Two

Two

The following morning, I woke up with a slight migraine after drinking too much in the dorm room. I was being careful about the fact that my subconsciousness might be telling me otherwise what my body was going through at the time. The guy I've been sleeping with was snoring loudly on my bed, and it's safe to assume that we had been up all night attempting to review and dissect topics that might come up in our final exams before the semester ends. He didn't initially strike me as one of the most stunning people I've ever met, but there's this unique aura around him that's difficult to ignore. It comes across as something I would say to you while crossing the street and you probably would never give it a second thought.

It's no secret that I have been sleeping with guys on and off since high school. And sometimes it would lead to unfavorable and unforeseeable circumstances that would require me to visit my doctor and check if I hadn't contracted any diseases in my system. Somehow it's far more concerning if I hadn't been consistently taking my pills or if I haven't had an IUD since I began sleeping with other people. You'll never be sure if the time comes and you're not ready for parenthood knocking on your doorstep.

"I have to leave," I tried nudging him, poking him on the side. He was struggling to open his eyelids. He looked like he needed more sleep based on his facial expression.

"Where are you going?" He asked, stifling a yawn. His voice came out more like a whisper. "If you need anything, I can drop by at any time. I don't have to worry about studying for now. My professors can nag me about my missed requirements all day long, and I won't be giving two shits about it."

"Sure you can," I scoffed at him. "That's probably why the dean's been telling you to take college-level lectures more seriously. Because all you do is jerk off and fuck as many people as you'd like."

"Jesus, you're one to tell me about my crazy sex life," he said. "As if I'm the only person who's doing bullshit behind the scenes." Then his gaze wandered over to me. I've never felt more self-conscious. He's staring straight at me as if I had been appointed as his unwilling accomplice.

"You're an asshole," I said without meaning to. "If we were in a relationship, I would never be harsh to you."

"I guess I really am an asshole," he began muttering under his breath. He just got out of the duvet and made his way in front of the dorm's adjacent bathroom. "By the way, I've been applying for jobs. Not exactly full-time, but they promise to pay me decent money."

"And what is that kind of job specifically?" I asked.

"You know, writing and shit," he said. "I'm kinda good at writing stories. I don't know, maybe it's just some useless talent that I have, but whatever, at least I get to have a proper job because of it."

"Really?" Now my sense of curiosity was beginning to take over. "I never knew you were a writer."

"In high school, I was good at writing articles. I didn't really pay enough attention to it because I wanna excel in sports so bad that it's creeping on me every once in a while."

"You don't really cut it for sports," I was quick to make a response. I couldn't tell for certain if I was going overboard with my opinion of him."If writing's something you're really good at, why not make some money off of it? Just to make it all seem worthwhile. You're not gonna think it's an absolute waste of time."

"You're not supposed to be telling me what to do. I'm a grown ass man. I can do shit on my own."

"Not every grown ass person knows what they're doing."

He tossed a random piece towel over his shoulder and made his way towards the shower. "You sure know how to piss the fuck out of me."

I decided to go off-campus. This didn't happen that often. If anything, it's a rare opportunity for me to do some breathing exercises and unwind. I've made some careful observations—the sun was shining directly on my face as I walked past people out of the subway station. This was one of the reasons I left Idaho temporarily. The transport system they have in New York City seemed a lot more chaotic and livelier in comparison to some beat down buses I rode in the past.

"Liz!" someone called after me.

"Oh my God, how long have you been around here?" My ex-best friend asked. She would always go by the name Alex. "You're still studying?"

"I took two whole semesters off," I said. "Hustling on the sidelines, making money, that kind of shit. I've been here for almost a year now, I think."

"You seeing anyone?" Alex asked me. "You're attending Bard College, right?"

"I don't do dates. You know I've outgrown that phase."

"The hoe I've always known has now matured into a grown ass woman," she started laughing. "Elizabeth, you never cease to amaze me."

"Thanks for calling me out," I said. Hopefully I didn't sound offended or hurt. It was only gonna hurt my ego that was struggling to get out of my ribcage. "It's just playing around. We've all been very immature at some point, but we grow from it. Anyway, how are you?"

"Now you're asking me that question?" She looked amused. I could tell that her features have become weary over time. "I'm fine, I guess. I try not to be a bitch, but it couldn't but helped. I keep seeking for advice and comfort, but they end up translating to no nonsense hookups  and senseless rumors that affect my own self worth."

"I do think we're meant to be soulmates in a different life. Shit happens, but at least we got each other."

"There you go again with your outdated sayings," she started laughing at me. "How many times have you said that we were soulmates? Once? Twice? Maybe more than three times?"

I haven't had a decent conversation in quite a while. I just lock myself up and never let anyone in unless they want to use me temporarily and I would let them in for the night. It's always been a problematic and catastrophic cycle, but I like to believe that I refuse to be on my own, dwelling on my own personal issues and problems, with no shoulder to lean on. And it always had to be of the opposite sex. Other women could only do so much to make me feel wanted or even needed in their lives. Sometimes they didn't even want me around. They would keep shoving me, and I got no grounds for saying that I deserve to have parts of my own narrative spoken with no one interfering or causing any technical glitches to prevent this from happening.

"Anyway, nice meeting you again, Liz. If there's anyone or anything you're invested in, let me know some other time."

"Sure," I managed to respond. "I don't see myself getting into any serious at the moment."

"Maybe you will," Alex said. "Maybe in due time everything will align perfectly just as they should be."

I returned to campus after walking around for so long that both my legs and feet felt like concrete as soon as I stepped into my dorm room. The damn microwave has been left unplugged and the fan that's been sitting on my desk kept making this annoying whirring sound that I immediately had this instinct to turn it off right away. I slumped face down on the bed, feeling the warmth of the person that had laid down next to me before I had the near contemplation of either jumping from the building to my death or submitting a withdrawal form fully intending to never want to step foot in this place ever again. I sighed and began rolling sideways like any dysfunctional sleeper and overthinker would do. Elizabeth, you're supposed to get your shit together. Elizabeth, maybe this wasn't exactly the right person you should be messing around with. Elizabeth, you were supposed to be the golden child, so what the hell happened and how the hell did you get yourself into this endless whirlpool of contempt, envy, and unsatisfaction with your life? All of these things kept swirling around in my head as I steadily rubbed my eyes, knocking the sleep that had been threatening to take over me. I had been drinking coffee over the past couple of weeks. More or less studying and more or less attempting to get over the fact that I hadn't been fully in control of my own life.

My family had been split in two since my parents didn't get along well since I was born. They didn't want a divorce either, so staying until the end was one of their favourable options. I've had siblings, but they didn't care to call me or see me whenever I needed them in my life. It had always been an unbreakable cycle that I couldn't escape from. I knew right then and there that I had to be somewhat independent. I didn't get all the love, care, and support that I needed, so I actively sought other people to provide it for me. In many occasions I would fall too quickly and those feelings were never really reciprocated, just merely acknowledged without saying yet another word. In those many times I had allowed myself to fall over someone so many times, I also had to remind myself not to get in too deep with my emotions. I didn't want the hurt to permeate. I didn't want the rejection to betray me. I could've done more than to just plead for someone to stay with me on the sidelines, but there's only so much I could do in order not to feel the dread and sense of abandonment to take every fiber of my soul and spirit that I swear it would've left me with more internal scars.

I just laid there, thinking if things had turned out different and if things weren't so complicated enough to deal with. Adulthood was one hell of a battery drainer. All that's left are pieces that I had vowed to take out of my system and mend them so that I could be finally content with the fact that deep down I had some sort of compass which would guide me in the right direction.

Three Years Later

I had been recently accepted into a company that valued face level achievements rather than skills that would've been more necessary to use in my own field of work. I had gotten over people ignoring me while I do stuff on the computer and sending signals at me not to spiral deep into a rabbit hole that I would never get out of on my own.

During one of my breaks, I took out my vape and took a swipe at it. A train of smoke escaped my lips as I stared downward where I could see cars and trucks passing through those busy streets. One of the interns I had befriended, whose name I could remember as Kate, came out through the backdoor of the office building and immediately went over to where I was standing with the vape in between my lips.

"You smoke?" Kate asked. It looked as though she didn't seem shocked that I smoked quite regularly than before.

"You've got a problem with that?"

"No, of course not," she said. I handed her some of the cigarettes that I had in my purse. "Care to join me for a smoke?"

"I haven't been smoking for over a year and a half," she took the cigarettes from and began lighting one on the end of it. "They say it's supposed to be easy. But now I don't know how to feel about this anymore. It's always complicated..." She took a pause and began taking in all the smoke. "Once I finally got out of the house, I could finally breathe normally again."

"That's how I felt," I said. "Moving out of the home I've always lived in only to find myself having thoughts on moving from one place to another without thinking too much about it."

"That goes to show how shitty life can be," Kate began mumbling, still stuck with the vape she's been careful not to drop on the pavement. "I'm way past my twenties and I still have yet to be in a serious relationship. All I ever did was drink, get into fights, and attempting to start dating when I didn't have all the confidence to do so."

"I don't get it. You're pretty, and I don't get why people wouldn't approach you," I said as I blow out all the smoke. I took another swipe of my vape. It felt like I had been blowing off the steam that's been relentlessly trying to get out of my system.

"There's too many beautiful and handsome people in this world," Kate said as she laughed slightly. "And unfortunately I didn't have the chance to make some decent conversation with them before I could initiate a more serious relationship with them."

I blow more smoke coming out of my mouth. The bitterness the smoke coming out of my vape made me reconsider to not smoke ever again. "I better head back inside. I need to comply with unfinished documents."

"I'm just gonna contemplate here for a while," she said. Kate still had one of the cigarettes in between her lips. She's keen on blowing out more smoke with the cigarette than the amount of smoke that I had been blowing with my vape. Maybe it all comes down to expertise.

I got off work earlier than usual. I've been sending messages to Jamie, one the people I've managed to stay in contact after breaking things off with the person I had been having one of the best times of my life with. The thing is, you'll fully never know what you're gonna do after finishing school. Chances are, you're gonna start being over-reliant on the events that happen in your life that you hadn't initially thought it would happen but it ended up happening in the end.

Jamie decided to pick me up. When I first met this person, it was anything but ordinary. He accidentally scratched a car and I volunteered to help him out. It was one of the moments that felt like I was being swallowed alive by a giant hole and it was threatening to drag me inside of it. Luckily we managed to exchange numbers and the rest was all history.

We decided to rent an apartment with a communal kitchen, a single bed, a single shower, and a television that had been so worn out to the point of deterioration. Once we headed inside the apartment, we were all over each other. I had always been the type of person to initiate the first move in this arrangement. Jamie wasn't the type to be pushy around me. It had to be the other way around.

"So, how's work?" Jamie asked. I had to turn over to face him. "I don't know anymore. I used to love it, but now it feels like everyday there's a major problem that needs to get taken care of."

"If I were you, I would start looking elsewhere." He began staring at me intently. The look of his eyes would be comparable to someone who hadn't been getting a lot of sleep. "Didn't you say that you were working on scripts? Maybe that's a great place to start."

I have considered some offers to write scripts for shows and movies when I first began looking around, trying to see if there's something I could try out to expand my experience. I had met several actors, producers, and directors working on set. There's this one actor who was trying to get my attention, but I was too busy to even care even in the slightest. That's when Jamie came into the picture a few years later. I guess I could say we're a more compatible pairing than anyone else.

"Well, that's a long time ago," I said. "I hadn't been writing a lot. I could try again."

He kissed me and I ended up kissing him in return. There's not one void we were trying to overcome in this intimate space we were both sharing. It's as if all noise had been blocked out and that's left is a moment of comfort and peace that's rare for us to experience given the amount of chaos we both had to deal with in our own personal lives.

Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top