Eighteen

I've always been the type of person to fall quickly, and when it descends into madness, that's when I immediately break out of my illusion and try to make sense of how I was feeling in that moment. When you're an adult, falling for someone just doesn't make a lot of sense most of the time. It just bothers the fuck out of you and it plays with you until you just get tired and exhausted. When you're an absent-minded, lazy juvenile, falling for someone takes a lot out of you. You invest all your time and energy onto this person until one day, as if seemingly out of the blue, they get tired and move on shortly afterward.

That's almost exactly what happened when I was in high school. I fell madly in love with a girl and she always made it an issue that I kept chasing after her and that I couldn't be bothered to chase after other girls who seemed more likely to be my type of girl. She's highly intelligent, alluring, and mysterious, and that's what made me drawn to her the moment I started looking in her direction. Seemed like every single fucking guy and girl who couldn't take their eyes off of her wanted her so bad that it just made them all pathetic to even look at. I just couldn't withstand having the thought process of someone who had too much going on inside their minds that it kind of makes them want to get hit by a truck on purpose to the point of no return. My best friend, of all people, gave me all the emotional support and reassurances that I needed during those times. It wasn't like we were fucking in secret, but it certainly did help to have someone around who really cared you as a person and not them caring too much about themselves.

Then college came around and I was just extremely astounded and bewildered by this one girl who had bangs and thick glasses on. Annika Jane Morales, as everyone called her, and it didn't take long for me to process in my small brain that she was actually fucking beautiful and stunning to look at.  Then she looked up at me after staring at her notebook for so long that I thought she was going to shoot lasers right through it. I wasn't even listening to what she was saying with her mouth. All I knew was that I kind of just wanted to be around her, hug her, give her all the love and support that she needed to have because I believe that's what every person wants in this world, and that is to be loved and cherished for who they are as people.

I didn't mean to sound rude and offensive when I asked if she was available or not. I was trying my absolute hardest to make light of the whole situation because the whole academics stuff was rattling my brain to the core. But despite all that, I managed to provoke at least the most simple reaction from her. My God, I thought to myself, this was probably the best person I could have for myself. Even if she said yes and I supposedly end up marrying her in my dreams, I wouldn't even share her with anyone else. Not because I see everyone else as a threat, but because in my mind, she's special and in my heart, I've managed to volunteer myself as the person who will surrender all my guns and weapons just to be with her and protect her for as long as I possibly could.

Sex with her felt natural. There might be awkward moments, but it's worth taking into consideration that not everything has to be perfect, especially on your first attempt. I just saw in her eyes the desire she had to have this moment with me, and how everything else just didn't really matter that much, at least, at the time. I found it hard to believe that I could have someone like Annika resting her head on me and act as if she's done it several times before. There's comfort and uncertainty that we could make more memories like this last for very long time for what they're genuinely worth.