Her

I didn't want him to hear my new voice.

Because I hated my new voice. And I don't want him to hate it as well.

And I'm shy!

Ang pangit kasi ng bagong boses ko. It sounds so feminine! Iyong boses na hindi ko kayang ipagtanggol ang sarili ko. And I hate it! I hate that I lost my original voice. I hate that the voice I used to use whenever I defend myself was long gone. My voice was barely a whisper, and I feel so ashamed.

Pamiramdam ko maririndi siya sa oras na marinig niya ang boses ko. And I'm too scared to disappoint myself when I see his reaction.

"Cog." My voice was barely heard when I called him.

Natigil siya sa pagsusuklay ng buhok niya nang marinig ang boses ko. Nilingon niya ako at nilapitan para marinig ng maayos ang mahina kong boses.

"Si Adam?" I could feel how my voice strained my throat a little when I spoke. The doctor said it would gradually heal and I'm trusting it because I feel like giving up.

Giving up my voice.

Because even when I have my voice, no one was there to listen. Not even a single person can save me. The screams I made for three days was all worthless and I could vividly remember how I wished I lost my voice because it was useless, no one will hear me anyway.

But the people around me made me feel heard. It makes me want to regain my voice back.

So slowly, but surely, I started to whisper little words to them. I wanted them to know that I'm trying my best for them.

Except Adam.

It's not that I hate him or I don't trust him. It's just that I refuse to be disappointed once again. I care so much about what he thinks of me, I'm afraid he'll hate my new voice. Because I know he will.

"Ahh . . . may pinuntahan. Pero binilin niyang sabihin sa 'yong babalik siya." He smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Okay . . ."

"Natapos mo na ba 'yung drama na pinapanood mo noong nasa hospital tayo?" Tanong niya nang nakangiti.

I smiled at that. Adam was the first person who watched that drama with me, but I noticed that he wasn't really paying attention to the drama. Maybe he didn't like it, so I was kinda disappointed, thankfully, Cog saw me watching the drama and told me that he was watching the same drama I was watching. Nahihiya akong pilitin pa si Adam na manood kasama ako kaya si Cog ang kasama kong nanood, he was a funny companion, and I enjoyed being with him, it's just that I wish he was Adam . . . if only he's interested with my type of dramas.

I was so happy I had a companion when I realized, Adam didn't visit me again. He never skipped a day when he visits me. But the morning after I watched the drama with Cog, he didn't visit me again!

I could still remember how I waited for hours for him and I was so disappointed when it was Cog who delivered my food. Nasanay akong pinapakain niya kaya nanibago ako noong ako lang mag-isang kumain. Hindi naman ako napitulan ng kamay pero siya ang nagpapakain sa akin na para bang bata ako, and I silently loved it, kaya hinayaan ko.

And now that I'm all alone, with no one to feed me, I feel lonely.

He was like the sun before the dark clouds, the warmth of his presence gave me energy to keep on going despite the looming clouds above the surface, ready to storm any minute, but it doesn't matter, as long as the sun can keep me warm, I know I'll be able to handle the storm.

But today, the sun didn't arive and I was all alone. Stuck in the darkness, hating myself once again. In those nights after the incident, I never felt like the same girl again. Now, all I see was a broken soul under the protection of her facade, like a wilted rose, destroyed and in thorn. I felt so filthy and dirty.

Kaya hindi ko napigilan ang paghagulhol ko nang makita siyang bumalik after a week! After a week of hopelessly waiting for him! After a week of being stuck under the dark clouds withou a hint of sun to nourish me.

"Oo . . ." Sagot ko kay Cog nang mapagtantong siya nanaman ang nasa loob ng isipan ko.

Tumango siya at ngumiti, I smiled back at him before I went back to the mansion. When I visited Manila for surgery, I couldn't help but to think of my Papa. Kung kumusta na kaya siya? Is he enjoying the freedom? If he is, I'm happy.

Although there were times that I miss him.

To distract myself, I decided to write a chapter on my new novel. Tulad ng dati, sa library ako nagstand-by para makapagsulat sa notebook ng mga senaryo sa librong ginagawa ko. Wala pa akong title but I was inspired to write a story because I like the male lead of my book.

I was too distracted with my story, I didn't notice someone was watching me. Nag-angat ako ng tingin at kaagad na kumalabog ang puso ko nang magtama ang tingin namin. He was observing me as he stand near the doorway, both hands inside the pocket, leaning against the wall, with his usual indifferent expression and black mask on.

My lips parted to utter a word but I stop myself before it's too late. Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin, he was expecting me to say anything but I refused.

"What are you doing here, Beauty?" It was another attempt to make me talk.

I raised the notebook I was holding, telling him that I'm writing a story.

"What?" Here he goes again, pretending to be dumb.

I rolled my eyes at him and shook my head. He chuckled at that. This past few days, after his return, I started showing him my usual bratty attitude and he seemed to love it.

Hindi naman talaga ako maldita pero ang sarap maging maldita kapag siya ang kasama ko. And I don't know if I should be frustrated or happy that he's enjoying my attitude.

"So that novel, huh? With that red flag male lead?" He asked as he slowly approached me.

My heart hammered at the approaching beast. I feel like a prey, about to get cornered in the hunter's trap.

"The male lead with blue eyes . . ." He remembered what he saw! "Does it have black mask on the left side of his face, too?" Nagtaas siya ng kilay sa akin, challenging me.

I glared at him and pointed the door, telling him to get out but he just chuckled and shook his head.

"You're too heartless, Beauty. I've been taking care of you but you're treating me like I'm a monster." He said it carelessly like he didn't care about it but the content of his words was like from a broken-hearted man with no one to recognize his efforts.

I avoided my eyes and tried to distract myself with my notebook, not knowing what to do. I'm not treating him as a monster, although I am scared,  but not because he's a monster, but because I'm scared that if I get too close, I'll end up being disappointed.

I like him. I fucking like him so much to the point this isn't just a simple like anymore. And I'm too scared to disappoint my heart's first beat.

He was the very first man to ever make my heart beat this much, and although I know I can get anyone I like, I'm not so sure with him. After all, I'm just a carbon copy of his love.

"Beauty, why are you making me feel this way?" He gently asked, stopping in front of the sofa I was sitting on.

Nanginginig ang kamay kong nagpanggap na nagsusulat kahit na hindi ko na alam kung ano pang sinusulat ako. I want to glare at him, to give him a death stare, to roll my eyes at him, but his words makes me weak and he's confusing the hell out of me!

"I know that you don't believe that I'm not a murderer." He said.

Natigil ako sa pagsusulat dahil sa sinabi niya. It was true, I didn't believe him. I just think that it's too impossible not to kill someone with his temper. But why does he sound like he's really not? That he's hurt that I don't believe him?

"But the moment I saw you in the woods, with your crumpled dress and swollen eyes. I knew I'm about to be the person you believed I was."

But why? Why? Is it because I look like Cara? That seeing the face of your love, crying in front of you, gave you an instinct?

"Here you go again, Beauty. With that hesitant eyes. I know you're hesitating to believe all my words." He said bitterly.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya at nagtama ang mata namin. My heart that had calmed down a little, became ferocious again, not because of the usual feeling I have, but because of the hurt in his eyes that made the beating of my heart wild in its cage, mad at the person who hurt this man. Mad at myself.

"Why do I sound so vulnerable right now? You're not even answering me." He chuckled without humor.

I parted my lips, readying myself to comfort him, to tell him my feelings, what I'm afraid of, but then he said something,

"You don't have to force yourself. I won't force you to speak." That was all he said before he left me alone in the library, dumbfounded.

Why does he sound like I reject him?

Why would I reject him! I like him! Siya lang namang itong hindi ako gusto, ah?!

Nalilito ako sa inaasal ni Adam pero hinayaan ko nalang siya. My days went by slowly, I kept on looking at the library door, hoping he'll barge in any minute, but he didn't. Noong naghapunan din ako ay hindi niya ako sinamahan. Mrs. Potty said that he's busy but he's always busy and he always makes time for me! I know that! Kaya alam kong iniiwasan niya ako ngayon.

Ano bang kasalanan ko?!

Hindi ko na napigilan pa ang sarili ko. Bunga ng pinaghaling emosyon— galit, kalituhan, lungkot, takot— nagmartsa na ako papalapit sa pintuan niya. I let out a big sigh when I stood in front of his door as I knock three times.

Walang sumagot, malamang, sound proof ang kwarto! Pero tangina talaga 'tong si Adam, eh! Hindi ko alam bakit niya 'yon sinabi sa akin kanina at nalilito na ako kung ano bang nararamdaman niya sa akin! He sounded like he liked me! And I'm so confused!

Bumukas ang pinto at ang lahat ng inakala kong nabuo kong tapang ay biglaang kumaripas ng takbo. He welcomed me with all his shirtless glory and I did my best not to salivate at the sight. Pinanatili ko ang mata ko sa mata niya kahit na kating-kati na ang mata kong bumaba sa kung saan niya gustong tumungin.

"What is it, Beauty?" He asked in his hoarse voice, his hair was damp and a towel was hanging on his shoulder, he must've been in the shower.

I glared at him just so he wouldn't notice how ferocious my thoughts are because of his shirtless glory. Pagalit kong binigay ang papel na isinulat ko kanina sa kaniya para malaman niya kung anong ikinagagalit ko.

Nakakunot ang noo niyang binuksan ang papel na isinulat ko sa kaniya, his lips parted as his eyes roamed around my penmanship.

"You have a pretty penmanship, Beauty." He commented and smirked.

Not that! Read it!

Itinuro ko ang laman ng papel, implying that he should read it! I look so stupid pero bahala na kaysa marinig niya kahindik-hindik kong boses!

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa sinulat kong muli. He cleared his throat and stand up straight, I tried my best not to look down.

"Bakit parang galit ka sa akin? I'm not treating you like a monster! It's just that you're annoying!" He added exclamation mark on his sentence as he read my note.

I crossed my arms and raised my brow, telling him to answer me. He chuckled and folded the piece of paper I wrote and put it inside his gray sweatpants. I followed his move and my eyes voluntarily sweep to his abs before they went back up to his eyes.

Whew.

"I'm not mad, Beauty." He smirked.

But why are you avoiding me!

Tumango nalang ako at bumuntong-hininga. He eyed me cautiously and I awkwardly stand in front of him, not knowing what to do.

"You wanna come in?" He offered.

Tangina naman eh.

Tumango nalang ako, kunwari napipilitan. When he left me for a week, I was alone in my room, having nightmares about the trauma I never wanted to remember again. And when he came back, I get to sleep peacefully, knowing he's right beside me, watching me, protecting me.

He stepped aside to give me way. I entered his bedroom that surprisingly became my second room. He closed the door behind us and I gulped, remembering the fact that he's topless!

"You can sleep on the bed, Beauty. Or you wanna cuddle?" He teased, I turned to him just to give him a glare.

He winked at me and my fucking heart skipped a bit. Thankfully, he didn't notice it because he immediately went to the closet, telling me that he'll find a shirt.

You don't need to wear shirt!

Sinampal ko ang sarili at nagmartsa na sa kama. Kaagad akong humiga at tinabunan ang sarili ng kumot, hoping that when he comes out, I'll be asleep.

Thankfully, I fell asleep. I don't know if I was dreaming but a caress on my hair made me drift into the pit of blackness.

It has became a routine. Every night, I would knock on his door and it looks like, he knew I was having nightmares because he was always ready to welcome me. Derobe must've told him about that, or maybe Mrs. Potty. They both saw me in my awful state because when I had my nightmares when Adam left me, I ran to their rooms, knocking on their door as I cry for companion, afraid of being alone again.

I was contented. And a little bit happy. Slowly healing myself from the trauma. Trying the things I used to like, and loving myself once again, even when the deepest part of me hated myself for not protecting my brain when I needed it. For not forgetting the painful memory I had. But because of them, I tried my best to love myself again.

But who would've thought that the simple home I found with them would be taken away from me at instant.

"Cara . . . " Gulat na tawag ni Adam nang makita ang babaeng matagal niya nang hinahanap.

Because one day, when I woke up, a girl with the same face as mine, was standing in front of me.

Cara is back.

🥀