Nathan

The air was hot and humid, making me sweat intensively for the second time today. While on the plane it'd reeked of fear, it was now a saltier, slightly more tolerable smell. The driver was humming along to an old Spanish song coming from the crackling speaker on the one side of the car, like the heat didn't bother him one bit. He claimed the AC was broken — if I wanted to cool off, I would have to roll down the window, he'd said.

The foul breeze hitting my face, laced with exhaust fumes and rotting garbage, was only a slightly better alternative than suffering through the heat. April in New York. I'd only been there twice before and had never liked it much. Too crowded. I couldn't imagine June willingly living here, with the endless streams of people not paying attention to anyone but themselves. Or maybe she appreciated the anonymity of it. Maybe in this city, she could walk around without people staring and pointing at her.

"We're here."

The car had stopped abruptly, parking at the side of the road. We'd landed in a street with narrow houses, all with a tiny stroke of fenced-off front yards attached. Most of them were neat and in good repair, some with a touch of color here and there. Every few feet, a tree stretched out its branches to the sky, brightening up the grey of the concrete pavement and the bad road. Kids chased each other and played hopscotch, while their family members hang about, animatedly talking to each other, most of them with a skin like June's or darker. It didn't seem like the worst of neighborhoods. I could see how growing up here could be fun, never alone, always having someone to look out for you.

"It's here on the left. With the orange door."

There was no need to have told me that. My heart skipping a beat had been enough.

Because there, sitting on the front steps with another girl, was June.

She was laughing about something, her shoulders shaking, her hands relaxed in her lap. Her hair was bound together in a braid, dangling in front of her. From here, it was impossible to see if the little lights were there, but I imagined they were, and that if I just stepped out to get closer, I would get to see them.

The girl next to her was Valentina, looking all grown-up, putting her arm around her cousin and saying something in her ear that made her shriek louder.

To the left, a bulky guy grinned down at them, someone I assumed to be David, her other cousin who I'd only ever seen in pictures. He was the big, tough type, with a long denim jacket and muscular arms, casually leaning against the iron fence as he told jokes to the two at his feet.

I released a breath I hadn't been aware of holding. She was fine. She was doing okay. She wasn't alone, and she was still able to smile. The death of her father hadn't completely destroyed her, like I'd been afraid it might have.

Of course not. She was strong. Stronger than I'd ever been.

With a bitter taste in my mouth, I remembered saying to her that we were both fighters, her and me, that we did what we had to do, never gave up. Some bullshit. If I had been a fighter, I wouldn't be a lawyer now. If I had been a fighter, it wouldn't have taken me ages to realize what she meant to me. If I had been a fighter, it would've been me sitting with her, making her laugh.

I could live up to the name right this moment. Get out of the car, walk up to her, and confess my love for her or some shit like that.

But who would I be fighting for, if I did that?

Her, or me? The both of us?

I loved her.

But would it be fair to come clean? Drop that on her, when she appeared to have finally retrieved some peace? Or would it be selfish? A selfish thing coming from a selfish guy who very selfishly had kissed her, and selfishly left her by herself to save his own ass. She was only seventeen, for god's sake, and I put her through all of that, and then she also lost her dad, the one person in the whole wide world who meant the most to her. He died, while I was busy saving my reputation, too confused to see what kind of golden prize was right in front of me.

I'd promised to be a solution, and all I did was cause more problems.

What kind of love was that?

She'd begged me to leave her be. She didn't want me here, didn't want me — she wanted me with Charlotte. I should respect that, right? So, why was I here?

"You gonna get out or what?" The driver tapped the numbers on his display. "Because as long as you keep sitting there, I'm gonna keep this meter running. It's gonna cost, pal."

I didn't care. I probably wouldn't even miss the money if I stayed like this all day.

But if I stayed like this all day, she would eventually spot me, or go back inside. With a shaky determination, I seized the door handle, ready to face her, to do something, no matter what the outcome would be — then my phone rang, loud and clear. Shit. Before I could draw attention to myself, I dug it out of my pocket, planning to toggle off the sound.

Instead, my gaze was stuck to the screen, or more like, to the name on it. Why would she call me? That didn't make any sense.

Without thinking, I picked up.

"Don't you dare get out of that taxi. You've hurt her enough already."

I froze at the cold voice, feeling just like the spoiled kid she'd always managed to reduce me to.

Mrs. Aranda.

My throat tightened as I searched the carefree people on the sidewalk, finally locating the woman at the corner of the house, holding her phone to her ear, staring directly at me with her burning eyes.

"Eres veneno," she said.

Then, there was nothing more except for meaningless beeping. For a second, I thought I'd imagined it. She was still there, though, focused on me, arms crossed. I opened up a dictionary, my fingers trembling, almost afraid to type it in.

Eres veneno.

You are poison.

The words cut right through me, leaving a stinging pain in my chest. I couldn't look away from them, like they'd put a spell on me. Poison.

She believed I was poison.

And maybe she was right. June had helped me countless times, always been there for me, and what had I ever done in return? Moan about Lena. Moan about my parents. Moan about law school. While all along, it'd been my own choice. Playing the victim, like I had any reason to complain compared to her. I had everything, and I thought I'd never taken that for granted, but maybe I did.

I'd taken her to see the eagles, more than once, risking us getting caught. Driving in the middle of the night, while she should've been in bed. While we both should've been in bed. She'd gone with me, been with me every step of the way, and then when the situations were reversed, when she needed me, I'd run away. Even right after I'd promised her I would do my best to be a solution. Seemed like I wasn't very good at it.

She'd always been my defense lawyer, but for this, there was no defense.

I failed her. I failed Charlotte. Failed Sam. Lena. Even myself.

I was a complete mess.

What right did I have to beg for forgiveness, again? All she'd ever done was lend me a hand, and I hadn't even realized what that meant to me until it was too late.

What kind of love was that?

Not the kind she deserved.

Valentina was doing a better job than I had ever done, hugging her close and laughing with her. Why did she look even more beautiful now that I couldn't have her in my life? She was better off without me, and she knew it. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been sitting there, with that honest smile on her face, no sign of missing California — no sign of missing me. She'd said it very clearly. "Just leave me alone."

That should be it.

Something wet slipped down my cheeks. I didn't have the energy to wipe it away. I didn't have the energy to do anything.

"I changed my mind," I heard myself say. "I wanna get back to the airport."

The driver sighed, shaking his head, and then we took off. Away from June. Away from that stunning smile that soon disappeared from view, hidden somewhere behind a tree. It wasn't meant for me anyway.

More tears sprang free. The streets of Soundview became a blur, a vague chaos of colors, as more and more distance was put between me and the girl I loved.

Missed my chance. Again.