this is a rant.

i contemplated uploading this because anytime i update this book, i make sure it's funny, jokey content. but this isn't. i'm upset. i've overlooked certain things and behaviour.

i'm sorry if you came to this update for my usual happy side. really sorry. i'm not one to put my "less happy" side out there. hate it. cuz there are people who come to me needing a smile on their face. so how would things work out if i'm unhappy as well?

i usually deal with it on my own, and come back out when i'm happy again.

but i feel like this needs to be said. it needs to be put out.

so, i haven't felt this way since i actively joined wp 2 years ago.
after much needed thought, i realised-
there are many people whom i call "friend", but to be very honest, literally nothing shows that they are.

there are some people who constantly used to chat with me when they were going through some issues on this app and needed advice.

the minute everything's solved, it's all alright, they don't know you anymore. you're basically irrelevant to them now.

there are some friends who don't ever check up on you. some who don't talk to you TILL you've spoken to them First, either on their board, pms, replying to a mf announcement of theirs, or till you've updated whatever book.

there are some "friends" who can't be arsed about your existence.

there are some "friends" who pretend around you.

some "friends" you always hit up first. they can't be arsed to hit you up first.

im usually a "hype man", laughing, smiling, encouraging, freaking joking all the time. i would never put my sadness out there. i always want to see my friends smile cuz that makes me happy.

but am i kidding myself, doing it for some people who basically do Not deserve it?

i said in my previous bed talks chap how i couldn't help but be nice to people-

am i a fool for that? i literally cannot do it anymore if i'm being walked on, shoved to the door like a mannequin, pushed aside like a pitiful fangirl.

i cannot.

some people i follow, look i'm following thirty-nine folks. why though, when i have less than a handful of actual friends? less than a double number. and yes, if i follow you, i consider/considered you a friend or close enough.

how many out of these people do i even talk with? less than a handful. and i do try to talk with some of them but they either don't reply to me in ages or give off a different vibe.

to me, you're a "friend" and that word holds a lot for me. but what am i to you?

i Can't do the whole fake friendship thing. and i'm not going to be a fucking pigeon bobbing my head around you.
im not putting my niceness out there to some people if it's being taken advantage of or trampled on.

there's more to this rant, but tis enough.

have a nice day. take care. love you. whatever floats your boat. goodbye.