Maddie

May 21, 2023

"Hey" Nick greeted me with a hug as I opened my door. "You needed me? What's up? Everything okay?" I put my hand out to stop Nick. "Slow down" I suggested, "you're asking a lot of questions."

"Sorry" Nick apologized, "overprotective cousin instinct. I figured something may be wrong if you invited only me over." I shook my head no, "Nick we used to always hang out alone!" I said, "the only reason we don't now is because there's a baby in the equation." Nick looked over at Aubrey, "the cutest one at that. She's getting big."

"I know" I agreed, "I can't believe she's already half a year old. I remember being at your house that day back in February and shitting absolute bricks. I thought you were gonna wring my neck." Nick smiled, "would've rang Matt's first," he said, "trust me."

"Yeah, speaking of" I replied, locking the door as Nick sat on the couch, "I've been doing a lot of thinking." Nick raised an eyebrow, "please don't tell me that you wanna exhume Matt's body from the grave and hang him up in your living room like some artifact" he said, "because you're on your own with that one Maddie. Even baby Aubrey won't be having any parts." I chuckled at Nick's dark humor, and it was a genuine chuckle. I needed that.

"Nowhere close to what I was gonna say," I said in response. "I was gonna say..." I look around.

"Madison," Nick said, "don't do this. You were gonna say what? What's on your mind?"

"I think I wanna start dating again" Nick's whole face seemed to squint with his eyes. "What?"

"I know, it's early, but Nick I'm a human! I was feeling lonely and deprived when Matt was in Tibet. Now knowing he's really never coming home, I feel even worse." Nick shook his head in confusion as he stood up. "Won't you feel... weird?"

"Weird?" I asked, "about what?"

"Moving on. I mean, you and Matt were together since 8th grade Maddie. He was your first kiss, and I had to be there to witness it because you two were both on some scaredy cat shit. You had such a boring life before then, and it all changed when Matt came. He was practically your everything." I opened my mouth to talk, but Nick spoke again.

"I mean, he's been dead for not even a full two months Maddie. The dude's corpse didn't even rot yet. He's probably not even cold yet." I could feel tears forming, and I tried my best to fight them.

"Nick," I sniffled, "Matt will be my everything until the day that I die. But I'm not dying today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon. I have a child to take care of, and my own needs to meet. I'm not saying I no longer care for Matt or don't love him anymore, I'm saying that I have extra room in my heart for somebody else." Nick folded his arms.

"I'm not saying you can't move on Mads," he said, "I'm saying this is odd. He died last freaking month Maddie! Bruh, Nova left me for Aubrey and I wasn't over that shit until September of freshman year rolled around, so imagine an actual death!" I wiped the tears that had fallen from my face during Nick's rant. I watched as Nick took the tissue box from the small table that sat in front of the TV, and handed it to me.

"There are other ways to handle a death Madison," Nick said more calmly. "I don't honestly believe that you wanna move on, I think you believe moving on will make you feel better." I shrugged.

"A part of me does, in the sense that moving on will make me forgive myself." Nick was visibly confused.

"I think I've said this before," I began, "but I was constantly nagging Matt about coming home. I didn't know how all that shit worked and I assumed it was a choice thing more than anything else. Like 'hey you can go home now, but you won't make as much money as you will if you stay' type shit." Nick looked at me, he didn't say anything. Just a blank stare.

"Finding out how he died, down to the specifics was so painful because of that. Knowing that he was just trying to get home faster, in part because of me, drove me crazy. I drove him to his death."

"You didn't" Nick claimed. "I did!" I retorted.

"Every day I assumed the worst. A hot new girl on base, a citizen in Tibet that he might've been seeing. I was so selfish and controlling. In the end, I had to pay the ultimate fucking price. I would've accepted him in any other form, Nick! Hell, even if he lost a limb or suffered a serious burn! What did I do to deserve this shit?" I broke down sobbing my lungs out and could feel my cousin pull me into a tight hug. He gripped my face and wiped my tears.

"Sometimes life doesn't play fair. But if you show life that it's whooping your ass, it'll continue to do so" he said. "And Maddie I know I barely say it, but I love you more than anything. Before this year, you were the closest thing I had to a sibling. I thanked God every chance I got for you. I know you well enough to say that you didn't deserve a thing you've gone through in the last month. Not a thing." I tried to compose myself. Nick kissed my forehead.

"Remember the senior quote you had planned on using all throughout high school?" Nick asked me. "Then Norwood decided to discontinue the whole senior quote idea during our junior year, and you were pissed?" I smiled and nodded.

"I remember that quote vividly because it wasn't some ordinary high school quote. It was a life lesson. This might sound weird, but I want you to recite that quote aloud. I think you need to hear it right now."

"Everybody has something that they wish they could go back and undo. But guess what? They can't. So why not try this thing called forgiving yourself?" I said in a low tone, still sniffling. Nick smiled.

"Follow your own advice Madison" my cousin insisted. The present is the present, we cannot change the past. But by forgiving yourself, you can change your future. The only thing responsible for Matt's passing is the bomb that took him out. All you did was be a typical teenage girlfriend."

"I appreciate it, Nick," I told my cousin, "I swear I do, but I still wanna see other people. It's not about forgetting Matt, it's about me. Entirely me."

"I shouldn't have been so quick to judge" Nick replied, "because I am honestly in no position to. I am also in no position to give anybody love advice." I chuckled at that last sentence.

"I just want you to be happy Maddie," Nick said, pushing some hair behind my ear. "Whatever way that it may come in, I'm ready to support."

Aubrey

"Our one year is coming up you know," Nova said in between kisses. I held my wife's head close to my body as she gave up on my mouth and placed her lips against my neck instead. "I know," I said, "and I have a nice surprise for you."

"I have one for you too" Nova stopped kissing me to tell me. She perked her head up so that she was looking at me, "wanna take a two-week vacation?"

"Really?" I asked, and my wife nodded. "We don't have to pay a thing. Our own private place. Set to start June 1st." I smiled, flashing my teeth. "Man," I said, "I couldn't top that type of gift, ever."

"Well, what was the gift that you were gonna get?" Nova asked, curiously. "Take a guess."

"We're getting another dog?" Nova asked, and I scoffed. "Definitely not," I said, "I love Pepper to death, but he's a handful and a half."

"You're pregnant?" Nova asked, and I squinted at her. "Absolutely not. I wouldn't let that be a surprise given the fact that you're not a male."

"Girl you know I'm not the brightest," my wife said, giving up. "Just tell me babe."

"Get up real quick" I requested of Nova, who quickly sat up far enough for me to squeeze from under her. I opened a drawer beside our bed and took out a purple folder. "Purple," Nova said as she watched, "pretty."

"Here," I said as I handed my spouse a packet. She opened said packet, and I waited a moment as she read it. "Oh my gosh.."

"So?" Nova asked, "it's called off? We're good?"

"Yes, babe," I said. "I promise I'll get a better gift soon, but this is the best I could come up with for now. The divorce filing has been dissolved." Nova jumped off the bed in a heartbeat, throwing herself at me. "I love, love, love you!" she exclaimed, "thank you! You're the best! This is the best gift ever."

"I love you, Nova," I said as we pulled away from one another. Nova gave me an ear-to-ear grin. "Likewise, Aubrey" she replied. "I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world. I swear I will never disappoint you like that ever again."