A/N: Bulimia trigger warning lies ahead, but briefly.

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It was an intense moment with my finger hovering above my phone. Quite frankly, I didn't want to call either of them. What a shit show it would be having Gilinsky and one of the guys under the same roof. Both of them would be sending subtle hints toward me about what we have done and what we could do. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't type of situation.

Invite Sammy...piss off Jack.
Invite Nate...piss off Andrea...and Jack.
But ultimately I shouldn't give a damn what Jack thinks because he's too busy speaking in tongues with Andrea for whatever ungodly reason and making excuses. Whatever, he's not my boyfriend. Never was.

I turned off my phone and tossed it to the foot of the bed, opting to begin studying instead. Hours would pass before I realized it was 2:14 AM. I was so immersed in the world of English Literature Appreciation that I forgot to actually enjoy my Saturday night. Not like I do much of that anyway. On the flipside, I felt like shit. Eating all that junk food gave me a major headache and a bad taste in my mouth. I got up and walked past my floor-length mirror, pausing, then slowly making my way back to it. I never liked looking into it for too long. I hated my body still. Nate was right. Didn't matter how much weight I lost or would continue to lose. I lifted my shirt and stared at my mostly-flat stomach seemingly permanently painted with stretch marks. Memories of the excess flesh would plague my mind and I was starting to envision it again, frightening myself. I didn't want to go back to that. I felt myself slowly spiraling down, ready to do something I promised I'd never do.

I walked into the bathroom and got on my knees in front of the open toilet, sticking my toothbrush down my throat until I threw up all that I just ate. Deep down, I promised myself I'd never binge & barf again. Now all I had to do was keep that promise. I sat against the tub and cried, knowing I needed better control over my fucking life.

+

I was sitting on the park bench, sipping on my iced chai tea latte & studying my notes.

"Hey," I hear Sammy say as he comes and sits down next to me. I closed my notebook as he leaned in for a hug. "So what did you wanna talk about?"

"Uh," I took a deep breath. "Did you- was there ever any ounce of you that thought about actually being in a relationship with me? After our weekend, perhaps?"

His eyebrows rose as he thought about it, running his fingers through the hair that stood up at a diagonal on his head. "I don't know. No, I guess."

"Care to tell me why? Is there something wrong with me?"

"Wrong with you? Hell no, are you crazy? You're beautiful. Not to mention..." he moved in closer and got up to my ear. "When I gave it to you, you took it the best."

I rolled my eyes and gently pushed him back to where he originally sat. "Is there anything you like about me that has nothing to do with my body?"

"Well yeah. You make me laugh and you're easy to talk to. And I know you said nothing with your body but I really love your smile." He knocked my knee with his.

"Just...not enough to date me." I traced the pattern on my paisley notebook, still searching every part of myself that could be labeled unlikeable. In my world, that's everything.

"It's not you at all," he said. "I'm not ready for a girlfriend. I still have a life to live."

"What does that mean when people say that? To me, all that translates to is 'I still have places I need my dick to be in'...otherwise, life doesn't stop when you find someone. The right one, at least." I crossed my legs and folded my arms.

Sammy looks down at the grass in deep thought and scooches closer to me again. "Are you saying you're the right one for me?"

I look at him with the most sincerest eyes. "I'm not the one to tell you that, Sammy. I'm not even trying to date you. I'm just...trying to figure shit out."

"What's wrong?" He puts his arm around me.

"There is someone...and I don't know how to feel about him or even around him. Is it weird I brought this up to you?"

Sammy grinned. "You get a pass this time."

I went on to tell him about Nate without even mentioning his name. Sammy sat there and listened to every word I quickly vented.

"You guys have got some issues, indefinitely," Sammy concluded. "But I think...I think there's something there. I'm not a hundred percent but I think you should keep trying to figure it out. Don't let it slide."

Wise words, Sammy. Wise words.

+

I knocked on Nate's door and Foosh answered, biting into an apple and very high with red eyes. For a brief yet awkward moment, we stood in silence as he stared me down and chewed.

"......Hey, what's up?" Foosh finally spoke.

"Um, hey. Is Nate here?"

"No." He continues standing there with low eyes, chewing like a horse.

"Do you know when he'll be back?"

"Uhhh, not really. He's at work."

"Well when he gets back can you-- actually, where is his job?"

After Foosh took 8 years to tell me the name of Nate's plant nursery, I looked it up on Google Maps and got there quickly. I walked through the plant maze and declined help from one of his co-workers. I finally found him. He was arranging potted Gardenias. I was careful to stay quiet in the background because I just wanted to watch him. It was kind of beautiful how he didn't blend in with his surroundings. Sort of how a thorn stands out on the stem of a rose. He wore gloves as he worked and looked at peace. Usually he has this tough-guy look on his face like it was some sort of defense mechanism. But not today, not here. He looked like he enjoyed his job.

I watched as he paused and extended his hand toward one of the plants in the back row.

"Hey," he said to himself, grinning. "You know you can't be in there buddy."

He pulled his hand back out and there was a fuzzy red caterpillar resting on his index finger. He let it crawl over his hand as he examined it.

"Let's find you a new home, huh?"

He walked further toward the back of the nursery and allowed the caterpillar to crawl onto the tree stump. My heart softened so much and I wanted to kiss him. Deep down I always knew there was another side to him that he was too afraid to show. I was about to approach him but another girl, a customer, beat me to it. She looked around my age and asked him about when it's the best time to buy sunflowers. His body language while he responded put him right back into douchebag-Nate mode. He kept licking his lips and doing that thing he does with his laugh when he's trying to be a flirt. Whatever. Coming here was a mistake.

The girl walked away and so did I, hopefully before he could see me. But just my luck, I didn't get away that easy.

"Liv?" He called out.

"No habla ingles," I responded in a high voice like an idiot.

He laughed. "Liv, be serious." I cringed and turned around, slowly panicking inside. "What are you doin' here?"

"Uhhh..."

What do I say? 'Oh I was just here to stalk you and see how you were doing because I missed you and hoping you would kiss me'. Blah blah fucking blah. I didn't know what to say...so I panicked and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Just came to see if you wanted to go with us to Big Wolf Lake after the semester finishes." You...idiot.

I hadn't exactly made my decision on who to invite yet. I was leaning more toward Sammy. He hasn't caused as much drama as Nate has. But I guess it's too late now.

"Big Wolf Lake," he repeated and shrugged. "What's there?"

"Cabins, snow, snowboarding, pubs...a lake..."

"And you?" The corner of his mouth rose as he continued lining the plants.

"...A-And me. And 4 others including Andrea."

"Because that won't be awkward, huh?"

I sighed in defeat. "Forget it, dude. Forget I even came here."

"That's not even why you came here, Liv." He walked over to me until he was about an arm's length away. "You could've texted me that. So I'll ask you again...what are you doin' here?"

"Fuck," I whispered to myself. "Alright. Okay. I just wanted to see you. Happy?"

He chuckled & walked back to his plants. "Mmhmm. What are you doin' tonight?"

"So you're just gonna ask me what I'm doing tonight? That's it? No smartass comments or arguments?"

"Mmhmm." His dimples were so prominent now, I wanted to dive in them. Aside from that, I was confused as hell and unsure if he was playing a trick on me or not.

"Okay...well...I'm studying for my exams," I answered.

"And how's that goin' for you?" He places the last pot in place and stands up straight, clapping his hands together to rid his gloves of soil.

"Okay I guess."

He paused. "You're gonna fail."

"And there he is, ladies and gentlemen."

"Not even bein' slick," he laughed. "You weren't confident enough in your answer so...you're gonna fail."

"Wow. Okay."

"I'm comin' over tonight. Gonna help you out."

I tilted my head sideways as my heart tangled its strings up a little more.

+

I didn't even take my study materials out yet. I was too busy straightening up my room and going back and forth between my zig-zag throw pillow and the one with the spiral, deciding on the zig-zag. There was a knock on my door and Andrea let herself in.

"Andrea, hey..." I said.

"Hey nothing. Wanna tell me why Nate Maloley is asking for you by the front door?"

"He's here already?"

"Not the point!"

"Look," I sighed. "Nate and I are cool now. I know we weren't at first but he's actually a good guy. Don't underestimate a guy with a green thumb."

"Yeah well don't even think about inviting him to the trip." She folded her arms. Her jaw soon dropped when I didn't give her a response. "...You didn't."

My face scrunches up. "Sorry, it just sort of happened really fast."

"Unbelievable. What about Sammy?"

"What about Sammy? All we did was have sex, I barely heard from him after that. I'm sure he'll survive." My tone was more harsh now. There was no way I was gonna let her walk all over me this time when it comes to how I live my life.

"I swear, if it wasn't for the 6-person discount, I'd tell you to leave my sloppy seconds at the door." She stormed back out of my room. How fucking rude. Moments later, Nate walks in. I could smell his cologne all the way from where I was standing and I couldn't ignore how sexy he looked in his black beanie.

"You good?" He asked. I nodded and had him sit down in my desk chair while I sat on my bed. "So...where's all your notes and stuff?"

"Oh! Right! Notes!" I hopped off the bed and rummaged through my school backpack, pulling out a binder filled with everything I needed to study. Perfectly labeled, highlighted, and organized.

I hand it to him and he flips through it. He nods with approval. "Cool."

With the quickness, he shuts the binder and rushes up against me, kissing me until we fall back onto my bed. I was in so much shock that I didn't know what to do with my hands. He sighed as he ended the kiss and got off of me, sitting back in the chair.

"With every question you get right, that's one minute of makeout time," he smiled.

"That's not enough motivation," I playfully rolled my eyes, hoping he'd kiss me like that again.

"Your problem, not mine." He cleared his throat & got right to it.

+

2 hours later, I'm mentally exhausted and hanging halfway off the bed. With every question I got wrong, it counted against me even though he made it a point to return to it again later. Nate sipped on his can of Fruit Punch Arizona as we finally creeped up on the final question. 

"And finally: who, in 1954, won the Nobel Prize in Literature?" He asked as he read off the paper.

"I know this, I know this," I whispered to myself. I clapped once I knew the answer. "Hemingway!"

Nate smiled and lightly applauded me. "So you got 45 right out of 58. I'd say that's a passing grade."

I make a sound with my mouth that mimics a stadium of people with a roaring cheer. Before I know it, Nate is already climbing on top of me, lowering his lips to mine. I willingly let my arms fall onto his shoulders as his body settles against me.

"You're not even timing us," I breathed.

"That was the plan the whole time lil mama," he grinned before sucking on my bottom lip. He moved his lips down to my neck. It was then that my stupid mind let everything flood back into my memory. The things he said and the way he feels. I was trying to block it out because he felt so good but it got to a point where I couldn't anymore.

I didn't even say anything, I just abruptly stopped our little session and sat up.

"What is it?" He said, continuing to kiss my neck from behind.

"Chill," I shrugged him off.

"What?"

"I don't think we should...do this," I said.

"Why not?"

"You said I don't love myself. And I think if I didn't love myself, I would've kept this going." I stood up and turned around to face him. "I may not love Olivia all the time...a lot of the time. But I respect Olivia. And I can't let her do anything past the friendship line with a guy that openly talked about her flaws behind her back in order to get a laugh out of his friends."

"Are you serious right now?"

"As a heart attack."

"They're your old flaws though, Liv."

"Wait, why should they be flaws at all?" I put folded my arms. "If we were here like we were tonight but I was bigger, would you reward me with kisses? Would you even look at me like you did the night of the double date? Would I look like a true Catfish on the first day? Because that was all flesh. It was just...flesh. But my feelings never went anywhere. I grew up that way and just because my stomach is flatter doesn't mean it's easy to shake. You don't understand, you never even tried to."

"Why are you making me come out to be the bad guy?" He stood up. "I said I'm sorry, Liv. And yes maybe I have shit to sort out too, I ain't perfect. Neither are you. And no I wouldn't look at you the way I do now. Not gonna front. Because that's how I grew up; thinking 'hot' & 'sexy' meant it only jiggled in certain places, not all over. I'm sorry. But regardless of all that shit...I like you, Liv. And I want you to love yourself so maybe one day...I could love you too."

I frowned and looked around my room. He didn't get it. Maybe I didn't get it. Either way, everything was a mess and before things got too deep or heated, I needed to keep my mind focused on my exams.

"Thanks for helping me study," I said quietly. "I have to go to sleep."

"Liv," he spoke, lifting my chin until my eyes met his. I turned my head to the side and his hand fell. He scoffed. "Aight. I'll see you."

He grabbed his jacket and left my room. Soon I heard the front door slam shut.

___________

Author's Note: Oh boy oh boy! What tangled webs we weave. The next chapter...we're going to Big Wolf Lake baby! And there will be more dramatics but not just with Nate & Liv. eeeeeeeeeee lolll

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