entry 1: a vent

It is a matter of time before I break down again.
This is the second night where I've cried alone.
Alone in my lonesome room.
And actually, I find comfort in being alone.
I've been surrounded by people too much lately and I felt like I've been confined.
I know they mean well but still, I feel like a caged animal.
And once a caged animal is threatened, it lashes out.
I've distanced myself from people too,
Sometimes I rarely ever talk to anyone when I'm like this.
Let alone hold a conversation.
I don't know.
I don't know really.
I was asked the question if I took care of myself and tried to be safe.
My answer to that is, no I don't.
I put others before me before I take care of myself.
I help others before I help myself.
I don't care about my health as I should.
Even when I'm in pain, I make sure others are okay before I try and fix myself.
So that's it to that.
I know I'm a caring person but I'm not a caring person to myself.
I neglect my body,
I skip out on meals and have late nights like these where I'm up at 3:20 am in the morning.
I should be asleep too because I have college in the morning.
I don't need to be lectured about this either.
I put my emotions out to where people can read them.
I let myself become vulnerable to an audience that I will never meet.
I do this to let people know they aren't alone.
That they aren't as...alone as they thought.
And maybe it is for other reasons too.
I gain closure from this,
To have people read my pain and sufferings,
And at the end of the day, I won't have to look them in the eyes and act like I'm fine.
Because I will never summon the courage to actually tell these emotions to anyone.
Maybe I'm a coward at heart.
Maybe there actually is something wrong with me.
At this point, I don't know.
I'm just venting for once.

a.b.