"I wish you would've let me come with you,"

Taehyung sighs to himself as he drives to his parents' house, holding his phone to his ear with one hand and steering with the other.

He was dreading today, he felt sick and anxious at the thought of seeing his father, but he didn't have a choice. His mother made that clear in the heated voicemail she left him yesterday telling him to come over.

"I didn't want to make this any more complicated," He tells Jeongguk on the other line. "I just want to get it over with so she'll stop asking me."

"You shouldn't be driving, Tae. What if you get sick again?" Jeongguk asks, Taehyung could tell he was almost as nervous as he was.

"Talking about getting sick is making me feel sick," Taehyung says. "I'm fine alone, they won't do anything."

"Do you want me to stay on the phone?"

"No, Gguk, I'll call you when I'm on the way back," Taehyung says as he turns into the neighborhood. "I'm here now, okay?"

"Okay," Jeongguk sighs, reluctant to get off the phone. "Call me as soon as you leave the house. If you need me to come to get you I'll come as fast as I can."

Taehyung nods even though he knows Jeongguk can't see him, swallowing hard as he parks on the curb outside his childhood home. "O-Okay, love you. Bye."

He ends the call, sitting and staring at the house as he contemplates backing out last minute.

He forces himself to get out of the car, walking to the front door with unsteady legs. He tries to take a deep breath but the more he tries the harder it is, and the more the lump in his throat grows.

He feels himself dissociating the second his mother opens the front door of the house. He suddenly feels detached from himself, and the fear and anticipation he felt seconds ago are replaced by a numb feeling.

    "You came," His mom smiles as she pulls him into the house. "How was the drive up?"

    "Fine," Taehyung responds, looking past his mother. "It wasn't too bad."

    "I was just setting up some coffee in the kitchen," Mrs. Kim says as she looks Taehyung over. "Tae, you know your dad hates when you wear baggy clothes," she says as she straightens the jacket he was wearing.

    "Mom," He says pushing her hands away. He had purposely worn baggy clothes, mostly to make himself feel comfortable. "Can we just get this over with? I have plans."

    "Alright, alright," She says, smoothing his hair down before leading him to the kitchen. "Your dad is excited to see you."

Taehyung feels his throat constricting as they enter the kitchen, his heart hammering against his chest. He doesn't know how to react when he sees him. He doesn't know what to say or do, so he just stands there awkwardly as his father stands to greet him with a smile.

There's a conflicting feeling in his heart when he sees his father. He expected himself to feel shaky and nervous, he expected the dizziness in his head to multiply. But he feels nothing as he looks up at the man standing before him.

   "Son," He says, smiling as he embraces him. "It's good to see you. How are you?"

Taehyung tenses, hugging the man back after a moment. He pulls away first, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jacket. "I'm fine."

    "Here, sweetheart, sit," His mother says pulling a chair from the table. "Are you hungry? I have leftovers from yesterday."

    "I'm fine," Taehyung says sitting down, staring down at the coffee mug in front of him. He envies the steam as he watches it rise and disappear...he wanted to disappear too.

He wants to feel angry and afraid, he wants that sick feeling in his gut to return and remind him who he is sitting across from. But instead, he looks at the smile on his father's face and he is reminded of the times that that smile was the only thing that could comfort him. He's reminded of the time in his life when his father was someone he turned to for comfort. He's reminded of the time in his life when his father was the first person he would look for when he got hurt.

Instead of his father making him feel sick, he's making himself feel sick by actually remembering the good in the man across from him.

He lost that good person at such an early age that he can't even believe his mind is going there.

    "How are things, Taehyung?" His dad asks from where he sits across from him. "Your mother tells me that you've been helping out a lot around the shop."

    "Yeah..." Taehyung says, his voice getting caught in his throat.

    "He's there almost every day," His mom says, smiling fondly at him. "I keep asking if he wants to be a manager but he always refuses."

    "It's good you're still around, Tae. I'm glad at least one of you are," His dad says, referring to his sisters. "Do you still speak with them regularly?"

Taehyung thinks it's weird that he wouldn't even say their names. "No, not really."

    "I'm sure they'll come around eventually," His mom says just as her phone rings against the table. "Oh, that's your aunt."

   "Mom," Taehyung says when she stands to take the call, panic rising in his chest at the thought of being left alone with his father.

    "I'll be right back," She says patting his shoulder before leaving the kitchen to take the call.

Silence settles over the table, Taehyung keeping his eyes focused on the cup of coffee in front of him. The only sound he hears is the blood pumping in his ears as his dad continues to read the newspaper in his hands. He's never felt so conflicted in his life.

    "Your mom told me you were staying in an apartment now," His dad says, continuing to speak casually. "You should start looking for houses, buying is more reasonable than throwing away rent every month."

    "I can't buy a house right now," Taehyung says stiffly.

   "You know we'd buy it for you," His dad says. "I'll look into some places for you, okay?"

    "Okay..." Taehyung responds. He didn't want to move into a house his father would have access to. He didn't even want him to know his address now.

   "I'm going to check on your mother," His dad says standing, squeezing his shoulder on his way out of the kitchen.

Taehyung stands when he's gone, walking to the liquor cabinet and grabbing the first bottle he sees. He pours a generous amount into his coffee cup before putting it back and returning to his seat. He sighs after taking a sip, feeling his body immediately relax.

He just wanted this to be over already.

~

    "Were you drinking?"

    "Please, Jeongguk, don't."

Jeogguk watches Taehyung curl up on the couch with a concerned expression. He didn't have to ask, judging by the way he stumbled through the door, he was drunk.

    "What happened?" Jeongguk asks. "Did he do something?"

    "No, Jeongguk," Taehyung groans, turning his back to him. "I don't want to talk about it."

    "Why were you drinking?" Jeongguk asks. "Come on, Tae, talk to me. Please? I want to help~"

    "I don't want to fucking talk about it, Jeongguk!" Taehyung snaps. "Just leave me the hell alone."

Jeongguk sighs, falling silent before walking to the kitchen to get him some water. He didn't bother pushing anymore, instead, he brings him the water and sits on the floor in front of the couch.

    "Leave me alone, Jeongguk," Taehyung says again, his voice strained as he keeps his back to him. "Why are you being so annoying?"

    "I'm not leaving," Jeongguk says. "I don't care if you're mean to me, I'm not leaving."

    "Why are you like this?" Taehyung asks. "You never listen."

Jeongguk doesn't respond, leaning against the couch as Taehyung continues to cry silently. He didn't want to leave him alone, especially after seeing his dad again after years. He doesn't know how long they sit there before Taehyung sits up.

   "You okay?" Jeongguk asks, trying to read his expression. He stands from the floor and takes a seat next to him. "Can I touch you?

Taehyung nods, leaning into Jeongguk's arms and laying his head in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry~"

    "No, don't apologize," Jeongguk says quickly. "I just want you to talk to me, baby. I don't want you to hold it in."

    "Nothing happened," Taehyung says. "They just acted like nothing happened. So I did too."

    "Okay," Jeongguk nods. "Did that make you upset?"

    "Yeah," Taehyung says, his voice cracking. "Because it did happen, I know it happened and they know it happened. There's a part of me that wants to remember the good times I had growing up but I can't do that. I can't just move on when I'm reminded of what happened every time I look in the fucking mirror."

    "That's normal, Taehyung," Jeongguk says. "Trauma bonding can happen in a parent-child relationship. You can't help but to want to see the good in him."

    "But I don't want to," Taehyung says, his breath catching as more tears form in his eyes. "I want to hate him, I just want to hate both of them."

    "You can't just stop caring about someone you've been conditioned to care about since you were a child, it takes time," Jeongguk says. "But you can do it, you can untangle yourself from the trauma bond if you work at it."

Taehyung sighs, trying to breathe through his tears. "It makes me hate myself."

    "Don't hate yourself," Jeongguk says rubbing small circles into his back. "Growth takes time, and it hurts like hell. But it'll be worth it, I promise."

Taehyung nods, closing his eyes and laying against Jeongguk. "I love you."

    "I love you too," He says holding him close. He understood what Taehyung was going through, being in an abusive relationship with someone you are expected to love unconditionally is hard.

He just had to do his best to be there to help him through his healing.