I feel ill. My palms are wet with sweat, my head aches with the pounding of the rhythm of my heart that is racing. I turn on my phone, but nothing. No text no missed calls. Would she really end her life and not even attempt to say goodbye?

My emotions fluctuate between terror and anger. I focus on my anger, as it's far less debilitating than the other. "Come on Brynn! Where would you go? Give me a hint, a clue, anything!"

I try to clear my head and focus on our time together. She would need to go someplace where she could also be alone. That narrowed my choices down some. I stop at the deserted playground where we had our do over date, where she beat me at basketball by cheating.

What was it that she said to me then? "Make a memory. That's all we got in this life."

My heart and head are filled with memories of her. The way she laughs, how her smile lights up a room. Our tickle fights, how she knocked me off the bed and stole Cuddles and my heart. How she held my hand and kept me focused when I cut my head so I didn't pass out. How she jumped in my arms when I won the game.

"Damn it, Brynn. I can't lose you."

I get out of the car and take a look around at the empty courts, the motionless swings. There is not a soul around to even ask if they have seen her. I don't waste any time I jump back in the car. I demand my scrambled brain to think..."Where?"

The fish hatcheries.

I drive where we had our first make-out session remembering how it was her idea to come here. My brain recalls how sugary donuts taste on her lips. This is torture. I get out and search the area. Her car is nowhere to be seen. I ask passersby if they've seen her. Showing them her picture on my phone.

"The streak in her hair may be a different color, and the style is a little shorter but..."

"Sorry man. Haven't seen her."

"Yeah... thanks."

I stare at her picture as I sit in the car. It doesn't surprise me that no one has seen her. She was always good at blending in, being translucent.

"Blending in?!"

Our High school springs to mind, our first kiss on the stage behind the curtain, how she loved those elephant leg props, our tree in the courtyard. I turn the car on and race towards the school.

It's a Friday night, with no events going on, the place is locked uptight. I get out of the car and look through the front gate. I don't see her sitting by our tree. I look at my phone again. Maybe Adam is wrong. Maybe I don't mean as much to her as he believes.

"Brynn, where can you be?"

I rest my head against the cold metal of the fence. My heart won't let me give up.

What if she found a way in?

I climb and hop the fence grateful my ankle has healed when I pound dirt. I start checking every door, every window but nothing. There isn't a single way into the school, that's accessible.

I circle around to the back of the school and then around to the side where the faculty parking lot is and our dirt track. This parking lot is usually left open because many people use the track to practice, even on the weekends but no one is here this late at night which is why I'm surprised to see a car parked... no, wait... not just a car... her car.

I go running. I skid and slam into it. Looking in I find it empty. I step back and hear something crunch under my feet. I look down and see her phone, smashed. She looks like she ran the damn thing over. Probably hoping to destroy it so her Dad couldn't track her here. I pick it up and touch the hood of the car. It's still slightly warm. She's got to be here. She can't be far.

"Brynn!" I yell out but no response. "Come on! Brynn where are you?!"

Just then I hear a train whistle. The TRACKS! The empty boxcars! Of Course!

I dash across the parking lot and up the hill. I start searching every car. I don't remember which one she took me to and it is too dark to see. All the light shines from the other side of the tracks.

I use my phone as a flashlight. I spy a symbol on the side of one car I'd swear I've seen before. I run over and throw open the door to find Brynn sitting there staring at me with a shocked expression and a tear-stained face.

"Oh God! Brynn!" I leap into the car and grab her pulling her up to her feet. I scan her over briefly for any signs of harm. When she appears to be in one piece I crush her in my embrace.

"How did you...?" she whispers.

I pull her away from me.

"What the FUCK were you thinking?!" I yell, shaking her by her arms. She just stares at me blankly and it infuriates me.

"Do you have any idea what you've done?! To your grandmother, to Adam, your Dad... ME?!"

"I..."

"What would make you disappear like that?!" My fear is demanding answers but my anger won't let her respond. When I see her wincing in pain I realize how tightly I'm holding on to her arms and let her go, ashamed that I hurt her.

The moment I let go of her she dives in and clinches me around my waist, tears streaming down her face as she burrows in. "I'm sorry, Finn. I'm so sorry."

The fight whooshes out of me and I drop to my knees with Brynn and just hold her close as she cries. I wrap my arms protectively around her and cradle her head against my chest.

"I thought... I feared... I lost you forever!" I whisper in her hair. "What made you run away like that?"

She looks so lost when her eyes meet mine.

"What is it, Brynn? Whatever it is we'll deal with it together," I say stroking her hair out of her face, cupping her cheeks in my hands so she is forced to look at me.

"It's over." She gets out. Her voice sounds so hoarse from crying.

"Over? What's over?" Once again she's talking in her usual cryptic fashion.

"Everything."

"Brynn you're not making any sense. What are talking about?"

She pulls away, stands and turns her back on me. Her arms wrap around her body in a protective stance. She's in so much pain but I don't know how to make it stop.

"Is this about Gran?"

She shakes her head no.

I stand. Struggling to figure out this mystery she has posed.

"Your Dad?"

Again no.

I pull on her shoulder to turn her around. "Then tell me!"

"You," she says her head down as she stares at her shoes.

"Is this because I went to the prom with Paris? Because Brynn you know I don't have feelings for her." I rest my hands on her shoulders but she refuses to look up at me and again she is shaking her head.

"I know your Dad has stepped in. Put a lot of restrictions on you, on us but damn it, Brynn, you have to know I'd wait for you forever. You'll be eighteen soon and then..." once again she shaking her head in denial and it's driving me insane.

"What?! What is it then?!" I tilt her face up so once again she has to face me.

"Finn, I have cancer."

"What?!" Whatever I thought she was going to say, it wasn't that. I stumble back a little.

"The cancer my mom died from is hereditary. Every year I go for a checkup because I'm considered a high risk. I've had a few close calls but the follow-ups always came back benign, just not this time."

I stood and stared at her for several seconds trying to force my brain to process what she's trying to tell me. "But they caught it early right? So there are treatments and ... can't they fix this?"

She shrugs. "It is in my genes, Finn. Because my mother died of it, my great grandmother too. I carry that mutated gene. It makes me a high risk for both Breast Cancer and Ovarian Cancer."

"Which do you have?"

"Ovarian Cancer."

"It's treatable?"

She turns those sad eyes on me. "Yes, but Finn even if they cure me it can reoccur at any time. I could still get breast cancer too. What is the point? I watched my mom suffer through it all. I know the pain my grandmother and I went through. My father's world collapsed. I ... I don't want anyone else to have to go through that pain."

My fear and anger mingle again. "So what? You thought killing yourself the answer to everyone's problem?"

"Killing myself?"

"Adam called me. He was terrified when you called to say good-bye. Your Gran too."

"No, I'm too much of a coward to kill myself. I just wanted to disappear. I packed my things. I was just going to leave and never come back again."

"Leave? Home? Your family? Me?"

She looks away again.

"You weren't even going to say goodbye, were you?"

"Finn look at you. Look at how you are right now when you thought I might be hurt or dying. Well one day, possibly even soon I may be both. My mother suffered. I could do nothing to ease her pain. I knew she was dying and I couldn't make it stop. Not with all the prayers in the world. Please don't ask me to do that to you."

I storm up to her. "I'm not asking? I'm telling you. If you told me that you only had the next 5 minutes to live. I'd want to be right here. Right where I am, right now. Only I wish I was doing this."

I reach out and pull her close. I grab her by the nape of her neck and tilt her head back to claim her mouth with my own. My hands wind in her hair and her hands press against my chest. She tries to push me away but I won't let her. I won't ever let her push me away again. Not until she sees. Not until she feels what she means to me.

Brynn surrenders and I pull her in even closer. I wrap my arms around her. She not only gives in but also kisses me back and I am undone. She owns me body and soul. It's after several minutes that I reluctantly pull away.

"Don't you understand it's too late to go back now, Brynn. I need you like I need the air I breathe. I go out of my mind when I'm not around you. I love you, Brynn Shelby. No regrets. No looking back. Whether it's for 5 minutes for 50 years... I won't ever stop loving you."

She looks at me. Her eyes made larger by unshed tears. "I love you too."

My breath escapes my lungs. She's finally said it. Brynn reaches up and I feel her wipe a tear from my cheek. I didn't even know I started crying.

"Why did you come here? Of all the places that meant something to us." I ask.

She smiles slightly. This is the last place I went. "First I went to the playground where I beat you in basketball."

"You mean when you cheated."

"I don't play by the rules, Finn Dashiel Nash."

"Don't I know it." I give her a faint grin.

"I then ended up at the Fish Hatcheries."

I smile in earnest then. "I can still remember the taste of your sugary lips."

She looks at me shyly. "But it was here you told me that you wouldn't sleep with a girl unless you were in love with her. Of all the dreams and memories I had to say goodbye to, this one was the hardest because I knew I'd never know what that love would feel like and I wanted to... so desperately, just once."

"Well then... " I take her hand in mine and pull her close. I tilt her face up and claim what she's offering me. What starts out slow and wanting becomes a burning desire in us both. I move to her neck, her ear and she whispers my name.

"Finn. We can't... we can't do this..." she says breathless.

"Why can't we?" I ask as relentlessly pursuing her with my lips and my hands.

"Because I won't survive it."

I pull away from her but only marginally. "The road less traveled. Whatever road you take is the road I will follow. I can't un-see you, un-know you or not love you. Let me give you what you want, give me this one chance to convince you to stay."

"I'm not strong enough."

"You don't have to be. I'll be strong enough for both of us. Surrender to my care Brynn," I say pushing her hair from her face. I need her. She needs me.

She nods her head yes.

I take a look around. "This is not what I had in mind?"

She sits down in the boxcar and looks up at me expectantly. She's obviously not going anywhere. "Tell me."

I join her, sitting with crisscrossed legs across from her. "You want me to tell you what I had planned?"

She nods her head yes. "Please."

"I have to admit it was more of a fantasy than an actual plan."

She scoots closer and I chuckle.

"I'd want the whole day to seduce you." I'm encouraged to go on, by her enthusiastic grin.

"I'd pick you up and take you to someplace beautiful so I could compare your beauty to that of the ocean or clearest blue skies and tell you how they fail in comparison to the beauty of your eyes."

She smiles.

"You'd tell me I'm stupid and I'd enjoy proving you wrong by doing a little something like this." And I pull her closer so we can kiss. I feel her smile against my lips.

I pull away. "I'd take you out to eat. I'd order your favorite foods and then I'd share my fries and shake with you."

"But you don't like to share?" she rebuttals.

"It's not really sharing when all that I am and all I have to give is already yours," I tell her, as my fingers glide over her cheek. She colors and she looks so sweet.

"Then before the sun sets I would take you someplace we could watch. I'd ask you to dance. Just so I'd get the chance to hold you in my arms."

I stand up and hold out my hand to help her to her feet. I flip through my playlist on my phone and play John Legends "All of me."

"May I have this dance?" She doesn't resist. I take her in my arms and waltz her around the small space. Our bodies move in perfect rhythm just like I knew we would.

"Nice song choice."

This song always reminds me of her... and me. When the music stopped. So did we.

"Then what happens?" she asks totally into the story.

I cup her face and kiss her lips. "I'd offer myself to you body and soul, for you've already laid claim to my heart."

"I accept," Brynn whispers against my lips and she starts to unbutton my vest. My brain seizes wondering, Are we really doing this? My jacket and vest fall to the floor and she kisses me even harder than before. I'm guessing yes.

I hold her back for a moment. "But Brynn you deserve that day and so much more." She pulls away. Damn, I offended her. She holds my gaze, unzips and shrugs out of her coat. Then reaches for the bottom of her T-shirt and slowly pulls it up and over her head before dropping it to the floor.

I suck in air through my teeth and blow it out slowly. "Brynn, have mercy on me."

"No." Came her reply. She moves closer to me and undoes my tie and then she starts to unbutton my shirt. Her hands course over my chest and I close my eyes enjoying the way her hands feel against my skin.

I open them again. Her stare is intense. I can lose myself in those eyes. I pick her up and her legs wrap around my waist, her arms wrap around my neck and her finger bury themselves in my hair.

She is kissing me again and I hold her there my fingers outstretched across the bare skin of her back. I'm losing any sense of control I might have had left when she kisses my ear and down my neck.

I use my foot to push our discarded clothes into a pile and lower her on to them. My hands glide over her body and she shivers from my touch. "Are you cold?"

She just shakes her head from side to side.

"You're so beautiful," I say taking this moment to just drink her in.

I'm kneeling over her and she reaches out to me. I take her hands and hold them above her head and kiss her again, her eyes, her nose, her lips. I hear a small sound escape those lips that lit a fire in me, knowing my touches please her.

I bury my face in her neck and press my weight lightly upon her. I feel the lace of her bra against my naked skin. I let go of her hands to run mine over her breasts and she trails her fingers down my back.

"I love you so much," I whisper in her ear.

She pulls my face away from her neck so she can look at me. "I love you too."

"I don't think I will ever tire of hearing you say those words to me."

She smiles that smile I adore and I'm right back to kissing her again. My hands roam across her body. Her hands explore as well and when she purposely lifts her hips to rub against me. I want her so bad, it's painful but I stop.

She's breathing hard, I can see by the rapid rise and fall of her chest. She is just as turned on and tuned in as I am. She looks at me with an unspoken question in her eyes.

"Don't look at me like that Brynn. I want you. God help me, I so want you but I can't let this go further."

"Why not?" The question comes out in a rush of air.

"I don't have any protection. I don't want to risk getting you pregnant."

Her smile widens like she's in on some secret she's forgotten to mention. "I'm on the pill. I've been on it since my first cycle because it supposedly can be a preventive against cancer. Guess it didn't work as well as they would have hoped but I guess now there is this one perk."

She's stripped me of this one barrier. It was to be my saving grace. My chance of walking away without taking her virginity but now...

"Finn?"

"If I give into you today. What happens tomorrow? Do you still walk away?"

I pull back and sit on the floor running my fingers through my hair. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

She gets up and kneels on the floor before me. "All we have is this moment Finn. Tomorrow is promised to no one."

I look her dead in the eye when I say, "It's not enough."

She looked like a slapped her. "What?"

I lean in so I'm very clear. "It's not enough. Today is not enough for me Brynn. I want today, tomorrow, next week, next month...hell next year and every year thereafter. It's not enough. It will never be enough with you."

"I... I can't give that to you, Finn. I want to. I desperately want to but I can't. I don't know how much time I have to give."

"It's not about that Brynn. I just want all of your time, no matter how much time that is. Do you understand me? You can't do this with me and then leave. You and I can't make love and then you walk away someday because of whatever reason you deem good enough. I'm all in? Are you?"