WHERE YOU WANT ME,

There was hesitation in Yeojin's steps as she contemplated knocking on Jiwoong's front door. A sense of fear had overwhelmed her, though she was unsure as to why she felt that why. Perhaps it was because she was afraid of what was waiting for her beyond that door, the loud sounds of rap music blasting through the walls, the inescapable warmth of drunk bodies pressed against each other already evident before she even walked inside.

"Come on," Xiaoting spoke up, snapping Yeojin out of her thoughts as she stood behind her impatiently. "Are you really thinking about going home? Now?"

"If you think about it, we both have midterms in a couple of days," Yeojin said, trying to come up with an excuse. "Plus, what good would walking home drunk do if it's literally 49 degrees outside?"

"And that's exactly why we should go inside! It's so cold." Xiaoting reached around Yeojin's frame, attempting to grab the doorknob, though she was stopped by Yeojin's hand. Xiaoting groaned, "What, Yeojin? What now?"

"I just—" Yeojin struggled to find words to explain her actions. She'd never been so nervous about going to a party before — in fact, she was usually the one that suggested it — so why was she suddenly nervous now? Why did going inside sound so much worse than standing outside in almost freezing temperatures?

Why did attending Kim Jiwoong's party sound like a terrible idea?

Xiaoting stared at her, waiting for a response with an annoyed look plastered all over her face. "Listen," she started, desperate to go inside. "I've always been supportive of what you want to do, Yeojin, because I love you and you're my friend but right now, my legs are about to freeze in place. If I don't have a shot in my hand in the next five minutes, so help me God, I will change the locks on you."

"That's so mean," Yeojin frowned. "How could you say that?"

"Is that enough motivation to make you go inside?"

She felt out of place, as if everyone's eyes were drawn to her, judging her, ripping her open. It felt so wrong, being in a place where no one knew who she was, where no one bothered to find out who she was. Yeojin hated it, the feeling of intimidation she'd gotten as she tried to push her way through people, searching for the bathroom. But it seemed every corner of Jiwoong's apartment was overflowing with people, and it felt so suffocating — to the point where she felt she was going to throw up.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, causing her to jolt. She turned around, defensively, only to come face to face with Kim Jiwoong himself. Her previous anxiousness slowly began to settle. "Where've you been?" he asked, unaware that Yeojin was on the verge of a panic attack just a couple seconds ago. "I've been searching everywhere for you and Xiaoting didn't know where y—"

"I think I need to go home," Yeojin cut him off, her eyes wandering frantically from one side of the room to the other. "I don't—" She took in a deep breath, struggling. "I don't feel good and if I stay, I'll just feel even worse."

Jiwoong looked at her, concerned. He was fairly tipsy, perhaps already drunk — she could see it in the way he took a couple seconds longer to respond, his brain moving slower than usual. "You need to go home?" he repeated, still processing her words. His voice was loud, trying to speak over the music. "But you just got here. I haven't seen you in a week."

To be clear, Bae Yeojin had been avoiding Kim Jiwoong for the past week, afraid that he'd distract her from preparing for midterms any more than she already was. But it seemed that forcing herself to stay away from Jiwoong only did more damage, considering she'd barely gotten anything done. Still, she would never admit that to him — especially not now that he was right in front of her.

She felt bad, the way his smile turned into a frown, the way he was so happy to see her just for her to leave the moment he found her. But if she stayed any longer, she felt she'd explode.

Before Yeojin could say anything, Jiwoong grabbed her wrist, dragging her through the crowds of people and around a corner and walking down the hallway to his room. He'd locked the door, now struggling to unlock it with his key, his eyes sleepy. But he was determined to get in, eventually fitting the key in the hole, pushing the door open as he gestured for Yeojin to go inside. She looked at him, and Jiwoong finally realized what it looked like he was doing. "Don't worry, I won't do anything," he laughed.

Once they were inside, Jiwoong closed the door behind him, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair. "You can sit wherever," he said, waving his hand around. "Just— give me a moment."

Yeojin sat cross-legged on Jiwoong's bed, her breath leveling out as she watched him stand in the corner of his room, trying to sober up. She didn't know if it was simply because he already felt hungover or because he couldn't stand to keep her company while under the influence. She heard him take in a couple of deep breaths, then he walked across the room and grabbed a water bottle that he'd left on his desk, drinking it. "Okay," he said, sitting down in his chair. "What's wrong, Yeojin?"

"I think there's just something wrong with me," Yeojin spoke quietly despite the loud noises from outside bleeding through the walls. "You know, I usually don't turn down an invitation to party," she started, "but today I just felt so..." Yeojin struggled to find her words again, beginning to get frustrated with herself. "I felt like every bad thing that could possibly happen to me would happen tonight."

"You could've just stayed home," Jiwoong said. His arms were crossed over his chest as he looked at Yeojin, who seemed to be avoiding him still. "I would've understood."

"But then I'd feel even more terrible."

"Because of my birthday?"

"Exactly."

"Yeojin," he started, leaning forward. "Look at me." Jiwoong waited for her head to turn and her eyes to meet his before continuing. "I don't care about my birthday," he spoke softly. "Matthew's the one that threw the party, not me. If I had any say in what I did today, I probably would've just spent it trying to get you out of your room again." He was smiling as he spoke to her, but Yeojin couldn't find it in her to reciprocate his smile. "And if that didn't work, them I would've spent it watching all those movies you recommended."

"That's so boring," she mumbled. "Why would you want to spend your birthday with me?"

"Because I think you're nice," he said. "You always have something to say, even if we don't agree sometimes. If you let me, I'd probably follow you everywhere. I'd go wherever you wanted me to."

Yeojin chuckled, "You already do."

"Exactly." A comfortable silence fell between them, both running out of things to talk about. Yeojin didn't know if she should explain herself — why she refused to see Jiwoong the past week, which as a result only made her a bit more miserable — but he was already a step ahead, clearing his throat before he spoke. "Why did you avoid me?" Jiwoong asked, leaning back in his chair.

She sighed. "To be honest, I don't know," she said. "I just thought maybe if I didn't have you around for a while, I'd be able to focus."

"Did it work?"

Yeojin wanted to tell him the truth, how not having Jiwoong around to keep her company made her feel as if a part of her was missing, that not being able to talk to him was killing her, slowly eating her alive. She wanted to tell him that his absence only made her more anxious, more paranoid than she'd ever been in her life. Perhaps it was because she'd gotten so used to having him around the past couple of months, so used to him reassuring her that she was, in fact, a better person than she believed. Without him, it was like being stripped naked, all of her insecurities and thoughts that kept poking at the back of her brain on full display for the entire world to see. She felt so vulnerable, it made her sick.

But Bae Yeojin didn't tell him that. The words were caught in the back of her throat and she feared if they somehow did manage to roll off her tongue, she wouldn't be able to face him anymore.

"Hm," she hummed, thinking. "It just wasn't... ideal. It would've been nice to have a distraction from time to time. You know, like a little break."

"So you're telling me you didn't miss me at all?" Jiwoong's eyes widened slightly, his tone expectant, a part of him hoping that she did, in fact, miss him — because God knows he missed her terribly. "Not even a bit?"

"If you had been there, I wouldn't have minded," she said, an indirect response to a simple yes-or-no question.

Jiwoong nodded, humming as he stood up from his chair and grabbed the nearest jacket, putting his arms through the sleeves. "Okay," he said, zipping it up halfway.

"Are you going somewhere?" Yeojin asked, sitting up straight.

"I'm taking you home," he replied, waiting for her to stand up. "I'd let you take my room, but I don't think it'll be quieting down anytime soon."

Right. Yeojin had forgotten that there was a party going on, on the other side of the wall, music and people so loud she felt her head start to ache once again. "Okay." Yeojin moved towards the end of the bed and stood up, fixing her jacket that'd exposed her shoulder. She looked up, noticing that Jiwoong had been staring at her. "What?"

"So scandalous," he joked, pointing at her shoulder. "Can't have you walking around like that. Who knows what would happen."

"Haha, so funny. Let's go."

Yeojin couldn't quite describe it, but there was something about having Jiwoong around that left her mind at ease. Even as he dragged her through the crowd of people once again, there was not an anxious muscle in her body. Perhaps because she knew Jiwoong's grip on her wrist wouldn't be loosening anytime soon, reassuring her that he was with her no matter what.

Just as he was about to open the door, a voice called him. "Jiwoong!" They turned around, watching a wasted Matthew stumble towards them with a red cup in his hand. Once he reached them, he used Jiwoong's arm as a balance. "You're leaving your own party? I put so much effort into it."

Jiwoong chuckled. "Just getting some air," he said. "I'm taking Yeojin home."

Matthew's eyes moved from Jiwoong's to Yeojin, who he now realized was the girl standing beside his roommate. "I thought you weren't here," he slurred. "Your roommate's wasted over th—"

"She'll manage," Yeojin cut him off, still upset with Xiaoting's words from before. "She usually does."

"Okay." Matthew turned his attention back to Jiwoong, his eyes struggling to focus. "You better come back tonight," he said.

"I can't promise you anything," Jiwoong smiled, opening the door as he gestured for Yeojin to go outside. "See you later, Matt."

Before Matthew could get another word in, Jiwoong closed the door, instantly closing his eyes as the cold began to gnaw at his exposed face. "Home?" he asked Yeojin, walking down the steps that led to the front door.

"Yeah," she said, walking beside him. "You're welcome to stay if you want, but you're probably rushing to get back to your party, right?"

"Not really," Jiwoong said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "It wasn't fun without you."

Yeojin hummed, a shiver running down her spine. There were many times during their walk home that she considered telling him the truth, maybe finally deciding to open herself fully to Jiwoong instead of running in circles around him. But what was the point? They were just friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

And still, Yeojin couldn't help but wonder sometimes what things would've been like if they'd been more than that.