RUNNING IN CIRCLES,

WINTER.

With his brows furrowed in confusion as he sat across from her on her bedroom floor, Kim Jiwoong found it quite difficult to understand Bae Yeojin's nihilistic beliefs. A bowl of strawberries rested in his lap as his eyes moved back and forth between the loose-leaf papers she'd scattered across the floor and her face, fully concentrated as she tried to explain why nothing mattered.

"We live in a materialistic world, Jiwoong," Yeojin spoke, reaching behind her to grab a thick binder with more papers. "It's all about money. Everything in this world revolves around it and it sickens me, the way you all just accept it. We weren't put on this world to worry about money."

Jiwoong nodded, still confused. "Okay," he said, popping a strawberry into his mouth. "Then what were we put here to do?"

Yeojin pointed at him, getting up on her knees. "Absolutely nothing," she said. "Nothing in this world matters. Not the people you meet, not the clothes you buy or the books you read. Absolutely nothing in this world matters because at the end of the day, we're all gonna die and all the effort we put into caring would go to waste."

Jiwoong was lost. Perhaps because it was two in the morning and he'd showed up at her doorstep on a whim, his feet dragging him to her place like a moth to a flame. A part of him was slowly starting to regret even stepping outdoors as he sat across from her with a blank look in his eyes. He stared at her, watching the look on her face change from expectant to disappointed. "You're not getting it," she frowned, sitting down on the floor as her shoulders slumped. "Why am I even talking to you about this?"

"To be fair, this was all you," Jiwoong spoke, his mouth full. "When I knocked on the door, I was not expecting to walk in to you having an existential crisis."

"I'm not having a crisis," Yeojin groaned. "I have to finish writing this stupid, stupid essay that's—" She paused, looking at her phone as she checked the time, "—due in fifteen hours. I haven't even gotten past the introduction."

"What possessed you to become an English major?" Jiwoong asked, his back now on the floor as he stared at the bedroom ceiling, parts of it covered in newspaper. "Like, what part of you thought majoring in English was a good idea? Did it come to you in a dream or something?"

"It's not even that bad." Yeojin got off the floor, her arms full of papers as she set them on her desk, a hand running through her hair as she let out another sigh. "I usually don't have trouble bullshitting an essay. I don't know what's gotten to me."

"You're in love with me," Jiwoong said, eating the last strawberry. "You're in love with me and it's driving you crazy." He looked at her, smiling when she saw the disgusted look on her face.

"See, I knew you were delusional, but not to this extent," Yeojin said, her eyes narrowing. "I am not in love with you, Kim Jiwoong. If anything, the utter thought of you repulses me."

He winced. "Ouch."

When Kim Jiwoong suggested they be friends, Bae Yeojin took it as a challenge. From the moment he'd walked into her bedroom that oddly chilly October night, she made it her mission to make him realize that she was not worthy of friendship — at least not his. It was self-destructive of her, but she was determined to prove her point, which was that Bae Yeojin was not as good of a person as Kim Jiwoong believed her to be.

However, she was off to a terrible start.

In the past two months, Jiwoong had developed nothing but adoration towards Yeojin — she felt it in the way he looked at her when she spoke of how much of an idiot the guy in her psychology class, Yeonjun, was. She felt it in the way he inched closer to her whenever they sat next to each other, his gaze always focused on the side of her face as she spoke, never really looking at him though her words were directed towards him. And she felt it in his actions, the way he offered to share an earbud with her whenever they rode the bus together, the way he always walked a step behind her, the way he always offered his jacket whenever Yeojin happened to mention that it was too cold outside.

At this point, she felt he'd probably fall in love with her first before he managed to hate her, and that was perhaps the thing Bae Yeojin feared the most — because the last thing she needed was Kim Jiwoong to be in love with her.

"So what are you doing over the break?" Jiwoong asked, sitting up. "Are you going home or...?"

"Or what?"

"Or staying here?"

Yeojin side-eyed him, then went back to organizing her papers. "Why would I go home?" she asked, more to herself than to him. "My parents don't want me home unless there's a ring on my finger and a man clinging to my arm." She scoffed at the thought of them, shaking her head lightly. "They want me to get married more than they want me to get a degree. Stupid."

"You could always just get your degree and then get married," Jiwoong spoke, yawning afterward.

"I just don't want to get married," she said. "Seeing how it's turning out for them, it just seems like such a waste."

"Why, because nothing matters?"

"Because why would I put years of effort into a relationship that's bound to fall apart?"

It was almost a one-sided conversation whenever Jiwoong spoke to Yeojin — as if she wanted to have the last word, as if everything he had to say was worthless because she always had her own beliefs that she stuck to like glue. He stared at her, watching her run a hand through her hair, then pinching the bridge of her nose. "But that's only if you meet the wrong person," Jiwoong spoke.

"That's not it," she said, sitting down on her bed with her legs crossed. "I'm sure there's a person out there waiting for me like everyone else says, and I'm sure they're great, but it'd be such a waste of time."

Jiwoong knew where this was going. "Because you're such a terrible person? Even when everyone around you keeps telling you you're not?"

"Exactly. They don't want this," she said, gesturing toward herself. "You don't want this, yet you stick around. But it doesn't matter, because one day you're gonna wake up and realize all the time you spent with me was a waste."

"That's stupid." Jiwoong laid back down, crossing his arms under his head. "I would've left you alone already if I didn't want to be with you."

"I don't know why you haven't."

"Because I like you." He paused, thinking carefully about his next words. "As a person. Even if you think everyone is out to get you all the time."

Yeojin sighed. This game she was playing, this one-sided game to get Kim Jiwoong to hate her — she was losing, like he was dodging every one of his attacks. She felt she was running in circles around him, like she wasn't getting anywhere. No matter how hard she tried, there was not a single moment in their friendship where Jiwoong was even close to hating her, and she hated it. She hated it because instead of feeling like as unloved and despised as she wanted to (to prove her point), she had never felt more warmth in her heart.

It was almost as if Kim Jiwoong purposely went out of his way to make Bae Yeojin feel loved, just to spite her.

Or perhaps, he truly believed it was simply something she was worthy of feeling.

"Are you sleeping here tonight?" Yeojin asked, changing the topic. "Do I have to lend you my one and only pillow again?"

Jiwoong snorted, "You don't even use that pillow," he said. "I've probably used it more in the last two months than you have since you bought it." He turned his head to the side, his eyes meeting hers, "We can share, if you want."

"Pfft," Yeojin laughed. "Are you suggesting we sleep in the same bed?"

"Your floor is cold!" Jiwoong argued. "Plus, my back hurts. I can never get comfortable."

"No one's forcing you to sleep over," she said. "You can always just go home."

"Nah." He shook his head, "I like sleeping in your room," he said. Then he paused, his eyes now focused on the ceiling above him. "I like being close to you, you know?"

Yeojin knew. As much as she hated to admit it, as much as it pained her to, she knew. But that wasn't even the worst part. The worst past was that she liked being with him too, and the utter thought of it, the simple idea of wanting to be close to him despite all her efforts to push that feeling away — it made her feel as if her heartstrings were being tugged violently, so violently, she felt the tubes would be ripped out if they pulled hard enough.

"Sure," she said, looking at him with her tired eyes, letting out a quiet sigh. "Okay. You can sleep on my bed."

Jiwoong shot up, his once closed eyes now open wide and he looked at Yeojin. "Really?" he asked. "Just like that?"

"Yeah." Yeojin had already moved to get under the covers, her back facing Jiwoong as she spoke to him. "You can have my pillow, just turn off the light. Please."

Despite it being far from the first time Jiwoong had slept in a woman's bed, he was nervous. He laid there on his back, staring straight up at the ceiling with a gap between their bodies, keeping his distance, afraid that he was crossing a line. Yeojin never said anything, to which he figured she'd just fallen asleep, deciding to give up on her essay for the night and worry about it in the morning.

But Yeojin couldn't sleep that night, the thought of Kim Jiwoong sleeping in her bed eating at her as her thoughts ran wild, her heart beating so fast she could hear its loud thumping in her ears. So what if he's in my bed? she thought. We're not doing anything. Ever. I'd rather die.

And part of it was true. Why would she ruin a perfectly good thing she had going out of her own selfishness? Well, Bae Yeojin did a lot of things as a result of her selfishness — like trying to convince Jiwoong that she wasn't worth his time.

The thing was, a part of her was slowly starting to accept the fact that perhaps that wasn't true. Perhaps Bae Yeojin wasn't as bad of a person as she'd previously believed, and nothing scared her more than coming to terms with a belief that wasn't her own.