"What the fuck, Namjoon?"

Taehyung sighs, closing the front door after Namjoon walks in. He's still half asleep as he faces him, his eyes barely open.

    "Do you know what fucking time it is?" He asks looking at him with an aggravated expression. "I have to be up early for work in...three hours."

    "I couldn't sleep thinking you're mad at me."  Namjoon says looking at him, his eyes exhausted and worn out. "I'm sorry, for whatever I did, I won't do it again. I swear, I promise I won't."

    "I'm not mad at you, Joon," Taehyung says rubbing his eye. "I'm mad at myself."

    "Why?" Namjoon asks in confusion, he was convinced that he had been the one to make Taehyung upset.

    "Let's sit down," Taehyung says taking his hand and leading him to the couch, sitting down beside him. "I'm not mad at you, you didn't do anything wrong, Namjoon. It's me...I'm the problem, not you."

Namjoon nods, waiting for him to explain further.

    "I'm upset with myself because I'm so complicated," He says. "I want things to be simple, y'know? I want to be able to have sex with my boyfriend without literally having to tie him up to make myself comfortable. It's embarrassing."

    "You don't have to be embarrassed, Taehyung." Namjoon says. "I know how difficult it is for you, I should've tried to be more sensitive to your situation. And I shouldn't have made you feel like there was something wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with you. I'm sorry."

Taehyung nods, squeezing Namjoon's hand gently. "It's okay, Namjoon."

"I just want you to be comfortable with everything, even if we're just making out or something." Namjoon says. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't hurt me," Taehyung says taking Namjoon's face between his hands. "I promise."

Namjoon nods, letting Taehyung pull him into a gentle kiss. "I love you so much, Tae."

"I love you too," Taehyung says, sighing softly as he pulls him into a hug. "I'm sorry for icing you out."

"It's okay," Namjoon chuckles. "I'm sorry for showing up at four in the morning, I didn't know you had to work."

Taehyung laughs, pulling away from the hug. "You can make it up to me by cuddling my until I fall asleep."

"Will you wake me up before you leave?" Namjoon asks.

"Of course I'll wake you up before I leave." Taehyung says kissing him again before standing. "Come on, I can get another hour in if I try really hard."

Taehyung smiles as he drags Namjoon to his room, laying down with him and letting him be the big spoon. He was glad they could work out their misunderstanding without blowing it out of proportion.

As he's dozing off he thinks about Jeongguk's suggestion to continue their sessions. A strange sense of excitement and fear rushes through him at the thought of working towards Jeongguk touching him.

It made him nervous, and anxious, but he was undeniably excited to see Jeongguk again.

~

"I thought you were gonna stand me up,"

"I wouldn't dream of standing you up, Taehyung,"

Jeongguk shuts the door behind himself as he walks into his room, smiling as he joins Taehyung on the bed.

"I see you got my email," He says. "It's good to see you."

Taehyung nods, chuckling softly. "I'm not gonna lie, I'm actually really nervous."

"That's completely understandable," Jeongguk nods. "I know how intimidating this all can be. You aren't obligated to do anything you aren't one hundred percent comfortable with, you know that."

"Yeah," Taehyung says looking down at his hands. "I just...every time I try to let Namjoon touch me I just shut down. Completely, I just freak out."

"Have you tried since you told him that you were intersex?" Jeongguk asks. "Maybe that fear was rooted in your fear of his reaction."

Taehyung shakes his head, fidgeting with his hands. "I-I haven't, no. After the bondage thing fell through I kind of gave up."

"That's okay," Jeongguk says, giving Taehyung the reassurance that he needed. "We're going to take things slow, we aren't rushing into anything, I promise."

"I trust you," Taehyung sighs. "W-What are we doing first?"

"I just want you to make yourself comfortable," Jeongguk says. "Whatever you need to do, or whatever you need me to do. If you need to touch me, or anything else you need."

Taehyung nods. "Any position?"

    "Any position." Jeongguk nods.

Taehyung nods agains, taking Jeongguk's hand and pulling him over. Making him sit against the headboard before straddling him.

He was most comfortable in this position with Jeongguk, it wasn't as intimidating as it was the first time they sat this way. Jeongguk's arms wrap naturally around his waist, his touch is gentle and attentive.

    "Is this okay?" Taehyung asks looking down at Jeongguk.

    "Yeah," He says offering him a small smile. "Are you okay?"

    "Yeah," Taehyung sighs, looking down. "Just a little nervous."

    "That's okay," Jeongguk says tapping his chin, making him meet his eyes. "Why do you think you chose this position?"

Taehyung glances off in thought for a moment. Trying his best not to be too hyper aware of where Jeongguk's hands were resting on his thighs. "Because...It makes me feel more in control."

    "You don't think you'd feel in control in any other positions?" Jeongguk asks simply.

    "I don't know," Taehyung shrugs. "I just don't like~ I don't like being dominated."

    "You're in control of what happens here, Taehyung," Jeongguk says. "No matter the position, okay?"

Taehyung nods, swallowing dryly. "Okay,"

"What happens next?" Jeongguk asks, his smile growing slightly when he sees Taehyung's expression change.

"I really hate when you do this," He says leaning forward, hiding his face in the crook of Jeongguk's neck. "It's embarrassing."

"You said you wanted to be in control," Jeongguk chuckles. "Tell me what to do."

"How does that help?"

"It does, trust me."

Taehyung sighs, lifting his head and looking down at Jeongguk. He reaches down, taking his hands off his his thighs before kissing him. Pinning both his wrists by his sides.

Jeongguk kisses him back, letting Taehyung lose himself for a moment before pulling away. "Do you trust me?"

"Hm?" Taehyung hums, looking down at him.

"Do you trust me?" Jeongguk repeats, pulling his wrists away from Taehyung before taking his arms and wrapping them around his own neck.

Taehyung hesitates, letting Jeongguk guide his arms. "Yes,"

"Okay," Jeongguk nods, gently placing his hands back on Taehyung's thighs. "Is this okay?"

Taehyung nods despite the twinge of discomfort he feels, he knew he'd never overcome his fear if he didn't face it head on. Jeongguk wasn't hurting him, he wasn't forcing him into anything, he was trying to help him. That's all he was doing.

"Hey," Jeongguk's voice says pulling him from his thoughts. "Focus on me, it's okay."

"I know," Taehyung says. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Jeongguk says, drawing comforting patterns into Taehyung's thighs, the texture of his jeans rough against his fingertips. "Try not to focus on anything but us, we're here, just you and me."

Taehyung nods, closing the space between them again to distract himself. Jeongguk's hands travel up to his waist, his touch his gentle but it's firm as he holds him there. Taehyung is tempted to push his hands away but he doesn't. He tries to focus more on the familiar feeling of Jeongguk's lips against his rather than the way his fingers press into his skin.

Taehyung breaks the kiss long enough to pull Jeongguk's shirt over his head, tossing it to the side as he leans in to kiss him again.

    "Okay," Jeongguk says stopping him. "Do you prefer the stoplight system, or would you rather use a safe word? Or both?"

    "Uhm..." Taehyung trails off breathlessly. "Stoplight is fine."

    "Green?"

    "Mhm,"

    "Yes?" Jeongguk asks, wanting Taehyung to respond more clearly.

    "Yeah," He nods. "Sorry."

    "It's okay," Jeongguk says. "Can I take your shirt off?"

    "O-Okay," Taehyung says assisting him in removing the article of clothing. Jeongguk never initiated taking off his clothes before so it throws him off a little.

    "You're in your head," Jeongguk points out, holding the hem of Taehyung's shirt to keep him from taking it off. "Tell me what you're thinking."

    "...I know you're trying to help me," Taehyung says looking down as tears start to form in his eyes. He hated crying in front of Jeongguk, even though he's done it over a dozen times now. "I just...I don't want you to see."

    "To see what, Tae?" Jeongguk asks, waiting patiently for him to answer.

    "My body," He says without meeting Jeongguk's eyes.

    "You don't have to be insecure, not around me," Jeongguk says. "You're beautiful, you have a beautiful personality. And you're so much more than your body."

Taehyung nods, using his sleeves to dry his tears. He wanted to believe Jeongguk, but he knew he wouldn't think the same after he took off his shirt.

He'd get that same look in his eyes that everyone gets when they see his scars. He'd try to pretend it didn't bother him, he'd probably try to say something reassuring that wouldn't reassure him at all.

    "I'm not here to judge you," Jeongguk says bringing him back to reality. "I don't like seeing you look so ashamed of yourself, you have nothing to be ashamed of."

Taehyung looks up at him and he sees the sensitivity behind his eyes. He sees the genuine smile on his face and he feels himself start to give to the idea of exposing this part of himself to Jeongguk.

    "Color?" He asks. "Be honest, it's okay."

    "Green," Taehyung says reaching for the hem of his jumper. "It's okay, I'm fine."

Jeongguk nods, letting him pull the shirt over his head.

Taehyung watches his expression closely as he drops his shirt on the ground beside the bed. Watching his eyes travel over the scars marking his chest and stomach from the countless nights of abuse he endured from his father and other men let into his life.

He feels the urge to cover himself, to hide the ugly scars that he's been taught to hate, to be disgusted by.

Jeongguk doesn't say anything, he traces over the scars on his sides with the tips of his fingers. "Are you okay?" He asks, Taehyung nods his head silently. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," He says, his voice shaking. "You a-aren't going to say anything?"

"What's there to say?"

"There's always something to say..."

Jeongguk glances away for a second, humming in thought. "If I comment on them then I'd have to comment on your hair, and your eyes, and your smile, and the way you bite your lip when you're nervous~"

    "What?" Taehyung asks in confusion before he continues.

    "I'd have to comment on everything that makes you who you are, everything that contributes to the person you are now. This beautiful person that I know." Jeongguk says looking up at him with a kind smile. "That'd take forever, and we only have forty-five minutes."

Taehyung's initial reaction is to laugh at Jeongguk's words but tears immediately flood his eyes. He hides his face in the crook of Jeongguk's neck, laughing softly despite his tears. "I'm sorry,"

    "Don't apologize," Jeongguk chuckles, hugging Taehyung back. "You're okay, I promise."

    "No one's ever said anything like that to me before," Taehyung says despite his shaky voice. "People usually just look at me like I'm wounded."

    "You aren't wounded, Tae, you're a survivor." Jeongguk says, rubbing gentle circles into Taehyung's back. "I think you're stronger that you even give yourself credit for."

Taehyung doesn't focus on Jeongguk's fingers on his skin, or the way their bare bodies touch as they hug. He doesn't care about either of those things.

All he cares about is the way Jeongguk has managed to take one of his hugest insecurities and make it feel less intimidating. He didn't feel awkward, or embarrassed by the scars littering his skin. He felt accepted and he felt seen.

He felt like they didn't hold the weight they did five minutes ago. He wasn't proud of them, and he wasn't completely comfortable with them. But they didn't make him feel ugly, or useless.

They made him feel strong. They made him feel like what he truly was.

He was a survivor...and Jeongguk made him see that.