Chapter 24

Greta stayed with us for just under a week. It was long enough for us to show her around town once Abbie had started to feel better, and it helped remind me why I missed having her around.

She wasn't my blood, but she was a far better mother than mine would ever be.

Having her around had also proved a much-needed distraction from all the chaos in my life, but once she left, everything was still there, right where I'd abandoned it.

In the days that followed, the countless messages my phone was receiving began to gradually subside when people realized that I wasn't going to reply.

Ryan, however, didn't give up that easy.

While the first few days were hard, reading and ignoring his frequent pleas to see me, I knew it was for the best. I struggled with grasping just how much he had come to mean to me in just a short period of time, but I knew that, no matter how difficult it was, I needed to put aside my feelings and see the bigger picture.

After almost a week of one-sided communication, I finally plucked up the courage to send a single message in reply.

Ryan, there is no doubt in my mind that I love you - please understand that. You are on my mind constantly, and I find myself missing you when everyone has fallen asleep and I'm left all alone with my thoughts. You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but you're also one of the most terrifying.

The life you live is extravagant and public, and while I know we can try to fade behind the rest of Hollywood's drama, I want to make sure that, whatever I decide, is best for me and Abbie. I don't know what I'd do if something else happened to her, and she's the most important person in my life.

I've told you I need space, and I mean it. I want to figure this all out on my own terms, and I'm sorry. I promise you, that when a path clears, you'll be the first one to know.

The message was sent, and nearly a day later, a simple reply came through from Ryan.

I understand. Just know that I love you Zoe.

Those simple words were almost enough to have me drive the distance between our houses. They were short, self-explanatory, and what I'd wanted to hear, but they also tore my heart apart. I was putting him through so much unnecessary pain, by loving me, and I felt like the most horrid person.

That night, once I'd tucked an almost-healed Abbie into bed, I crawled into my own bed, noticing that while the scent was no longer prominent, the remains of Ryan's woodsy aftershave still lingered on his side of my bed. Settling my head onto his pillow, I breathed in the scent, drowning in it as it embraced every nerve in my body until I felt drops of water streaming down my cheeks.

I cried for us, for what could've been and what may never be again.

I fell asleep with tearstains etched onto my face, and when I forced my tired eyes open the next morning, there wasn't a single message on my phone. The communication between Ryan and I had come to a standstill, and maybe it was for the best, at least for the time being.

And so life went on.

Colette and I agreed that it was apt to I cut my hours at the café while things continued to die down. I still worked a few shifts here and there when the business was slower and the possibilities of being bombarded by the public were at a low, but as March approached, I was more concentrated on my placement at The Historical Press.

A majority of my classes had finished up with a final test after only two months, letting me and my classmates focus solely on gaining the experience we needed to propel our careers forward, though we still had a few assignments due through online submissions.

It was intimidating and overwhelming, standing in front of the journal's headquarters on the first Monday of March. The building was fairly large for a lesser-known company, but they had done quite well for themselves, having started writing and publishing from the basement of a small two-story house. Now, with a five level building in the heart of downtown, they were thriving with their exposes on the importance of remembering the past, stating that the more we understand about our beginnings, the greater our future will become.

Hitching my workbag higher on my shoulder, I took a deep breath, smoothing out my blouse before stepping through the glass doors and into the lobby. There were quite a few people who glanced my way as they stepped onto the elevator while I nervously made my way to the front desk.

After talking to the receptionist, I slowly began to relax when my boss, Caroline, came down to meet me and show me around. Unlike some supervisors, who were driven and professional, she was incredibly friendly and somewhat laid-back. The atmosphere of the journal was surprisingly casual, though everyone was still focused on writing the best content for their readers and worked their hardest while in the office.

Once the tour and brief introductions to some of the other staff were done with, Caroline led me to a small alcove on the third floor. There was a sleek black desk, accompanied by an armchair and a few new bits of stationary for my use.

It wasn't much, considering the extensive layouts that other employees around me had, but I was grateful for the opportunity. Everyone had to start somewhere, and it just so happened that my somewhere was here.

The days spent working at The Historical Press were hard, with several responsibilities being thrown my way right off the bat, but it was also eye-opening. My co-workers and supervisors were putting their trust in me, and I felt obliged to give them my best work.

Plus, the experience proved to be an excellent distraction from letting my thoughts drift to Ryan.

I quickly developed a new routine. I'd wake up and start my day, dropping Abbie off at daycare before braving the downtown traffic, picking up a coffee on the way to work. A few of my co-workers had invited me out to lunch once or twice, though I'd usually object in favour of packing my lunch and saving a few dollars that could be of use down the road. When I'd find free time between researching and drafting article ideas, I would make way on some of my final projects for my degree, e-mailing my former professors for advice and clarity on what they expected of me.

Before I knew it, three weeks had passed.

Packing up my things after a particularly busy Friday afternoon, replying to an influx of messages and reviewing a few too many ideas I'd written down, Caroline stopped me before I could step onto the elevator.

Turning to face her as the doors sealed shut, my expression was curious as I asked, "Is there anything wrong?"

"Oh no," she shook her head in reply, a smile blooming on her face, "In fact, quite the opposite. The piece you submitted on Monday showed great potential, and while I did make a few notes for you to go over next week, I just wanted to tell you that I think there's a spot in our next issue for it."

My eyes grew wide in surprise. It was clear, after the helpful guidance of Caroline, that my work did need a lot of work, and I certainly hadn't expected to be published in such a short amount of time. "Really?"

She nodded, amused by my excitement. "Really," she affirmed. "You've improved immensely in these past weeks, and your article is on track with the theme of our next issue. If it's alright with you, I'd like you to sit in on our meeting Monday morning to get a taste of how the publishing process works and what will be expected of you."

The words were like music to my ears, and I found myself nodding before she even finished her explanation. "Of course, I'll be there."

"Glad to hear it," she said, bidding me farewell as the elevator doors slid open again, "Have a good weekend Zoe."

"You too," I said in response as I stepped into the lift, letting the doors close before a wide smile burst across my face.

Riding the elevator down to the ground floor, accomplishment floored my mind, and there was nothing that could be done to dampen the high that I'd begun to ride.

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The feeling of euphoria was still flowing readily through my veins when I arrived home that night, excited to tell Emily the news, and well on until I was shaken awake the following morning.

Being pulled from my dreams, my eyes fluttered open to see my daughter climbing up on top of the covers. She seemed extremely excited, and she had the right to be. Not only was it a Saturday, which meant that we'd no doubt be spending the day together, today was also her fourth birthday.

"G'morning momma," she chirped, lisping her words together while a splitting grin formed on her lips.

She was wearing a pair of pink pajamas and her blond curly hair had yet to be tamed of frizz, which meant that she'd only just rolled out of bed before waking me up.

"Good morning sweetie," I replied, hugging her closer to me as I decided to tease her a tiny bit. "What's got you so happy this morning?"

Abbie giggled when my fingers poked at her side, her eyes shining bright with happiness. "You know it's my birthday," she said through numerous fits of laughter.

"Oh, that's right," I said jokingly, pretending to have suddenly remembered, "You're four today, aren't you? Practically a grown up."

Abbie nodded, proud at the notion of being another year older. She'd grown up so much right under my nose that it seemed like yesterday when I was holding her in my arms as a newborn baby. Looking at her now, it was startling to realize that she was growing up, and would be off to school in just a few short months.

"When are people coming over?" Abbie asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

Sparing a quick glance to the clock resting near my bed, I rolled my eyes, seeing that it was only just after seven, and she was already excited for her party.

Deciding to celebrate a little more than a simple dinner in and a small birthday cake, I'd taken the liberty to organize a small party for her later that afternoon. It wouldn't be anything big or extravagant, but Colette and Dustin were joining the three of us for dinner, and I'd ordered an ice cream cake that Emily would pick up just before the party.

Abbie was aware of all of this, but what she didn't know was that I'd stayed up a few hours after she'd gone to sleep, blowing up balloons, hanging streamers, and decorating the downstairs so that she'd receive the entire thrill of having a birthday party.

I smiled, pulling myself up into a sitting position in the bed, maneuvering Abbie so that she sat on my lap. "Nobody's coming over until this afternoon sweetie," I said, rushing to continue as I saw her expression veer sad in response, "But, if we head downstairs now, I'm sure I can work some magic and get a special breakfast made for the birthday girl."

Her mood lifted instantly, grabbing my hand in a hurry to drag me out from underneath the covers. I followed her downstairs, letting her take the lead as I watched her happy expression turn to one of awe, taking in the decorations I'd scattered over the entirety of the downstairs. Abbie didn't have just one favourite colour, she liked them all, and with that in mind, I'd stuck to a rainbow theme for her special day.

She stayed quiet while she took it all in, her mouth agape with wonder.

"And there's the birthday girl," Emily exclaimed as the two of us turned into the kitchen.

She was standing in front of the stove, spatula in hand, as she made Abbie's favourite breakfast – chocolate chip pancakes. Abbie's hand fell from mine as she rushed up closer to the counter, standing on her tiptoes next to Emily to get a better look at the pancakes as they cooked.

Emily placed her hand on Abbie's shoulder, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. "Happy birthday Abbie."

The lights in Abbie's eyes were shining bright as her head swiveled towards me. She was elated, without a care in the world, and I wanted to do anything I could to make this day one to remember.

Hours later, after rounds of food, laughter, and letting her open a few small presents early, Abbie's small birthday party had begun. To her, it didn't matter that the only people there to celebrate her birthday were people that were years older than her. She was the center of attention, and she loved it.

Dustin and Colette had both arrived around three 'o'clock, both of them carrying a present for the birthday girl.

"Is it time for cake yet?" Abbie asked with wide-eyes, turning to me as everyone cast me a look of amusement.

When Emily had brought home her birthday cake hours before, it had taken me quite a bit of persuasion to stop Abbie from digging into it right then and there.

I shook my head, a smile curving on my face. "The pizza's not even here yet Abbie," I said, smoothing down her hair as I shifted closer to her on the couch. "The cake is for dessert."

"But can't we have dessert before dinner?"

"I don't think that's how it works," Emily replied, and when the doorbell suddenly rang, she stood up from her seat beside Dustin, "I'll get it."

"See," I said, poking Abbie's side gently, "I'm sure that's the pizza, and once we're done eating you can have as much cake as you want."

Her grin spread wide in excitement, and I found a vast amount of amusement in my daughter's craving for sugar, laughing along with Colette and Dustin until Emily reentered the living room with another guest behind her.

"So..." Emily spoke carefully, causing a shift in the atmosphere, "It wasn't the pizza guy."

My lungs tightened up and I stopped breathing for a moment. At first glance, everything I'd tried so hard to sort through and all the feelings I'd pushed to the back of my mind came flooding back in a rocky wave. It was hard to see him standing there, knowing that when I had pushed away his brother, I pushed away him as well.

Abbie was oblivious to the tensely charged air as she wiggled out from my hold and scurried her way towards him. "Dean!" she greeted eagerly, throwing herself into his arms as he bent down to hug her, "Are you here for the party?"

"I didn't even know there was a party going on," he replied, his expression not wavering as he cast a glance in my direction, meeting my eyes with a jolting familiarity. "I Just wanted to come by a wish you a happy birthday."

"Well you can stay, can't you?" Abbie asked, her tone begging, "Can't he momma?"

I let the air out of my lungs, clearing my throat as I nodded slowly. "Sure," I said, trying my best to keep my voice level, "You can stay if you want."

He seemed to sense my apprehension, as did most of the others in the room, but when Abbie let out a cheer of delight, he was stuck, just as I was. Neither of us could say no to her, especially not today.

So he moved further into the room, bringing Abbie with him as he took a seat next to Dustin, starting up a conversation with him. I noticed him shoot a surreptitious gaze my way as Emily settled down next to me, sending me a worried gaze herself.

My mind was reeling, and I knew that wishing Abbie a happy birthday wasn't the only reason Dean had shown up here, but that it had just as much to do with mine and his brother's broken relationship.

"Are you sure this is alright?" Emily asked in a hushed whisper.

Moving my head to the side in a subtle gesture, I bit my lip and stayed quiet. We both knew that, since the night at the hospital over a month ago, I'd spent countless hours thinking of ways that I could make my relationship with Ryan work without the eyes of the public. I'd reluctantly fallen flat with ideas, and had resorted to pushing all the good memories we shared to the back of my heart, hoping that time would be a good enough cure for a broken heart.

The truth was that time wasn't helping; I was simply avoiding the truth, and with Dean here, everything I was pushing down was starting to splash to the surface.

When the doorbell sounded again, I was the one who stood from my seat, mumbling that I'd get it. Luckily, it wasn't another Adams brother, because I didn't know what I'd do if Ryan had shown up here. Would I have pushed him away again, or let him back into my life? The pizza guy wasn't looking for those sorts of answers however, just a simple cash tip and friendly business before he was back on his way.

Setting the pizza down on the coffee table, I let my mind drift away from Ryan as Colette pulled me into a conversation about my placement. It reignited a spark of happiness, explaining to her what my boss had told me the day before.

Throughout dinner and well on until the six of us finished off the ice cream cake, I could feel Dean's gaze flick towards me on occasion. It wasn't often, but was frequent enough for me to take notice, considering his appearance had put me on high alert.

My suspicions were confirmed when Abbie finished opening her presents, a wide grin stuck on her face as her eyes casted over the pile of opened gifts in front of her. Colette had bought her an easy bake oven, which had boosted her spirits as she opened it, seeing the small packages of treats that she could now create, while Emily and Dustin had gone splits on a cute little gift basket. It had a few treats, a new pair of slippers, and stuffed rabbit that talked when you squeezed its stomach.

Having opened a few of my smaller gifts earlier, when I handed her a giant gift bag, she unwrapped several new items of clothing that would serve her well as the weather started to warm up, as well as a new doll that she'd had her eye on the last time we'd gone to the mall.

"Thank you," Abbie said cheerfully, going around to give us all hugs.

When she reached Dean, who hadn't given her anything, he gave her a tentative smile. "You seem to have forgotten a few presents Abbie," he said, reaching down next to him. He grabbed a pink gift bag that had been tucked behind his chair. One I hadn't noticed was there up until now.

Handing her a handful of unwrapped sweets and chocolates that had been tied together with a piece of ribbon, she readily accepted them in excitement. "These are from me," he said slowly, before continuing as he handed her the rest of the bag, "But this is from someone else who wanted you to have a great birthday."

"Ryan?" she asked, beaming as she sat cross-legged on the floor and begun to tear the tissue paper apart.

Dean's eyes lifted to mine for a moment, as I sat still in my seat, nodding in confirmation before watching her unwrap the present. It felt like a punch to the stomach when she pulled out the present with joy, resting the kid's science kit on her lap. Ryan had told me that, along with the model planes that he would build, those kits were something he could spend hours doing as a kid, and now he'd given one to Abbie.

Desperately in need of a moment alone, I retreated to the kitchen while Abbie turned to show the box to Emily, asking her to help with opening it.

I needed to clear my head, which was racing with a thousand thoughts at once.

With me eyes closed and my senses unfocused while I evened out my breathing, I braced my hands against the kitchen counter, not noticing that someone had followed me.

"He drove me here you know." My shoulders stiffened and my head propped up as he spoke, his voice low and void of emotion. "He wanted to come in, but I had to be the one to tell him it probably wasn't the best idea."

"Dean..." I whispered achingly, turning around slowly to meet his eyes. They were the same piercing green as his brother's, sending a sharp pain directly to my chest.

He shook his head. "I'm not here to get an apology out of you or to make you feel bad," he said, siding up next to me, leaning back against the counter with just a few inches of space separating us. He was more than four years younger than me, but the conviction in his voice and the look on his face had me wary of what he had to say. "I'm here because I knew that you wouldn't listen to my brother, so I want you to listen to me."

I swallowed as Dean paused, though I kept my eyes focused on the tiled floor. "I'm listening."

"Ryan doesn't get close to a lot of people," he started with. "He has friends from when he was younger, but ever since he started acting he feels like he can't trust that many people. He'll be friendly with his co-stars, since they're in a similar situation as him, but normal people like you don't catch his eye often. In all honesty, he should've been leery of you when he met you, but he wasn't. He saw something in you that he liked and just rolled with it."

"He told me about you after he brought you to the wedding, and I knew that he was starting to fall for you. It was obvious. He spoke about you like you were a breath of fresh air, like someone who he'd known forever instead of just a few weeks." He wavered for a minute, his shoulders relaxing. "The night of my basketball game, after he'd asked you out, he was on the phone with our mom for almost an hour, nervously asking her where he should take you that wasn't too flashy and would be hidden away from the press."

"I'd never seen my brother as happy as he was when he was with you. He was focused on his career a lot before you walked into his life, and I don't know what you did, but you brought him back to normality. Ryan was starting to forget what it was like to just be a normal guy in love with a normal girl, and you want to know what the worst part about this is?"

I shook my head, feeling my throat lodge up and water spring to my eyes.

"You broke his heart over something that was out of his control," he said earnestly, "And even if he wanted to fix everything, he can't, because none of this was his fault."

It felt as though he'd just dumped a bucket of ice water over me. The oxygen was dragged from my lungs as my perception shifted on its axis. My body was hollow as my jumbled thoughts aligned, letting me see what had always been right in front of me.

Everything that had happened was enough to scare me into believing the first thing that came to mind, causing me to put all the blame on Ryan. Truthfully, nothing had been his fault. My parents were at fault for putting the idea in my head that Ryan may not be good for me, the press and Ryan's curious fans were to blame for the news articles and comments that had surfaced about our relationship, and the relentless paparazzi were to blame for the ambush that had put Abbie in the hospital.

Ryan had been there for me through everything, right up until I foolishly pushed him away.

"What happened to the little brother that laughed at his brother's pain?" I choked out, chuckling softly as I wiped away the tears that had begun to fall from my eyes. "I didn't think it'd matter to you if I left."

His expression cracked, the sides of his lips pulling upwards. "Abbie's grown on me," he shrugged, "Plus, I wouldn't mind having you as a sister some day."

My cheeks flushed a soft shade of pink as I ducked my head, leaning my head on his shoulder. I felt his arm wrapped around the base of my back, and while it didn't provide the same warmth that Ryan's hold did, it brought comfort to me.

"Do what you need to do Zoe," Dean whispered sincerely, "Just know that my brother won't wait around forever."

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Tucking Abbie into bed later that night, Dean's words were playing constantly in my head, like an echo that just didn't want to stop.

"Did you have a good birthday sweetie?" I asked, pulling the covers up and over her body.

She nodded sleepily, yawning as she snuggled further into her blankets. "Why didn't Ryan come momma?"

The question surprised me; I hadn't expected it, and with everything cluttering my mind, I didn't know how to explain it to her. She'd asked about him over the past month, when he'd been visibly absent, and I'd managed to dodge the questions with short replies. This time, however, I couldn't find it in my heart to lie.

"Because love is complicated, and sometimes, it makes a mess of us."

Her eyebrows scrunched up, not fully understanding. "Do you love him?"

There was no question as to whether or not my feelings had changed, because my heart still beat faster at the mention of him. "Of course I do."

Leaning down, I could see her eyes falling shut when I pressed my lips against her forehead. "Then tell him momma," she said tiredly. "I miss him."

"I miss him too," I said quietly, my words scattering into the silence that surrounded us.

Abbie was asleep not long after, and shutting the door to her room, I sunk back against the wall. The day had been chaotic and eye-opening, Dean's appearance making me understand the errors I'd made when dealing with the situation. All I had wanted to do was clear my head, but I'd somehow succeeded in creating an even bigger mess.

Before I lost the courage that was giving me a clear mindset, I headed down the stairs, grabbing my keys on the way to the front door.

"Hey," I said, hovering in the entrance of the living room, waiting as both Emily and Dustin's heads turned to face me, "Would you guys mind watching Abbie if she wakes up?"

My hands were fidgeting as Emily's eye scanned my face curiously, before landing on the keys in my left hand. Understanding flowed through her, a soft smile pulling at her lips. "Sure," she said encouragingly, "Just don't mess this up."

There was only one place that she knew I could be headed, and I bit my lip before turning towards the door. "I'll try not to."

It wasn't all that late in the evening, though the sun had already set. The stars were beginning to appear in the darkness above, and as I drove down the familiar route to my destination, my shaky fingers were gripping the steering wheel tightly.

I hadn't rehearsed what I was going to say, but I knew that I had to do something to fix this, before it was too late.

Pulling into the driveway, it took a few seconds for my heartbeat to level out. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the driver's door open, walking slowly up to the front door. Bringing my hand up to knock, I was sent reeling backwards when the door opened before my hand could even meet the wood.

And just like that, as a woman's face greeted me, fragments of my heart began to chip away, falling down to join the pool of panic in my stomach.

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This story is coming to an end quickly with only one chapter left. Who do you guys think is at the door, and why? Will everything be resolved, or will Ryan and Zoe's relationship continue to crumble?

I have decided to work on the next chapter of Staying Afloat before typing out the final chapter of this story, though I should be done with both by next weekend!