So I'm feeling down rn

i can't freaking do anything right when it comes to people.

I have several people rn that are very depressed, to the point that they want to kill themselves, 

AND OF COURSE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! 

I've brought this up before, but I hate having to leave a job unfinished. I hate taking time to help them only to not be able to really HELP them because of course they're like a thousand miles away and the only way I know them is through DeviantART and Discord.

I know I'm like, SUPER chipper and happy and fangirly online, but I make myself like that for a reason. Because to me, being online is where I can get rid of the troubling retardedness that is reality and be in a community where people actually understand me, because lets be honest, fandomists are few an in between versus those who have never been exposed nor understand the ways of fandoms. 

I don't like bringing reality into my online life, because then it takes away my one escape for a while until it dies down, and I'm left feeling very alone and an outsider to... everything, like I am most of the time IRL.

And whenever I try to help these depressed people that need it, reality is like a cold stone wall in a cave a thousand feet below the Earth's surface. I can't move it, all I can do is MAYBE hope to get around it for a while. But in those dark tunnels, I'm surrounded by it everywhere. Try as I might, there's no escape until you find the exit into daylight. 

For me, that exit is through storytelling and fandoms and imagination.

For these other people, kids between 12 and 16 probably, I'm afraid the exit is death.

I don't know what I'd do if one of these people I practically call friends in all but place killed themselves... I honestly don't. I've imagined death, and all I know is that it's the point of no return. I don't want my friends to go past that point and never be able to fix their mistake because they're dead... 

I'm probably a really sad human being because I care WAY too much to survive in this world... tbh, I'm afraid that what one of my friends said was true; I'm afraid that if she DOES go for help with her depression, all people will say is to go do it and kill herself, because that's the society and reality we live in.

Yeah, I'm a pitiful excuse for a modern-day human. I care too much. It's sad that I care this much, because people don't even know how much I really care. 

IDK... I'm going to go drown myself in writing original stories... don't be surprised if no updates for anything comes out for a while...

Watch me get back to normal by the end of the week

-becca4leafclover