Vanessa

I tried to pick my jaw up off the ground as I stared at Matt. Pushing on my chin, I attempted to close my mouth but it just fell wide open again. Had I heard him correctly? Did he just say that he was in love with me? Me? Plain ol', boring Vanessa. He must have been hallucinating and mistaken me for somebody else. I eyed the empty carton that once housed several bottles of beer. Maybe he had downed one too many and was now confusing that tipsy feeling for affection towards me. What was that saying about people looking more attractive after a few drinks?

I stole another glance at him and saw he was looking back with a hopeful expression and that dimpled grin that lit up his entire face. His gorgeous face. That I loved too. Oh my God. He was serious. I shivered as a chill ran up my spine and my brain suddenly turned to mush. I thought for certain I was going to faint.

"I love you too, Matt." That's all I had to say. So, say it then, I chided myself. And then what?

Then he would kiss me. Kiss me until I was breathless. Kiss me until his hands slowly made their way underneath my shirt and started feeling around. Kiss me until I undid the zipper on his jeans and caught sight of a part of him that I hadn't even dared allowed myself to think on. Kiss me until he laid me down gently on the cool wet grass. Kiss me until he hooked one finger on the waistband of my panties and slipped them off all the way down my bare legs. Kiss me until he had moved so that he was inside of me. Gulp.

Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around my chest and hunched over. Even though I wasn't naked, his intense gaze boring through me had me feeling like I was completely exposed to his eyes. Nuh-Uh. No way was I ready for any of that. Especially with him.

The thoughts that had once brought me such bliss now brought nothing but sheer panic. Those fantasies had all been perfectly lovely until they became my reality. Now it was all I could do not to hop off this log and book it down the hill, screaming for Addison to wait up while I stumbled over overgrown roots.

Nope. I couldn't do this. Black spots clouded my vision and I pressed a clammy palm against my forehead to try and ward off the lightheaded sensation that suddenly overtook my skull. "V...are you alright?" Matt's voice rang out as muffled in my ears and even though he was sitting right next to me, it sounded as though he were speaking to me from somewhere off in the distance.

I didn't answer as I surveyed the ground for a bag or some other kind of container that would hold vomit. I really was going to puke. My chest began to rise and fall in rapid succession as I gasped for air. I took deep breaths to try and calm myself down but it still felt like I was hyperventilating. If Addison were here she would take a hold of me by the shoulders and tell me to stop being so dramatic. She would hiss at me to grab his face in between my hands and kiss the hell out of him just as she would do but I wasn't Addison. I was Vanessa. Nearly eighteen years old, never had a boyfriend, hopelessly in love with her best friend and too damn scared to do anything about it, Vanessa.

The truth was I wanted to shake myself silly too for being so timid. I had gone over this exact moment so many times in my head. The glorious occasion when Matt looked at me with those sparkling blue-grey eyes of his, tucked my hair behind my ear as a breeze picked up out of nowhere and he finally confessed his undying love for me. In my daydreams, I had always exclaimed "I love you" back and we had always followed up our proclamations with a steamy and passionate kiss. Uttering those three little words was the only thing to say; the only difference was that in my head, I never had a panic attack while doing it.

Yes, I had fantasized about this very moment for three years and I so desperately wanted to tell him how I felt so why did a giggle escape my lips and the words "I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way" the ones that actually came out of my mouth?

***

Matt

The sting of Vanessa's rejection felt like a punch to the gut. "I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way." I tried not to let the shock of her words show on my face. Even tried to act nonchalantly like it was no big deal. I gave her a half-hearted shrug. "It's all aces, man. I'm not really even sure it is love. The beers have me exaggerating things, you know?" It's all aces, man? I mentally slapped my forehead. That was far from playing it cool.

The truth was that it was a big deal. Huge in fact. The one girl that I had opened myself up to fully and the one person that I thought loved and accepted me for who I was and didn't care what others had to say about me, had just admitted that she couldn't possibly ever see me as anything more than just a friend. My cheeks burned with embarrassment.

I dropped her hand back into her lap. You're such an idiot, Matt. I had really convinced myself she would say it back or at the very least admit that she had some type of feelings for me as well but I now knew that it was just another case of invented scenarios. Sure, part of me had known that rejection was a possibility but I had never braced myself for the searing pain of what that would feel like. For the record, it feels like a freight train running you over at 80mph and then backing up because it didn't do quite enough damage the first time.

I stared into the fire mortified that I had just laid my heart out on the line to her and she had stomped all over it like it was no big matter. Her words played back in my head. "Sorry, I don't feel the same way." How easily it had rolled off her tongue just as if she was saying "No thanks, I don't like olives in my salad." How callous could one be when breaking another's heart?

I knew I couldn't be mad at her for not returning my feelings but that didn't mean I had any desire to stick around either while she made up a slew of excuses for why she didn't feel the same.

"I don't want a boyfriend."

"You're a great guy but I'm looking for someone that actually has a future."

"You seriously think we can be together when you can't even afford to take me on a real date?"

"Kurt was right. You're a psychopath. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it would be for me to be the girlfriend of the class loser?"

Frankly, I didn't care what her reasoning's were and I didn't need to find out. It would hurt way less if I didn't know the truth that she secretly thought I wasn't good enough for her. I reached down and threw the cardboard box from the beers into the fire along with any hope I had of this night turning out how I had planned.

"Matt?" Vanessa chimed in gently, her wide brown eyes staring at me.

I looked over at her and my heart clenched. I almost felt bad for her. She looked like she was going to be sick. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel guilty. Patting her knee, I sighed. "V, it's fine. Really. No worries. We're cool. Friends forever and all that." I waved her off as I plastered a fake smile onto my face even though on the inside, I was dying.

"You ready to go?" I stood up, brushing the ash from the fire off of my jeans.

Her eyes remained glued on me as she hesitated. She took one final glance at the flames that had dulled down to a soft flicker. Just like me, it had once been so full of life but the light was slowly dying out, and soon, without anything to keep it going it would burn out completely.

We rode the rest of the way home in painfully awkward silence. I was furious with Addison for making me tell Vanessa how I felt. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen. No way would Vanessa ever be comfortable around me again. She definitely wouldn't want to be alone with me either. She would probably think I would try to kiss her or worse, say I loved her again. I couldn't wait for all the excuses to start rolling in as to why she couldn't do Friday night binge fests anymore.

Kurt, Troy, and Scott were right. I was out of mind insane. What had I been thinking to believe that anyone could ever possibly love me? You're nothing. Nobody will ever truly care about you. How could they when it's all your fault that your mother's gone? You should have given her that letter but you didn't and now you deserve to suffer for taking her life. You deserve every single bad thing that's ever happened to you and everything that's yet to come. It's not fair for you to be happy when she lost her life because of you.

Lost in my own thoughts and briefly forgetting that Vanessa was also in the car, I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand. Then quickly remembering that she was there, I straightened up and tossed a halfhearted grin in her direction. She gave me a tight smile back. Great. It wasn't going to help matters if she was afraid of me too. I was unraveling in front of her at lightning speed and needed to get myself back under control.

After all, it was no big deal. I had only just been rejected by the girl I was in love with, the girl I could tell anything to all the while single-handedly managing to flush three years' worth of friendship down the toilet in the process. But hey, it was no big deal, right?

***

Vanessa

I had held off for as long as I could but as soon as I entered my house, I promptly burst into tears. Giant, heaving sobs that shook my whole body and would leave me curled up on my bed with a throbbing headache. What had I been thinking? How could I have been so stupid saying I didn't love him? He had offered me everything I had dreamed about since the ninth grade and given me the perfect window of opportunity to finally fall into his arms and what had I done with it? I had blown it all because I was too scared.

I sneered in pure disgust at my reflection in the mirror as I ran my toothbrush under the faucet and got ready for bed. I may have been almost eighteen but when it came to Matt, I forever felt like I was about twelve. I would always be the girl that giggled and got tongue-tied around her crush instead of being the one that flirted and blew kisses. I would never be an Addison.

I spit a mouthful of toothpaste into the sink and watched it swirl around as it mixed with the water before going down the drain along with any hope I had of my life with Matt going how I had planned. Crawling into bed, I thought about the look on his face when I had said I didn't return his affections and it made me feel even worse.

He looked crushed. Never in a million years did I think that I was capable of having that effect on him. All this time I had been so wrapped up in pining away after him that I never even noticed that he was doing the same with me. I scoffed. Well, you can go ahead and forget any chance of being with him now.

No doubt he was furious with me and probably wouldn't even want to be so much as my friend anymore. And forget being alone together. It would just be too awkward for both of us. I couldn't wait to hear him stammer out all the reasonings as to why he was wiggling out of our Friday night get-togethers. Picking up my pillow, I buried my face into it and let out a scream but it did nothing to piece back together my broken heart. Right now, I needed my best friend.

I fished my phone out of my sweatshirt pocket and dialed Addison's number but it kept ringing before going to voicemail. I sighed, flipping over onto my side and curling myself into a ball. I rubbed my temples, already feeling the headache building to an intense pounding behind my burning eye sockets.

Surely, this had all been just a nightmare. I would awake in the morning and peel my sweat-soaked sheets back as it dawned on me that none of it had been real. I willed myself to shut my eyes and go to sleep in an attempt to escape my reality but it was a restless night. I kept dreaming of telling Matt I loved him and him kissing me passionately in response as he wrapped his arms around me. Visions of all of the things that should have happened played through my subconscious, things that could have been my real life if only I hadn't chickened out.

A/N And you all thought it would be as simple as Vanessa saying I love you too. Muahaha...not without character growth ;)