Sixteen

I'm back to reality again. I've been smoking since this morning and I still think about Greg and what he's been up to. We weren't really that close in college, but I'm still fucking worried and concerned about his ass. Not because he's becoming an asshole or a jackass, but because lately he's been stuck in the past, longing to be loved and cared for as it did happen to him in the past. What else do I know about them? I have no business in meddling with their nonsensical and cheesy romance anyway. I know just how fucking cheesy it gets to get close to someone only to be let down immediately when you realize they are not who they seem on the surface.

I've known Greg since college. I think he's kind of intelligent. Not the smartest, but still, he's got a lot of potential. I knew he's been with quite a handful of women but none of them stayed with him until the end. He's fucking rich, but even wealth couldn't get one of the ladies to stay with him for good. And he was really struggling—like really fucking struggling—to make it through the end, and I can definitely see it in his eyes that he stayed up too late trying to make up for all the times he's been maintaining dominance over everyone else when he's just fucking below average among everyone else. I mean, I was just as struggling and helpless just as he was during those times. Even I found myself desperately hoping for an answer that I knew wouldn't be delivered on time by parcel senders.

As you all know, Greg and I have had our moments. Moments where we e just feel like giving up already and surrendering and sacrificing our innocence to the next person in line when lining up to order in a fastfood restaurant because we were so fucking desperate to get laid that it's often synonymous with just how pathetic and desperate really were during those times. I mean, think about it, had we been more productive and proactive with our personal lives, we wouldn't find ourselves stuck in unfortunate circumstances like this. The women have together than we do. I mean, what else do we know about them? Apart from them talking about boys, the news, the weather, and all the food they've been consuming every single time they're stressed and exhausted. But us men would likely feel the same way. We don't always have our shit together, but what else do we know? Even men don't have any idea what the general expectation is for men who are on their way to be more secured and financially ready for life. I mean, I used to be fucking frustrated at myself for not doing the 'right thing.'

Then one day I suddenly found myself married to this woman whom I didn't even know that well. She's incredibly beautiful, but that's it. I didn't think she was raised well to have her shit together all the time and without any complaints. She would come crying and wailing and force me to bottlefeed her with my own words of wisdom and advice. And sometimes that just wouldn't be enough to pacify her. I could almost guarantee that she's built to be emotionally stunted and stagnated for life even when I should be caring for her and supposedly loving all her flaws when she didn't appear to have any visible flaws. She's perfect but for all the wrong reasons. I grew up thinking that women should be just as strong and ferocious as the men, when in reality, some of them are kind of frail and vulnerable when they're looking at themselves at the mirror. It's like some of them just couldn't be on their own. I wouldn't say that we have already consummated and got things over with, when that hasn't even happened yet. Just the sight of her wasn't enough to keep me hard. My brain freezes whenever I think about us being in the same together and with all the lights turned off all around us. We were supposed to be doing those kinds of things, but neither one of us was excited and eager to actually do that thing. We just pretend that the other person has never existed in the first place. There's just no real connection there. It all feels artificial. Premeditated. Absolutely nonsensical. But it still makes sense considering the fact that we can still tolerate and respect one another as human beings.

We didn't have a wedding. We did have to apply for that marriage certificate thing and it was not that big of a deal. It was just a piece of paper after all and even my ass has been worried and the whole time knowing that it could've been much more of a complicated and legnthy process to deal with. The moment I knew we were officially married, that's when it hit me. I wasn't really in love with her. Perhaps just desperately infatuated with her. I've been wanting to have more intimacy with women, so I felt that deep down this could be the moment that I have been waiting for. Except it wasn't the perfect, exaggerated moment I've been waiting for. It turned out to be something else. I could've fallen in love with a different person, but somehow I couldn't find myself detaching from this woman even though I really wanted to. What more could I want from women, anyway? They're already built to be partners for the men, but based on personal observation, that's actually not the case. Somehow women can find themselves attaching to women and men can somehow find themselves attaching to men. In a way it seemed that love is more abstract. It was never supposed to be all surface level with the looks, physiques, and the kind of career or job a person has. It has to be found within and not so much of it can be found on the outside.