Twenty One

Ever since we decided to break up and go our separate ways, that's when it started to hit me: I'm never going to find myself in a committed and trustworthy relationship again.

When I met Elizabeth, I thought she had to be the person that I've always felt destined to be with. I just didn't know if it's going to be a short-term or long-term connection. The possibilities are endless, and I'm very much well aware of those possibilities.

Somehow I've never felt drawn to a woman who's actually kind of responsible, mature, but still egotistical in a lot of ways. When we started hooking up and living under the same roof together, it was anything but perfect. She had a proper and decent job. I struggle to make it through my master's degree program and side hustles and having to stabilize the inner workings of my mind with a lot of pills. And I mean a lot of fucking pills. And a lot of drinking on the sidelines because there's nobody around to comfort me or even hug me whenever I needed it the most.

I was just tired and stressed out because of a lot of things and a lot of responsibilities that I always seem to fail at attempting to regulate and maintain with such ease and confidence that it almost felt impossible to go along with it most of the time.

So I asked Liz one time if she had been working on those scripts she did back then. She used to have a passion and talent for writing, just like her ex-boyfriend had at the time, whom I never really cared to ask her more about him. Why would I even ask about him in the first place? It just didn't seem like he's a great or even an intellectual person to be around. I just find myself dumfounded yet jaded over the idea of having to constantly clean up after I've mess everything up for the sake of coming to terms of who I genuinely am as a human being with a lot of things going on inside their minds.

I didn't mean to hurt her when I told her that she should prioritize our relationship a bit more. There I was, in the dark, just trying to make it through, and now, looking back at it with new lenses, I am confident enough to say that, 'Shit. I lost the one girl who has actually made a lot of sacrifices to make both ends meet. I wonder if I'll ever meet someone like her again. I've had instances where I could've contemplated more than I probably should have during those times.'

Then again, I'm still just a regular person with a lot of ambition. I've gone through so much worse in my life ans delving into it would cause a lot of my insecurities and trauma to show up uninvited to a party that they weren't well aware that they're actually invited to. So I grew up in a relatively normal, average, but also very devout and highly religious household somewhere in Italy where most of the time I kind of just feel like throwing myself over our balcony and just voluntarily let myself fall over the edge even without meaning to. I was trying to take away my own life, and even my highly religious family members wouldn't bring me back to reality just because they've got better things to do with their time.

The first time I made out with someone was with a dude. You know the person. He wore jeans and a baseball cap. And my God, I thought to myself at the time, he's probably all that I could ever want for myself. I don't know how many times we have rolled around on the grass and just looking up at the stars at night, dreaming of just running away together and building a home for ourselves and our so-called future children. Biologically speaking, we couldn't have children. Essentially we're just normal dudes who have normal dreams. The girls weren't even interested in us all that much because, in our minds, we probably just weren't that attractive or even handsome to them.

I've never met the dude again from my childhood. I wish we could've lasted a lot longer. I wish I would've kissed him a lot longer. Is that all really too much to ask in the first place?

When Elizabeth came into the picture, I kind of forgot about that one guy who has made tremendous significant changes to my life just as Elizabeth did to my life. You know I could've just tolerated our relationship a bit more and we would've gotten married then, but unfortunately some circumstances had to happen for us to grow and mature for all that's worth.