This book is intended for YAs/Mature audiences.

~

"What's wrong with me?"

"There's nothing wrong with you."

Namjoon pulls Taehyung into his arms, comforting him as he cries into his hands.

Most nights weren't like this, most nights were fine. But whenever they tried new positions, or even a new pet name while making out, this happened. Taehyung would get too overwhelmed and want to quit. Which was fine with Namjoon, he didn't mind stopping. He just hated the fact that he made Taehyung so uncomfortable.

"I thought I was ready~"

"It's okay, Taehyung."

Taehyung pulls away from Namjoon, grabbing his shirt with trembling hands. He didn't want to be this way, it wasn't fair to Namjoon for him to initiate intimacy only to immediately call it off.

"I'll get you some water." Namjoon says standing and leaving the bedroom. Not bothering to put his shirt back on.

When he returns he finds Taehyung laying on his side of the bed under the covers. His back facing the door as he continues to wipe his tears.

"Don't be upset, Tae, you tried. That's all that matters." Namjoon says sitting the water on the bedside table before crawling into bed next to him. Pulling him back against his chest with his right arm hugging his waist. "I know you wanted to go through with it this time but you still made progress."

"It's embarrassing at this point, Namjoon." Taehyung sniffles. "I want to, I really do. It's not fair to you~"

"Don't worry about me. This isn't about me." Namjoon says firmly. "I love you for you, Tae. You know that."

Taehyung nods, turning around in Namjoon's arms so that he's facing him. "I love you too."

Namjoon smiles as he kisses him, drawing small patterns into his hip as he deepens the kiss. The older pulls away after a moment, much to Taehyung's dismay. "Slow down."

"I want to help you, I'll feel guilty if I don't." Taehyung says kissing him again. "Please, Namjoon. I want to make you feel good."

"Tae~" Namjoon chokes out a heavy moan when Taehyung's hand slips under his briefs, biting his lip as he grabs his wrist. "Only if you're comfortable."

"I'm okay with this." Taehyung promises. "I'm okay touching you like this."

There were things he was fine doing sexually with Namjoon. Things that consisted mostly of him giving pleasure rather than receiving it.

    "Just don't touch me." Taehyung says making Namjoon take his arm from around him before straddling his waist.

Namjoon holds back another moan as Taehyung continues to jerk him off, forcing himself to keep his hands by his side.

    "You're so good, Taehyung." The older forces out through his heavy breathing.

Taehyung moans softly at the praise, pressing his forehead against Namjoon's as he eagerly gets him off.

Namjoon comes with a grunt, his mouth falling open in a silent scream as Taehyung continues to stroke him through his orgasm.

The younger climbs off of him immediately after. Sighing as he wiped his hands off with some tissues.

Namjoon gets up to clean himself after fully coming down from his high.

Their relationship wasn't strained because of their sex life. Namjoon wasn't with Taehyung because he was looking for a good fuck. He was with him because he wanted companionship and love.

But no matter how many times Namjoon told him that, Taehyung still felt like he was useless to Namjoon.

~

    "I just froze when he touched me."

    "Did you take my advice?"

Taehyung sighs, looking down at his hands as he sat across from his therapist. He's been seeing Dr. Park for over a year now to try and sort out his fears when it comes to sex.

    "It's hard to remember what you say when I'm in the moment." He admits. "All I can think about is him."

    "He doesn't control you anymore, Taehyung." Dr. Park says pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "And he's going to be in prison for a long time for what he did to you."

    "That doesn't make me feel any better, Dr. Park." Taehyung says swallowing hard as he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

    "Call me Jimin," The doctor says. "Don't put up that wall."

    "I'm not. Sorry." The younger says. "I don't know what to do anymore, Jimin. I've been in a relationship for over a year and I can't even think about him...y'know?"

Jimin nods as he glances off in thought for a moment. "I think I know what you need. But you have to be open to trying something new."

    "I'll try anything at this point." Taehyung sighs tiredly. "What are you thinking?"

    "I'm going to pair you with a surrogate partner to work with." Jimin says scribbling something down on his clipboard.

    "Surrogate?"

    "Yes," Jimin says uncrossing his legs as he hands Taehyung the note. "Someone, who isn't Namjoon, that can help you through your intimacy issues."

    "W-What do you mean?" Taehyung asks reading the note. "Who is this?"

    "He's one of the best. He's professional and he's well trained." Jimin says standing and walking to his desk. "I'll call and arrange the meeting so you have nothing to worry about but showing up on time."

    "I'm supposed to have sex with this guy?" Taehyung asks looking up at Jimin. "How am I supposed to have sex with him if I can't even have sex with my boyfriend?"

    "It's not about having sex, Taehyung. It's about intimacy." Jimin says. "Namjoon may not be the right person for you to overcome your fears with. So I think this is what's best."

Taehyung sighs reluctantly as he reads over the meeting place and time.

    "You can always change your mind." Jimin says. "It's just a thought."

He would have to have a serious conversation with Namjoon about this before being one hundred percent sure, but he was genuinely willing to try anything.

~

    "You can say no, I'll understand."

Taehyung watches Namjoon's expression anxiously, looking down at his hands as he fidgets nervously with his bracelet.

    "If it's something you want to try I can't say no." Namjoon says taking his hand, making him meet his kind eyes. "Whatever you need, I'll understand. It's your body, not mine."

    "You're my boyfriend," Taehyung says looking at him with a conflicted look in his eyes. "I want you to be comfortable with it too."

    "Dr. Park said it's completely normal for couples to experiment with a surrogate partner." Namjoon says. "And you said it might help for you to try it."

    "I know what I said, Joon, I wanna know what you think." Taehyung says. "Don't just tell me what you think I wanna hear."

Namjoon smiles softly at him. "I trust you, and I trust your decisions, all of them. I think you should do it if you want."

    "Really?"

    "Really,"

Taehyung nods, his shoulders visibly relaxing as he accepts Namjoon's words. "It doesn't mean I'm gonna have sex with him, you know that?"

    "Mhm," Namjoon nods. "I read up about it after you mentioned it on the phone earlier."

    "Okay," Taehyung sighs. "I'm gonna call Jimin and tell him I'll do it."

    "Okay," Namjoon says leaning in to kiss him. "I love you."

    "I love you more," Taehyung smiles as he meets him half way. "You're so understanding."

Namjoon chuckles as he pulls away, squeezing Taehyung's hand before standing from the bed. "I'll let you call Jimin."

    "No," Taehyung says pulling him back. "I'll call Jimin tomorrow, cuddle me until I fall asleep."

    "I always end up falling asleep too," Namjoon laughs as Taehyung makes him get under the covers. "I have class tomorrow morning."

    "I'll wake you up in time if you fall asleep." Taehyung says wrapping Namjoon's arm around himself. "I can't sleep without you holding me."

    "Okay, okay," Namjoon says kissing Taehyung's exposed shoulder. "What are you doing tomorrow?"

    "My mom has me at the shop again," Taehyung says, sighing as he relaxes into Namjoon's embrace. His body heat warming him and making him feel safe, and protected from anything bad. "If you come see me between classes I'll give you a free macchiato."

    "Your mom hates when you give me free food," Namjoon chuckles. "I don't mind paying for it."

    "She doesn't, every time she sees me making you a drink she tells me to give you something to eat with it." Taehyung says. "She only acts upset to seem tough."

    "Mm," Namjoon hums. "I'll stop by then."

    "Okay," Taehyung says with a smile, already looking forward to see Namjoon at work tomorrow. "I love you."

    "I love you more," Namjoon says before they both fall silent.

Taehyung closes his eyes, focusing on his and Namjoon's breathing to keep his mind from wondering.

He wouldn't rather be anywhere else.