Him

Arabelle's vocal cords was damaged.

The doctor said that in order to retain her voice, surgery would be needed. It was a rare case, he said, but the possibility of it happening was because she kept on screaming for days until it damaged her cords.

And I made an oath to myself that once I find that bastard, I'll fucking make him mute. I'll make sure he'll scream until he ran out of saliva.

"Are you okay?" I asked when I entered her hospital room. She was done in her surgery and I never sleep a wink the whole time she was in the surgery room.

The doctor advised her not to talk for at least a month after the surgery. But he assured her that she'll be able to talk again, only that her pitch would be limited.

And that's more than okay. I don't know what I'll do if I lost her voice. I'd probably damage my cords as well just so she wouldn't feel alone.

One nod and I felt relief by that. I sighed and grabbed a chair so I could sit beside her bed. She quietly observed my move, unmoving.

That was our routine. I would always visit her every day to feed her. Or when she's not hungry, she'll watch something on the laptop I gave her. Every time she watched a show she would turn to me with an expectant eye, urging me to watch with her so I ended up watching the things she watch.

And when something funny would happen, she would immediately turn to me, to see if I I was laughing.

That was cute. I never paid attention to any shows that we watched together because my attention was all on her the whole time. I would observe her expression, the way her pupils dilated when she felt fluttered from the leading man, or the way her eyes teared up when a sad scene comes, or the way she quietly laugh at a funny scene. Her expression was worth more than a movie, and I felt like watching it more and more.

I was addicted, and I don't think this is getting better.

I should stop myself before it gets worse.

"Iiwan mo si Arabelle?" Gulat na tanong ni Lumiere nang ibalita ko sa kaniyang pansamantala muna akong pupunta sa abroad.

"Only for a week. I receive a call about Cara's whereabouts, a hint that she's in the america."

I expected it. She stole half a million dollars from me and I know she's nowhere near the Philippines.

"Magpapaalam ka?"

Kumunot ang noo kong nang binalingan siya. I looked at him like he lost his mind.

"Why would I? It's not like she'll look for me." I scoffed and shook my head as I puffed a smoke on my cigar.

"Ano?" He sounds dumbfounded.

Umiling nalang ako at tumingin sa kawalan. I hate to admit it but everyone, except me, heard her voice. They were all talking about how cute and soft her voice was and the very first person who even heard her voice was that fucking Cog. Of course, I was curious, about how her voice changed, but every time I spend my time with her, she was quiet. She didn't even initiated to say a word even when I was asking her a question.

Ako ang palagi niyang kasama, ako ang nagpapakain sa kaniya, ako ang nagbabantay sa tuwing natutulog siya, pero hindi niya man lang magawang magsalita sa akin? It just show that she didn't trust me that much. No, she never trusted me. She hated me and I hate myself more than that. I failed to protect her, she must be mad that I'm the reason why she lost her voice.

I even saw her watching the same drama we watched together with Cog. She laughed differently when she's with him. With him, her laughter sounds contagious. But with me, she didn't even came close to laughing. She'd just laugh silently, or chuckle quietly, restraining her laugh, making sure I never get to hear her voice through her laughter.

And I hate to admit it, but she's better off with Cog. She feels comfortable around him, and he's making her laugh. Maybe she's falling in love with her. Maybe what she felt for me was just infatuation.

So I left without proper goodbye. It's not like I won't come back. I'll go back to her, I'm just not sure if she'll welcome me.

"What? She booked a flight to the Philippines?" Iritado kong tanong nang makatanggap ng tawag na bumalik daw siya sa Pilipinas.

I've been looking for her for the past week only to discover that she came back to the Philippines! I need to find her before everything becomes worse! Arabelle would continue to be in danger unless I find Cara back. Dahil hangga't hindi ko nahahanap si Cara, mapagkakamalan nilang si Cara si Arabelle.

I booked a flight back to the Philippines. I should look for her, I should look for Cara, but I found myself back to the mansyon where Arabelle stays. Maybe because I wanted to check if she's okay? Yeah, that's just it. Because I'm guilty.

What I expect when I entered her room was an indifferent stare. Or an unwelcoming gaze. But none came. Because the moment I entered her room, she threw everything she could see on me. She was mad, but the next thing that happened was that she was crying, in my arms, like she missed me.

I didn't expect that.

I watched her sleep on my bed peacefully. After the cute little tantrum she made, I lifted her up and carried her to my bedroom. Thankfully, she let me. Until she fell asleep.

Just like any other nights, my insomnia kicked in. Hindi ako nakatulog ulit hanggang sa nakaramdam ako ng pagod at nakaidlip sa upuan. 

A sound made me wake up. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Arabelle, in front of me, with a blanket on her hand. She was covering me with her blanket! Hindi ako makapaniwala! Am I dreaming?

Her lips parted when she realized I was awake. Napaatras siya nang mapagtantong gising na ako but I held her wrist to stop her from stepping back.

"Beauty," I called.

She blinked and looked at me confusingly, as if she was asking me why am I calling her.

"Answer me." I said.

Once again, she blinked. She gulped and bit her lower lip to stifle a word from coming out. Her eyes then went down to my hands on her wrist but I didn't let her go. My stare remained on her.

"Bakit ayaw mo magsalita?" I gently asked, careful not to ask her harshly even when I'm kind of frustrated.

She avoided her gaze, that's her only answer.

I sighed and let go of her. I should not force her if she's uncomfortable.

"Go back to sleep, okay?" I said softly and looked at the grandfather's clock. It's still two in the morning.

She nodded and immediately went to the bed. Iniwan niya ang kumot sa hita ko at kaagad akong tinalikuran nang mahiga na siya. I grabbed the comforter she left and stood. Nakita kong dumiin ang pagkakapikit niya sa mata niya nang mapansing lumapit ako sa kaniya. I bit my lower lip to stifle a smile as I wrap the comforter around her.

After I make sure that she's comfortable, I sat back on the chair and closed my eyes. Nakaramdam ako ng kaluskos kaya idinilat ko ang mata ko at nakitang nakatingin sa akin si Arabelle, nagtataka.

"What is it, Beauty?"

Her eyes went down to the space beside her. I know what she meant— I know the question she wanted to ask.

Why am I not sleeping on the bed beside her?

But I pretended to be dumb just so she would utter those unsaid questions.

"What?" Nagtaas ako ng kilay, telling her to ask what she wanted to ask.

Tinuro niya ang space sa kama pagkatapos ay tinuro ako. She even tilted her head, like she's commanding me to sleep beside her.

Why is she fucking cute?

"Ano?" I pretended not to understand the implications.

She parted her lips and I sit up straight, anticipating to hear her voice for the very first time.

I wonder how cute can her voice be?

But she glared at me, like she knew I understand her but was just pretending to be dumb.

Damn it!

"Fine." Tumayo ako at humiga sa kama, napausog siya at kaagad akong tinalikuran. Binalot niya ang buong katawan ng kumot na para bang natatakot siya sa akin.

"You wanna cuddle?" I asked, just teasing her because she looked so restless beside me.

Bumangon siya para lang sipatan ako pero hindi iyon ang napansin ko. Her cheeks were flushing as she glared at me and I think that's cute. Humalakhak ako nang kaagad siyang humiga para lang matabunan ang buong katawan hanggang sa ulo.

"You didn't answer me, Beauty. I assume you want it?" I provoked.

She let out a soft groan out of frustration and my ears pulsated when I heard how soft her voice was. Aside from the restrained laughter I heard when we were together, this is a new sound I heard from her!

And it sounds so fucking soft, like a piano in its low key, weak yet harmonious, and I'm the pianist, addicted with its key, making me want to play it again and again, creating various song with its sound.

"You have a nice voice, Beauty." I said even when I'm a little frustrated I didn't get to hear it fully.

She didn't answer me and it frustrates me more. I think I'll get addicted to her voice once I hear her speak. Will that day come? I don't know! She doesn't trust me!

Tangina mo kasi, Adam. Bakit mo inaway dati?! Ayan tuloy!

Hindi siya nagsalita! Hindi niya na ako nilingon! Hindi na niya ako pinansin! Wala na talagang pag-asa pang marinig ko ang boses niya!

Paano ako makakatulog ng maayos nito? Matapos kong makarinig ng kaunting boses niya, iiwan niya na ako? Gano'n nalang 'yon?!

"Beauty?"

Tangina! Hindi niya na talaga ako sinagot!

I sighed loud and closed my eyes in frustration. That fucking Cog was lucky to hear her voice first while here I am, desperate just to hear an ounce of word from her.

Hindi ko napansing nakatulog ako bunga ng pagod.

And I regret sleeping on bed.

Because it reminded me once again of my past.

The innocent seven years old Adam.

"Mama?"

"Shh!" Galit niyang suway nang tumabi siya sa akin sa kama.

I stared at her red eyes.

"Umiyak ka, mama?"

"Adam! Tumahimik ka! Maririnig ka ng papa mo!" She glared at me.

I nodded and stared at her face.

"Tangina naman, eh. Bakit kasi magkamukha kayo?!" Iritado niyang sabi sa akin.

"Sorry, mama."

"Tsk! Talikod nga! Ang panget tuloy ng mood ko! Tangina kasi 'yong papa mo eh!" Malakas ang pagkakahablot niya sa braso ko para lang matalikod ako sa pagkakahiga.

Pero hindi ako nakatulog dahil sa mura niya kay Papa. She kept on repeating how much she hates him and how much she loathes me that I look like her.

But in the middle of all those curses, she will cry at night, mourning for my father's love.

Nasasaktan ako para sa kaniya pero hindi ko siya magawang tulungan kasi ayaw niya sa pagmumukha ko.

Ganon palagi, palagi kong naririnig sa gabi ang mga mura at iyak niya kaya hindi ako nakakatulog ng maayos. Masakit na marinig siyang umiiyak pero mas masakit na hindi ko siyang magawang yakapin dahil ayaw niya sa pagmumukha ko.

One night, I discovered that she was hurting herself in the middle of her breakdown.

"Mama!" Napabangon ako sa pagkakahiga para pigilan siya sa paglaslas ng kamay niya.

"Bitiwan mo ako!" Hagulhol niya sabay tulak sa akin.

Ayaw kong mamatay si mama! Sinong mag-aalaga kay Cara kapag namatay siya? Wala nang mama si Cara!

Sinubukan ko siyang pigilan ulit pero dahil sa lakas niya ay naibaon niya ang talim sa kamay ko, masakit siya kaya nabitawan ko siya kasabay ng pagtulak niya sa akin kaya bumagsak ako sa sahig. Sobrang sakit ng katawan ko pero dapat hindi mamatay si mama!

"Mama! Please!" Pakiusap ko sabay hagulhol.

Hindi siya nakinig sa akin. Humahagulhol siyang sinugatan ang pulsuhan niya and I cried at the sight of blood. I was forced to watch her hurt herself while her blood stained on my bed. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang umiyak at magmakaawang tigilan niya na ang ginagawa hanggang sa napagod siya.

Napagod na rin ako pero hindi ako puwedeng matulog! Baka saktan niya ulit ang sarili niya!

"Adam?"

A soft voice made me wake up from my nightmare. I didn't even know I was panting, or that I was losing my breath.

Arabelle was the very first person I saw when I opened my eyes and she looked so worried. She was wiping my sweats using a towel, and her lips were parted. Napabangon ako sa pagkakahiga at kaagad na pumikit nang maalala ang napanaginipan ko.

It traumatized me to the point I never wanted to sleep on bed again.

But there's more to that.

And I never wanted to go back to that deepest part of my memory again.

Mabuti nalang at ginising ako ni Arabelle.

Wait— did I just heard her voice?

Gulat akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya nang mapagtantong tinawag niya ang pangalan ko!

"Did you call my name?" Because maybe I was hallucinating!

Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin pero hindi siya nagsalita— malamang! Hindi 'yan magsasalita sa 'yo!

But I heard her soft voice earlier! Don't tell me that was a dream?!

"Beauty?"

She tilted her head but she didn't answer me! Did I really hallucinated it?!

I sighed loud and gave up. She will never talk to me! She will never trust me with her voice!

Will there even come a time where I can hear her voice all by myself?

🥀