Vanessa

Matt brought me in close to him, embracing me as we slowly began to dance. Nestling my head into the crook of his neck, I breathed in the familiar scent of cedarwood. It gave me a feeling of safety and warmth and I could have stayed wrapped up inside his arms forever. He placed a gentle kiss atop my head, and I nuzzled into him even more, noting that I fit perfectly into his shoulder as though that spot was made for me, and me alone.

We swayed to the soft music, neither of us uttering a word. We didn't need to. Our actions were doing all the talking for us. It occurred to me that all this time I had been trying to summon up the courage to tell him how I felt but that had never been necessary. The only thing I had ever needed to do was show him.

When the song ended, Matt took me by the hand and led me over to brick wall that overlooked the town. He hoisted himself up and patted the spot beside him in an invitation for me to join. I followed suit, gazing out at the snow-covered trees sprinkling the valley below.

He cleared his throat as he studied a traffic light that blinked from afar. "These last few months have been rough on me," he said breaking the silence.

He glanced over at me, his grey eyes a pool of sadness. "You mean everything to me, V and a life without you in it..." Taking a shuddering breath, he looked away to stare out at the horizon. In the distance, streetlamps twinkled, and televisions cast a flickering glow from within people's homes.

A slight breeze rippled through his hair causing him to shiver. Quietly he added, "I don't want to lose you."

I reached out to squeeze his hand. "I'm here."

Nodding, he stared down at his boots before looking up at me once again. This time, his face was of a much lighter expression. "How's Addison? Dare I say I actually miss that girl?" He grimaced. "The glitter she left all over my stuff though, I can forever do without."

I laughed. "She's good. I'll probably need to enter into the Witness Protection Program for admitting this to you, but she misses you too."

Matt smiled before suddenly growing serious again. He reached for my hand bringing it up towards his mouth as he laced his fingers through mine. Our eyes meeting, he placed a soft kiss on my skin and then pressed my palm against his cheek.

If our lip lock had created a fire, then his touch that was now melting my insides into a warm, liquid pool was the result of that flame. My heart hammered as I watched him close his eyes. This is more amazing and perfect than anything I could have ever possibly dreamed of. There's no way it can get any better than this.

It couldn't. Suddenly, a wave of nausea rolled through my stomach and up my throat as a realization hit me; if this was as I good as it got, did that mean it was all downhill from here?

Would feelings of love and adoration turn to heavy sighs and shouting matches in the hallway again? What happened when we got into our first fight as a couple or feelings of jealousy inevitably overtook me when a touch on Addison lingered just a moment too long?

I wasn't perfect. I was bound to make mistakes. Could he accept me for all that I was, or would resentment win out? Could he handle the fact that I wasn't like Kayla and didn't want to publicly make-out in every location at the school? Would he expect me to sleep with him the first opportunity he got?

As my mind took me on a tilt-o-whirl of doubts, all the reasons why this couldn't work flooded into my brain. Was it best just to leave this as a perfect kiss forever preserved in time? I didn't want to tarnish the golden pedestal I had put us upon by jumping into something that wasn't going to be everlasting.

The world began to spin as a dizzying sensation swept over me. I'm going to puke. Bile rose in my esophagus, and I had to clamp down on my jaw to keep from projectile vomiting all over his lap.

I yanked my now sweaty hand out of Matt's grasp causing him to open his eyes. He furrowed his brows. "V, are you alright? You look pale."

Pasting on a smile, I jumped off the wall. "I'm fine," I lied. "I should probably get back, though. Devin's likely wondering where I've disappeared off to." And that's another thing. What about Devin? I did still have feelings for him. I didn't want to just throw our relationship away the second that Matt reentered the picture.

Matt scoffed. "You've been gone an hour and the guy hasn't even come to look for you. Sounds like a real stand-up kind of dude to me."

I placed my hands on my hips. "Oh, and I suppose Kayla is so wonderful? I don't exactly see her out here searching for you either.

He slid off the wall and brushed off the back of his jeans. "Touché." Shrugging, he waved his hand. "I'm not sure why we're even debating this. Does it even matter that they didn't come find us?"

I gave him a quizzical look. "What you do mean?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "What do you mean? Don't you think it would be a little odd to rush back to Devin's side now that you and I are dating?"

Looking away, I fingered the bark of the pine tree next to me. Matt stepped closer to me. "You are breaking up with him, right?"

I bit my lip. "Matt, look..."

"OH, MY FUCKING GOD," he shouted clenching his fist. "You have absolutely got to be shitting me. Are we really back here again?"

I backed away, stumbling over a root in the process. "I...I'm sorry," I whispered. "The kiss should have never happened. It was a mistake." Don't say that. What's the matter with you? But I couldn't control myself. If it wasn't actual vomit coming out of my mouth, then it was word vomit.

Matt's eyes flashed a stormy shade of black. "Fuck," he yelled. With one swift motion, he turned to punch the tree before immediately yelping and sucking on his knuckles.

"I cannot believe you are doing this to me again," he growled through clenched teeth. He blew out a sharp breath and walked away towards the bench, raking his hands through his hair.

I watched as he paced back and forth as though he were a caged animal. He didn't stay away long though, quickly returning to my side. "I don't understand what you want from me," he spat out. "Do you realize this is the third damn time you've rejected me?" He threw his hands up in the air. "And yet here I am, like some kind of idiot falling for it every single time."

Shifting from foot to foot, I chewed on my lip unsure of how to respond. I had never seen him this angry before. Not even when Kurt had vandalized his car. He had stared at the graffiti with a stony silence, his rage radiating off him like heat from a flame, but he hadn't lost his cool.

But as for right now, he had flown so far off the handle that it had become an unidentifiable speck in the distance. And it's all my fault.

Matt suddenly pointed at me. "Do you not love me? Is that what it is?" His face contorting in pain, he crouched down and rested his head in hands.

Wanting nothing more than to undo the hurt I had just caused; I walked over towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Matt, that's not true. I do care about you-"

Raising his head, he glared up at me. "Unbelievable. You can't even say the damn words." Standing up once more, he began to clap. "Bravo, Vanessa. The Academy Award goes to you for having me actually believe that you ever gave a crap."

Up until that moment, I had only felt horrible for leading Matt on but the guilt slowly turned into rage as he flung false accusations at me. "Now hold on," I cut in. "That's not fair."

He rolled his eyes. "Oh, you want to talk about fair? Okay, let's go. Was it fair of you to kiss me just now only to go racing off to your boyfriend a minute later?"

Red clouded my vision as I took a step towards Matt. I jabbed him in the chest with my finger. "You have no right to be upset about Devin when you moved on with Kayla first."

Matt scoffed. "So that makes you the victim then? You rejected me, remember? What was I supposed to do? Wait?" His expression turned ice cold as he narrowed his eyes at me. "As I recall, you couldn't possibly date a loser."

The blood drained from my face at the mention of the name I had called him. "I didn't mean it," I whispered.

Shaking his head, Matt glanced up at the inky sky. Clouds had rolled in, covering the moon and casting an eerie glow of the bare tree branches onto the fallen snow. "The Vanessa I know would have never even thought to say that to me, no matter how angry she was."

He looked over at me to gesture at my attire. "I don't even recognize you anymore," he said. "When did you start wearing glitter and make-up? This isn't you. You would have rather put on a paper bag than be caught dead in a get-up such as this one."

Giving him a once-over, I raised a brow. "You're one to talk. When did you become the very thing that made your life a living hell?"

He gave me a questioning look. "What are you talking about?"

"Remember Leo," I asked. "You dragged him through the mud for that shirt he was wearing. You're a bully, Matt."

His expression turned somber as remorse shone in his eyes. "Come on, V," he replied, his tone soft. "You know that's not me. Is that why you don't want to be with me? I'll go apologize to him right now if that's what you want."

Matt turned to walk towards the gymnasium doors, but I grabbed hold of his arm. "Stop," I commanded. He halted in his tracks and glanced over at me. I blew out a shuddering breath. "I just think that we are better off as friends."

He nodded as the first few tears began to fall. Quickly, he swiped away at them. "V, I'm so in love with you," he murmured. "I don't think you understand. The first time you rejected me, it tore me to pieces. The second time, it humiliated me. If you do this to me again, I think it will just about kill me."

Hot tears prickled the back of my lids and I had to close my eyes to stop the burning. I longed desperately to pull out the knife I had just plunged into his back, but I knew that I could never be capable of giving him what he wanted. He needed someone to always be there for him and to love him unconditionally and that just wasn't me. I had already proven that. Somehow, I continued finding ways to hurt him and doubted that being in a relationship together would ever change that.

"I can't do this," I whispered. A sob escaped my throat and I had to press a fist to my mouth to keep from crying.

Matt stared at me in disbelief. "Vanessa, if you walk away from us now, just know that I'm done." All the warmth and affection that had been in his eyes earlier was now replaced by pure frostiness. He pointed at me. "Don't bother trying to come back. Ever. Not even as a friend. There will be nothing left here for us to salvage."

"You don't mean it." I wailed. The tears that I had tried so hard to hold back unleashed down my cheeks in a steady torrent. What are you doing? Have you gone insane? You'll never find someone like him again.

I contemplated running into his arms and begging him to forget everything I had just said. I would smother him with kisses, banishing the look of anguish from his face. I love you, Matt. I'm not going anywhere.

That's all I had to say. Simple. Only I knew it wasn't.

"So, what will it be, Vanessa," Matt asked, giving me an expectant look.

The words of everything I knew I should have said hung suspended in the air between us as he waited for an answer. The sound of laughter cut through the quiet as a group of students burst through the courtyard doors. Time's up. The message behind my silence settled on the ground in the form of a reply.

Matt nodded. "I guess there you have it then." He walked away leaving me shivering beneath the pines and staying true to his word, he didn't even look back.

***