her for her mistakes as we have forgiven me for mine, Sumo. And I have done countless unforgivable things, yet we have forgiven me, so please, forgive yourself too. Only then we will be able to move on," he whispered, gently taking hold of her hand as he looked down at her with a tender smile.
"And, please, don't be so harsh on that Sumo, she was my best friend before you. I may be more attached to her than I am to you," he said in a complaining tone, teasing her as his eyes crinkled in amusement.
"What?" She asked, shuttering as she looked at him with her mouth wide open, stupefied that not only he was taking the side of her immature younger self but also could entertain the idea of preferring her old self more than her.
"You have changed so much, Sumo, and sometimes I struggle with the changes, unable to understand how I should respond because you are so different than my Sumo. I can't understand you. Despite knowing that you are here, I still feel like I have to get to know you, understand you," he confessed with a bothered look on his face as he gazed down at her hand, gently caressing her fingers, confusing her with his words that indicated as if he thought of her as a stranger but at the same time, his gesture of affection and intimacy perplexed her more as he intertwined their fingers tightly with a soft smile before sighing and continuing as he looked up at her with a forlorn expression on his face.
"I don't know you, not as well as I know her. I know that Sumo more than you yourself do. I know you have changed and changed for the better, but I am glad I can still see my Sumo in you. I may have never told you before, but I am very fond of her, I have always been," he told her with a gentle smile, his eyes conveying his adoration for her younger self, suddenly reminding her of the love that he had expressed for her younger self in the letter he had written more than a decade ago, and had held close to his heart all these years despite what had happened between them and now even though she has proved to him of being better than her old self, he was still hesitating to hand her that latter, his trust, and his heart...
As she looked up at him while he looked somewhere far away with a soft smile on his lips, lost in reminiscing what seemed like an old memory, she felt extremely jealous of her own past self, the one he called 'his' Sumo, the one who still held so much power over him, a power that despite being the mature and humble version, she may never get close to having because the Shravan that he has become now was no longer as generous and as innocent as her Shravan was. He no longer had the giving heart to overlook her flaws, ignore her mistakes and that deepen her fear of doing something wrong, solidifying her belief that it was going to take only one mistake from her side and he would once again go back into the shell 'his' Sumo had pushed him into.
She slowly realized that she would never have the privilege that 'his' Sumo had; of being forgiven. Her flaws won't be overlooked nor her mistakes would be ignored. And that made her more terrified of making a mistake, more determined to make him fall for her and adore her more than her old self...
'This is so strange,' she thought with an amused smile, realizing how insane it was to think of her as two different people, to fight for his affection, to compete against with her old self. Shravan made her think and feel strange things, she realized as she looked up at him with a soft smile, making him gently squeeze the hand he had been holding with a fond smile on his face.
"So, you are going to wear that Saree for the party that we are forced to attend, right?" He inquired quietly, breaking the comfortable silence between them, waiting for a confirmation of the unasked request.
"Yes, I am," she responded with a shy smile, nodding and before he could notice she looked away in an attempt to hide away the blush dusting across cheeks, missing the smile that stretched his lips and enlightened his eyes beautifully.
"I can't wait," they had whispered to themselves when they parted that evening with a soft smile on their lips and a new excitement in their eyes.
So lost they were in the present, the feelings of having each other back in their life that they let the biggest revelation of that day pass without them realizing it. But that could wait for the day when they would look back to the conversation happened between them that evening and smile tenderly at each other, realizing that despite all those years they had lived apart, so far away from each other, yet the both of them have lived their lives in a way that made themselves - their younger selves; 'his' Sumo and 'her' Shravan - the only standard to match with, the only competition, the only rival they were ever going to have...
A day yet to come...
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A/N:- Ahhh, finally, done with this chapter, now I hope you all liked it and enjoyed it...
It was one of pending conversation between them, something I desperately wanted to happen between ShraMan especially when her self-respect, self-sufficiency, effects of her past were questioned and seen as pride/arrogance and when his old habit and desperation to helping her out and his devastation of losing that right was seen as male ego/unrequired/needless...
It was something I had long 'discussions' on IF forum with people, sounding way too defensive and maybe couldn't even express my point of view clearly. Finally, I have a found a mean and way to express what I meant, what I wanted to happen between them because there is no "right one and wrong one" between them, there were just miscommunications, misunderstandings, heartbreaks leading to lash outs.
I so desperately wanted her to let him know the reasons why she was the way she was so he could see the difference in between the past Sumo whom he was too used to and the now Suman who has grown up to become a better person and that she wasn't refusing/rejecting/pushing him away by denying his help. The both of them had to understand that there was no need for one of them to be wrong for the other to be the right, that they only needed a good communication system, acceptance, forgiveness and finally letting go of the past and moving on together...
I would love to know your point of view on the matter and if you agree or not, if you are liking where this story is heading to or not... So please, leave a comment or two to let me know... :)
I hope you all liked the update...Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, and patience... *Hugs*
Thank you! :)
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