Four

This is one of the things I've always dreaded to experience, and it has me clinging to an oxygen tank knowing that my whole life was on the line and the thought of having to do resuscitation on myself was more than I could put up with.

I wake up only to find myself sweating profusely while sitting on the bed after talking with my annoying college friend on the phone. It didn't took me long to realize that Dean had it together more than I do. I make it seem like this guy had already passed away, but that was far from the truth.

This guy used to be madly in love with a girl whom he had slept with one time and the sexual aspect to their bond and connection happened a few more times until they ultimately decided it would be best to break things off until they've figured things out for themselves. Dean had successfully managed to live out his dream. Later on he found himself married to a person that he clearly didn't and will not have romantic feelings for. It all takes a matter of time before their marriage becomes dissolved on paper and witnesses would pretend that they hadn't seen it coming to them. They say the word karma can be the best and the worst thing that could happen to a person, and I've always believed that to be true.

The story goes that Dean had his eyes and heart set out on Annika for quite some time until everything just culminated to passionate sex. And for a while they've really enjoyed what they're doing until it made them realize that relationships shouldn't always be based on intimate acts and acts of gratitude and acts of services to the other person involved in the arrangement. It should be based on more than love, respect, being grounded, and being void of any feelings of contempt, anger, and resentment, and disappointment to the other person or people involved in the scenario.

I should be raining by now as I look up at the sky. It doesn't occur to me why the weather always has looked the same ever since we came into this world knowing how fruitless and possibly meaningless our exerted efforts would turn out to be. It's as if our lives hadn't been thoroughly designed to suit our designated preferences. We always had to include in the equation how this would affect the people we're close to and how their lives would be drastically changed by our thoughts, opinions, and actions toward it. Our choices or decisions would most likely have to be on the expense of other people, even if deep down that this isn't always what want for ourselves and for the more complex circumstances or situations we become increasingly entangled with.

I was interrupted by the sound of a notification on my phone that I had kept lying face down on the desk. My eyes just can't believe what I read on the screen: Elizabeth. My memories of this person came flooding back like a massive tidal wave. Just when I thought I wouldn't be able to experience genuine happiness again that this person would inevitably show up whenever I least expect them to. This is one of those rare moments I would find myself smiling at nothing in particular until I break out of my reverie and realize that I have been romanticizing my life too much for my own liking.

I place my phone against my ear, and with steady caution, I say, "Hi, Elizabeth."

"Greg!" I can tell that she's just as ecstatic to hear my voice on the other end of the line. "I thought I couldn't reach you for a second. I was about to drop the call for a minute."

"You don't have to worry about it too much," I say to her. "Take your time."

"Anyway, how are you?" Liz asks. She makes it seem like there's nothing special that happened between us. "So I heard you've moved on by now."

It's clear that I still haven't moved on from her and from the horrible and messy and intimate past that we've shared together. "I'm still the same old Greg that you used to know. I mean, what, it's been like four to five years now and nothing really exciting has happened yet."

"Time will come," Elizabeth reassures me. "But you don't have to fault yourself all the time. Shit happens, and just make it worthwhile until it lasts."

"You're married now?" I happen to ask her out of the blue. "Whatever happened to that fiance of yours?"

Elizabeth laughs, and by the sound of it, it sounds like she's more nervous than before. "I'm no longer married to that person. Except it wasn't really an official thing to begin with. We didn't have anything else to worry about, probably except our assets and shit, but that's as basic as it goes..."

Just when I thought that this person lived her happily ever after and had a kid it turns out to be complete opposite of what was initially going on inside my head. 

"That's interesting," I say in response. More awkward silence follows until I decide to break the silence, "But I do think you deserve to be content and satisfied in some way."

I was about to say she would be more content and satisfied with me, but I couldn't bring myself to actually say it and mean what I'm saying to her with a bit of confidence and pride mixed into the cauldron.

"Thanks, Greg." For a moment that had my heart pounding erratically like I was about to suffer a massive stroke at any moment by now. "You do know how to flatter me sometimes. Those...moments we had were probably some of the best moments I have experienced."

"Are you closing our chapter?" I didn't intend it to sound suspicious than it already was, and it ended up being like that without meaning to. "The end to our exclusive escapades at night and wondering if this will ever be the last time we get to experience something like that."

"Stop! You're trying to embarrass me, weren't you?" She can't stop herself from being her giggly self. I know she used to be giggly all the time. Even when she's sound asleep next to me I could tell that even in her worst moments I could see her beauty stand out more than usual. "I guess that's all in the past now. I've moved on."

"Keep telling yourself that," I began teasing her. "Not everything has to be encapsulated in your mind all the time."

"You're making me weak and you know that," she says, before ultimately realizing she might have said something by mistake. "I mean, whatever. I don't have the time anymore for any love bombings and mind games. I want something raw and passionate. It's like the feeling I had with you but with more realness to it."

"Anyway, bye, see you," she says before abruptly ending the call.

That's the kind of Elizabeth I've always wanted her to be. Someone easy to talk and the kind to be easily swayed with sweet talking until she's had enough of it. I've never really fallen out of love. There's still adoration for this person whom I've alreadt accepted to be just as strong-willed and independent as any other person is and could be.

"Jamie, we should break up," there's this hint of disappointment that I could hear in my voice. I was trying not to break down inside. "I had to find myself."

My boyfriend was sitting there, sipping his coffee and without a look of remorse or empathy evident on his face. "Why, Liz? Why does it have to be about you all the time?"

I couldn't contain the emotions building up inside of me. "I just don't know why I have to give in to your requests all the time. It doesn't make this relationship fair for both of us."

Jamie sighed. I had to put in the effort to grab ahold of his hand, feeling the pulse within it. "If you're really in love with me, and if you really care about me and our relationship, you wouldn't be feeling this way," he muttered without a sense of holding himself back momentarily. His eyes looked blank, as if he was trying his hardest not to break down and retaliate. And I probably wouldn't blame him for doing that. He kinda has the right to feel aggravated over this situation.

It broke me knowing he had to feel this way. Clearly it didn't matter to him that I had to suffer through the intense loneliness and isolation even when I had him to lean on during difficult times. If I hadn't moved to a different state, went to university, got a job, this probably wouldn't have happened. It had never dawned on me why we had to end this way. It just happened, and sometimes we didn't have complete control of the motions that go through in our relationship.

Jamie left and I didn't even know how he had managed to slip through the cracks without me noticing. He was the leaving type of person. When he's had enough, he would get up and leave. And that's what ended up happening. This was one of my worst fears. Being abandoned. Being left alone. Not having a single person to talk to. It was suffocating, and for a while, it really did feel like the whole world was on my shoulders. As much as I would like to think I was okay being on my own, I wasn't. I have  already grown used to relying and depending on my partner so much up to that point. If I had enjoyed being more independent, I wouldn't feel this empty and hollow inside when somebody leaves and not even a trace of them is enough to comfort me. I needed more, and I wanted more than I could get from them.

I had been crying for several weeks. I hadn't adjusted to feeling of being completely by myself again. Some of my friends back in school have contacted me, asking how I was, what I was doing, where I was going with my life, but I didn't reply to any of them. I just needed some time to think things through and process my emotions. I haven't been drinking a lot to soothe whatever was bothering me deep down. I'd already swallowed so many pills to help me sleep better and eat better. Without that tangible support, I wouldn't be functioning normally as any normal adult would.

I began scrolling through online blog posts on my computer that were authored by so many lonely and depressed people who have gone through the same harrowing and devastating experience as I had. One blog post immediately caught my attention, and for a moment, it left my heart pounding as if it was beating normally again.

Hello everybody. Just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings on the recent separation I had experienced from my longtime partner and lifetime partner in crime. To start, we met in high school. We were both just really immature and very curious about the world. So naturally, it made sense why we ended up together. Then after high school, we went to university, and we kind of drifted apart and not really knowing what to do because we have been separated for a while. But somehow we managed to reunite and rekindle what was lost. Our relationship was only good and happy in the beginning. Then we soon started having problems. Problems that neither one of us can solve due to how heavy and complex they were. We made the decision to break up. It was amicable. We are still on friendly terms and the feelings we had for each other never faded. It was as if we were back to being friends again but with lingering feelings that creep up every so often. I just wanted to put it out there. I'm depressed and lonely, and I just wanted to share my personal experience. If you feel the same and if you wanna come to talk to me about your problems, send me a message. I'm open. Don't hesitate.

I sat there on my chair facing my computer and smiled to myself. And it was a strange feeling considering I wasn't feeling this happy in so long. It's like all the void in my heart had suddenly been filled with positive affirmations and reassurances. This wouldn't have been possible if someone came by and offered a sense of hope within me to continue moving forward despite having indirect impulses not to give in to the temptation of finding what actually makes me happy and whatever keeps my mind going at any pace I wanted it to go. It took me longer to appreciate just how much I needed to let go every painful aspect of this separation and embrace the fact that once a new person comes in, they will make me realize just how wide my perception was of other people and the circumstantial events that have and will continue to drastically impact my viewpoints in several ways.