Twelve

I thought my whole life was a tragedy when it suddenly turned into a comedy when I let everything sunk in faster than the Titanic submerging itself deep into the ocean.

I recollected myself as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Jesus, I thought to myself, I couldn't get any uglier than this.

But I thought I've seen so many traumatic things in the past that my own physical appearance should be considered the least of my worries for now. I believe that I have redeemed myself and have become increasingly more aware and more self-conscious that people are unashamedly looking at my direction to get more inspiration. I've been in this situation many times, and I still have yet to decide whether I may have had conveyed my emotions blatantly or rather obscurely as people would've preferred telling me over the things that may just seem outright trivial.

I have gone through this path multiple times that I've gradually lost sight of who I am actually becoming. This fact took more than a while to register. This also had me rolling around in my own guilt and shame knowing that other people knew too much of me and that there's not much left to hide in terms of information that I would've likely preferred to be kept on the down low rather than being outrageously exposed and without empathy being thrashed and pulled to pieces like how you would describe atrocious coldblooded murder to a person.

I felt compelled to be on my own conpletely rather than discussing the weather with people. The weather is nice, I admit, but it's just the weather. I want something more harmonious, more peaceful. More serene, more relaxed. The muscles in my face can't seem to control themselves. They twitch and malfunction like computer malware. I have to decide whether I would voluntarily put myself in a position of vanity and vile embarrassment or put myself in a position where I felt most congratulated by most people who knew nothing of my own abstract sense of self.

I could courageously kiss my ass goodbye knowing that all I've ever wanted was to see a reflection of a person who knew who I actually was beforehand. There's something in ghe glint of someone's eyes that makes me wonder if this had all been just a quiet fantasy that I've slowly grown enamored by. Perhaps seduced by a portrait that no other person could push me to get seduced by outwardly instead of inwardly. Hopefully things could change moving forward. I've had too much beauty in store to simply just throw away for the benefit of other people who would much rather just look in the opposite direction instead of narrowing their clear vision at the sight of my deep, swollen, and sunken face looking back at them.

I've managed to let go of my former demons—as much as a storybook character winning against a horde of malicious and frightening humanoids who had too much cowardice to spare. Guaranteed that whoever told me to release it was also the exact same one who had told me that surely love, peace, and prosperity could be the answer to the longstanding question that lingers and fades then fades then gradually lingers at the back of the mind. But that's just the beauty of the mind, and that is the unpredictability of how thoughts, opinions, ideas could go in out and out as if traversing through deserts mindfully and with ease and submerging head first into the cold waters of oblivion only to resurface brimming with a new touch of hope, pride, and victory obscuring much of the emptiness, chaos, and destruction that are buried and nestled within.

Somehow, as a I look deeper into my soul, I could see just how beautiful the  intricate lines that are now starting to form on my face. That all I could see now is a version that will be remembered, most cherished, and most embraced by despite how ugly and wretched it may seem to those people who have high prioritizations over themselves. I could glance and wink at attractive people with left eye rolling at the back of my head obkh to be called 'freaky' and the MVP for the most callous person to ever exist walking barefoot on this planet.