~{A/N}~  My main objective with this story is to reach others suffering from this horrible disorder to let them know they aren't alone and to inform people of the harsh reality who don't go through it. In this chapter I tried to aim it more at how fragile I was when I was in the hospital. Also my thought patterns when the smallest inconvenience happened or when I spent too much time alone with my thoughts. Therefore this chapter may be more triggering than the other chapters. This is your warning.~Sincerely Yours~

Yes, he's leaving before me.

I don't want him to leave.

Day 10

It's after lunch time and after we are allowed in our rooms. Iwaizumi invites himself into my room and we sit on the little ledge overlooking the city together. Him on one side; I on the other. We watch cars pass in silence. After awhile I notice him staring at me. Should I say something? I don't want him to look too deeply. See the monster within me.

"What?" I ask shyly.

"I'm going to be gone in two days..." Iwaizumi starts. My heart sinks. I knew this was coming but it still hurts.

I can't imagine this place without him.

I can't imagine waking up without him a few doors away.

I can't imagine not talking to him during mealtimes. Rolling up and down the hallways without him.

Without him.

I...

I don't want to imagine it.

"Hey hey," he gently pushes my hair back and looks me in the eyes. I put my feet down and pull him into a hug and hold him tightly, not ever wanting to let go. I haven't really realized how attached I'd grown until now. "On the bright side, if you keep it up we will both be sent to the same PHP place." I don't know what PHP means but I know it's better than residential. Residential is where you go and live in a house with others with eating disorders. You can be there for weeks to months. At least in the hospital it's only on average 17 days (unless you get refeeding syndrome, then it's longer). I, normally wouldn't really mind the thought of Residential. According to my disorder I don't need and aren't deserving of help unless I'm bad enough that I'm at risk of dying (sometimes not even then... there's always someone worse and more deserving). However, the closest Residential place that would take me is across the country. I know I wouldn't be able to handle that for two reasons.

One. Iwaizumi isn't being sent there. I would feel bad for being away that long. That gives me more motivation than I thought to not be sent there.

Two. It's so far away from my family it would crush them. I can't do that to them. Not after what distress me going to the hospital has already caused.

"I don't want you to leave," I mumble against him.

"It's only 5 days. I would come visit you but that's you and your parents time," I'm only allowed to see people for a certain amount of time daily and it's taken overall. So if he comes and visits me it's taking away time for me to see my parents. I know he wouldn't show it (unless it's through symptoms) but he'd feel bad.

"Okay..." I say sadly while snuggling my head into his shoulder. "Wait!" I jerk back suddenly, "That's Halloween!"

"Luckily I'm leaving at night," I sigh in relief. He's still going to dress up with me and go down to the first floor for candy.

"Please discharge in your costume."

"No."

"Please."

"No, that's ridiculous." He looks back up at me. I give him the best puppy dog eyes I could manage. My bottom lip even started quivering. Finally he gives in and rolls his eyes. "Fine." Damn I'm so good.

>•<

Now it's Afternoon Snack (or first snack, whatever you want to call it) of course it's the cardboard tasting chips with juice. There's so many chips how am I suppose to finish this in 15 minutes. Ugh! "Want to go on a date," Iwaizumi said so calmly that I couldn't understand it and almost choked on a chip. How can he be so calm?! Does he just assume I'm going to say yes? Hm...

"No," I say as seriously as I could holding down a blush from the question. I immediately see him look at me shocked and hurt. "Of course I will-" as I say I think of something endearing to say. "Love"? "Honey"? "Babe"? I don't know I'm stupid. "It's just-"

"Just?"

"How?"  I ask genuinely curious. I thought we could only hang out with our families during the allotted time.

"We just have our two families come along. I'm sure your mom and my mom would get along great and so should our dad's. You said your sister doesn't like coming and my siblings have no idea what is going on with me. It'll be great. We leave at the same time and coordinate with each other. Besides my family has a van." He turns to me from his school work and looks me directly in the eyes. "That means you have to finish... everything." To go out on pass I have to finish everything day of and day before. There's been two incidents where I wasn't able to finish (anxiety attacks) but it was only small stuff. I can do this. I'll be fine!

Of course I have to go off and jinx myself.

>•<

Numb.

I always feel a numbness but since meeting Iwaizumi it's been easier.

No feelings.

Emotionally... I feel nothing because it's so much easier that letting my feelings take over.

No one cares. No one ever cared.

Since being withIwaizumi it stopped... but not for long.

Kunimi: OMG OIKAWA UR BOI IS A TOTAL SCUMBAG

I was confused but mostly worried. What did he do now? I'm in the hospital have some respect.

Me: what happened?

I'm going to censor his name because I don't even want to think about him. Let's call him... Mr.-Dirty-Rotten-Cumbag-Full-Of-Jizz-And-Shit... yep... sounds about right.

Kindaichi: he went around telling everyone that you have an eating disorder. Like that's so fucked up. You obviously don't

Kindaichi: I honestly have no idea where he got that from! You eat during lunch and even have ice cream and stuff like that's such a fucked up thing to accuse someone of. It's pretty apparent that it's not true so I'll stick up for you bro

What does he mean by "obviously"? Do I not look like I have an eating disorder enough? Am I not bad enough to deserve all this help? It's probably true. There's someone who needs this more than me. Why am I even here?

Besides that... he told me he wouldn't tell anybody. I trusted him. I... trusted... him. How could I be so stupid to trust someone. I'm such an idiot. People are so going to judge me. I doubt ill stay friends with some people. Oh god... I don't deserve this. The hospital. Help. An idiot like me doesn't need this. I don't want it anymore. I don't want help. I don't want to eat. I was perfectly fine going on how I was. Everybody liked me. People would compliment me on how skinny I looked.

'Oh Oikawa! I wish I could be as skinny as you!' I wasn't skinny but people thought I was. All this hospital is doing is making me...

"Oi... Oiks, what's wrong," Iwaizumi breaks my thoughts. I look up emotionless and slap on my fake smile.

"Nothing," lies. "I'm fine," all lies.

"Oiks... really..." he takes my hands.

"Just usual E.D. shit," I make swirling motions around my head.

"Well tell it to shut up because Iwaizumi will pummel them if they don't," he says matter of factly. He does a small smile and shrugs his shoulders like 'of course I would. I'd do anything to get those voices away.'

"Thanks," I give a small chuckle.

>•<

Iwaizumi and Daichi immediately notice me not eating any dinner. Usually Iwaizumi and I dig in to get it over with. Now... I'm not. There's no point. I take up too much space anyway.

"Love..." Iwaizumi says in his usual gruff voice. "One bite?" He doesn't know how to be soft but I can tell he's trying. My eating disorder rips away my ability to feel. To open up. It puts up a tall, tall that nobody can get across. So I just sit back and say nothing. I can't take a bite. I take a bite something bad will happen I know it.

"Hey focus on me," it takes everything within me to turn my head to my boyfriend. "Now look that macaroni isn't going to hurt you. But it will hurt that asshole in your head. Let's teach it a lesson."

I don't want him to leave.

I know... I should be happy.

My boyfriend is getting healthy! He also doesn't have to go to residential. That's amazing he gets to skip a care level. I am happy for him. He's so strong.

But...

I don't want to be alone...

Especially with my thoughts...