AS WE ARE,

Xiaoting leaned on the doorframe of Yeojin's bedroom, watching as she laid on the floor, her eyes glued to the white star-cluttered ceiling. The record player on the floor beside her was spinning as it played some melancholy rock music that'd been on repeat for the past couple of hours. Xiaoting let out a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest. "Yeojin," she called her roommate's name, a part of her worried about the way she was behaving. "I think you should get up."

Yeojin's eyes shifted from her ceiling to Xiaoting's figure, only glancing at her before they went back to their original position. "I don't really want to," she said, blinking slowly. "If I get up, I have to be productive, and I don't really want to do that right now."

Xiaoting sighed, a wave of pity washing over her as she watched her roommate remain in the same position, refusing to move. She remembered the conversation they'd had the night before, wondering if the words they'd exchanged had anything to do with the way she was acting now.

"Where'd you go?" Xiaoting had asked Yeojin as she walked through the door with a four pack of beer in her right hand. It was well past one in the morning, and the only reason Xiaoting was even up was because she was had an exam due the next day that she hadn't studied for.

Yeojin threw her keys onto the table on the side, completely missing the bowl. "I went for a walk," she said, kicking her shoes off. "I had to think about something."

Xiaoting's brow raised in speculation. "And you brought back alcohol?" Yeojin's movements came to a halt as she stared at the four pack in her hand, a quiet sigh escaping from her lips.

"The walk didn't help," she mumbled, making her way to where Xiaoting sat on the couch and sitting on the opposite end, taking a can of beer into her hand as she opened it. Yeojin drank from the can, practically chugging half of it. She then glanced at Xiaoting, offering her one. "You can have one," she said. "If you want."

"I'm okay," she said. "But do you want to tell me what's on your mind?" Yeojin shook her head, grunting as she took another sip of the beer. "Okay then." Xiaoting turned her attention back to her notes, trying to cram as much information into her head as possible. Silence fell upon them, until Xiaoting heard Yeojin sigh once more, watching her rub the side of her face harshly from her peripheral vision.

"He finally responded, you know," Yeojin spoke, breaking the silence. "Jiwoong, I mean. He called me the other day." Xiaoting turned her head, somewhat shocked.

"What'd he say?" she asked. Curiosity was only natural, given she'd also sent him tons of messages and still hadn't received a single reply.

"He told me he missed me."

Yeojin's eyes were filled with a type of sadness Xiaoting had never seen on her roommate's face before. Sure, she tended to be quite pessimistic, both in her writing and in her nature, but this was different. All those other times that Jiwoong had been brought up in conversation, she'd never seen that look on her face. It was almost as if she were contemplating what could've been.

"And what'd you tell him?" Xiaoting had closed her laptop at this point, her full attention on Yeojin. She crossed her legs beneath her, turning her body to fully face the other girl. "That you missed him too?"

"Something like that," Yeojin sighed again, staring at the wall across from them. "I asked him why he wouldn't answer any of my messages, if he'd finally found what he was looking for. And then when he told me he wasn't sure why he didn't respond and that he was still just as lost as the day he left, I told him I missed him too." Her lips formed a thin line as she turned her head in Xiaoting's direction, their eyes meeting. She couldn't tell if it was from all the alcohol she'd had before the can in her hand, but Yeojin felt her eyes begin to well up with tears as she looked at her roommate. "That's all I ever tell him, Xiaoting," she said, her voice cracking slightly. "That I miss him."

"He's your friend," Xiaoting spoke, trying to comfort her. "Of course you miss him. If I'd hung out with someone the way you two did, I'd miss them too."

"But that's not it." There was frustration in Yeojin's tone, a hand coming up to harshly wipe her cheek as a tear escaped her eyes. "I don't just miss him. It's more than that now, and he knows that."

"Okay, and what's the problem?"

"The problem is the whole point of us even being friends is so that he can realize I fucking suck." At this point, Yeojin had given up on holding back her tears, letting them fall one by one, then altogether. "But he doesn't think I suck. He never did, and now all I can think about is that I actually liked being around him." She paused, covering her eyes with her free hand. "I actually liked Jiwoong."

Shen Xiaoting knew that. From the moment she saw Yeojin trying to sneak him out of their house the first time they'd met, the sun slowly beginning to rise as its rays peeked through the morning clouds. She knew from the way Yeojin kept trying to make excuses despite Xiaoting never asking who he was or why they were in such a hurry to get him out the door. She noticed it in the way Jiwoong looked at her as he stepped out of their house, and in the way Yeojin looked at the door after she'd closed it.

"Does he know?" Xiaoting asked quietly, afraid that her question would only ignite more tears from Yeojin.

"God, I really hope not," she said, sniffling and chuckling dryly. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he knew." Xiaoting hummed, watching Yeojin finish the rest of her can before setting it down on the floor, proceeding to rub her face with both of her hands. "But I also couldn't have been more obvious, you know?"

"If it helps, I think he also likes you," Xiaoting said.

"It wouldn't matter if he did," Yeojin replied, leaning her head back on the couch. "I don't want to ruin what we have over some attraction I happen to feel for him now that he's not here." Her eyes lingered on the ceiling, her vision distorting as she began to space out, trapped in her own thoughts once again. "It's better to stay as we are."

Despite wanting it so badly, Xiaoting could never name a time where Yeojin did not give in to what she wanted. Even now as she watched her sprawled across her bedroom floor, her eyes red and tired from all the crying she'd done on the couch last night. It was as if Yeojin couldn't stand the idea of being happy.

Or perhaps it was something more than that.

"I'm going to class then," Xiaoting spoke, deciding to give up for the time being. "Let me know if you want me to get you something from work, okay? I'll be home later."

"Okay," Yeojin said. "Have fun."

Hours passed as Bae Yeojin remained on the floor, her eyes closed as she succumbed to sleep. By the time her eyes opened, the sun had begun to set, the pink and orange sky illuminating her bedroom through the window. The record player beside her had stopped, the house now eerily quiet as Yeojin sat up and ran a hand through her hair. She wondered how long she'd been there, when the music had stopped playing, if perhaps everything that'd happened the night before had been nothing but a dream. She wondered if the realization of her feelings for Kim Jiwoong, a dear friend, had been nothing but a passing thought, but the utter thought of that alone was enough for her to know that it wasn't. The realization had been real.

Her feelings were real, as much as she hated to admit.

With a sigh, Yeojin got off the floor and reached for her jacket that'd been thrown across her bed. Her eyes lingered there, on the untouched sheets, on the single pillow that'd been used by Jiwoong so often the scent of him still remained. Then she put on her jacket and walked out of her room, passing Xiaoting's closed door, passing the empty living room and kitchen, and stopping in front of the front door as she struggled to put her shoes on.

Bae Yeojin had no idea where she was going as she stepped out of the house. Her thoughts were clouded with images of Jiwoong, and being in her bedroom, the place he so often resided in, only seemed to make her feel worse, her heart aching much more than she could manage. She let her feet take her anywhere — perhaps to Xiaoting's work as she waited for her once again. Or maybe her feet would lead her to the ends of the Earth, with no real destination.

"Yeojin?"

She turned around, met by a familiar pair of warm, brown eyes. She blinked once, eyes narrowing as she tried to remember the male's name. "Hanbin," she said, watching a smile stretch across his face.

"You remembered," he said, taking a few steps closer to her. "How've you been?"

Bae Yeojin felt terrible. She felt like her heart was being crushed right before her, her lungs collapsing and her brain decaying. In all honesty, she felt like she was dying — and oh, how she'd love it if the ground swallowed her whole in that moment, her flesh finally returning to the place where it originated from, the Earth.

But Sung Hanbin didn't need to hear her say any of that. It was quite visible how she felt on her face.

"I've been better," Yeojin said, realizing that she did look unwell as she looked down at her outfit, still wearing her pajama pants with a black jacket thrown over the first shirt she happened to come across. "You can tell, right?"

"A bit," Hanbin laughed. His laugh was contagious, Yeojin thought as she smiled back at him. "I didn't think I'd run into you here."

Yeojin looked around, noticing that he'd caught her outside the convenience store close to the university campus, but also not too far from her house. "This is actually a pretty common place," she said, stuffing her hands into her pockets. "I think of all places, here is where you'd run into me."

"That's not what I meant," he said as he laughed again. "I just didn't think I'd ever run into you again."

The silence that fell upon them was comfortable, as if they'd known each other their whole lives. Yeojin believed it was Hanbin's kindness radiating off of him, like a white light that could've consumed her whole in that moment. She stared at him, noticing the way a smile always rested on his face, his eyes always so full of happiness. It was like nothing had ever gone wrong in that man's life, nothing had ever hurt him before.

For a moment, Yeojin envied him. And then, she pitied herself.

"Do you wanna walk with me?" Hanbin then asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. "If you're not going anywhere, that is."

"Sure," Yeojin said. "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere." Hanbin walked past her as Yeojin followed, both falling into step as they walked side by side. "I mean, I don't really have anywhere to go, you know?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "I get that."

Hanbin glanced at Yeojin, her eyes focused on the pavement of the ground beneath their feet, a sort of solemn look in her eyes. A part of him wanted to ask her what was wrong, wanted to comfort her despite only having met her twice — but he knew better than to ask, even if the question was eating him alive.

He figured it was simply better the stay as they were.