Chapter 30

Come on. Please answer the phone, Floyd. “What?” Floyd groggily answered.

“Floyd! I need your help,” I exclaimed, grateful that he answered.

“What do you need?” he asked me, a bit more awake.

“I kissed Noah last night,” I told him.

“I know,” he responded with a groan.

“What? How?” I asked.

“How do you think?” he muttered. “Noah told me.”

“I need to talk to you,” I explained in a whisper.

“This conversation would be easier to have if you weren’t whispering and if it wasn’t seven in the morning,” he told me.

“Floyd,” I whined.

“And if I had coffee to drink and food to eat,” he told me. “I’ll meet you at the McDonalds near the mall in an hour?”

“Yeah,” I responded.

<<>><<>>

I was at McDonalds ten minutes early and even went as far as to order food for Floyd and myself. I paid for it and it was on the table once he arrived. He sighed gratefully, his eyes lighting when he saw the food on the table. “Thanks, I didn’t think I could wait ten minutes for it to be made.”

Simply shrugging, I began thrumming my fingers along the table. “So I need your help.”

“Yeah, you said that already,” he nodded as he began devouring his muffin.

“What has Noah said about me?” I asked him as I inched closer to the table.

“What?” he asked as he held a napkin up to his mouth.

“Noah, what has he said about me? Tell me everything, anything,” I insisted as I stared at him.

“Well, what do you want to know? Specifically?” he asked me with furrowed eyebrows.

“Okay, what did you guys talk about after I told Noah how I felt?” I was incessantly thrumming my fingers and Floyd glanced at them, silently requesting that I stop. I tucked my hands under my thighs as I sat there, waiting impatiently for the words to spill from Floyd’s mouth.

“Well, uh…I don’t feel comfortable telling you Noah’s secrets,” he told me. I sighed loudly, placing my hands on my face. “It’s the same way for you. I mean, I wouldn’t tell anyone what you’d confide in me.”

“I get it,” I muttered. “But you basically only came here to get free food?”

He grinned at me. “Yeah, pretty much.”

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks anyway.”

“Anytime,” he smirked.

“And, uh, Floyd?” I asked while drawing circles on the table.

“Yeah?” he asked with a mouth full of muffin.

“Are we good?” I asked, looking up at him. “You know, are you going to talk to me now?”

“Yeah, I don’t like you anymore,” he smiled at me. “In fact, I’ve set my sights on a new girl.”

“Really? Who is she?” I asked, my eyebrows rising as I smiled at him.

“Yes, her name is Elizabeth and she’s an amazing artist. She lives down the street from me and she goes to your school,” Floyd explained.

I grinned at him. “I know Elizabeth.”

“Pretty, right?” he asked, taking a large gulp of his coffee.

“Yeah, she’s really cool,” I told him with a smile. “I’m happy for you.”

He smiled down at the table. “Yeah, me too.”

“How’d you meet her?” I inquired.

“Well, I was walking my ferret, Piglet, and she was walking her dog, whose name is also Piglet. My Piglet chased her Piglet down the street into our crazy neighbor’s yard where he came at us with a mop, which smelled oddly like pee…”

<<>><<>> 

“You have got to be kidding me!” Marissa shrieked into the phone.

“Marissa, calm down.”

“No! I will not calm down! He’s such an idiot! Why is he such an idiot?” she complained rather loudly, causing me to cringe away from the phone. She’s been like this for the last ten minutes. She called me to tell me how her date went last night, and then she asked me if I wanted to spend the night. I told her that I couldn’t because of what happened with Noah and she started freaking out.

“He’s not an idiot, Marissa. You can’t call someone stupid for not liking someone else,” I told her.

“No! He is stupid!” she continued to rant and I slowly tuned her out, thinking about how I was going to confront Noah. After much thinking, I came to the decision that I was going to take some time away from him. I want to be his friend, I really do, but I can’t let him do this to me, and I surely can’t do this to myself. Letting him kiss me when he doesn’t like me isn’t helping anyone. It’s just making things worse. “Kenna!”

“Yeah?” I asked her.

“I asked if you were okay,” she responded.

“Me? Oh, yeah, I’m…I’m fine,” I assured her weakly.

“I’m sorry that he’s too stupid to realize what’s right in front of him,” she murmured.

“No, it’s okay, I promise. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t like me,” I told her as I stared down at my jeans.

“So what are you going to do?” she inquired.  

“I-I think I’m going to take some time away from Noah. It’d be best for both of us. I can get my feelings sorted out,” I replied.

“Okay,” she murmured quietly. “Did you hear that? That was the sound of my ship sinking.”

I didn’t bother to ask what she’d meant. I was too busy trying to sound okay, even though I’m not.

<<>><<>>

“Noah, I don’t think we should talk anymore,” I spoke into the mirror before shaking my head. “No, it sounds too official, like I don’t want to be his friend at all.”

I pursed my lips as I continued to brush my hair. “Noah, I think I should take a break from our friendship.” Does that even make sense?

I grumbled under my breath as I glanced at my phone, shoving it in my pocket, and jogging downstairs. I grabbed a pear from the fruit basket before stepping outside and walking towards my car. As I drove to school, I continued to think about ways I could take a break with Noah without making it sound too set in stone.

As I arrived at school, I got out of my car, pulling my bag onto my shoulder. I walked into the building, trying hard not to drag my feet. I saw Marissa by her locker with Dana and they both smiled at me. Both girls waved at me, and Marissa motioned for me to walk over there. I approached them with a fake smile settled on my lips.

“Hey,” I nodded at both of them.

“How are you?” Marissa asked me as her eyes flitted from both of mine repeatedly, as if my true feelings were written along my irises.

“I’m fine,” I told her with a nod. I felt a knot form in my stomach and I wanted to explain that I wasn’t fine and that I didn’t want to do this. But Noah isn’t into the idea of relationships, and even if he was, he wouldn’t want one with me. He even said so himself. It was the “heat of the moment” and that’s all.

“Are you sure?” Marissa inquired.

“It’s okay to not be okay,” Dana replied, smiling kindly at me.

I managed to squeeze out a false laugh. “I’m fine,” I drawled, starting to walk backwards before they could see past my façade. “I promise.”

Both girls stared at me as I disappeared into the gymnasium. Luckily, Ronnie didn’t bother to look at me. He was too busy talking to Troy and I’m sure I embarrassed him enough last class. I glanced ahead and saw Noah sitting on the bleachers with his familiar sketch pad on his lap. I walked up the steps, counting each second as I reached the bench Noah was sitting on.

“Hey,” I greeted Noah.

“Hey,” he replied quietly.

“I, uh, I need to talk to you,” I announced. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. When he saw the serious look on my face, he slowly put his sketchpad down. As I was about to explain to Noah what things were going to be looking like in the future, the coach blew his whistle. I swore under my breath, cursing that stupid whistle. I would sit out for today but I can’t. I checked my grades on Saturday and realized that I have a low C in this class. I can’t afford for it to drop any lower. Getting up, I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. “I’ll talk to you about it some other time, I guess.”

<<>><<>>

I didn’t talk to Noah in American Literature, nor did I speak with him during lunch. I even avoided him once the lunch bell rang because we both had free periods, and I knew he’d probably try and get me to talk then. As I found out recently, Noah is a very curious person. But, for some reason, it surprised me when he tried to catch up to me right after gym ended, and before, and after, American Literature. By lunch time, I knew the drill and I made sure to convince Marissa to invite Dana and Chloe to our lunch table.

Like the wimp I was, I had decided that I would tell Noah over text when I got home. As the time ticked by in art class, I grew more and more impatient. My leg was bouncing and people were glancing at me with an annoyed look as I continued to thrum my fingers along the table. I would apologize and attempt to stop, but I’d end up biting my nails or twirling my hair, which wouldn’t occupy me for long.

The moment the bell rang, I was out of my seat. I packed up ten minutes early, despite Mr. Komodo’s sharp looks, and was out the door the second the bell ended. I managed to get down the steps and out of the school before I was caught. I was caught, quite literally, at the hands of Noah. I was practically booking it towards my car just to avoid him when his hands caught the back of my hoodie, jerking me backwards. He was standing near the exit doors, and I didn’t know if he was mad, mainly because I was still in a sprinting position facing away from him. Like I was a disobedient child, he lightly guided me away from the parking lot exit and toward a quieter area.

“Why are you avoiding me, Kennedy?” he asked as he let go of my hoodie. I let out a sigh as I turned around to look at him.

“I-I don’t think we should be friends,” I blurted. He stared at me with a confused look on his face and I shook my head, urging to slap myself. “Wait, no I didn’t mean that. I meant that I think I should take some time away from you.”

He went to speak but I quickly cut him off with a shake of my head. “Don’t say anything, please.”

“But—,” he started but I cut him off.

“You already know that I like you, and… I like you so much that it scares me. And you don’t like me back, and I know that. I also know that you won’t like me back, and I’ve accepted that. I love our friendship, I do, but I can’t do this to myself. Kissing you whenever and acting like it never happened- I can’t do that,” I told him, taking a large breath. “Y-you can’t just turn feelings on and off.”

“Kennedy—,” he tried again but I stopped him.

“No, Noah. I-I need some space. I hope you understand, and I hope you’re here when I get over you. Until then, I won’t talk to you. I hope you understand. I really do. Take care, Noah,” I told him as I slowly backed away. Turning on my heel, I walked towards my car, opening the door and getting in. Without a moment of hesitation, I started it and drove out of the parking lot.

I ignored the pain in my chest, but I couldn’t ignore the words flashing across my mind. Why did that feel like goodbye?

<<>><<>>

When I got home, my mother wasn’t there, which was unusual. I could really use my mom right now. As I looked on the fridge, I saw a note.

Kenna, I won’t be home until later. Call my cell phone if you need anything.

I stared at it, blinking heavily. With a sudden burst of anger, I ripped it from the fridge and tossed it on the floor. She’s probably with that stupid guy she met on Friday. I stormed upstairs and pulled off my shoes, tossing my bag against the wall. I got in bed and lay there, staring up at the ceiling as I breathed heavily, trying to control my anger.

I’m sick of being hurt. Everyone always hurts me. My mother wasn’t even here on Friday night to comfort me while I cried. In fact, she didn’t come home until Saturday, and when she did, it was ten in the morning and she had a “killer hangover” and she went to sleep. And when she woke up, she stayed in her room and talked on the phone with my aunt. I heard bits and pieces, most of which were about a guy named Terrance. She’s been seeing him for four or five months apparently; I don’t know which because I only heard the F sound before my mother quieted down and I had to tiptoe back to my room.

I stayed up until two in the morning on Friday just waiting for her to come home, waiting for her to tell me that it was alright and that she experienced something like this in her past, but she wasn’t there. And she isn’t here now. She’s probably off with Terrance, telling everyone else about him but her daughter. I should’ve known she was off seeing someone else when she kept bringing up the topic.

I rolled over on my stomach, and buried my face in my pillow, muffling my sobs. Call me weak; call me pathetic; tell me that crying over a guy is pointless. But it’s not only about Noah. It’s about everything- missing my father, wishing my mother was here, wishing that people actually treated me right.

<<>><<>>

I didn’t realize I fell asleep until I woke up. I expected my mom to be home when I woke up, but she wasn’t. Maybe she called. I turned on my phone and noticed five missed calls and six text messages. As I went to my missed calls, I frowned when only one of them was from my mother. Two were from Noah, one was from Floyd, and the other was from Marissa. I didn’t bother to call them back- any of them.

I had a text message from my mom, telling me that she’d be home at ten and that I’d have to make dinner for myself. I glared at the message before checking my others. One was from Floyd and he was telling me to answer my phone. One was from Marissa and she told me to text her as soon as I got her message. With a sigh, I sent her a message explaining that I just woke up from an unplanned nap. I looked at Noah’s messages and bit my cheek.

Kennedy.

Can we talk?

Kennedy?

I felt my fingers hover over the keyboard before I closed out of my text messages and shoved my phone under my blankets. I got up and walked downstairs, turning on the lights as I went. I turned on the television and walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge. I saw a tub of Greek yogurt so I grabbed it and dragged my feet to the couch, dropping down in front of the television.

When my mom arrived home, it was almost midnight and I was sitting on the couch expectantly. My mother walked in with a smile on her face and she jumped when she saw me on the couch. “Kenna, what are you doing awake? You have school tomorrow.”

“I wanted to talk to you,” I shrugged. “You said you’d be home by ten. Where were you?”

“I was at your aunts’ house,” she told me with a small smile. I simply stared at her as the sound of a motorcycle driving down the street filled our ears.

“I didn’t know she bought a motorcycle,” I retorted. I was sitting on the couch as I stared at her. She was standing in the middle of the living room. I could barely see her face- the only form of lighting in the room was the television.

My mother simply stared at me before sighing. “Did you at least get your homework done while you were waiting?” she asked as she noticed my book bag sitting on the carpet beside the couch.

“Why are you lying to me?” I asked her.

“Because it’s none of your business,” she told me. “I’m an adult.”

“Honesty is a one way street, huh?” I muttered quietly.

“Kenna, just go to bed,” she told me with a tired sigh. “It’s twelve o’clock, you have to be exhausted.”

She turned on the light and I stared at her for a few seconds before getting up from the couch and attempting to walk by her. “Are you okay? Have you been crying?”

“No, you’re right- I’m just tired,” I retorted, moving away from her and towards the stairs.

<<>><<>>

I contemplated texting Noah many times. At one point, I began starting a text only to delete it. I did that twelve times. Instead, I decided to text Marissa, figuring that it’d be a heck of a lot easier to talk to her about my problems. She didn’t say much about how I put a hold on my friendship with Noah; she only said that she understood why I did it, but I don’t think she understands.

My mother ended up coming upstairs and into my room but I pretended to be asleep, shoving my phone under my stomach as I lay face down into my pillow. I eventually fell asleep like that.

The next morning when I woke up, I realized that it was four o’clock, so I just got up. I knew if I’d set my alarm for an hour or so, I’d oversleep. So, I got up, showered, and got dressed. I managed to slip out of the house before my mother could realize it. When I arrived at school, I waited until Noah left Marissa before I decided to speak to her.

“Noah told me to tell you that he’s sorry,” Marissa informed me when I joined her on the walk to her first period class. I nodded at her words. I got the idea that he was sorry when he texted me it six times in the span of two hours.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” I shrugged simply. “Tell him to stop feeling guilty.”

“When do you think you’ll get over him?” Marissa asked curiously.

I shrugged, slowing down as we arrived to U.S. History. “I don’t know- maybe a week, maybe two. Who knows?”

Marissa solemnly nodded before slipping into class, giving me a short wave before disappearing to her seat. I started on the walk to the school library, taking a book out of my bag with the intentions of returning it. As I reached the front desk, the librarian smiled at me.

“Kennedy, how are you?” he asked.

Things could be better, but things could be worse. Noah doesn’t like me back. My mother and I aren’t getting along at the moment. I miss my father a lot. “I’m fine,” I responded with a short-lived smile.

I wish I was fine.