Before the Silence

I was beyond thrilled to be commissioned to write this entry on behalf of Netflix's new movie To The Bone because, as you well know, one of my favourite pastimes is to binge-watch their movies/TV shows! I always love writing about strong characters, and in this case, it was all about overcoming a negative experience and tuning out that inner voice in your head that might make you feel fearful and/or doubt yourself. Be sure to take part in supporting such a positive campaign and share your own stories, all you have to do is enter into the contest by visiting the ChicLit profile. Good luck!  

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Why are you here?

Go home.

        I can practically hear the voice inside my head. It's loud and incessant and if I wasn't so used to it by now, I would probably listen. I would probably retrace my steps across town and hole up in my bedroom again, just like I have been these past few months. But I can't do that. I can't escape this. Not anymore.

        Shoving my hands deeper into my coat pockets, I keep my head hung low as the hospital doors open, as I stand in the time warp that is Dalmore's Private Hospital. The smell of antiseptic stings my nostrils, and the jarring flashbacks and memories of the past close in on me—a suffocating combination.

You shouldn't be here, Abby.

        I feel numb all over. I'm defying everyone right now—my parents, my psychologist. In the back of my mind, Dr. Herman's words echo from our last session. You're making good progress, Abigail. Just remember that these things take time and avoid doing anything that might trigger another relapse. 

        My breathing gets irregular and shallow. The reality of what I'm about to do—of who I'm about to face—sinks its talons into me. 

        I somehow push all of that away, though, because I'm done feeling trapped, feeling broken by him, by that night, by what he took from me. 

        Not many people know what it feels like to be loved and then lost, in quick succession. And only three people know the extent of what he put me through. The bruises may have faded, but the invisible scars still run deep, a constant reminder.

Don't forget about me, either, the familiar voice whispers.

        Inhaling another calming, steadying breath, I draw myself out of those thoughts and back to the present. When I fix my attention on the front desk, on the brunette nurse who's seated behind it, I tell myself that I can do this, that I can say his name and go to him. It's been a year since I last saw him, but I'm not that girl anymore.

Are you sure about that?

        My heart grows loud in my ears, a heavy drumbeat that drowns everything else out, as I manage to ask for his room number, as I follow the short, narrow hallway that will lead me there.

        I'm not that girl who is too weak and afraid to chase away the specters of her past, to move on. Especially when he's the one who's bed-ridden and broken now, and I'm the one who's all out of sympathy.

        As I cross the threshold that separates me from the source of my nightmares, the boy with the dark eyes and even darker smile, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm strong enough to confront everything I've been running from... to get closure.

        And that voice inside my head that has haunted me, lied to me, ever since that night, is silent, finally.

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