A FRIENDSHIP WORTHWHILE,

Kim Jiwoong was not in love with Bae Yeojin. He did not listen to every word she spoke as if it were the most important thing he'd ever heard because he liked her, but simply because there was no other sound to listen to. His eyes did not linger on the side of her face when she averted her gaze, focusing on something else as she spoke to him, because he liked her, but because there was simply nothing else to look at. He did not look for her in a sea of people, his eyes scanning every person that walked out of the library near their campus as the time neared midnight because he liked her, but because there was no one else he could possibly be looking for.

Kim Jiwoong was not in love with Bae Yeojin, but if he were, he wouldn't necessarily be against it.

See, Jiwoong's had his fair share of women, all to which he would consider interesting — in their own, unique way. But when it came to Yeojin, all he could really think about was how opposed she was to being his friend, how she wanted nothing to do with him after that night they spent talking on her doorstep. Perhaps it was because no one had ever denied liking him before, always giving him what he wanted without him having to ask for it. Or perhaps it was the thrill of chasing after someone for once, the adrenaline kicking in whenever their eyes met, his heart racing so fast he felt it'd jump right out of his chest.

A part of him still believed Yeojin didn't care much about him, that she let him stick around because she had no other way to waste time, because he just happened to be the best option for a distraction. And even if it was true — even if Yeojin really did hate him — it wouldn't change the fact that Kim Jiwoong was drawn to her like a magnet.

"I've already seen this movie," Yeojin mumbled, her eyes glued to her laptop screen as she scrolled through her Netflix account, searching for a movie to watch. She was sitting in a corner in the library, surrounded by shelves of Spanish literature. She was supposed to be studying for her midterm, but decided to push it back another day in the end. Jiwoong was seated beside her, the earbuds connected to her laptop in his ear as he shared with Yeojin, listening to the trailers before they were cut off by her scrolling. Yeojin huffed, "Nothing's good here. I've already seen most of these."

Kim Jiwoong really had no business being in the library at eleven at night, considering he had no pending exams and was extremely tired, but there he was — to no one's surprise really. He side-eyed her, his eyes returning to her laptop screen. "Shouldn't that be a sign to study?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It's a sign that Netflix's collection is shit," she said, leaning back in her chair. "Should I just rewatch Warm Bodies? Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Do what you want," Jiwoong said. "I haven't seen it anyway."

Yeojin paused, turning to look at the male beside her slowly. "You haven't seen Warm Bodies?" she repeated. "Really? The zombie movie where the zombie falls in love with a human after eating her boyfriend's brain? You haven't seen it?"

A concerned look appeared on his face. "That's the kind of stuff you watch?" he asked. "Should I be worried?"

"Jiwoong," she started, turning her whole body to face him. "The only thing you should be worried about is your mind blowing after we watch the best zombie-romance movie that has ever — and I mean ever — been released."

"Someone's excited."

"For good reason!" Yeojin exclaimed. "It's a masterpiece. Watch." She closed out of the tab and opened up her Files folder. "I even have it downloaded to my laptop. That's how good it is."

Jiwoong never really payed attention to movies. He found most of them to be boring, but that was probably because he didn't know much about them anyway. He didn't pay attention to the details in the cinematography, the foreshadowing to events that would happen in the future — stuff like that. It all bored him, but watching that movie as he sat beside Yeojin, who was probably on her millionth rewatch considering she was mumbling the script the entire time, he felt the need to pay attention, to become as invested as she was.

Kim Jiwoong had this really bad habit of making himself like whatever Bae Yeojin liked, simply because he believed maybe she'd like him a little more. Maybe, if he agreed with her political views and enjoyed the same movies that she did, Yeojin would realize that being friends with him was worthwhile.

Maybe she'd finally realize that Jiwoong stuck around because he simply wanted to.

"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" Yeojin asked, walking beside Jiwoong. He had fallen behind a couple of steps, his eyes focused upward toward the dark night sky. She turned around, walking backward. "Like, what do you think you'll be doing in the future?"

"Hm," Jiwoong hummed, his hands behind his back. "Don't know," he said. "Definitely not here. I think I'd be traveling, maybe finally visit Europe like I intend to."

"What's in Europe?"

"Italy, Monaco, Ireland, Germany, Netherlan—"

"Not that," Yeojin laughed. "I know what countries are in Europe. What I meant was what do you think is waiting for you there?"

"Hot chicks and nude beaches." Yeojin scoffed and turned back around, a smile growing on Jiwoong's face as he chuckled. "What, is that not what you wanted to hear?"

She shook her head in disapproval, "I can't even look at you right now."

"I thought we weren't gonna judge each other." Jiwoong's pace increased as he finally caught up with her, finding her reaction amusing. "Fine," he said. "What do you want me to say?"

"It's not what I want you to say," Yeojin replied. "It's what you actually think you'd have done with your life at the time." She paused, waiting for a response from him, then continued when she realized she wouldn't receive one. "If it helps, I don't know what I'll be doing in ten years," she said quietly, as if afraid to admit it.

"Then why'd you ask me?"

"Because I figured at least you'd have a plan." Yeojin stopped at a light, pushing the button to cross and waiting. She turned to look at Jiwoong, "As much as I like to make fun of you, you're probably more prepared when it comes to the future than I am," she said, "and I don't know how I feel about that."

Jiwoong exhaled, watching as his breath turned white in front of him due to the cold temperatures. "You can figure it out as you go," he said in an attempt to comfort Yeojin. "You don't have to have everything figured out yet. God knows I don't."

"Yeah." Yeojin nodded, walking forward as the light signaled to them that they could cross the street. "I guess you're right."

In all honesty, Kim Jiwoong had an idea of what his future looked like. He'd probably be traveling like he told her before, staying at five star hotels (because his parents would never even consider anything less) and eating at Michelin star restaurants. He imagined himself alone most of the time, occasionally accompanied by someone he'd met along the way, only to end up alone again as he traveled to another country. Before, he would've considered it to something worth waiting for, a future many would envy him for. But now, he felt there was something wrong with it, as if there was something he was missing — though he wasn't quite sure what it was. All he knew now was that he didn't want to live a life like that.

Not unless it was with Bae Yeojin.

"I won't stay long," Jiwoong said as Yeojin pulled out her keys, unlocking her front door. "Your roommate's probably sick of seeing me every morning."

"Xiaoting doesn't mind," she said. "In fact, I think she has a little crush on you. Probably because you're always wearing those stupid tank tops, showing off your big arms all the time." She opened the door for Jiwoong to step inside. "Plus, you live another ten minutes away and it's cold outside. I don't want you to freeze to death."

"I thought that was exactly what you wanted," he joked, watching Yeojin roll her eyes. He walked in and closed the door behind him, smiling to himself. "Wait, you think my arms are big?" he asked, taking his shoes off. "Was that a compliment?"

"You're getting way too ahead of yourself," Yeojin said. "Don't make me kick you out, Jiwoong."

"I don't think Xiaoting would let you anyway."

"You're insufferable." Yeojin took off her jacket, hanging it on the coatrack near the front door as she made her way toward the kitchen, turning the light on and pouring herself a glass of water. Jiwoong followed after her, leaning against the counter as he stood beside her. "I don't know how I put up with you."

"Probably because you're in love with me?"

"Stop saying that," she laughed, punching his arm. "I'm not in love with you, Kim Jiwoong. And if I were, I think I'd kill myself."

"That's harsh," he said, scoffing. "You're always so opposed to the idea — what's so wrong with being in love with me anyway?" Though he was half joking, Jiwoong waited for a response from Yeojin as she thought about her words carefully, a part of her wondering if she should even respond.

"There's nothing wrong with it," she said, refusing to look at him despite Jiwoong waiting for her eyes to meet his. "I just don't think I'd ever want to be." She paused, sighing, her next words quiet. "I couldn't live with myself if I were."

Jiwoong went home at around four in the morning that day, even after Yeojin told him he was more than welcome to stay over. Still, as much as he truly wanted to, he decided against it, thinking back on what she'd told him in the kitchen. His thoughts ran wild as he walked home that night, a sudden wave of confusion washing over him. What did she mean, she'd never want to be in love with him? Why? Was he simply not desirable in her eyes? Or was it because he just wasn't as interesting as she thought he'd be? Even as he laid in his own bed that night (or morning), he couldn't help but feel that perhaps her words were a bit too mean because she meant something else.

Kim Jiwoong found it hard to believe that Bae Yeojin didn't love him. Sure, perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, reading too much into their friendship, but it simply wasn't possible in his eyes. They'd shared so many vulnerable and intimate moments with each other in the short time they'd been friends — hell, she'd already met his parents, seen his childhood home, met his friends. Jiwoong had let her into his life the moment he laid eyes on her, so why hadn't she done the same?

Why did Bae Yeojin refuse to open herself up for him? Perhaps out of fear of what he'd do with her, fear that he'd abandon her like the people before him and those yet to come. Whatever it was, he couldn't quite find a reason why she didn't keep him as close to her heart and he kept her, and maybe that was the difference between the two. But no matter how many times Yeojin would draw the line between them, separating herself from him, Jiwoong would always find himself a step too close, holding onto the hope that one day, Bae Yeojin would let him in.

Kim Jiwoong was not in love with Bae Yeojin — but the thing about Jiwoong was that he had a tendency of becoming too attached to people who didn't want him, even if he ended up getting hurt in the process.