suicide note: a therapeutic process

for those who this may concern,

I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry that I decided to strip my life away from the cruel world that we live in. I never fit into the world anyway. I tried and tried but every time I try to fix everything, I find a way to fuck it up. I know the world isn't full of fairytales and make belief. That realization came to me when I was being bullied my sophomore year.

I'm sorry that I wasn't perfect but what I realized is that no one is perfect. If someone is perfect then they have to be hiding something or they are fake. I will never fully understand "beauty" and why people idolize it; however, I never considered myself beautiful because there are others that are more beautiful than me. I could never see myself as beautiful even though everyone told me I was. I guess I was just brainwashed into thinking I was nothing more than worthless.

I'm sorry that I am in so much pain. I'm sorry that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of trying to be something I am not. I'm tired of the restless nights with my darkest fears. I'm tired of seeing things that aren't really there. I'm tired of being judged by others that don't even really know me. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of being in the world that we live in. No one will understand the pain I am going through. No one will know how truly alone I feel.

To my bullies, I don't know what I did to make you do those horrid things to me. I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I fully believe that I did not deserve that. I hold you accountable for things. You have damaged me so much for me to do this. My death is yours and others faults. You can't say you're not the one to blame because you have tortured me my sophomore year without any sign of remorse. You were the domino effect that started everything that has come to this and I hope you regret that you had bullied me.

To my friends, Danica I know you've always been there when I had breakdowns. I know you've kept me together and picked me up when I was down. I will always remember you for that. I really appreciated it. Emalee, thank you so much for being my friend, for noticing that I was struggling my sophomore year. Thank you for letting me spend nights at your house. Staying up with you and having your brother get us McDonald's was the highlight of those nights. Christina, you will forever be my butterfly. You have so much potential in this world and I know you will love yourself one day. Thank you for noticing I was upset within my text messages. Maria, I hope you become a professional writer because I loved what you wrote. You will always be considered to me as a close friend or as we joked my wife. I loved our friendship the most because it has probably the most growth in it because it took a while for you to open up to me. Katie, I know you knew that I was depressed when I revealed it to you. You tried your hardest to make me happy and make me laugh. You tried so hard to invite me to places and make me feel accepted. To Haley, I love you so so much. You are the Sam to my Dean and I will never forget our midnight talks until 5 am in the morning. You always knew what to say and you always cheered me up. You will never really know how much I appreciate you. Nick, you always be the Dipper to my Mabel. We fanboy and fangirl over shit and I always will appreciate you trying to make me go to bed even though my body has made up its mind. John, you were so kind to me and such an asshole at times, but I have to say I was a bitch to you too. You're a gentleman and I really hope you find the girl out there for you because I fully believe you deserve it from all the pain you've been through. Matthew, thank you for being there my sophomore year. I appreciate your kindness when others were inflicting me into insanity. Kassie, I saved you for last because you were the one who saved me the first time. You were the one who didn't know what you did until I told you years later. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for taking me on crazy adventures. Thank you for making me step out of my comfort zone...but mostly, thank you for everything that you have done for me. Thank you, all of you, little did you know you have impacted my life in many ways than you know. And to anyone else I forgot to mention that has always been there for me at a certain time of my life, thank you too.

To my family, I wish you knew what I am going through that has pushed me to type this down and face my fears. To my sister, I wish you would believe me that I have depression, insomnia, and anxiety. But I truly do love you and I don't want you to change who you are for anyone. You have such a kind heart and funny soul. I always loved those nights where you would come into my room just to hang out with me. To my brother, I wish you weren't such an asshole sometimes and recognize that everything is not about you. I wish that you will understand that you act like a baby rather than a fucking adult most of the times. But I still love you because we would have bonding moments here and there, plus you would always bring me food home too. To my mom and dad, I heard and read somewhere that writing my emotions down is a therapeutic process that helps get certain emotions out of a person system. I can tell you this now, it's helping. Thank you so much for raising me to be a caring soul and an openminded girl. Thank you for teaching me life skills and lessons. Without both of you, I probably would be lost. To my mema, thank you for accepting me for who I was and trying to understand my thought process of certain things. Thank you for listening to my rants and anger about certain things. Thank you for everything. I love all of you so much, but I've been hurting without you realizing it for so long.

To the ones reading this, if you relate to this, I wish you the best in life. I know what you are going through right now may seem like it's the end and nothing will ever go right. I can tell you now that it is none of those things because I pushed through everything that life has thrown at me and made it. Yes, I am damaged but I still here. This was a way for me to write out a suicide note and still live after. I wanted to see what I would write with a limited amount of words, but I seemed to fail that. Yes, I have gone through shit and more shit after that but I want to let all of you know that YOU ARE WORTH LIVING. Don't let anyone tell you differently because whoever they are, they're wrong. I wish you the best and that you realize that you are loved by others.

a.b.