August 31

With the new semester in full swing, I was finding it hard to balance my full time schedule, my part time job and my full time friend with benefits. I was beginning to fall into this routine of spending my weekends at the bar watching Roger's band. I never got close to the stage because I wasn't sure that I wanted to; besides sitting at the bar long enough meant I would eventually be drinking on someone else's tab. In fact, I had been spending a lot of time with Roger and he came to my flat frequently. It was now time to play catch up. I hadn't seen my friend Chrissie in at least two weeks. We were long overdo for lunch to chat up how the semester was going and how her job at the grocer fit in to it all.

"This is it. This is the semester that I'm going to find the one!" Chrissie beamed at me with shining eyes as she glanced over the menu. I was a little baffled.

"Excuse me. Can I get um...a cosmopolitan and a water please? Thank you." I said to the waitress as she approached our table. "The one what?" I focused my attention on Chrissie again.

"The one boyfriend I've been looking for!" Chrissie insisted. "The kind of man that I haven't dated for the past six months!" she insisted. "I mean c'mon! I've told you about the awful blind dates I've been set up on. I even moaned to my other friend about it! It's been long enough, Lydia! It's time! The man I'm meant to have a serious relationship with is going to cross my path this year!" Chrissie finished excitedly. I looked at her as if she had smoked something funny before coming to lunch.

"You can't control that kind of thing let alone actually expect it to happen." I told her as I lit my cigarette and opened up the menu.

"Seventeen! I've had seventeen dates this year none of them resulting in anything more than a third date! This is going to be my year!" she repeated, eyeing me over top her menu.

"You know how to get past that third date?" I said, exhaling cigarette smoke above me as I continued to examine the menu.

"Noooo! No! Lydia! I'm serious! I want this to be the year that I finally meet someone that I go out with, have a great time with, and go on more than three dates with!" Chrissie said as the waitress returned. Though she radiated a most unrealistic zeal for her plan; I had to smile at her as she ordered. It was the first time I had been to lunch with her that she actually ordered something that wasn't a side salad and a water. Things must have been looking up at the grocer. Once Chrissie placed her order, I did the same and handed my menu to the waitress. She sighed and looked to me with her big smile plastered across her face.

"I think you're absurd but I'll humor you." I said, continuing to burn down my cigarette.

"So! Your turn! Tell me about the guy you've been...." Chrissie stopped to consider her words wisely. "...so tell me about him." She said not finishing the sentence. I shrugged at her.

"There's not much to tell really."

"Oh come on! You like him! You'd tell me everything if you didn't." Chrissie begged.

"I enjoy spending time with him. I do not like him. We did have a bit of a row the other night."

"About?" Christie asked.

"He's been different in the past three weeks or so. He's wanted to do things like put his arm around me, kiss me on the neck, hold my hand and...and hold me. He rubs up against me like a house cat! He got all pissed at me because I wouldn't cuddle up against him and hide my eyes in his shoulder during all the scary parts of Crucible of Terror!" I told her. Cuddle. Oh god how I hated that word. I don't know how I didn't burst into flames in the mere utterance of it. 

"Lydia! That movie is horrible! It's like torture porn!" Christie scolded me. I smiled at her and raised my eyebrows.

"Believe me, I know. Well worth the rental." I said with a snicker.

"See! See! All of that you just described! That's what I want! This isn't fair! He sounds sweet. That's what I want in a relationship! I know you told him you come from a wealthy family and all. I don't think you should have told him that. You wouldn't have to worry about him rubbing up against you like a house cat." Christie said soberingly.

"I resent that. I told him because..." I became flustered in how to finish the sentence. "...I told him Because I knew the subject would come up after he saw my flat and I would have to fucking defend myself."

"You...you invited him to your place? You never..." I stopped Chrissie.

"I know I never invite men into my flat! He didn't spend the night though...and he won't." I hated that Chrissie was studying me the way she was.

"So, let me get this straight. You invited this guy over to your place, and then later  you had a fight with him because he tried to get too close to you? Sounds about right, Lydia." Chrissie shook her head. "Awww! Why can't you just let him put his arms around you so that you can experience how good it feels! Lydia! Being in the arms of a man is so comforting and reassuring!" Chrissie said optimistically. I gave her a look as if I were about to throw up into my cosmo.

"If you let a man put his arms around you, you're letting your guard down." I said. Looking at Chrissie.

"Letting a man into your flat is letting your guard down." She said. I went to work hard on my cocktail and thought about her words. Had I in fact cracked the door too wide to the man I was sleeping with? "It's okay to let 'im in a little. Lydia, maybe this guys isn't Sebastian and..." I stopped Chrissie, feeling my defenses high.

"I don't want to compare anything or anyone to Sebastian. Yes...yes I let Roger into my flat but I sure as hell won't let him into my heart!" I told her sternly, guzzling the remainder of my cocktail. Chrissie was smiling her innocent, sweet smile at me.

"You know what kind of man you need in your life?" she asked me hopefully.

"Yeah, the kind that doesn't want to....you know....do the c word....and purr all over me." I said, seeing as our waitress was headed our way with lunch. Chrissie laughed at me.

"Nooo! No! No! No!" she started as our lunch was presented to us. Our waitress ensured that everything was to our liking before leaving us be. "You need a man who requires more validation and reassurance than you do! One that's...one that's sensitive where you aren't. One that, like you can be very hard...and very soft. You need a man who's as arrogant as he is fearful." Chrissie said, dissecting me like a science project. I hated it when she did this. Half the time, she was right when she put the scalpel and tweezers to me.

"And hey, if that plan falls through I can always go out and buy a vibrator with multiple speed settings." I said to Chrissie, causing her to laugh louder for a moment than appropriate. I had only half listened to her, but so much of what she said had been dead-on right. Halfway through our lunch our waitress returned to check on our table. "Excuse me, is there a pay phone outside with a phone directory?" I asked of her.

"Yes, outside to the left. It's on the corner." She said with a smile before leaving us alone.

"And what kind of urgent phone call do you need to make?" Chrissie asked of me.

"You're coming with me after lunch. I need to find an upholstery cleaner that will purge the hell out of a couch." I said, causing Chrissie to give me one of her best confused looks. I shook my head. "It's a long story. Anyway, it seems your job at the grocer is going well, yeah?" I quizzed her as the rest of the afternoon was lost to our conversation.

The next day had been the shittiest of days. I was in quite the foul mood. My favorite dress had been ruined at the dry cleaners, I received a failing grade on paper and it was too early in the semester to that bullshit. Futher more, I had to cover a double shift at the gallery because some dumb arse had called off. Three sales had fallen through and all I could think about was that I would return to my flat and Roger would be there. I had told him to meet me and gave the doorman his name so he wouldn't be turned away. However, that was before my day had fallen apart. I don't know as I wanted him there as I was the type of person who didn't want anyone around when my day wasn't going exactly as planned.

I was afraid I would tear his head off for no reason over something like sitting on my couch wrong or for eating everything in my refrigerator or....I don't know....for something else stupid. Not only had I had a shitty day but Roger had been driving me crazy since the night before which was another reason I didn't know for sure I would want to see him after I returned to my flat. He wouldn't stop attempting to put his hands all over me and his kisses felt different to me. I couldn't quite explain it but his kiss had grown deeper than it had been three months prior.

I had hardly said a word to Roger when I came into my flat, bypassing him to change my clothes and pour the strongest cocktail I could concoct. I had to do something to drown out the reminder of my imperfect day and my imperfect self. I plopped down onto my couch beside Roger and took a long swig of my drink, still not saying anything and staring at the table as the TV murmured in the background. I glanced over at him. He hadn't offered to say much to me as I noticed him sitting there calmly, beer in hand. I hated him right now because he just sat there like nothing in the world was wrong. He was just fine....just...hangin' out. I could feel myself getting angrier at his relaxed nature and so I gulped down an even longer swig before letting my glass hit the table. The telly babbled on and I noticed Roger had, of course, cleaned up my leftover Chinese that I had barely touched from the day prior. Seeing as he had eaten it made me even more anxious and angry. I was saving that to punish myself and he had eaten it!

"You wanna' talk about it?" he asked as I felt four fingers scratch my back as I was leant forward ready to break my glass on the table. I could feel my shoulders tense up and a lump leap into my throat. I didn't say anything for a moment. "Lydiaaaaaaa..." he said, scratching my back again.

"I've had a rough day..." I mumbled softly as I scowled at the table. I was about to chop his hand off because I could feel his palm on my back.

"You...you're shakin'. C'mere." Roger told me as he moved his palm along my back. I felt myself both furious and I had to do something to swallow down the lump in my throat; so I finished off my cocktail and looked over my shoulder at Roger. In almost three months, his hair now touched the bottom of his neck. His eyelashes were still freakishly long. That pissed me off too. He had gained weight and looked less scrawny but was still a ways from healthy. I continued to stare him down before taking a leap of faith. It was the scariest thing I'd done in a long time. I leaned back and I put my head on his shoulder. I had crossed the line and was entering dangerous territory. I felt a sudden sense of calm as I sunk into Roger which was a terrifying feeling. I blamed those stupid big eyes.