Hey,

Earlier in our Personal Development class, our teacher gave us an activity regarding ourSELF. SELF! It was easy because there's no right or wrong answer. I mean, she was asking us about our own self, right?

Not unless...I don't know who I really am.

Do I?

Well, maybe? Maybe yes, maybe not. I don't know, but I think I already know who I am but still I don't know who really I am. Does that even make sense?

See? Even I can't seem to understand my own self and my own thoughts. My mind is just so chaotic at times. It's like a party of thousands of thoughts that are difficult to sort out and makes sense of 'em. Sometimes, I just want to open my head and fix my own brain but that's impossible.

Anyway, going back to where am I. I answered five questions earlier. We were asked who am I and how am I going to describe myself, how my body is connected with my 'self', how I relate myself to other people. But, the two questions that lingered in my head were how am I different with other people and who am I after I die?

With the first question, I said that there's nothing unique about me since, well, it's the truth. I don't have any quality that makes me standout, I just blend in all the time. Just like a hue of blue in the sea, I am not a sand than you'll eventually see. Well, that rhymed, hihi! But to be honest the word 'notice' seems to fit better in the context, but 'see' sounds better so let's stick with that.

Anyway, on the second question, I said that when I died, I want to be happy for myself as I did everything that I want to do. I want to fulfill my goals in life. I want to be free, I want to be wild, I want to be the best, I want to have a trophy.

Weird? Nah!

Since I was young, the awards that I always get were medals, certificates, and ribbons. But never in my entire life I got a trophy. I can still remember when I was just around nine to ten years old, I would always stare at my cousin's trophy and dared myself to have one.

Fast forward, I still haven't fulfilled it yet. And I don't even know if I would be able to. Because in order to have a trophy, I have to be the best. And I am not the best! So how am I going to get a damn trophy?

Sometimes, it frustrates me that I am just 'ME'. Even though I want to do things, even though I want to achieve a lot, I just can't. Am I not really that good? Am I just a mediocre?

My teacher said that we should't be a mediocre. We should avoid mediocrety. Because in this world, which is full of competition, an average person like me will be left behind. And that's how I feel, since then. I feel like there's always someone who's ahead of me.

So tell me, how can I even fulfill my dreams before I die? Because on the paper, I wrote that I will consider this as my mission in life. That once I made its realization, I can peacefully leave this place with content and joy.

Can I make it happen?

-Eid