I am waking up in your bed, remembering how wonderful you were last night. Is this really not a dream?

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5:35 PM, August 3rd, 2018 - Bangkok

My phone buzzed, a text from P' Saii. The bed-scene shoot was postponed. You had left the set.

I felt vanquished, full of hatred and grotesque for myself. You know! Oh God! You know! A quick-witted guy like you must have spotted it. How could I be so careless? Why did I kiss you for real earlier? I threw my head back at the headrest, violently punching the right pillars of the van. My driver approached in panic, but quickly turned away after peeking through the heavily tinted windows. He understood that I needed my space.

Since when did you know? How did you know? What have you been thinking of me? Good God! You must have been sickened every time you looked at me. Does your girl know, too? Ha ha. Why wouldn't she? I dejectedly chuckled, turning my head from side to side on the headrest, rocking the left arm on my forehead, couldn't open my eyes. That's it. The end of a seemingly perfect bromance and co-star relationship. I am in so much agony. My entire body curled up in pain on the ride home. P' Aat helped pull me toward the van's door, neatly donned a jacket over me, covering my head with its hood, propping me all the way inside the condo. Mom was still out with nóong.

I went right into the bathroom, latched the door, slumped into the bathtub, and let the cold water run over my fully enrobed body. I was spaced out for hours. I couldn't think. I was like this the day dad left, feeling the world crumbling above me. You are my world, Korn. The world of my present. My now shattered present. But I couldn't cry. Anger and regrets kept building up in me. It felt as though the tiny capillaries in my brain were bursting one by one, with each a sharp pain on my temples.

I walked out of the tub in shrivers, undressed, covering myself in a blanket, dialing Coren's number.

"Knock?" Coren answered in his sleepy voice. It's only 5AM there but I couldn't care less. "You need me?"

I couldn't speak. Tears started to run down my face. My mind was in a sea of sorrow. My chest felt suffocated. I let out a sob.

"It's okay, Knock. It's okay to cry. Shhh! shhh!" I heard Coren leaving his bed, closing the door behind him, probably didn't want to disturb his wife. "It's okay, bro. I am here for you. It's gonna be alright, I promise. Shhh! Shhh!"

He must have repeated those words for another 10 minutes. I finally calmed down.

"I think he knows, bro. He's been avoiding me. He left in the middle of the shoot today." I tried to clear my nose and throat, speaking through snuffles. My mind is clearer after crying. Tears are such effective stress reliever.

"Listen to me, Knock. I want you to go stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. Go now!" He pressed, waited for me to heed, then steadied his voice, enunciating every word. "Now look into your eyes. Do you love Korn? Just answer to yourself. Do you love him? If you do, that's all that matters, Knock. Why do you have to fear your love? It's BEAUTIFUL to be able to love someone, Knock. It takes bravery. So, don't be dismayed! Be proud of your love! Even if he does not understand you or your affection, it's okay! You have given. But you can't force him to take it. Am I right? So what do you do? You wait if you have the time. Or you cooly say 'Ah, alright!' and walk away. Relationships are dynamic, Knock. It's impossible to restore them to pristine states once they have shattered or cracked. No matter how hard you try to put them back together, the scars of the schism remain. So, re-summon your cool and bravery and face it head-on, Knock. You have learned to love. Now also learn to let go. Be loving, but be positive. You will get through the pain. I guarantee it. Learn to let go of what does not belong to you. Respect his feelings. A fair man will live in harmony with the world. A fair man is a cool man. So admit your love and keep your cool, my brother! I am proud of you."

Coren hung up without another word. He was an absolute professional, allowing me time and space to continue my train of thoughts without the interruption of a typical "Goodbye" or "Think about I just said." I stood still, staring at my reflection until I could put on a smile. I love you.

I threw my back on the bed, asking Siri to play Jim Croce's Time In A Bottle.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

When the song ended, I got dressed, put on a hooded jacket and a mask, walked two blocks away, then took a taxi to your place.

1:00 AM, August 4th, 2018 - Bangkok

As I stood in front of your townhome, part of the fear came back. It's already past midnight. You must be with your girl. How am I going to explain my appearance at this hour, let alone being able to talk to you in private. I hesitated, then remembered Coren's voice. I pressed the door bell, ready to face the falling sky.

Your door propped open. The whole house was in the dark. I saw the back of your head as you walked way. You must be furious at me, not even looking up, didn't say a word.

I cautiously followed you in. My eyes haven't gotten used to the dark. I lost tracked of you, softly calling out your name, afraid that I would wake her up.

I saw you come charging back into the hall way. A blue light reflection casted on your face. You were filled with rage, shouting at me in frustration. I pleaded for a chance to talk but you were so cruel. So she left. And it hurt me to see you struggle because she left. It must have been because of me. She probably couldn't accept the fact that you are filming a BL with a guy who is secretly in love with you. But it's unfair for me too, dear heaven. I couldn't stand the thought that she meant this much to you. So, I yelled back at you, ridiculously.

It hurt, when you heartlessly accused me of not caring about you. But what made me die from within was your outrageous reaction to my reach. You didn't want anything to do with me. Talking at this moment wouldn't be of any help. So, I backed away, in pain and in injustice, more than anger.   

Quickly after, I heard you rushing toward me, suddenly pulled my elbow, entrapping me in your enclosed arms. For a split second, I thought I had stopped breathing. But the fear of making you despise me caused me to shove you away. Yet, you stubbornly locked me in your powerful upper arms, hugging me so close to you. I couldn't move. I couldn't escape, physically and emotionally. You must have been afraid that our friendship would end if I had left. You must still treasure me as a friend. 

So I had no other choice but to admit it--my "beautiful" but unwanted love for you. I was overcome with sadness, having to accept the cruel reality that the love I feel for you, the love that was burning my heart inside out, is unrequited. So, I surrendered. There was no longer a need to resist. My emotions have beens stripped, crude and bare in front of your eyes, relinquishing itself, as an act of martyrdom to save our friendship.

I was so sad when you let go of me that I thought I would cry. I did not want to let go of this affection but understood that I had to part with it. It ached me to say sorry for loving you. It stabbed me, again, when I promised to get your girl back. But I knew, those were the things I should do, to make you happy again.

Then you suddenly locked your lips on mine. Your lips were so consuming and so passionate that I couldn't resist. I lost myself in that moment. I was tantalized. Your body overpowered mine. All I could smell was the mesmerizing scent of your aftershave. All I could hear was your fast and provocative breathing. All I could taste was the warmth of your flesh, wrapping all around me. Yet, in a heart beat, everything wonderful became utterly bitter with the thought that you were teasing me! Or you might have gotten caught up in our characters. So I stopped, justifying my action in woe. I really love you.

The instant you said you love me, my body was bursting in happiness. All my muscles magically regained their vitality, I wanted your lips. I could finally kiss your soft, invitingly lips as I indulge in the love they could lead me to perceive. All the memories of our kisses on-set came flashing back, reminding me of your long-existed affection. Our souls were in harmony since then. I couldn't be happier. I could feel myself drawing you nearer and nearer, yet couldn't feel you close enough. My body kept curling up to get another micrometer of you. But even when we were completely rested on each other, I needed you to be closer. Your warm, tightening strokes on my sides nearly drove me into madness. For the first time, I desired your body.

All my muscles were tense and bulking, yet I felt so small in your embrace. Every inch of me craved your touch and your lips. But I wasn't sure of your yen. You just broke up with a girl. Accepting me now might be too much of a rush.

Yet, your eyes said you desired me. Your smile said you wanted to have me. Your bare upper body said you were ready for me. Your skin was as smooth as I remember from the set. It tasted delicious. I couldn't let go of you during our entire trip to the bed.

The linen was so soft. The whole room was lightly decorated in blue, your favorite color. Even in this dim lamp's light, you were perfectly handsome. How could one's body be so flawless? Talking eyes, dazzling smile, greatly proportioned, oozing in sexiness. Which human being wouldn't desire you? But here you are, sitting over my bare abdomen, kissing me, nibbling me, stimulating very bit of my body.

As your lips glided lower and lower on my pelvic, I was struck by the thought of sex. I had never been with anyone. I wouldn't really know what to do, unsure of the non-drama process. Yet, the look on your face gave me confidence. I looked into your eyes as you unzipped me. The instant your warm, strong hands brushed on my lower abdomen, my body engorged.

When you motioned me to sit up, I thought I couldn't breath again. I could feel our bodies hardening. My heart was beating so fast that I had to gasp for air. I understood the actual sequence of love-making.

I wanted to make you feel the pleasure that you just made me feel. So I pushed you down onto the bed, kissing you the way you just kissed me, slowly and carefully, to make you feel treasured and loved.

On your rigid abdomen, I couldn't help but kept nibbling you lower and lower, feeling your warmth, smelling our pheromones being secreted. I would argue with any scientist at that moment that human sex pheromones do exist, evidently because I could smell yours. I reached over to turn off the lamp, unzipped your trousers, just to find myself caressing and kissing between your legs for eternity. I felt your upper body curling up, your toes spreading out, your head moving from side to side, and your hands tangling mindlessly in my hair. I heard you softly moaning. I wanted to swallow you.

Instantaneously, you lightly motioned to pull me back up to you, finding my lips. You squeezed my head against yours. I could feel your tongue deep in my oral cavity. You started to stroke the length of my back, down to my thighs, and clutching strongly under my buttlock, slowly rocking me on top of you. I felt yours hard, against mine. My body couldn't contain the powerful sensation so my upper back and neck muscles flexed backward, letting out a maddening moan. You grabbed my body to sit up, your hands still on the back of my thighs, our eyes met again with love and... lust.

You freed yourself from under me, quickly but gently pressing me facedown on the bed, then starting to kiss the back of my neck, turning my face over our left side with your right hand so your lips could meet mine. I felt your left hand sliding down the length of my back, over my left hip, slowly over my pelvic, caressing me. In an automatic reaction, my palms pushed up on the bed, propping me on my knees. Your upper body was still wrapping on my back, your hand was still around me, but I lost your lips. Your fingers were so stimulating I thought I would pass out. Then I felt another strong stroke on my right butt cheek. I had to gasp for more air. You were brushing me, fondling me, tickling me, arousing me so much that my entire body was trembling. My palms and soles were squeezing to relieve the overwhelming tingling sensation they received from my spinal nerve ganglions. I felt my butt cheeks open. I felt your fingers entering me, one by one, making me moan in madness. My body flopped closer to the bed, still on my knees. My back bent downward. Then, magically, you were inside me, still. I felt your hands on my hips, your pelvic against my behind. You were waiting for me to regain my control.

Readjusted my breathing, I slowly motioned backward to be closer to you, almost sitting up on my knees. I turned my head to the side, reaching my arms backward to hold your face, my lips asking for your lips. You kissed me again, wrapping your arms in front of me, touching my chest, my collarbones. Your left hand caressing my pelvic, your index finger extending to the tip of me. I trembled again, squeezing in pulses. Your body trembled, each a heart beat right behind mine. Then I felt a brief thrust in me, my upper body fell forward, on my lightly extended arms. Your right hand on my right hip, pulling me in closer and closer. You thrust deeper, deeper, more passionately each time. Your left fingers wrapped around my phallus, embracing me with each lunge. I couldn't rationalize. My head was empty. My body just felt you. You were so perfect. Your body was loving me and longing for me. I couldn't ask for more in that heavenly moment. But my body didn't relax. I moved toward you faster and faster, inviting you to move within me faster and faster. You grabbed my hips tightly with both hands, increasing the speed of your breath, thrusting more rapidly in me...until you shove me completely forward, exploding within me as I exploded on your bed sheet. You collapsed on me, nuzzling the back of my neck, embracing my upper chest from behind with your left arm, still inside me. We both felt asleep.

11:15 AM, August 4th, 2018 - Bangkok

My preset phone alarm must have gone off for minutes. I reached out but could not detect it anywhere. So, I opened my eyes, overwhelmed with happiness, seeing you right next to me, still asleep. You are so handsome. I scanned the entire room. The alarm stopped buzzing.

I am waking up in your bed, remembering how wonderful you were last night. Is this really not a dream?

You reached over, motioned for me to put my head on your right shoulder, ran your left hand through my hair, squeezing my scalp intermittently. '"hope I am not dreaming," you said. That simple statement brought joy to my face. I closed my eyes, nuzzling your chin. I could live in this moment for eternity.

You asked Siri to play Feeling Good by Nina Simone, one of my favorites, then just laid in bed, stroking and nuzzling me until the song ended.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

"We need to get ready for the shoot." You said. "Will you shower with me?" You said.

"What????  Are you ****** crazy?" I jolted out of bed, just to feel utterly embarrassed by my nudity. You quickly wrapped me in the comforter, holding me in your linked arms. Your smile was so beautiful that I couldn't resist the urge to kiss you. So we were all over each other again. She was with you in this room, on this bed, probably the same sheet, but I couldn't care less.

You wrapped my legs around your waits, holding me up with your hands, carrying me into the shower. You were my magnet.

An hour later, we were getting ready to head out for the set. I am wearing your new set of clothes. We put on dress shirts and ties. We kissed before rolling your heavily tinted BMW out of your garage, knowing that we won't get to feel each other again until the strictly scripted bed-scene shot.

There was no need talk about the future. We have always felt as one, hence will naturally think as one. So this love will stand, time and all that entails.

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Whoo!!! That's it for this fic, my friends. Please, really, share your thoughts. I will write the next KornKnock story SOMETIME after TWM: TNC finished airing.

But if I receive lots of encouragement, I will definitely try to make time for the next story.

Peace and love to you!

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