Tubbo said he was alright. That he had recovered from that panic attack, that he was just grieving. He told Ranboo that he was hopeful. That he knew there was a chance.

He wasn't.

He was hurt inside. No, not hurt, just empty.

Sure, he had been broken before. It happened all the time. But this? This was just cold.

Maybe Tommy could be alive. Maybe everything would be alright. But Tubbo knew it wouldn't be.

When had everything been alright?

When had anything gone his way?

Nothing ever turned out well. It was just the life Tubbo was used to.

It was sad, really. Tubbo was only 17, and yet he was used to death. He was used to having his home blown up. He was used to being betrayed and controlled and hurt. And he just accepted it.

It's not like he could do anything else. If he cried every time he was broken, he would never have dry eyes.

He said he was fine.

He wasn't.

It was remarkable how well he could hide his emotions. (Schlatt had taught him that.) He was known as the happy one, always optimistic. And he was, on the outside. But on the inside? He was just sad.

And now? He was just cold.

It was harder keeping up the smiling face when there was a void on the inside, threatening to suck everything in. Tommy was the only one who had kept the void closed.

But Tommy was gone.

It's not like there wasn't things that made him happy, other than Tommy. Flowers, bees, friends, making other people smile. He even believed in Ranboo's theories at times, that Tommy could be alive. Those things gave him hope. But then the void would come back, sucking away everything and leaving him empty again.

The worst part was feeling that joy, just to have it taken away.

As the days passed without Tommy, the void grew stronger, threatening to start chipping away at Tubbo's positive shell. It had succeeded a couple of times. That panic attack at the funeral was the only public one. The rest he was able to hide.

The void had even been there for a couple of years, really, even with Tommy there. But Tommy had been like a strong dam, holding it back. Now that the dam was gone, nothing was stopping it from consuming Tubbo other than his urge to make people happy.

And Tubbo knew that that was only going to hold it back for a while. He wasn't ready for the day it broke loose.