https://youtu.be/jbZmMDj6iUM

[Listen to it while reading]

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today I hear that sound again

it's ringing again, that sound

a crack again on this frozen lake

I dumped myself into the lake

I buried my voice for you

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I tried to cover my ears and drift back to my sleep. The flashbacks of my traumatized childhood keep coming back.

The place that I thought of coverage and home started turning into a place of fear and pain. Because of my childhood trauma, I am unable to build a bond with another person and also can't trust that person, because of the fear that it will beak sooner or later anyway.

I had spoken out and screamed for help too much, which made me lose my voice and now I am unable to open up towards them. It is my excuse to keep the silence, to keep my truth from being exposed.

My past is the pain because my silence is making me suffer. I am losing my voice because of fear. I keep the silence because I am able to endure the pain, but the effects on my body are something that I can shut off just like that.

My physical pain is getting too much, and I lost my voice due to putting on diverse masks making my true self fade away in the background whilst my love can only see the masks but sense something wrong.

Moving on a frozen lake, about to break, which will make me fall into where I cannot escape by myself and will be helplessly left to endless sleep. The remembrance of why I am silenced hits me because I fear that I will make it worse and I won't be able to bear losing them. But we two can only meet at one point when we are open and honest with each other, but I don't want to do it, because silence is easier and I don't want to risk anything.

I fell into the lake.

I feel the coldness that making me empty towards the outside freezing any feelings and thoughts, which made me lose myself. Even though the ice was thick, it broke, even though it seemed to be safe.

I see myself in the lake because I am yet in that emptiness. I cannot free myself out of there. It might be my young self trapped in there but that needs to be freed in order to start a relationship, but I do not have the ability to trust them and there is yet a secret in the relationship.

I feel like I should bury whatever I had experienced in the past but can I endure my memories filled with the pain and fear and sound that keeps appearing. If I get them in return for losing myself, then sooner or later, I know that that relationship will break anyways.

I will not bear to open up because I am afraid of them not healing my inner wound and insecure child.

I am gaining hope for spring to appear. Warmth is the only option for me. I won't be able to open up right away but I will accept the melting of ice in the end and my inner child which is trapped under the ice has to be freed so I can move normally in my life, or else I would be again taken over by my silence and the distance as well as the fear of losing the ones I love in whom I see the warmth.

Is that the pain I built up in my imagination or am I overreacting? Is it actually meaningless?

I tried to open up to my past. I didn't end the conflict between my parents and it is too late now, and I am fearing of my own relationship with my love to break apart as well.

My agony was caused by me keeping the silence and hiding an untold story inside myself. The masks I kept putting on is the secrecy behind an insecure and hurt child who is looking for warmth that I hide. If would have been able to tell the untold story, I would've been able to take off my mask and would have end my pain, but the fear stopped me from it.

[That's a freaking amazing Gucci earring Kim fucking Tae-Hyung: A/N]

(Don't try to hide anything but share it with others because it is better than suffering alone- Author nim, Cherry)