Freedom


The light.... Even though it is now my strength, I won't lie. I feel lost inside. I can't explain why, but I do. I know I don't have to, I know I am not lost, but found. Found by the light, but still I feel lost. I don't deserve the light, walking on the narrow path without shadows or cracks or rocks that could trip me up. Or maybe they're still there, but the light warns me of them. I can see them coming and know to step around them or over them. But sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I'm too tired to take a different route or lift my feet above the rocks. I walk right into the traps and end up sprawled on the ground, crying out to the light but knowing I don't deserve a hand up.

Still, I get it. The light graciously extends its warmth to me no matter how far off the path I've fallen, how much darkness surrounds me again. I need this light, but sometimes I'm just so stubborn. I can't change overnight. I know that often when I turn from the light and do my own thing for a while, claw back some darkness and semblance of my old life, I don't care if the light's heart breaks. I don't care that I'm hurting it.

Other times I do care. I care so much about hurting the light that I hate what I'm doing, hate myself. I know the light doesn't want me to feel this way; it wants me to love myself and others just like it loves me.

But guilt still plagues me. It crawls into my mind at night when I'm trying to sleep and eats away at my newly-found peace. I can't seem to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made that have hurt others. No matter how many times the light assures me I'm forgiven, I can't seem to accept that fact. Can't comprehend that the light wants to hold me close after all the terrible things I've done and still do. But it does. The light holds on to me, and I try to hold on for dear life; God knows I'm trying.

Please, just let me stay in the light forever. I want to walk far from the shadows and darkness that do nothing but destroy. I want to be held safely in the arms of light as I walk in this crazy world, on this narrow path. I want to hold my head high and own the light; I want to shine brightly for what I now believe in, for what the light tells me is truth.

I want to reflect the light, let it shine through the transparency of my newly-awakened heart – the heart that still has its flaws and failures, but is surging with strength and hope and love that only the light can give.

I want to smile with a joy that springs from within, from the light within me. I want to show you the peace that I now have behind this smile.

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