Thirteen

This person staring back at me is someone I don't recognize. I couldn't be bothered to know if this was actually me all along or there's somebody else inhabiting my body all this time.

Annika Jane Morales. 21 years old. That's all the basic information that you need to know about me. A normal human with below average wit and integrity. And I have absolutely no sense of humor. Currently taking up information technology at one of the highly esteemed, highly rated, and highly priviledged universities in the country. I couldn't get any luckier than this. This would've fucked me up a lot more knowing that this would only be the beginning of my dangerous and miserable journey in fully attaining spiritual advancement and improvement.

I have been terribly busy with all the guys claiming that they want me when in reality they couldn't force themselves to look deep into my soul and see if there's any internal defects and external damages lurking within. By the end of the day, I'm just a normal person who has emotions and feelings and a brain that's larger than a computer microchip. The first time I fell head over heels for someone and they told me right away that they've already met someone like me and that they just couldn't be bothered to look at me straight in the eyes and say that they want me to take them by hand and go somewhere far away where nobody else is guaranteed to see what we have been up to all along. But that's just as far as my stupid imagination goes, and I have absolutely no control on what's actually going on inside my very small mind.

This was the day I decided to check myself in for a monthly evaluation. The therapist I've been visiting kept insisting that I take pills instead of drowning all my worries, stress, insecurities, helplessness, and naturally brain dead episodes with alcohol and vape. This is one of the reasons I had to see for myself if this was actually happening to me all at once or if I had been extremely psychotic and breaking down into clusters when looking at myself in the mirror without my glasses blocking my weary and distorted eyes.

Hopefully things will become better. I hope that this is one of those circumstances where I felt most inclined to start vomiting and shaking out of nervousness and absolute fear of what's to come next. Somehow I'm gradually starting to realize that I have backed up most of my research with my unfailing and timely disregard for what's already culturally commonplace and culturally significant. I can easily break walls with my bare hands if I absolutely needed to. I couldn't be looking for any more context clues as to what I'm feeling and currently going through.

I'm supposed to be Annika Jane Morales, the beautiful, attractive, and model student who constantly has too much on her plate. The palate with which I have to deal with was somehow difficult to swallow even with every burgeoning and active steps I take in order to qualify for the semi-finals round of Asia's Got Talent. In the end, I looked at myself in the mirror and kept asking the same boring introspective questions inside my head. I have managed to fail and have succeeded in knowing that I do not always know what I'm always getting myself into. The quiet moments and the serenity was all it took for me to start regretting every single past choice and decision that I've made and in retrospect, it had me diving deep into the ocean looking for an more substantiated answer that not even Lord could give with utmost certainity and earnestness. It may ultimately have me clinging onto desperation knowing that there's always a deep, dark, and empty void that will swallow every single aspect of myself and what I was initially capable of doing beforehand.

Somehow falling for someone allowed me to be vulnerable and helpless and hopelessly in tune with my own emotions within. I tried avoiding the vulnerabilities at all cost, but they still kept running towards me with no chances of escaping the death penalty that hovers above me and tells whatever choice that I needed to execute.

I can look back and see that there's nothing wrong with giving into the desires that's trapped in a bird cage and are struggling to break free from the steel bars surrounding it. I can be whoever I want to be and choose whoever I want to be with as long as they're content and at peace with themselves.