~Ian~

Little lights, big lights, all lights are significant in our lives.

They enlighten not only outward things, but the things we're seeking in our soul.

Like lights on the Christmas tree makes a little child giggle, the one from the candles give hope to the ones who need it, the ones from the stars are the ones that people look upon and introspect, the one from the sun is the one that enlivens the whole world.

I flicked the light of my table lamp, on and off, crying silently to myself as the thought of losing him forever tore my soul apart.

~Noah~

I hated myself for letting it happen to me again.

I wasn't a dry leaf fallen from an old tree in autumn. Then why was everyone stepping on me, crushing me and moving ahead?

I couldn't have been so worthless, could I?

But it was my entire fault that I allowed such things to happen to me repeatedly.
My heart was my responsibility after all, then why did I let anyone else play with it? Why did I let myself be affected so much?

I had to give it a halt.

I made up my mind that I'd never see Ian again, come what may. He had called a dozen times and I had ignored all of them. He didn't drop a message, which was intelligible since I was sure he didn't have any sensible defence for himself.

If one sees the situation from a broader perspective, I didn't have any right to be mad at Ian. Neither were we together nor did we sign any agreement saying we would not see anyone else while sleeping with each other.

What made my blood boil was the love seeping in my veins for him. And the feeling of self loathe making its way inside as to why I felt anything for a heartless person like him.

I fell for the friendly façade he had put on for a couple of days which was probably just a plot to get me to continue giving myself to him.

I cried and thrashed around the whole night, breaking things in the process, feeling anger and hurt take control of my body.
I couldn't believe I failed in my attempt to become strong. Why did I have to go and let someone else break my heart again?

Hopeless was all I could name myself.

And the only solution I could come up with, was isolation.

So I mailed an application to the school's principal asking for permission to take a week's leave and locked myself up in the house. It would give me ample time to introspect and probably teach myself to change eventually.

My body clock woke me up at six the next morning. When I sat up and stretched into the new day, all the incidents of last evening came flooding into my brains.

I threw the duvet aside and decided that it was time I left it all behind.

So I sprawled out on the couch in the living room and binge watched my favourite shows till my stomach gurgled in protest.

I ordered Chinese food in and enjoyed my lone time, bobbing my head to the music coming through the earphones.

Yes, I thought about Ian, yes I wished he had never done that, yes I wished it was all just a misunderstanding. But I also liked the idea of moving on and starting to pay more attention to myself than anyone else.

I kept forcing myself to smile till it started coming naturally while I danced around the bedroom in my pyjamas.

A beep came from my phone and I checked it to find a message from Trevor.

'How did it go?' It said. He was probably just asking about the annual day.

I sighed.

'Amazing!' I replied and chuckled humorlessly at my own sarcastic reply.

'Good. Wanna come over to my place? We could play games like old times?'

I smiled.

'Semme your address'

I threw the phone aside with a sigh of satisfaction and walked out of the room to the bathroom. A long relaxing shower made me feel good about how the day was passing by.

I was proud that I made the right decision.

I wouldn't have to impress anyone or expect anything of them. Only I was the one in control of my life, my feelings were my own, independent of anybody else's actions.

After I had cleaned myself up satisfactorily, I dressed in my favourite comfortable black shirt and shorts and drove myself to the address Trevor had texted me.

Even driving, something I didn't really enjoy much (I always preferred walking), seemed to make me happy as I let the windows down and let the wind play with my hair.

I was pulling up in Trevor's apartment's parking lot soon after he spoke his permission enthusiastically through the speaker down there. I used the stairs up to the third floor.

I pressed the doorbell once I spotted his door and heard the sound echo inside.

Soon the lock turned and the door opened to reveal my beaming best friend who opened his arms for me to fall into. I embraced him for a while, feeling like I had been craving a hug since ages and then we both chuckled and got inside.

His place, despite being huge with large windows embedded in the walls, was quite cozy. It smelled of the one and only fragrance Trevor had loved since the day he first sniffed it at a shop, back when we were juniors in high school. His room had always smelled like that since then.

I immediately felt at home.

"You look like you're going to cry." Trevor pointed out and chuckled.

I turned towards my left and saw him going to his kitchen.
I don't know what came over me but I stopped him and wrapped my arms around him.

He was the only person in my life that was closest to what I could call family and it didn't take me much time to break down on his shoulder.

"Hey," he whispered, obviously taken aback at my sudden break down, but was quick to rub my shoulder in a soothing manner, holding my body to his.

"Noah, what's wrong?" He asked in a voice laced with concern.

I continued weeping pathetically.

It was moments like these when I wished I wasn't gay and that my parents wouldn't have thrown me out and I could hold onto my mother whenever I felt my heart breaking.

I cried a little and then pulled away from Trevor, wiping at my tears.

He looked up at me like a protective sibling. He was slightly shorter than me.

"What's bothering you Noah?" He demanded.

So I pulled him towards the couch where we settled down and I narrated to him all I had gone through during the past month since Ian decided to enter my life.

"Such a bastard." was what came out of his mouth after I finished.

I sighed and slumped back.

"You," he pointed a threatening finger at me, "Never go near that guy again. And just let me know the next time he's becoming a nuisance."

I chuckled. Trevor wasn't even half the built of Ian.

"What?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

I smiled at him. At the end of the day, actions don't matter as much as the thoughts behind them.

"Thanks." I said honestly and he rolled his eyes.

"Are we still playing games?"

"Of course!" I said, cheering up at the thought.

He got up and pulled me along to the kitchen from where we fetched arms full of foodstuff.

For the next few hours, Trevor and I beat each other alternatively at video games. It was a great waste of time as we laughed, played and punched at each other munching on endless junk food simultaneously.

I hadn't had so much fun in a while. There was no denying that no matter how old our body grows, the heart always remains like a kid's.

I was sure to count this among one of the best days of my twenty three year old hapless life.

"Thanks for this Trev," I said to him as I hugged him goodbye. It was seven in the evening and he had offered dinner but I felt like going home and eating alone.

"Oh shut up, I'm always here." he said, smiling sincerely making me smile back at him gratefully.

With a pat on his arm, I took leave.

I drove back home as the sky grew dark and the town lightened up with lights coming from homes and shops. It somehow reminded me of Christmas and how it had no meaning in my life anymore.

Christmas was just another day of the year for me, the kind that significantly reminded me again about how lonely I was.

The elation of the day faded away in one go.

Times like the one I just spent with Trevor were only 'once in a while' kind of things. There was no source of permanent affection in my life, like the one I desperately needed. I didn't belong anywhere. I didn't have anybody's arms to go home to.

The inevitable truth was brought back to light in my mind, by the lights coming from the buildings which now seemed cruel.

A tear slipped from my eye as I drove to the house I called home, in a car whose air could depress even a bubbly child.

After reaching, I went inside and decided to engage myself in cooking something good. It helped to distract me and made me moan at how amazing it tasted.

Moaning reminded me of Ian and I groaned and turned up the music to a loud volume.

I washed the dishes, listening to songs, swinging my hip and laughing at myself.

I went to bed soon afterwards, at nine, forgetting to check that site for the first time ever since I signed up.

Thank you for reading this book all of you!

And hey! Are you guys happy about Noah's change? Tell me!